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Original poster

Am I naive and stupid to get involved with someone who is an alcoholic?

136 replies

PurpleLondon · 18/04/2020 23:55

I've been seeing a guy for about 5/6 months now. We get on really well and have both developed deep feelings. However it has become apparent that he has a serious problem with alcohol. Drinking about 5/6 large bottles of beer almost daily. (He admitted this to me). I know he has been drinking every day this week. This has been going on for years apparently with the severity changing according to his mood and life situation. He is also mentally unstable and has some mental health issues.
There are times when I've met up with him and he's been completely out of it. I've spoken to him about this at length and he always says he wants to change but the next day he is back drinking.
Should I just end things whilst it's still early days? I have two DC and really wouldn't want to subject them to this in the long run. I have no experience of being with an alcoholic. Part of me is hoping he will change.

OP posts:
Whathewhatnow · 19/04/2020 00:49

@SouthsideOwl has it perfectly.

Sober, this man may have been your perfect man. That is the unfortunate truth. Alcoholics aren't bad people. They are ill.

However... he will never, ever put you first. First will come alcohol. 2nd will come the means to acquire alcohol... meaning anything you would normally do (going out, holidays...) will only happen if drinking isn't compromised.

You are not foolish or stupid to love this person. The heart loves who it loves. And oh, there will be some wicked, crazy, fun times. Nights on the town, fun evenings in, drinking and talking and dancing and being you and him against the world...

And then. And then. Sober hits and it is all a bit grubby and the intensity is diminished.
I've been there. Similar circs. I'm still close friends with this person but we will never be intimate agaim. Even being close friends is hard. I'm watching someone I loved kill themselves, slowly.

Dont be me.

MrsEricBana · 19/04/2020 00:52

Yes, break it off now, he'll never change.

maddy68 · 19/04/2020 00:53

Yes!! Please don't do this

FlowerArranger · 19/04/2020 00:57

FFS.

Susanna85 · 19/04/2020 00:58

Yes.
For the sake of your children just leave it.

Smilebehappy123 · 19/04/2020 00:59

Yeah get the cunt moved in Confused
What could possibly go wrong

MrsTerryPratchett · 19/04/2020 01:02

Part of me is hoping he will change.

You are going out with a person who doesn't exist and you have manufactured in your mind. A man in recovery.

Do not do this. And try to work out what needs to be fixed for you that this seems an attractive option.

alexdgr8 · 19/04/2020 01:03

if you were going into a custody hearing and it was known that you had involved yourself with such a person, do you think that would look like the ideal parent, if not, why not. think on.
it's bad enough for people who are already related to such people.
why on earth would you choose to go down that path. and drag your children with you. could ruin their lives too. would they thank you for it.

peakygal · 19/04/2020 01:03

I have been very very close with someone for a few years now...The potential is there for a relationship and he is honestly such a lovely bloke..Hes been there for me without question whenever I've needed him...Im in Ireland and our lockdown has been going on since March...Since he has been out of work every day he has been drinking which is not like him at all...He says he is just bored...Credit where credit is due, he is not normally an idle person..I have expressed concern over his drinking and he thinks he'll be able to stop once hes back to work. For me, I have had family members who are alcoholics and I know the devastation it can cause so I have told him I will cut him out of my life completely if he doesn't stop. The worst thing you could do is allow yourself to be in this type of situation when you barely know him.. It will be hard but definitely for your own sake move on

OhCaptain · 19/04/2020 01:07

My mother always told me “never get into the business of trying to change people.”

chickenyhead · 19/04/2020 01:10

run

Please run

Do a Google search on alcoholic parents

YourWinter · 19/04/2020 01:14

Don't do it, for all the reasons you already know and all the reasons you don't want to find out the hard way.

penisbeakers · 19/04/2020 01:15

Run FAST.

chatnicknameyousuggested · 19/04/2020 01:16

I foolishly married my exH, suspecting he was an alcoholic. We are now divorced and I am happy. Please don't do this. Get out now. And don't go back. Don't let it drag on.

ThatsNotMyMeerkat · 19/04/2020 02:00

I absolutely despair at the human race sometimes.
How could you possibly think it was acceptable to expose your children to this at all, ever? A large part of being a parent is protecting your children from this sort of thing and you are actively seeking to introduce it to them.
Grow up, put your kids first, and walk away now.

Starksforthewin · 19/04/2020 02:35

Jesus Christ, how can you even think of getting further involved with such a loser? Are you a complete masochist?
Bad enough if you were single, but are you actually contemplating exposing your children to life with an alcoholic?
What happened to you that you are even considering this? How desperate do you have to be? There are some great sex toys on the market now!

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 19/04/2020 02:46

Are u thinking you will be the one to change him perhaps? Because you won't. You might....for a little while, but eventually the alcohol will win. You will be on a rollercoaster for many many years if you go ahead with this.

Winterlife · 19/04/2020 03:14

I come from a family of alcoholics, mostly my uncles. My husband comes from a culture where alcoholism was endemic. He saw countless lives ruined by alcohol and its effects. He quit drinking completely as a result, though he never had a drinking problem. He views all alcohol as poison.

Get out now. Alcohol will always come first, and your life will be a misery.

Winterlife · 19/04/2020 03:27

Oh, and as a PS - If you marry such a man and stay married, he will change from the alcohol - he may be violent (though not always). Money will be diverted to purchase alcohol. And then, as your ultimate prize, in old age, assuming he makes it that far, he will suffer from dementia (a result of thiamine deficiency). So, after having dealt with the effects of his alcoholism in your youth, you'll get to deal with that in your old age,

AravisTarkheena · 19/04/2020 03:43

Yes.

Topseyt · 19/04/2020 03:58

My BIL is an alcoholic. No relationship has ever lasted. He is a nightmare.

My only advice is to not become involved. Ever. Keep your children well away from this person. It will be a life of utter misery if you stay with him. He won't change and you won't be able to rescue him from himself, if that is what you are thinking.

Gobbycop · 19/04/2020 05:02

End it.

If not for you think about your kids.

Don't willingly put them into that environment, it would be massively reckless.

MysteriesOfTheOrganism · 19/04/2020 05:48

Yes - unless your goal in life is to create a miserable existence for you and your children.

Purpleartichoke · 19/04/2020 05:53

Subjecting you’re children to life with an alcoholic would be unforgivably awful. You lot only need to drop him, you need to look into personal therapy to work on your own self esteem.

FixItUpChappie · 19/04/2020 05:53

I have two DC and really wouldn't want to subject them to this in the long run.

They shouldn't be subjected to this doomed relationship in the short term either.