I stood by my over sexed H after an affair and now I've made a rod for my own back

[Onholidayinthehouse]

I've name changed because this is a very personal one.

Last year I discovered that my H had been having an affair, after a period of consideration and some soul searching I decided (perhaps against my better judgement) that I wanted to work on our marriage and agreed to remain together.

All contact with the OW was severed and steps were taken to ensure she couldn't contact him and vice versa.

One big issue in our marriage over the past couple of years has been sex, the lack of it in his mind. He hasn't tried to say that is the reason for his affair but given his insatiable appetite for sex I'm fairly sure that has at least something to do with it.

I've had some health problems coupled with close together pregnancies and so naturally my sex drive plummeted. Some may say that it couldn't have been that infrequent for us to have had our two youngest just over a year apart, but H would probably disagree. He has a very high sex drive and me not so much.

We are slowly getting back to normal in terms of recovering from the affair but he has a long way to go before I feel able to trust him implicitly.

As expected, his sex drive remains the same and mine hasn't improved very much (not helped by his affair no doubt) and he's keen to have it daily, twice a day preferably.

I've found myself feigning interest for the sake of rebuilding the marriage but to be frank, im not in the mood most of the time. I had a perfectly normal drive pre young children and health problems so I don't think for a second they're anything wrong with me. It is just in comparison, he is like a randy teenager.

I don't want to be having sex when i dont particularly want it out of fear he's going to wander again.

It's just not going to work is it? I made a big mistake.

It's not too late to decide this isn't going to work out. Did he think because you wanted to work at it that meant leaping back into bed at a very unrealistic pace was ever going to work?

Oh dear. Tricky.

If you make his faithfulness your job to maintain, I'm not sure its sustainable no.

What does he say about the affair?

Have you been honest with him about how you're trying to use sex to shore things up? If so what has he said?

He is unrealistic wanting sex twice a day with a young family’s.
If you think he will roam again, time to end it.
What do you want?

Regardless of how much sex you were or weren't having, nothing justifies an affair!

That said, if sex is very important to one partner than it is to the other and you become sexually incompatible and you cannot work, it out then maybe its best to part ways.

However, I think sex everyday (let alone twice) is excessive and to me, your Dh reads as selfish and more concerned about the physical than other important aspects of being in a marriage. It has taken precedence over everything else.

Basically if the underlying issue remains that 'led to' said affair what confidence is there that it won't happen again?

I would say this is over.

The explanation he gave me for the affair was that she was somebody he could talk to initially and was providing emotional support, clearly his wife wasn't good enough for that.

He had some (self inflicted) work stresses in his life and he claims she was a listening ear and she understood because she was a colleague. He admits that he was the one to initiate things "probably by saying something flirty"

It went on for months and he was pushed into coming clean.

I don't buy into the "she was being a friend" and I fully believe it was all down to him being a horny bastard, exasperated by the fact he wasn't getting much attention at home.

I haven't been open with him about how I feel about the very frequent sex now no, and that is me doing a disservice to myself. I have feigned interest because I wanted to make the effort and have things be good between us.

The early days post affair were very tumultuous and I felt as though I had to suppress my grief because he wasn't forthcoming about discussing it. We did have a handful of serious conversations later on where i was able to ask everything I wanted to know and tell him how I felt but since then it has become the elephant in the room that we don't discuss.

I find myself wishing he would just hurry up and be quick about it when we have sex. Faking things on my end. It's such an unhealthy mechanism I've adopted for the sake of keeping the family together.

It sounds horrible. I honestly think you deserve better. Having sex to prevent him cheating is shite. It seems it hasn't fixed things between you or made you closer or provided reassurrance for you or strengthened your marriage. He doesn't sound truly sorry to me and I think you ought to think about your own emotional preservation.

Ultimately he had an affair and although he's making it about lack of sex it seems initially there was an emotional component to it, and that is what the elephant in the room really is that isn't being discussed (imo)

If you are hating sex please don't continue better to call it a day.

That sounds really shit.

It does sound like the affair wasn't dealt with and you dont have much of a foundation to work from here. I doubt things will start to feel better if the status quo you describe carries on?

I feel you've few choices here. Some initial thoughts would be:

1. Keep on.
2. Throw him out/ have him leave to get your head straight and reset a bit.
3. Book individual counseling to get your head straight.
4. Tell as many friends as possible, tell family, start talking about it constantly with him. Start being radically honest all the time including stopping sex etc.
5. A combination of these.

They'll all mean discomfort for you. The question is, what kind of problem do you want to have? What discomfort is the best investment for you?

He sounds like an idiot but maybe he has truly lovely qualities that make him worthwhile? Alternatively he may just be a habit that you're scared to give up.

Only you no if you can forgive him for his affair. I begged my ex to stop all contact with the bloke she had an affair with but she couldn't.
I tried for 3 years and now we are two years into a divorce.
It doesn't sound good for you but if you still love him you have a chance.
I honestly think if we didn't have a daughter I would of gone sooner.

So, he had the affair, you decided that you wanted to make it work and to do this you're not really able to talk about it and are also expected to have sex with him at least daily?! He did wrong, it should be him bending over backwards to earn your trust and respect but it seems like he's just waltzed back in, normal service resumed and his actions are to be forgotten. I think not!! Sit him down and tell him how you feel. His actions might have only been physical as far as he's concerned but that's not the case for you. He either wants to work it out by putting in the effort or he doesn't.

So, he's very very special, because he "needs" lots of sex?
And because you didn't give him enough, he had to cheat?
And now you feel pushed into doing things you don't want to do- the implication that if you don't, he'll leave.

Hmm

You can go/ or draw your own boundaries whenever you like. He certainly has.

Do not let your mental health suffer just for the sake of keeping your marriage!!

You may love him and the family you've created but, your mental health will be in tatters.
Let him go and be sexed crazed elsewhere - it sounds like you're just not compatible and, along with the affair it sounds like torture for you.
Therapy? Counselling?
Don't just lie there and think of England - that's never nice for anyone.

Oh OP I am so sorry this sounds awful.

I will just say, please do not do this for anyone else. If you want to be stuck with this man having sex whenever he feels like it and faking how much you like it, then go ahead. but if you feel your life is worth more than this, then better to make a clean break. And good luck to him finding someone else who wants sex once or twice a day.

Part of me feels it is not totally his fault he has a high sex drive but then I read "He had some (self inflicted) work stresses in his life and he claims she was a listening ear and she understood because she was a colleague." And I just wondered if he is using sex to control the other stresses in his life?

Please do what is best for you. The fact that you accepted this a year or two ago does not mean you need to be stuck with it.

Twice a day? Doesn't he have anything better to do? Does he help you with the bulk of the child rearing?

When you relent to sex, you are not consenting. When yo have sex you don't want in order to cancel a negative reaction (in this case, him cheating) you are not consenting.

He has no right making any demands for sex at all, regardless of your position/what he did. No one actually needs sex every day!

Don't have sex with someone you don't want to. It's damaging.

Stop right now.

If he leaves because you won't have sex with him or wait till' you're over whatever put you off in the first place then he's NOT WORTH IT.

Let the fucker go.

What does he do to create time and space for sex?
You have young children - is there a good split of work there or is it mainly you?
Have you properly grieved for the future you signed up for? Without grieving for that it will be hard to make a new, good one.
Sometimes, when it is sex once or twice a day at this stage in a relationship (young kids etc) the asking partner is more of a pest than a partner.
Do you really think you can keep the family together that way without loosing yourself completely? It sounds heartbreaking to me and I would counsel careful though about YOU as a person first and foremost. You have been deeply hurt. Is he trying to soothe you in any way?

What is he doing to keep you in the marriage? Sounds like you are the one making considerable effort and compromise.

I think a high sex drive is not an excuse for an affair, and no matter how much sex he was getting at home, he'd have had the affair. Because it's not about fulfilling a need, it's about seeing an opportunity and taking it, regardless of any consequences for your partner and marriage.

It sounds miserable.

He sounds incredibly selfish and unsupportive. Someone upthread said he sounds more of a pest than a partner, andI thought exactly the same thing.

What you are choosing to do is potentially soul destroying, damaging to your mental health and VC self esteem.

Can you imagine yourself being happy without him?

What kind of father is, out of interest?

Is he genuinely addicted to sex, perhaps? Does he use porn a lot? Or is it just a case of a high sex drive?

Same questions as other posters above OP, what is he doing to improve the marriage? It can't all be on you, especially when you're not the cheat.

It's about compromise, just because he wants sex everyday doesn't mean he needs it, can't he just masturbate or go without for a few days?

How often were you having sex when he was cheating?

What Flaskmaster said about the affair being a selfish opportunity grab.

I understand the going along with things to keep the peace and save the family. But yes, it's miserable.

I'd try sexual counselling to start with. Then the rest will come out.

He needs to grow up. And watch porn. From the safety of your own home.

Thanks for sharing OP, and I’m sorry you’re going through this.

It sounds like he has real issues around his sex drive, I know everyone is different but twice a day feels unrealistic at the best of times, never mind with a young family.

Sexual counselling or marriage counselling may help get to the root of his issues, his issues around sex drive and his infidelity must come from somewhere.

But you must consider your own mental health and integrity in this, for the sake of you and your children, they need you. You must consider if you want to stay with this man. It’s never too late. Maybe it felt right at the time for your health and security to take him back and no decision is wrong, but I hope you can stand back now and think more clearly now.

Whatever you decide, something has to change. You deserve better than this, and don’t be afraid to confront the elephant in the room. He is the elephant!

The fact that you’re seeking advice and sharing takes a lot of courage and you are stronger than you think to plan ahead, financially, mentally and physically to leave this man if you want to. You are in control.

Best of luck xxx

The question is why you’d want to stay with the manipulative arsehole

The one thing I've learned - the hard way - in my fifty-odd years on earth is to never ever ever have sex I don't want. Anything else is psychic death.

I really think you should leave him. He sounds like a brute.

He may want sex. He doesn’t need sex. You aren’t a sex doll, an orifice to fuck. Allowing him to use your body as he wishes is going to destroy your soul little by little. You are not responsible for ensuring this man doesn’t stray again. He certainly does not care about your needs and happiness. You may love the man, who used to be or perhaps the idea of who you thought he was. Do you truly love a man, who is happy to treat you this way?