I stood by my over sexed H after an affair and now I've made a rod for my own back

[Onholidayinthehouse]

I've name changed because this is a very personal one.

Last year I discovered that my H had been having an affair, after a period of consideration and some soul searching I decided (perhaps against my better judgement) that I wanted to work on our marriage and agreed to remain together.

All contact with the OW was severed and steps were taken to ensure she couldn't contact him and vice versa.

One big issue in our marriage over the past couple of years has been sex, the lack of it in his mind. He hasn't tried to say that is the reason for his affair but given his insatiable appetite for sex I'm fairly sure that has at least something to do with it.

I've had some health problems coupled with close together pregnancies and so naturally my sex drive plummeted. Some may say that it couldn't have been that infrequent for us to have had our two youngest just over a year apart, but H would probably disagree. He has a very high sex drive and me not so much.

We are slowly getting back to normal in terms of recovering from the affair but he has a long way to go before I feel able to trust him implicitly.

As expected, his sex drive remains the same and mine hasn't improved very much (not helped by his affair no doubt) and he's keen to have it daily, twice a day preferably.

I've found myself feigning interest for the sake of rebuilding the marriage but to be frank, im not in the mood most of the time. I had a perfectly normal drive pre young children and health problems so I don't think for a second they're anything wrong with me. It is just in comparison, he is like a randy teenager.

I don't want to be having sex when i dont particularly want it out of fear he's going to wander again.

It's just not going to work is it? I made a big mistake.

Other than being an entirely selfish twat with no thought or consideration for you, he sounds completely ineffective at sex too. Ugh.

If you wrote this thread to bolster your plans/thought process and give yourself permission to jettison this 'marriage', then I think you have it.

I really hope that you'll find peace in your eventual decision but please don't ever think that you have to have sex with somebody just because they want to - and hold over your head that they may find sex elsewhere if you don't. That's completely untenable. Vile man.

Agree with MashedSpud and others.

Sex addiction my eye.

There is a step between ‘my beloved wife is not so often in the mood for sex at the moment’ and ‘therefore I must get sex elsewhere’.

YinMnBlue

THIS ^^

What do you get out of your marriage? Honestly?
Surprised people are giving advice about how to try and work on it!
This man CLEARLY doesn’t give a damn about your feelings or wants or needs. The whole relationship revolves around him.

Wouldn’t you be happier and more at peace on your own?

YYY to FlowerArranger.

Aww what a shame for you OP- it’s actually a sad situation for you as it’s like you’re over a barrel.

Personally I would assume that his desire to have sex twice a day is not the norm for the average couple. I’d t the average about twice, possibly 3 times a week? So whilst he may feel like he wants/needs it, it’s a lot to expect someone to do it 14 times a week- especially with young children.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. He’s asking a expecting too much and that would be the case of almost women in your situation.

In other words he’s selfish!!!

I agree with a pp who said if a couple isn’t compatible sexually it won’t really work. However... there needs to be some realistic boundaries that suit you both. If you were wanting to do it once every 2 months then yes, that’s a long time to expect someone to wait.

If you were doing 2/3 times a week that would be completely reasonable. If he can’t accept that then he really isn’t worth your affections. He’s not a child needing instant gratification 🙄 if he’s that desperate why can’t he use his hand? Take the pressure off you.

I am sorry to say this but again, I don’t think he’s bothered about you enough abd the way I’m which he should be.

There’s always an available excuse to have an affair

• ‘You weren’t there emotionally’

-‘You didn’t want sex and made me feel unloved’

• ‘She took time to listen to me’

I mean you could say anything but it doesn’t make it ok. It’s about respect regardless what their reasons were.

He’s the one that needs to change how he behaves. He’s out of order wanting it that much. If he’s putting you under that much pressure then I’d he really width it OP? His needs appear to be the most important.

Good luck what ever you decide OP

Hi op, I’m afraid it’s very common for men to look elsewhere when their wives are busy with young children. They often behave like children themselves, craving attention and in your case sex with no thought for their partner.

Most couples struggle to manage sex once a week with young children, lots of my friends were more like once a month. Daily is almost impossible, just on a time front.

I’m afraid it doesn’t seem like he’s considering your needs and my experience from this time of situation is that it only gets worse. I would leave him if you have the strength. Good luck.

I'd (almost) forget about the affair, and think about the sex drive.....

Disparity in sex drives is nearly always the death of a relationship....the ones we normally hear about are when people have zero sex drive...but it equally happens the other way.

There is a majority of people for whom somewhere between twice a week and twice a month is the norm.... then there are others who sit at both ends of the spectrum with higher and lower sex drives.

Effectively you are never going to have a matched relationship, and (both) need to find people who have the same needs as yourself....

Now back to the affair....I'm certain it will be all down to sex drive, and with that in mind I think you are correct, you will get fed up with the frequency and he will drift away again.

There is nothing wrong with spending time reflecting and then making a decision to split. You made the right choice at the time of the affair for you "to try" now you've tried and found it's not working....so time to try something else.

Sorry, haven’t RTFT, but is sex the only way in which he is able to experience intimacy? I think a for a lot of people, men in particular, sex becomes a sort of substitute for an emotional connection.

Would he be prepared to talk to a counsellor? With a view to actually changing I mean.

If he’s not prepared to try and change I think, hard as it is, you should consider cutting your losses and leaving.

I absolutely feel for you op. Please leave him.

Yuck. Get rid of him and good luck to him finding a partner who wants to have sex twice a day with such a horrible prick with zero morals.

Good morning everybody thank you for all of the replies, I'll try to answer all of the questions. I'm on my phone so it might take a while.

What is he doing to save the marriage himself? Nothing huge. Exactly like a PP said I get the occasional bunch of flowers.

Does he seem remorseful? I would say no as a whole. When he was pushed to tell me (by the OW who believed he was leaving me to be with her) he seemed annoyed more than anything. He didn't want to be having the conversation and felt put upon that I had questions. He appeared visibly inconvenienced and irritated more than remorseful. When I agreed to stay but said I needed total transparency I explicitly remember him saying "well it feels like I'm just starting a punishment"

I should have ended the marriage there and then in hindsight.

Truth be told the affair was such a shock to my system that I immediately went into autopilot family preservation and I just wanted her gone and him home with me and the children. Much to my shame i did do the pick me dance and me feigning interest in lots of sex now is just an extension of that. My mental health was crippled in the aftermath of the affair and I felt desperate to keep him close as I was in such a shit place I didn't feel as though i was enough for the children.

He showed what I think was genuine remorse a couple of months later when I sat him down and said it needed to be discussed. When I asked everything I wanted to know and told him how badly he had hurt me he did get visibly upset. I asked why he didn't appear remorseful when it came to light and he said that was because it wasn't what he wanted in the first place and he was being blackmailed into coming clean and leaving to be with her. (This is true and I saw the evidence in the form of messages demanding that he tell me and go to her house as planned otherwise she wouldn't spare me the gory details)

Some of the lies and stories he span to cover his tracks when the affair was going on are out of this world.

At the point of the affair coming to light I was going through a frightening time with my health, I was under investigation for something which could have turned out to be life limiting. He almost made me late for an important hospital appointment during my investigations and tests because he went to see her before I was due to see the doctor that day. He was supposed to be taking me but instead I had to get public transport as he was out with the children and the car, with her. My children were babies/young toddler so weren't able to tell me anything.

His sex obsession is OTT in our household, He expects it at unreasonable times for example when I've just got in the door with shopping or whilst dinner is cooking. There is no romance just a cheeky "get in there you" with a wink, that he thinks is going to make me want to stop what I'm doing and run off for a quickie.

The thing is this was the norm during the early days, we were very young and had no children, but whilst I've discovered that things do slow down, he has not.

We're still young (under 40) but as everybody has said having going children does slow things down for us normal folk.

I agree there is a sex addiction at play, some years ago he admitted to being an over user of porn. The signs were all there which I ignored at the time because I was in denial. He is a pervert, the type who sends pictures of his genitals.. that type.

I foolishly allowed myself to fall for the daft, soft, funny and kind side of his personality and embraced the sex drive.

He is an adequate father, he is hands on yes but can be a bit inpatient sometimes (never aggressive or abusive)

He does think I'm enjoying the sex and always wants foreplay to be a part of it. I've mastered the art of taking an orgasm within 5 minutes and he genuinely has no clue that it's not real. I have to my disservice allowed him to think that I'm up for it as much as he is, this was part of the pick me dance. Me trying to make myself seem like the better option.

I do worry he will do it again, it feels like it is inevitable. The colleague he had an affair with is definitely nothing special and while I'm only average looking I do take care of myself and have some things going for me.

If he will embark on an affair with somebody like that when there is not much chance he'll turn down somebody young and attractive If they were interested.

He feels like a paradox with two conflicting personalities, on one hand he's a "big softie" with a lovable personality, he can be sweet and flattering, a bit cheesy in an endearing way, he puts me before himself in all situations aside sex - then on the flip side he's an over sexed man child who is very selfish, a terrible communicator, self entitled, and a sleaze.

If anybody here watches Hollyoaks then he is just like Darren, reckless and emotionally immature.

I've read the cheaters script and it is all ringing a bell. I spent some time on chumplady in the early days.

I've actually been receiving counselling on my own as he said it's not something he's comfortable with. He doesn't know how to talk about his feelings he says. My therapist thinks I need to concentrate on rebuilding my sense of identity with a view to separate later on, and do so when I'm at a point that I feel able to cope on my own (which I doubt sometimes, because I have depression)

Firstly I think very few young men with families would be expecting Sex twice a day! Completely unrealistic and unfair on you .Many men say its all about the Sex and this is true in part .However the demands of Children ,and running a home dont leave much room for being intimate .Thats not just Sex BTW ,but closeness and having all your attention on him!He sounds selfish and immature ,and relenting to his demands will not help either of you .He will know you are not keen ,but by persuading you and getting his own way will make him feel powerful for all the wrong reasons really.It sounds like Counselling may help you,but unless he is willing to change (unlikely) then is probably only a matter of time /opportunity until he tries to cheat again .Are you worried about being an SP or do you love him deep down ? You need to search your heart/soul for the answers .

Are you worried about being an SP

Yes I am, my mental health is quite fragile. When the affair was exposed I crumbled and couldn't eat or sleep. My DM had to come and help me with the children as I was in such a dark place and couldn't function at all.

He sounds like a total arsehole let alone a sex pest I understand the want to protect your family but this shouldnt be to the detriment of everything else

This sounds awful. I watch Hollyoaks and know Darren's character. Not great for a long term relationship, although charming at times...he's a serial cheater.

That amount of sex he wants and the way he wants it at the drop of a hat is ridiculous and selfish.

Unless you get professional support in the form of marriage counselling, you'll struggle to not get resentful of him.

He hasn't behaved like a remorseful spouse and it's something he should have looked into, to help make you feel safe.

There's a good book called how to help your spouse heal from your affair by Linda Macdonald.

There are also many other online resources. He's not putting the work in to help here...and just stop having sex when you're not up for it....explain how his approach isn't helping either...just a quick let's get it on isn't romantic or pleasurable.

I do realise that staying with him is only going to make my feelings of self resentment fester and become more entrenched, but it's the breaking away and starting again which scares me. It feels like just a matter of time though.

It's mentally damaging to endure sex you don't want. You might think you can detach from it but it will affect your psyche, particularly so if you already suffering with depression.

You need to stop submitting. His needs do not trump your own.

You need to gain a sense of self and some confidence to be able to leave. The situation you are subjecting yourself to now will do the opposite, it will erode your self esteem.

None of this is your fault

I do understand your worries about being an SP .But your confidence is at rock bottom ,because he is coming on to you at inappropriate times. And making you feel inadequate, because you want to keep your family together .He has everything his way now ,Sex on tap and you wanting him to stay with you.The hardest part of being divorced is actually the split itself .Your DC are very young and wont remember you being together as much as older DC would. What kind of man takes his children to see his mistress ,when he is supposed to be driving you to a hospital appt FFS!When we are out of Lockdown (or before if you can telephone for an Appt with a Solicitor) See where you stand financially and inform DM as well for moral support .Them Ducks wiil be in a row for you and you can make a clean break .After a few months you will feel better .Every time he has Sex with you he is chipping away at your self confidence!

I've already quietly got my finances in order since taking him back so I do believe I already have one foot out of the marriage so to speak. I just need to find the confidence to action it.

I do know that this isn't permanent and I've half resolved myself to the fact that I'm going to end up going it alone, I just need to work on my confidence and resolve before I take the leap iykwim.

I'm not financially dependant on him to the extent it will impact my ability to keep the house, but with him gone it would mean a change to lifestyle. I realise that's not a big issue in the grand scheme of things.

Although the children are very young his affair did have a very negative effect on our eldest who is very much dad's boy. His routine was disrupted hugely when he was out of the house for two weeks and he would spend alot of time at the window looking for him which broke my heart. His behaviour went downhill, the progress with toilet training I was making then regressed and it was clear he was confused and upset about where H had gone.

When H came back our son improved over time but he was left with separation anxiety for several months. Whenever H or I would go out and leave them with one another he would scream and whail at the front door which he never did before any of this happened.

I wasn't prepared for such an extreme reaction in DS who I naively thought would take it in his stride being so young

I think if he is remorseful about anything (and i doubt he truly is as far as the affair goes) I do believe he feels terrible for the impact it had on DS.

I think I have also used that as a justification to stay with him for now, which I know isn't right and if it weren't this then it would be something else because the real issue here is my self esteem.

I could have typed this a few years ago. I was just like you , he had the affairs etc I tried to make myself have sex more , in the end I stopped faking my interest in it and he eventually had a full on affair and asked for a divorce . He would call me awful names for not wanting it daily, tell me I would be to blame if he looked elsewhere. I really thought there was something wrong with me and my confidence was in tatters .
A while after the divorce I met someone else , the sex is amazing , now we do sometimes do it a few time’s a day. What I realised is that with the right, considerate partner you will be more compatible.
I could kick myself now for the years wasted on my selfish exH.
Remember , you are worth more than his sexual needs .
Good luck

My therapist thinks I need to concentrate on rebuilding my sense of identity with a view to separate later on, and do so when I'm at a point that I feel able to cope on my own (which I doubt sometimes, because I have depression)

Does your depression predate your relationship with your husband? Or could it be in any way related to him and his emotional unavailability? Are you taking an antidepressant? If not, please, I urge you to try it. I resisted for years, but when I finally gave in, my whole outlook changed. The Rx helped me summon up the strength I needed to LTB.

Secondly, even though you feel that you are not yet strong enough to make it on your own, be aware that the process of leaving in itself will make you stronger. Believe me, you will discover strengths you never knew you had!

And you will feel so, so relieved. I cannot begin to describe the wonderful feeling of no longer having to put up with his moods and his insistence that he was right and I was just being weak, unreasonable, emotional, bla bla, et cetera.

Hey, girl, if an old lady like me can do it, you sure can!

How does living as you are now , help your self esteem?

You say that you're using various things (eg DS) as excuses for not kicking him out and you are not kicking him out because of your poor self esteem

So living as you are now, boosts your self esteem???

I'll be pretty basic here, OP. Fuck that with bells on.
You should never be a slave to his 'needs'. He's got a high sex drive and wants it twice a day? This would kill my sex drive. Sex under obligation is awful. It's no way to live and it highlights how ungiving and how lacking in mutual respect your marriage is.

As hard as divorce is, it's harder staying and I have no doubt in the world that actually, relinquishing yourself from this manipulative relationship where your sex-life and your needs are held hostage by this jackass of a husband (sorry) will give you the happiness you so need and deserve.

Imagine the freedom of not having to do this anymore. Your mental health will be improved by it. You were devastated when you broke up last time, but the circumstances were different and now you will be in control of the breakup. It might be upsetting- it'll also be empowering. The kids will be ok.

I second the PP who recommended medication- it is evidence based. If something hasn't worked much, go back so they can try something else, or a different dose. At the moment they'd probably authorize it with a phone consultation without you having to go in.

Best wishes- you are not a fucktoy or a performing seal, you're a human being with feelings.

I'm sorry, I hadn't read your last update. It's very hard when the kids react to separation. I suppose you have to make the choice between your kids' welfare and your own. Is staying for the kids' sake going to be good for you? Probably not. Is it worth a life of unhappiness in order to sustain what you perceive as your children's happiness? Because your son's separation anxiety is a response to his dad checking out and not being there. It's not out of love. It's insecurity. Dad fucked off for two weeks and didn't see his kids in that entire time, I presume. And you're left holding the bag. Your son was reacting more to the disruption of his home life than anything else. Don't confuse that with love. And his dad has given his son the gift of lingering insecurity. Nice one. Really. I don't know if staying in it for the kids' sake is going to do any of you any good. But that's for you to decide over time. Single parenthood is hard- I've been there. But the freedom that came with it, for me, was invaluable. It was financially very hard, but one of the happiest chapters in my life. But that's my story, not yours. And you have to decide what is right for you based on your history and your needs and those of your children.
You're right to take time to think about things and plan your life, with or without your husband. I wish you luck, OP. You're in a tough place and I feel for you.