I stood by my over sexed H after an affair and now I've made a rod for my own back

[Onholidayinthehouse]

I've name changed because this is a very personal one.

Last year I discovered that my H had been having an affair, after a period of consideration and some soul searching I decided (perhaps against my better judgement) that I wanted to work on our marriage and agreed to remain together.

All contact with the OW was severed and steps were taken to ensure she couldn't contact him and vice versa.

One big issue in our marriage over the past couple of years has been sex, the lack of it in his mind. He hasn't tried to say that is the reason for his affair but given his insatiable appetite for sex I'm fairly sure that has at least something to do with it.

I've had some health problems coupled with close together pregnancies and so naturally my sex drive plummeted. Some may say that it couldn't have been that infrequent for us to have had our two youngest just over a year apart, but H would probably disagree. He has a very high sex drive and me not so much.

We are slowly getting back to normal in terms of recovering from the affair but he has a long way to go before I feel able to trust him implicitly.

As expected, his sex drive remains the same and mine hasn't improved very much (not helped by his affair no doubt) and he's keen to have it daily, twice a day preferably.

I've found myself feigning interest for the sake of rebuilding the marriage but to be frank, im not in the mood most of the time. I had a perfectly normal drive pre young children and health problems so I don't think for a second they're anything wrong with me. It is just in comparison, he is like a randy teenager.

I don't want to be having sex when i dont particularly want it out of fear he's going to wander again.

It's just not going to work is it? I made a big mistake.

Thank you everybody, I appreciate the advice and support

I do think it will be easier when we split if it's me making that decision and taking back the power.

I'm very angry and sad about what his careless behaviour did to my DS, I would never be able to trust that it won't happen again and have to accept that whatever I do DS will have to go through another period of readjustment whether it's from H having another affair or me ending the marriage.

We were chatting this morning about all of the community volunteers who were helping to support the shielded. As an aside I asked him whether he thinks he is a truly good person and he said yes he does.

He's blind or oblivious obviously.

You are not to blame for his affair. He could have spoken to you about issues in your relationship but he chose not too. He chose to cheat. Probably just because he thought he could get away with having extra sex without getting caught. Initially after an affair is discovered, people think they can move on from it (usually with the help of hysterical bonding) but long term, especially if it's never spoken about, resentment can grow. I would suggest some relationship counselling. If he's not interested, I would leave.

No, he's not a truly.good person. He's a fucking deluded cheating liar.

My sex drive is the same as his, once a day or twice a day ideally. There are times my husband just isn't up for that. I have never cheated. I didn't cheat in a previous relationship where my ex had a very low sex drive - I ended it.

The thing is, you shouldn't be forcing yourself to have sex you don't want to stop him cheating. Firstly that is going to kill whatever drive you have left. Second, it is putting too much on you and it simply isn't fair.

If he can't manage without sex once a day then he needs to end the relationship. Incompatible sex drives can kill a relationship but it isn't a justification for cheating either

Hi OP - I have only read your posts so forgive me if I am repeating PP.

It sounds as though you need to cut yourself some slack because making the decision to end the marriage does not mean that you have kick him out and serve him divorce papers by next Tuesday, while managing the house and doing your best to comfort the kids and slapping a big smile on.

You have made your decision, you have said that it feels inevitable, you're working with a counsellor to identify what you want/need and they will support you as long as you need them. You say that you're financially independent and a short/mid term change of lifestyle is a small price for your mental health, self-confidence and physical integrity.

You mentioned that perhaps you'd feel better leading the split, and I think this is true. People often talk about a knowledge curve, and how the partner initiating an action has already moved on from whatever action because they knew it was coming (affair, break up, for example). They aren't left reeling because they already knew!

If you make the decision to end the marriage, you will be ending it on your terms, armed with the information that will help you, protected by the knowledge that you really tried, and I am not trying to minimise the transition period for your children, but at least you can anticipate it this time.

Good luck and keep posting because you know there are always people here to help if you have a wobble. xx

Having to have sex twice a day to prevent your h from being unfaithful sounds horrible. Has he ever actually apologised, begged for forgiveness, or has he explained it all as ' you weren't giving him enough attention at home?

He should be grateful you are willing to make the effort to reconcile with him and he should be doing everything to prove you can trust him. Instead, sounds like it's all about him. Does he do nice things for you, like foot massages or back rubs, or is it all about him and his cock?

You can change your mind and ask him to leave if you want. You're not stuck with him.

I’m sorry to suggest this but I doubt that the affair you found out about was his only infidelity. That one got out of hand. Does he work away at all?’

You have a good head on your shoulders, you are getting your ducks in a row. Plan your exit, don’t rush it, start being bold enough to turn down sex. Dream of a future where you are not questioning his whereabouts, second guessing etc.

You will meet someone who deserves you

Twice a day with young kids is insane.
Is he pestering you? He should be bending over backwards and every other bloody way after you gave him a second chance.
Be honest with him about how much sex you want. If you're incompatible it might be best to go your separate ways.

*As an aside I asked him whether he thinks he is a truly good person and he said yes he does.

He's blind or oblivious obviously.*

He will see himself as a good person because

1. He isn't having an affair now
2. He has decided that he's a good person

I know someone who runs a company who thinks he's a good person because he's done a MH awareness course. The fact that all his staff hate him and he's oblivious to their problems, bothers him not

Sounds like you still think you are the one with the issue. You aren't. He is. He is going to find it very hard to find someone who wants sex with him twice a day, every day for years.
He knows it's not right and he's manipulated you into blaming yourself. He probably does it about other things too - money? Not being good at housework or parenting?

It could be that your depression is being contributed to by his attitude.

FWIW I was married to someone like this who made me feel sexually inadequate, it really got into my head. I now have a partner who is much more on my wavelength with frequency (because I'm not actually the one with the problem) and it's been a revelation.
It's not you, it's him. You can't fix this and you will wear yourself out trying l.

You poor women OP.

He sounds absolutely odious.

I'm so glad to read you have your finances in order.

You will never have piece of mind with that slime near you.

Having sex twice a day with such a vile man cannot be good for your mental health.

Contact your mother and make a plan.

Get him out of your life.

You deserve so much better.

My ex was like this, expected sex twice daily and was nasty if I refused. I would pretend to be ill to get out of it and he would pester and bully until I gave in. He of course ended up having an affair and used his high sex drive as an excuse.

I did what you're doing OP tried to fix it by having more sex. What do you think happened? He cheated many more times. I lost my self confidence and sex drive through his behaviour. Only he can decide not to cheat again, and I think you probably know deep down he most likely will.

men with a high sex drive are a pain in the arse, constantly silking, being moody, wanting sex when you are tired and being a massive sex bore.
I'd dump him if I were you. I can't omagine anything more tedious thatn having sex twice a day.
What will happen when you hit the menopause, if you have a bad one, and just don't want sex - he will be off again. What if you get really ill? All the times a husband is supposed to support you he will be looking for extra marital fun and just leave.
I'd cut your losses and leave and find someone not so tedious and demanding.
I've been there, was such a relief when he left.

I can't blame you for doing the pick me dance and trying to keep things together but frankly, him wanting sex twice a day and the way he is going about it/his timing, sounds like the biggest passion killer imaginable. I doubt he will ever get better. You will also never trust him again, particularly as he showed himself to be such a liar when he was having the affair. So while your marriage wasn't over the day or even the year you found out about it, it was over so just do what you have to do and leave when you feel ready.

Twice a day?!
He's a sex pest, a sexual predator, and you're effectively allowing him to treat you as his sex doll.
Your self esteem must be non-existent
I hope you can find the strength to LTB ASAP.

You need to make him read
'How to help your partner heal from your affair'

He is not facing any consequences, he'll do it again unless he really gets it.

You need to detach and look after yourself.

Stop faking it.
Stop letting him use you to mastabate into.

You and your children deserve more.

Forget everything else and ask yourself:

1. do you love him?
2. do you trust him?
3. do you want to spend the next 60 years with him?

If the answer to any of those is no then you dont have a marriage worth saving. Life is really too short to be wasting on someone who doesn't deserve hour energy

Can I make something really clear OP? There is nothing you did or didn’t do that caused him to stray.
Every relationship hits bumps, and there are times when a partner is vulnerable, or overwhelmed or needy (eg when you’re pregnant, have a baby, have medical issues, etc) and at those times some men step up to the plate.
There’s no way to tell before hand, unless you’re the OW in someone else’s marriage when you know for sure you’re picking a chump.
It’s just a gamble. But his behaviour is on him. It’s nothing to do with you. It’s no reflection on you. It’s just him.

I know that your MH has taken a battering over this but just because you had to lean on your dm at first doesn’t mean you’ll always be that vulnerable.

And, if you need to take your time and take what you need out of this marriage and situation to get yourself strong enough, that’s ok. There’s no rush to do anything you’re not ready for. Take what you need.

Your update confirms that you're incompatible:

Sexually: You want real intimacy and he's purely a 'grab a chance' type of guy. Fuck setting the mood.

Emotionally: You have a high amount of emotional intelligence and his extends to getting his needs met whereever, whenever.

Mentally: You think about him and things outside your sphere and consider the future. He hasn't thought about the repercussions on you, his children or your long term relationship going forward. You have emotional awareness. He has little if any.

Domestically: You are doing most of the housework.

As a parent: You are still doing the majority of child raising despite having health issues. He isn't contributing overly to helping.

Summary: You're superior by comparison. He is dragging you down. Oh the irony! Best thing you could have done, was gifted the OW with his sorry self-entitled arse.

You can wait till this whole uncertain time in pandemic is over. But start thinking of a better life for yourself with someone who suits you better!

Contraception

He is selfish

I think I have also used that as a justification to stay with him for now, which I know isn't right and if it weren't this then it would be something else because the real issue here is my self esteem.

You can work on your self esteem and your mental health by sticking up for yourself now.

Every time you give in to him out of fear of him straying or because he pesters you enough a little chunk of your self esteem gets chipped away.

Fold your arms, tell him no. Walk out of the room and shrug if he complains. You will feel anxious, nervous, shaky. But you have your finances in order and you will ultimately feel better for standing up for yourself.

Does he seem remorseful? I would say no as a whole. When he was pushed to tell me (by the OW who believed he was leaving me to be with her) he seemed annoyed more than anything. He didn't want to be having the conversation and felt put upon that I had questions. He appeared visibly inconvenienced and irritated more than remorseful. When I agreed to stay but said I needed total transparency I explicitly remember him saying "well it feels like I'm just starting a punishment

This coupled with no change (or even consideration) in attitude towards sex on his part tells me where this is headed.

Entitled, selfish and emotionally retarded never makes a good partner and no amount of counseling can change an individual's core character.

A person that clueless and lacking introspect to that extent is a dead loss imho, and as another poster said you definitely married beneath you.

To read that you've been forcing yourself to have sex with him is soul destroying for me so god only knows how it feels for you 😢

My gut feeling is that once this massive weight has been lifted your depression will improve drastically.

Is your mum quite supportive generally, and do you think she would help while you adjust to life as a single parent?

I've actually been receiving counselling on my own as he said it's not something he's comfortable with. He doesn't know how to talk about his feelings he says

He doesn't want to attend counselling as he will be held accountable for his shitty, and frankly abusive behaviour. He knows that someone not blinded by hurt or trying to hold things together for their DC will see him for exactly what he is and he will not be able to manipulate them.

My therapist thinks I need to concentrate on rebuilding my sense of identity with a view to separate later on

You have a cracking therapist that is very clued in, hold on to them like they are your last tenner. When I was in your position my counsellor advised all sorts of nonsense that only prolonged my hurt.

Please take care of yourself OP and focus on building a happy, healthy and peaceful future for you and DC away from this guy. You deserve so much better.

This man sounds like one of those dogs that goes around humping table legs! Unfortunately, you can’t castrate him although it must be tempting

I know the thought of divorce is scary but you will be happier on your own once you have settled into being single. Your DC will be fine once they have got used to having two homes. Don’t be too surprised if your H has a new partner moving in within a few weeks of leaving.

Just wanted to say if he wanted more sex then cheating on you is the worst decision he could have made. I would not be having sex with someone who had slept with someone else. I don't really see a way out other than separating, sorry.