I stood by my over sexed H after an affair and now I've made a rod for my own back

[Onholidayinthehouse]

I've name changed because this is a very personal one.

Last year I discovered that my H had been having an affair, after a period of consideration and some soul searching I decided (perhaps against my better judgement) that I wanted to work on our marriage and agreed to remain together.

All contact with the OW was severed and steps were taken to ensure she couldn't contact him and vice versa.

One big issue in our marriage over the past couple of years has been sex, the lack of it in his mind. He hasn't tried to say that is the reason for his affair but given his insatiable appetite for sex I'm fairly sure that has at least something to do with it.

I've had some health problems coupled with close together pregnancies and so naturally my sex drive plummeted. Some may say that it couldn't have been that infrequent for us to have had our two youngest just over a year apart, but H would probably disagree. He has a very high sex drive and me not so much.

We are slowly getting back to normal in terms of recovering from the affair but he has a long way to go before I feel able to trust him implicitly.

As expected, his sex drive remains the same and mine hasn't improved very much (not helped by his affair no doubt) and he's keen to have it daily, twice a day preferably.

I've found myself feigning interest for the sake of rebuilding the marriage but to be frank, im not in the mood most of the time. I had a perfectly normal drive pre young children and health problems so I don't think for a second they're anything wrong with me. It is just in comparison, he is like a randy teenager.

I don't want to be having sex when i dont particularly want it out of fear he's going to wander again.

It's just not going to work is it? I made a big mistake.

TWICE a day :0

I cannot believe you haven't told your own husband you don't enjoy having sex so much.

Time to be proactive. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be clear about what YOU want. Trying to please just his needs won't keep him from straying, he will see through your reluctance.

There are a few issues here.

You can't talk to him, and you seem to accept that there is a terrible price that you must pay for keeping the family together - faking enthusiasm for sex and not talking about your reality.

He expects service as usual regardless of his betrayal, the fact that you had two children in quick succession and health problems, and regardless of what seems to have been an apportioning of blame for the betrayal on his part to you, an incredibly damaging approach on his part and - sorry to be blunt - a clear indication that you are married to a waste of space. You are asked to accept his 'high sex drive' as an immutable and completely reasonable reason for an affair.

I recommend you find a good therapist to talk to about how and why you are feeling such pressure to accept and adapt to his reality and be silent (or silenced) about yours, put up with a frequency of sex that you find unreasonable, examine your shock, grief and anger at his betrayal, find your voice, and hopefully claw your way out of the deep funk you have been shoved into.

Afterwards, you can pick over the pieces of the broken relationship if you still care enough to give it another go. But in order to approach this decision from a place of strength you need to tap into grief and anger and keep front and centre the mantra that the relationship isn't worth saving if it doesn't work for you.

If you think it's worth it, your husband will need to commit to fundamental changes in his communication style - he has to start listening and contributing; changes in his view of sex and what your role in life is as a woman and as his partner; changes in his view of his family and the relationship he has with you - he needs to examine what it is for him and whether he is willing to accept that it has many dimensions, not just one, and whether it is sacred to him. He will need to prove that he understands you are a fully functioning multi-dimensional human being, not a collection of bodily orifices. He has to stop worshiping his own dick, in other words.

There is high sex drive, and then there is utter selfishness and a massive sense of entitlement. When someone has done what this man has done, and continues to do, then you are looking at selfishness and a very overgrown sense of entitlement.

It's no wonder you don't want to have sex with him. I don't think it's you that has the problem - I would struggle to let him come anywhere near me if I were you and if he had any sense of self awareness he would totally understand that as he's betrayed your trust and has to earn it back. You are free to change your mind about the relationship at any time xx

He sounds like he has a sex addiction . No way should you be the one providing his fix, you will just begin to hate him in an already strained relationship. Lay your cards on the table and if he’s not happy about your feelings there’s no way out other than split . You will recover and be happier with your children. I know as my now ex husband had an affair when my three kids were very young. Good luck xx

Good that you are not buying his BS reasons for his affair. As for his sexual demands - I'm with PPs on this. Totally unaceptable. Every time you give in, your love dies a little. Feeling as though I had to suppress my grief because he wasn't forthcoming about discussing it will, over time, kill whatever love you still feel for him.

What is he actually doing to help you heal and repair your marriage? Let me guess: he expressed regret and remorse. Maybe he brings you the occasional bunch of flowers from the petrol station. But he feels that you ought to be over it by now, and that it is time to move on because rehashing it won't solve anything and in continuing to wallow in it you just keep opening old wounds.

Or words to that effect. Ask me how I know. It's part of the cheater's script. A version of it can probably be found on Chumplady.com. Do check it out if you haven't already.

The sad fact is that it is VERY difficult to come back from betrayal. It's so gut wrenchingly destructive to the health and viability of a relationship which ought to be your safe haven.

It can be patched up but it will never again be what it was, @Onholidayinthehouse. You have to decide if you can live with it and accept the relationship as it now is. Yes, some people grow to accept it through hard work over a long time. I thought I did, but in the end I didn't - and left after 5 years of trying.

I know it is hard when you have young children, but it's also hard in one's 60s, like me. YMMV, but I am truly glad and happy that I stopped putting up with his "I'm sorry it happened - we're good - let's move on" bullshit.

Look after yourself. Because no one else will.

[PS: There's a book entitled `How to help your partner get over your affair" which is sometimes recommended, though I haven't read it.]

Op...twice a day....sounds like he has issues and huge red flag here. Only have sex if you want it. he should be ending over to make up to you for his affair and the fact you agreed to take him back

There is high sex drive, and then there is utter selfishness and a massive sense of entitlement. When someone has done what this man has done, and continues to do, then you are looking at selfishness and a very overgrown sense of entitlement

This. Op, you cannot continue this. It will destroy your mental health, your feelings towards him (though he's helped destroy them already). Obligation sex is horrifically unhealthy. My dh used to have an extremely high sex drive too and to this day I now 99%of the time hate sex and dread it but luckily he's completely calmed down, but I remember those days with a shudder (twice a day, three if he could, every single fucking day, 6am and at 11pm/midnight when all I wanted to do was sleep, and woe betide if I said I needed I break from it).

Something has to change. He needs to go and have a wank. He needs to acknowledge that what he did has changed things forever. He needs to leave you the fuck alone. His actions after the discovery just show that he's more than likely to do it again, despite how much you are trying to "keep" him interested with all this horrible obligation sex.

I'd be interested to see how he coped with his sexual appetite if you got divorced and 50-50 childcare split..you know, basically what it should be now.

Do not have any sex every that you don't 100% want.

And you can't have enough sex to stop a cheat cheating. You won't win that one.

And why is his sex drive taking priority over yours in this "partnership"?

Hugs though, unmumsnetty ones. It's a horrible situation.

*anyone, not every!

@mathanxiety.... You make a lot of excellent points, including the fundamental need for OP's husband to change his view of his family and the relationship he has with you - he needs to examine what it is for him and whether he is willing to accept that it has many dimensions, not just one, and whether it is sacred to him.

I'd just like to add, and I expect you'd agree, that such change would require a degree of insight and moral compass that this man, given how he has behaved since the affair, probably does not possess.

Or, to put it in a nutshell: people rarely change. Especially cheaters. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

Counselling would help @Onholidayinthehouse find out what she really wants and decide from a position of strength, instead of continuing to pretzel herself to try to save the marriage.

Oh he’s a cheeky pig isn’t he. So entitled, putting it back to you, not getting attention at home or enough sex!!
He may have a sex addicted - his problem
He had an affair - his problem - unfortunately for you his problems have become your problems. Is he worth it?
Does he share the chores, show love outside the bedroom. Or is he just interested in getting his end away.
You are pretending - and that will be painful for you in the end.
Have you looked at The pick me dance - I know the other woman’s not there but you giving him more sex.
You will not be able to sustain this.
It is not your fault.🌺🌺

So you are working on your marriage by trying to appease his ‘sex drive’, while him ‘working in the marriage’ appears not to involve any work in his part in reflecting on how he managed his sexual appetite?

Is he working in your marriage at all?

The problem isn’t his sex drive, the problem is his sense of entitlement in getting it satisfied.

Maybe he could have a little empathy and consideration about the toll childbearing can take in a woman, having your body as the focus for infant suckling and pawing rather than as a source of sexual pleasure. The time it can take a woman to ‘switch modes’ and the circumstances needed for that.

Human beings are supposed to be civilised: we make choices about our urges, we are not wild beasts.

There is a step between ‘my beloved wife is not so often in the mood for sex at the moment’ and ‘therefore I must get sex elsewhere’.

Would couples counselling be if any help?

It’s just not sustainable to do this and I’m glad for you that you’re realising this, before you push yourself into a breakdown.

It seems to me that you’ve ended up doing (albeit mild) a version of the pick-me-dance where you are trying to keep him content. What’s he doing for you?

I’m not judging your choices- I want to be very clear on that. Keeping your family intact is a high priority for you, and he’s already shown by his affair that it’s a much lower priority for him. So naturally, your power in this relationship is weaker and you’re on the back foot.

I think family is very important. I make all sorts of compromises in my marriage to keep our little unit together and I’ve been fortunate that my dh does also. For a marriage to work you have to turn to each other and away from the world outside. You owe it to your marriage to bring your problems, stresses, worries and frustrations to your spouse. That’s what makes a marriage strong, not just the good stuff. And if you turn to someone else for emotional support you damage the foundations.

I’m sorry that your dh is so much less worthy of you and your family than you deserve. Now you’re in a situation where you have to choose between protecting the family unit and your psychological and emotional well being.

I’m going to gently suggest to you that protecting your emotional and psychological integrity might be more important to your children in the long run. Children need a parent who puts them first but you’re on an unsustainable path, and sooner or later your body will rebel against this abuse. What decisions would you make if you were to focus on protecting the health and well being of the mother of your children?

I’m not going to advocate LTB, but I think you have to be realistic and accept that you may end up as a single parent. Think about what that might be like- the bad and the good. Because, only when you’re willing to risk losing him, will your power equal his in this relationship. Whether he can step up and become a worthy husband and father is not something you have control over.

Wishing you well.

So you are working on your marriage by trying to appease his ‘sex drive’, while him ‘working in the marriage’ appears not to involve any work in his part in reflecting on how he managed his sexual appetite?

Is he working in your marriage at all?

This. You seem to be the one sacrificing more - and yes, it is sacrificing your own wants, time, feelings in a bid to save a marriage. What is he doing exactly?

I'm also in my 50's and I want to know is he so blind and so out of tune with your body's ''ways'', that he cannot ''feel'' when your body is having an orgasm?

do you feel he is getting his rocks off and it really doesn't matter what happens to you? Just as long as you play a part?

did you both seek professional counselling?

Geese Gal, I think you know where this is going. xx to you.

Twice a day! What...is he a gerbil or some shit? What the hell is wrong with him whereby he thinks twice a day is a reasonable expectation.

How is it you feel you have to defer to his ‘insatiable appetite’? He’s just a selfish spoiled wanker who thinks women are basically walking vaginas he’s entitled to free access to, surely? He’s nothing special.

Stop offering yourself up and kick him out. Ugh.

Twice a day! I couldn’t cope with that pressure, even without kids!

You didn’t make a mistake going back - you felt you wanted to give your marriage another go, so went for it.

The mistake would be if you stayed, knowing it’s not going to work.

Very simply you are incompatible. You know what you need to do so make preparations now.

And yes he is oversexed to the point of having an addiction/problem. As others have said, you are not there to satisfy his sex drive and are fully entitled to say No. Does he ever force himself on up you? Are you safe?

A cheat is a cheat.

They’ll throw out endless excuses but the truth is, if someone loves you they’ll do anything NOT to hurt you.

Urgh.

Really sorry but your family is already broken: in your family the father is a selfish entitled prick and the mother resents him (and will come to hate him in time). If your children don't know this already they will do as they grow up. They will learn that women have to put up with shit to keep men happy - or they will wish their parents split up so they could all be happy.

In your heart you know this already.

This can't continue. You know it. You also know that chances are he'll be unfaithful again once you stop pandering to his ludicrous sex demands.

What are you staying in the relationship for? If you are constantly swallowing your feelings to give him what he wants to try to avoid him sleeping with someone else - what's the point?

Having sex even though you don't want to is non consensual.
It's been recognised that consent can only be given without threats or manipulation.
Think about yourself in this OP. He is using your body solely for his own pleasure without a thought as to how you feel or what you want. I wouldn't call that the actions of someone who loves you.
It's a massive red flag actually. What if you were to say no on an occasion where his sex addiction meant he must have sex?..

Lock him in the downstairs loo with an Ipad and a box of tissues!