Dh won't stop smoking weed all day long

[stardrops12]

Dh resigned from his job in Jan because he has 'had enough with all the morons at work'. In Feb, he received a job offer but declined it because he thought the pay was too low despite them offering 5% more than his previous salary. Before the lockdown, I was always out of the house in the wee hours for work and just assumed that he spent the day working on his portfolio as that was what he told me he was doing.

Since the lockdown, I have found out that that has not been the case at all!! I know he likes a joint now and then—I did too—but what he's doing now is just taking the piss. What I've discovered is that it's the norm for him to wake up at noon, smoke, sit on the computer for maybe 2 hours 'working on his portfolio' while smoking, smoke some more, by which time he's tired and it's back to bed.

I asked him if he could smoke less because the smell was giving me a headache and I had to WFH and he told me to 'stop being such a bore no one likes this new you'. By that he means the 'new me' where I stopped smoking and drinking last year because smoking made me feel sluggish and hungry all the time and I was getting pretty overweight.

I'm seriously annoyed please tell me it's not just the lockdown that's driving me crazy....

Glad you are not funding his habit. I wonder how he does fund it, considering it sounds like some habit and he has been off months.

You have really made massive progress now that you have stepped back and stepped up you can see it all for what it is.

Really glad that your parents are on-side - they must be delighted for you.

If you are coping living with him on opposite hours then that’s fine - but do you have a contingency plan if he gets nasty?

When will you speak with solicitor? Have you an idea on what your plans might be? Can you afford to buy him out? Do you want to?

I would get everything all sorted before you speak to him.

stardrops12. I am rooting for you. You have great clarity of thought for someone who is living in a haze of weed smoke. I hope you stick to your plan and get out of this marriage.
30 years old?! You have so much time to do anything you want with your life. The way you have shaken your life up and straightened out makes me believe you won't struggle too much.
Please don't get sucked back in. There is nothing worse than those stoners who think they are intellectually superior and everyone else are blind sheeple. It is the ultimate lazy get out for all their own issues.
You deserve more and by the tone of your posts you have the ability to create yourself a lovely life free from this bollocks.

Blimey!

Nope it isn’t Lockdown getting to you, it had just given you a new perspective.

He isn’t very nice is he?
Who the hell argues with anyone about smoking in their house , let alone a) new fiancé’s parents b) who have an ill elderly relative in the house and c) at Christmas! Really ugly behaviour.

He is a freeloading cocklodger, sitting back and letting you pay the mortgage, and sponging off just Dad for while he has no respect.
He lies to you about ‘working on his portfolio).
He makes it hard for you to work, even though that keeps a roof over his head, and insults and verbally abuses you about the fact that you keep yourself in a fit state...in order to support you.

He is a nasty individual.

I bet ‘John’ dropped him, for missing a deadline or being rude to clients.

Keep working towards your future, OP. Keep up your running, maybe see if you can talk to any solicitors on the on the phone?

Have you got evidence that you paid the mortgage alone for so long?

Parents know about my intentions to divorce now. Dad gave me the number of a few good family lawyers he knows, mum told me she's baking me a cake once the lockdown is over!

I feel like baking a cake for them. Good parents.

Where and when is he buying all this weed???

I'm pleased you've had a light bulb moment.
One piece of advice - unless his dad is still giving him money, he will be running out of cash for the weed - I get anything valuable and small out of the house and somewhere safe before things start to go missing....Sorry to mention this but you need to be a step ahead.

I agree it's time to hide your valuables.

Good luck OP. Rooting for you!

Also clear 50% of any joint savings and move to a safe account as he could clear the lot.

Once you have your ducks in a row do you think it would be good to talk to his family -
Just tell them that he has a significant drug habit, declining MH (up all night watching conspiracy theories) and unable to work and you are now divorcing him so they may want to support him emotionally and practically now because you are unable to.
I would do this the day you tell him and when he has divorce paperwork in his hands otherwise he will just sit in his fug and denial for months, stalling everything until you end up calling his parents anyway. Don’t get into dialogue with the parents - because they will beg you to change your mind. You don’t need to justify your decision just state the facts unemotionally on email even - just repeat the same statement - don’t get drawn on any conversations. They will have to come to acceptance in their own time - it’s not your job to facilitate that,

@Gutterton
Great post.

Clear the house of anything you care about.
Would a friend keep some items for you. Fill your boot and take the car for a spin.

A day after my last post, Dh asked me to buy him a DSLR camera and a couple of lenses for his portfolio!! I refused of course and he 'retaliated' by upping his weed-smoking to a point where the smell was making me extremely nauseous and giving me headaches.

Fast forward a week, my mum sent me a picture of her craft section of the house all cleared up and asked me to move in. It has its own mini-kitchen, sofa-bed, bathroom, and separate entrance so I'm still social distancing from mum and dad (well, at least for 2 weeks or so) but oh god I made the move and I'm finally free of the conspiracies and the smell. I feel so guilty though especially as mum and dad have been so lovely about everything.

It also feels 'wrong' to move out of a house I'm paying for but even if I did get him to move out, I doubt that I'd be able to replace all the weed-smelling furniture in this current climate and I'm just about sick of it all. Also am in talks with a lawyer (over the phone) so that's one thing off the list at least.

Great work. Glad you've got somewhere you can relaxed and not with someone so annoying. xxxxx

Well done op!

How did he take it ?

He doesn't know I'm leaving for good yet—he thinks it's temporary because of my migraine and I figured I'd get everything on the legal end settled first before notifying him. I left him about a hundred quid as well to order food which I feel at least normalises everything so he won't get suspicious. It's also lucky I'm a minimalist and aside from my laptop and a few electronics which I've brought over because of 'work', don't really have many valuable things I care about!

Hurrah well done you!!!

I think he thinks the lockdown will end in less than 2 weeks and that once I'm back in the office things will go back to normal.

Crumbs keep strong op!! Where does he get all that weed from anyway in lock down

Probably while on his 'walks' but I don't know for sure and haven't bothered to asked.

@stardrops12 Well done!! You've done brilliantly. He will still think he is in his smoke doping element, taking everything for granted. I'd love to see his cocklodging face when you tell him you are divorcing him.

Also wanted to add, you are still so very young and you will meet someone more deserving of you in the future. Someone who will treat you equally, be emotionally mature and have the same values. You have a lot to offer, he doesn't. I'm so glad your parents are there to support you. Lots of luck, you will get through this!

@stardrops12

You sound like a fantastic woman, really deserve better than what is seemingly a 30+ year old teenager, I'm positive you will be better off!

Wow, I’ve just seen this thread for the first time and read all your messages and it is amazing to see how far you have come from your first post! You have done so well, be proud of that! And make sure you never let someone get between you and your parents again, they sound truely remarkable and so caring despite the hardships in between. If someone loves you, they should never make you feel bad for spending time with the people you care about 😊

💪👏 well done OP. So pleased for you. Play it cannily now and come out of it with as much as you can. Don't waste any sympathy on that loser.

How you doing @stardrops12

Delighted you made that move Stardrops what a cool character you are getting it all sorted and slipping away. I hope that your headache has lifted and that you will grieve through the wishful thinking phases and can plot a brighter future.