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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Dh won't stop smoking weed all day long

124 replies

stardrops12 · 17/04/2020 23:18

Dh resigned from his job in Jan because he has 'had enough with all the morons at work'. In Feb, he received a job offer but declined it because he thought the pay was too low despite them offering 5% more than his previous salary. Before the lockdown, I was always out of the house in the wee hours for work and just assumed that he spent the day working on his portfolio as that was what he told me he was doing.

Since the lockdown, I have found out that that has not been the case at all!! I know he likes a joint now and then—I did too—but what he's doing now is just taking the piss. What I've discovered is that it's the norm for him to wake up at noon, smoke, sit on the computer for maybe 2 hours 'working on his portfolio' while smoking, smoke some more, by which time he's tired and it's back to bed.

I asked him if he could smoke less because the smell was giving me a headache and I had to WFH and he told me to 'stop being such a bore no one likes this new you'. By that he means the 'new me' where I stopped smoking and drinking last year because smoking made me feel sluggish and hungry all the time and I was getting pretty overweight.

I'm seriously annoyed please tell me it's not just the lockdown that's driving me crazy....

OP posts:
CheddarGorgeous · 22/04/2020 19:30

OP you rock. He is indeed a knob of the highest order but we all have them in our dating/relationship history. Look forward, not back.

RandomMess · 22/04/2020 19:36

As he's not currently working how is he affording weed???

HoneysuckIejasmine · 22/04/2020 19:37

Don't say "almost" 30. You are "only" 30. You've got your whole life ahead of you and you can definitely do it without this twat.

Your Mum sounds ace. That's what parental love is, right there.

Veterinari · 22/04/2020 19:41

You're young OP. Get legal advice and get out.

Also prepare yourself for you DH to start spouting conspiracy theory 'sheeple' bullshit. Sounds like his weed paranoia might merge with COVID19 cobspiracy🙄

TorkTorkBam · 22/04/2020 19:45

I would cut off his weed money. He must be spending a fortune.

Make him feel like he has to get a job to feed his habit.

You can save a bit for the solicitor.

TorkTorkBam · 22/04/2020 19:47

If house prices tank that could be the perfect time to buy him out of the house. Perhaps with your parents help?

You need to speak to a solicitor to find out if your 90% and all the rest is definitely lost.

stardrops12 · 22/04/2020 20:03

As he's not currently working how is he affording weed???

Our accounts are separate—my choice—so I don't know the ins and outs of his finances especially this past year. I do know though that his dad (who Dh thinks has a 'one-track mind' and is low contact with) gave him money after he quit his most recent job. I don't know how much (I assumed it was just enough for food and his portfolio related things) and at the time I didn't ask questions because honestly I just couldn't be arsed to sit through another 'philosophical' lecture about his vision and how the founder of Tesla/Apple/Amazon etc never 'worked for the man'.

OP posts:
stardrops12 · 22/04/2020 20:05

Also I suspect that Dh's dad thinks I've lost my job too or something who knows I am too bloody tired to think about this shite.

OP posts:
Thingsdogetbetter · 22/04/2020 20:09

Oh my god, the duality of life symbolised by salt and pepper pots. Lol. And in black and white for the extra juxtaposition. Lol. Fuck.me no wonder no one appreciates his artistic vision - he doesn't have any!! Tell him his work is derivitive, mundane and prosaic. That it lacks meaningful conceptionality and legitimacy And a 4 year old has more more originality. Lol

That would be enough for me to dump him, let alone the cocklodging, man child shite!

billy1966 · 22/04/2020 20:12

OP, no doubt your mother is thrilled.

I'm in my mid 50's, well travelled, had a great life, met lots of different people over the years working on different continents.

I thought during my 20's I was very savvy and could pick out and read people.

I look back at some of the people I met ..wasn't involved with them...just friends that I worked with and I thought they were fun and cool.

Now I look back and I see something so different in some cases.

Experience in life is a huge thing.

You are a young woman with her whole fabulous life in front of her.

Lots of us posters see this fxxkwit of a husband you are with, and its so easy for us.

Just thank the universe or whatever you believe in, that you see him now, CLEARLY.

And get out and away, take your family's support and be so thankful that you now can see.

You can choose to be a looser or a learner from what's thrown at you. Choose to learn from this.

Flowers
RandomMess · 22/04/2020 20:14

He has money for weed but not to contribute to food and bills and mortgage. You will be richer in every way when he is ditched!!!

billy1966 · 22/04/2020 20:15

@Thingsdogetbetter
👍😂

He sounds sooooo dull.

Devlesko · 22/04/2020 20:19

OMG, what a loser and that's coming from someone who enjoys a spliff before bed.
My dh has one at night too, but no way would either of us tolerate this from the other.
Is he earning any money at all, or cocklodging?
I'm afraid he'd be gone now, if I'd have been with him.
Chuck him out for gods sake.

Gutterton · 22/04/2020 20:40

Wow you have done great. If I was your DM I would be high-fiving the post man and rounding up the street to do a “Clap for Starsdrops”

Honestly these knobs are such cliches. Keep you powder dry though. Do all your research on the quiet - get all your legal work done and then just present it to him.

Can you afford to buy him out (in 6 months when prices have dropped by 20%) - do you want to?

Be careful how you separate. Play the smart game. Something to flatter his ego - “I need to set your unique spirit free to the universe” or some other old shite.....

Just keep it all v vague - tell him you are not compatible - don’t give his disordered paranoid brain anything to latch on to.

Don’t feel stupid or shame. Feel proud that you have seen it and sorted it.

Meadows20 · 22/04/2020 23:06

I physically cringed when you mentioned he's all in on the conspiracy theories. I would be struggling to keep a straight face at this point and would be finding it difficult not to call him a fucking idiot. Eurghhhh...he's not original, he's a bloody cliche. I'd feel embarrassed for him if he weren't such an arse.

And you haven't done anything wrong...you've reflected on your life and decided that you would like more from it than a hanger on man child, that's growth :) good luck OP!

TorkTorkBam · 23/04/2020 00:26

The money you lose on the house in divorce is your "stupid tax". You work. You can earn it back. It will be fine. In future, avoid being stupid with men -cocklodgers to avoid stupid taxes.

Italiangreyhound · 23/04/2020 00:38

Well done OP. Flowers Cake

MrsTerryPratchett · 23/04/2020 01:39

Oh my god, the duality of life symbolised by salt and pepper pots. Lol. And in black and white for the extra juxtaposition. Lol.

Grin Not really a panty-dropper is it?

stardrops12 · 27/04/2020 17:52

When will this lockdown end? Sad

Woke up early this morning for a run (only started running this week after years of 0 physical exercise—don't worry there was no one out so kept up with social distancing guidelines) and lo and behold, Dh was still up and watching YouTube!

Came back from my run and he told me that he will no longer be working with let's just call him John because he 'lacks foresight' and 'doesn't see the big picture'. What did John do? Well, John is/was the person who connected him to clients for all his freelance work and apparently he found it insulting that John introduced him to a job that he thought was 'bad for his reputation'. What reputation?!

I thought I'd be devastated or sad about the direction my marriage is heading but frankly this is so tragically comical I just want to move on now. Maybe the lockdown is getting to me after all...

OP posts:
billy1966 · 27/04/2020 17:55

Go to your parents and self isolate in a bedroom if you can.

Better to be gone and start your divorce.

I hope you are not funding his weed anymore?

stardrops12 · 27/04/2020 18:04

On a different note, mum and I have been texting all week long. She's really witty and apparently now speaks fluent Greek and has a (her words) 'basic understanding of Dutch even though I can't pronounce the g sound'. Who knew!

OP posts:
stardrops12 · 27/04/2020 18:08

*Go to your parents and self isolate in a bedroom if you can.

Better to be gone and start your divorce.

I hope you are not funding his weed anymore?*

My dad's not the healthiest so all in all I think it's probably best for me to just stick it out here. It's not ideal but Dh isn't violent, sleeps all day, is awake smoking and YouTube'ing when I'm asleep and mostly leaves me alone to work in peace which I can manage.

Parents know about my intentions to divorce now. Dad gave me the number of a few good family lawyers he knows, mum told me she's baking me a cake once the lockdown is over!

Not funding his weed, god no.

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/04/2020 18:30

Your parents care for you, your husband does not.

Why do you think its actually better for you to remain in this house with your husband now?. Is it really because you are afraid of him and or his reaction when you tell him this marriage is over?. Your prevarication here does you no favours and unwell or not, your dad just wants you to be happy too.

RandomMess · 27/04/2020 18:39

Funny how now you've seen the light you can see how truly pathetic he is..,

Peonyonpoint · 27/04/2020 18:42

I am full of gratitude that the razor cheekboned musician i was obsessed with at 20 was such a shitbag to me that we had to break up for good. He sounds exactly like your DH (although I doubt he’d encourage anyone to cut ties with his family) and is now a paunchy, bloated, straggly bearded type. Perfectly amiable but aimless and still waiting for that big musical break.

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