Dh won't stop smoking weed all day long

[stardrops12]

Dh resigned from his job in Jan because he has 'had enough with all the morons at work'. In Feb, he received a job offer but declined it because he thought the pay was too low despite them offering 5% more than his previous salary. Before the lockdown, I was always out of the house in the wee hours for work and just assumed that he spent the day working on his portfolio as that was what he told me he was doing.

Since the lockdown, I have found out that that has not been the case at all!! I know he likes a joint now and then—I did too—but what he's doing now is just taking the piss. What I've discovered is that it's the norm for him to wake up at noon, smoke, sit on the computer for maybe 2 hours 'working on his portfolio' while smoking, smoke some more, by which time he's tired and it's back to bed.

I asked him if he could smoke less because the smell was giving me a headache and I had to WFH and he told me to 'stop being such a bore no one likes this new you'. By that he means the 'new me' where I stopped smoking and drinking last year because smoking made me feel sluggish and hungry all the time and I was getting pretty overweight.

I'm seriously annoyed please tell me it's not just the lockdown that's driving me crazy....

I spent over 6 years with someone like this.

When he did have work, it was minimum wage (which is absolutely fine but always use to brag how he went to uni and how other people were beneath him) but refused to do any overtime as he was too tired, whilst I worked 70 hour weeks to keep our head above water.

When he was made redundant, spent 6 months laying around doing sweet FA, just smoking and gaming, whilst I covered all the rent and bills.

Always had money for weed but never for us to go out anywhere or do anything. Would have one UK holiday away a year - which I paid for - he refused to do anything I liked to do, like go abroad or go to concerts etc. Was rude to my friends as they didn't 'think like him', criticised everything I did as I was either being a 'sheep' or not 'thinking for myself'.

He eventually did quit the weed but by that time I'd lost interest and left him as after 6 months of trying to explain how miserable I was, I realised it wasn't sinking in...only then did he realise how much he had been taking the piss as he had to support himself.

Honestly don't waste anymore time with him - he has zero intention of changing and tbh, with the current set up, has no benefit by doing so.

I just hope if you stumped up the deposit that you protected yourself and stipulated who would get what share of the house if you were to sell.

A part of me hopes this is something he'll grow out of but I don't know when it'll happen....

It won't.

The sad thing is, you're married. So he's going to be entitled (probably) to 50% of your hard work.

@Ulver

If I were you I would remind him that the house is mine and that if you chose to replace him he wouldn’t have any share in it

They're married...

Rly agree with this comment. My ex was like this and it got worse and worse. I am now a single mom to a one year old and 14 weeeks pregnant, live at my moms,and he sleeps on his mom couch and doesn’t help me raise my child at all:/ irs actually got way worse tho and he has had rly bad episodes of mental health issues.. I’d probably think about leaving while you can to be honest.

I’m sorry

I couldn't be attracted to or associate with someone who smoked weed 🥴🤢

He’s a freeloading pothead.
Sadly, as pp have said, he’s entitled to 50% of your house. I would cut my losses now rather than continue to support this dope.

'Office toxicity?' 'Morons,' or they don't understand his vision? He sounds a narcissistic wanker OP.

And I like the new you- most people would, most people are not stoners and not particularly fans of them. They don't like pretentious wankery losers with an overly high opinion of themselves either.

Does he say other nasty stuff to you? What are things like in general?

Yes, I briefly dated an 'artistic' stoner. It wasn't good for my health to be around that stuff (I have bipolar and even passively smoking it was enough to help send me a bit funny. I also have asthma and it was a lot worse at his place.) I think you would feel mentally fresher and physically healthier for not living in a fug of it.

Oh and yes my ex had mental health problems- what a surprise! He was obese too. They also tend to believe a lot of annoying flakey bollox, and probably think they're enlightened.

It'll be 50/50 on the equity of the house. Your deposit and 3 years of mortgage paid off BY YOU. If you don't leave now, it'll be your deposit and 10 years of mortgage paid off BY YOU. The longer you leave this the bigger the equity will be. All paid by you!

That's 7 more years of you paying the mortgage that he'll get 50% of. Leave his entitled, non-productive ass. Artists are capable of working and producing a portfolio. He's managing neither.

Step back from this and just observe what is going on right now under your nose.

Withdraw and emotionally detach in your head (he won’t even notice) so that you have the emotional space and broad perspective to see what’s happening.

Write up a log of his weed habit over the years alongside how his life has changed with it - is eg when did he start complaining and getting agitated with employers, what has happened to his hobbies, family and friend relationships, what’s happened to his mood.

Then look back at your life - how has it changed - your mood, your workload, your money, your social life etc. How has your life adapted to accommodate his addiction?
Know that he has moved from a functioning addict to one that isn’t functioning anymore.

Pay close attention to how you have felt at different times (let down, confused, disappointed, disrespected, ignored, unheard, frustrated, sad, stressed, angry, hurt?) - and document that. This is the most important part. How are you feeling in this RS?

Then know that this will all just get worse and worse until he has taken your sanity, your joy, your MH, your optimism, your hopes and dreams and eroded your spirit (if he hasn’t already)

Again in your own head and space look at what untangling him from your life would look like. Research options and get some legal advice. Don’t discuss any of this with him until you have you ducks in a row and know what you want to do because you will just trigger a psycho drama.

The worse thing you could do is get in his face and repeatedly demand changes - as he will just turn inwards and resist answer resent you - smoke more and behind your back. If you detach from him emotionally and practically you will stop enabling his addiction because currently you are fuelling it by providing money for food, bills, mortgage - which frees him up to buy weed.

This is the reality shock that he needs. The kindest thing you can do for his life is leave him as this provides an opportunity for him hit rock bottom, be sufficiently uncomfortable to reflect on his life choices and then decide whether he wants to change and grow. He can’t do this when you are propping up his addiction.

You might be in luck OP as if we have a property crash you can “buy him out” which might cost you v little or nothing.

What’s was your childhood like - I am wondering why you are used to people treating you so badly?

it feels like I'm the only one in this relationship who has grown up.

That’s a pretty accurate assessment of where you are, you’ve outgrown him and he has absolutely no interest in catching up.

His sense of entitlement was never confined to work and now you are wfh you can’t fail to ignore it.

TOTALLY agree with the brilliantly named CheddarGorgeous

"You need to protect yourself financially. Get good legal advice and try to recoup your inheritance from the house sale when you divorce."

OP what do you think is going to make him 'grow up'? If he is getting a free lifestyle of pop smoking and doing sweet FA then why would be choose to grow up.

Is it because you are with a baby that you don't want kids? Or is it a choice you have made independent of him? I am only saying this because it sounds like your 'joint' life together (pun intended) is on his terms at the moment.

What would happen if you got sick, could he care for you? What would happen if you lost your job, how would the mortgage get paid?

Please look after yourself, he is isn't going to do it!

Thank you all for the replies. He's still asleep after having spent the night on YouTube and some random subreddits and sad as it sounds I like him best this way as there's no smoke fogging up the house and no comments from him.

Was rude to my friends as they didn't 'think like him', criticised everything I did as I was either being a 'sheep' or not 'thinking for myself'.

This statement is so eerie to me because my Dh have said things exactly like that.

Regarding my upbringing, my parents are very lovely down-to-earth people. I was a stupid late teen/young adult however and thought that they were very 'uncool'.

When Dh proposed after less than 8 months of dating, I brought him home to introduce him to my parents for the first time and they were understandably upset.

The first Christmas after that, we were invited to my parents' house and Dh started smoking right after brunch. At the time, my granddad was very ill and living with them and my dad actually got into an argument with Dh about him smoking indoors. He didn't want to have anything to do with them after that and I just doubled-down in support of him. This happened almost 10 years ago.

I feel so stupid now. Last year I actually just went over to my parents' house out of the blue. The 3 of us had a nice talk and my mum said that 'we all do dumb things when we're young and that as long as you're happy now we're happy for you'. What the hell was I supposed to say to that? I threw away so many years and almost destroyed the relationship with my parents and I'm not even happy.

Sorry if my posts sound a bit jumbled I hardly got any sleep last night and am not the clearest of thinkers right now.

Jesus Christ OP.

What a horror story.

10 years ago you were young and stupid.

Forgive yourself.

But what is your excuse now.

Your poor parents, to have seen you throw your life away on a complete waster.

Go to your parents and ask for their help.

Thank God you haven't had children with this waster.....a small grace.

He is one of life's wasters.

Don't regret anymore of yout life.

Don't be a mug and let the stupidity of youth, lock you into this life forever.

Forget your pride.
Contact your parents.
They had the measure of him.
They won't be surprised.

Be brave.

He's a cocklodging drug addict with a huge ego, and you're a mug.

Get legal advice about the house and LTB.

Sorry OP that you've had a rough night.

Try not to be so hard on yourself. I was young when I met my ex too. Part of the attraction was that he was a bit of free spirit and his not give a shit attitude was a breathe of fresh air as I'm a little bit of a control freak. Just realised after a few years that all his insightful musings was just him being stoned, and a load of BS that wasn't going to pay the bills.

I think if you're that unhappy you need to have an honest conversation with someone you trust who lives near by, a friend or a relative maybe? And start getting your affairs in order. How much is the house worth? How much did you put in? And get some advice of how you get him out if that's the route you decide to take.

If it's any comfort (ha!) it's possible that the housing market will tank so much there's no equity (yes, black humour).

Don't worry, lots of us do dumb things in our twenties - I know I did and had to start again at 30 with £0 and I was fine in the end. Just don't let it drag on longer than it has to...

Get everything sorted behind the scenes.. proof you paid more into deposit and pay monthly bills etc... then off he goes! You deserve so much better

Bloody hell I hope that 90% deposit was ringfenced/protected?

I'd get some legal advice, quick smart.

I partake in a bit of weed at the weekends if my kids are at their dads, I also have 2 jobs and work bloody hard though so no need for the judgey comments on people who use it, we're not all like this lazy prick thanks!

Lol at withnail and I, my favourite film ❤️

I was going to pull out the statement you highlighted from a PP as my experience is the same - all this paranoia, conspiracy theory nonsense caused by the weed and whipped up by YouTube - it’s also an abuse tactic to isolate you from friends and family so that he can hide you from their opinions and has all of your attention.

You need to reach out to your family and friends. They will be delighted to help you and have you back. They will have seen all of this years ago and will have been waiting for you.

Don’t let him know though because you are at risk in lockdown. Reach out to family and friends, do your research, get legal advice and your ducks in a row before telling him what will happen next otherwise he will manipulate and punish you more than necessary. When you do this expect the pleading, begging, threatening shenanigans (suicide is a common threat - just call emergency services if he pulls this stunt - he won’t do that repeatedly). Just tell him that you don’t share the same values and goals and are not compatible. Don’t bother blaming him (even though it’s his fault) because this just ends in confrontation and conflict which will only hurt you and delay you moving on. Rinse and repeat some vanilla “reason”.

Be kind to yourself. Reflecting can be excruciatingly painful. But it is ultimately healing. Be proud that you are now seeing it.

Nanny0gg

@Ulver

If I were you I would remind him that the house is mine and that if you chose to replace him he wouldn’t have any share in it

They're married...

But if she has paid for the house will he automatically get 50%?
I thought as she paid 90% of the deposit that she could buy him out with 10%? Hypothetically

My dad hated my Starter Husband.

Starter Husband

@MrsTerryPratchett, this cracks me up every time but it's so spot on 😂

Get rid. Artistic and weed smoking to me shouts ‘lazy fucker’.

@Meadow89 It was said to me by a very dear friend around the time of my break up. It REALLY helped me.