Separate finances: am I getting a good deal or a bad deal?

[Anxious2020]

Hi, this keeps playing on my mind about finances. I am not sure if I am getting a good deal and should quit moaning or if I am right as something doesn’t feel right.

My dp probably earns about 36k, not one hundred percent sure as he doesn’t tell me, but that’s what I can make out from his excel sheet on the pc. I earn 6k per year part time and do all childcare. He pays mortgage, utility bills, food, his car and petrol and phone and his clothes and family holiday once per year. I pay for my car and petrol and phone, my clothes, kids clothes, school uniform, activities like swimming and music lessons dance lessons, school trips, food when eating out and takeaways, toiletries, hair cuts, days out, kids pocket money and a bit in their trust funds each month, and a course relating to my job to help me get a better job when kids are older. And I pay for all birthday presents and Christmas presents for kids, him, my family and his family, he pays for mine. And I pay for birthday parties. Dress up days, craft supplies etc. I have nothing left at the end of the month, well that’s a lie £50 which I spend on getting my hair dyed, the odd item of clothes and makeup/toiletries. From what I can work out he has about £1000 spare a month, but all of this goes on debt repayments because he secretly gambles and also buys cars that he cannot afford so takes loans out for £500 a month. Part of me feels like I am getting a good deal as he covers mortgage utility bills and food. But the other half of me is stressed as I feel we should have joint finances we would be better off and could save, instead he wastes his spare money and I feel like I work every second the kids are at school to provide them with the necessities. But when I talk to him he says my job pays for the “luxuries” and his the important bills so we could easily do without my job it’s just extra pocket money. But I have had 6 months of work before when our daughter was seriously ill and I was having to ask him to buy school uniform and birthday presents etc and he said he can’t afford these things and I need to get another job ASAP. I’m confused as he thinks I expect to be a pampered princess with him paying for everything? But I’m confused as I don’t feel like that I feel like I’m struggling while he wastes money. I spoke to him again about it last night and he said I should work more hours then and ask my parents to do the afternoon school run (my parents are 70).

Surely the first issue is the fact that he secretly gambles and buys expensive cars .... has he always done that? Has he tried to stop?

No he said he needs those things as he works so hard. He does work a 60 hour week, 6 night shifts, but from what I can work out if he didn’t have the expensive car and stopped gambling then he could work day shifts? That’s another thing I never see him as he works 6 nights a week and sleeps all day. I haven’t spent a weekend with him in the whole of out 20 year relationship (he has always worked weekends). When I complain he said I’m being ungrateful and that he works hard to pay all of the bills.

For the last 10 years since we have had children I have looked after the kids and entertained them on my own every weekend.

I just feel tired all the time. But he said he works so hard and do I expect him to do all the house stuff too. Then I feel bad.

Of course it’s a bad deal - there is no transparency and he isn’t treating the money as joint.
And you seem to be not married and financially vulnerable as well.

Why not make a family budget with main expenses and contribute proportionately. I am not sure why you spend on so many ex once categories while only on a much smaller salary.

Are you married? If not you are incredibly vulnerable should you separate.

Regardless of marriage you have £50 a month spending and he has £1000. Doesn't seem fair.

Sounds a very unusual relationship ... what were your financial arrangements in the ten years before you had children?

We didn’t live together before we had children so the finances were separate. He said he wanted to live by himself so I stayed at home living with my mum and dad until I was 26. He only asked me to move in because I unexpectedly became pregnant. Second child was planned though. No we are not married. He did propose 2 years ago but I have not started planning a wedding as so many things don’t feel right. He said I’m just looking for problems though and everyone has problems behind closed doors.

Nobody "needs" gambling and expensive cars that they can't afford without loans. That's a massive read flag. A lot of people work very hard (e.g. nurses) and don't use that as an excuse to spend beyond their means.

*red flag

He does work as a type of specialist nurse. He said it’s so stressful he needs a release to keep himself mentally healthy

You lost me at "gambles secretly"

He could get his shit together, stop gambling, get a daytime job, take some responsibility in the household and act like normal human.

You're wasting your time and your energy. And no, you're not getting 'a good deal'.

It is financially abusive. He earns approx six times your wage and yet you pay for everything on your meagre income and he has plenty of spare cash?

He doesn't see the children as his responsibility if he won't even pay for clothes or swimming lessons and the like.

He won't get any better if you split up but you would be better off as you would be entitled to some benefits and, more importantly, you would have a choice on what to spend it on.

I would be looking to split up in your situation.

But I feel I have a lot of pressure on me which is affecting my mental health but he said he would swap roles with me in an instant but that I don’t have the same earning capacity as him (low paid admin job)

i wouldnt have joint finances with someone who secretly gambles and borrows money

From what I can work out he has about £1000 spare a month, but all of this goes on debt repayments because he secretly gambles and also buys cars that he cannot afford so takes loans out for £500 a month.

don't marry him or buy property with him

I'd run, frankly.

This won't end well, and you don't want him to destroy your children's futures with his inability to handle money and obvious gambling addiction.

We already own a property together 😞

Maybe it’s better our finances are separate then if he gambles? We did have a trial at joint finances 10 years ago but he got cross if I bought anything for the baby it caused arguments and the finances have been separate ever since. He saw me buying a few bigger size baby clothes and a few toys and books as luxuries we couldn’t afford.

I’m just seriously thinking about the future now as I don’t feel we are a team at all

So many red flags.

I don't think I would continue the relationship. It sounds like servitude, not a loving family life. He is financially abusive. You have options, I'd really start to consider them and take it from there. Only you know if he will change if given the cold hard facts of what will happen if he doesn't get help with his issues.

In a 'normal' situation I'd say all finances should be pooled - you both pay your wages into a joint account and that pays for everything else.

But there's no fucking way you should pool your money with a secret gambler.

This is a bad situation for you lass. Finish your course, take your kids and leave.

I have spoke to him about separating last week as we have been arguing with me in lockdown being around him more, he said he would pay the mortgage instead of maintenance and I could stay in the house until the kids are 18 or until I met someone else. But that he would need to store his stuff here and be able to come and go to get it

But since that talk I said I don’t know what I want to do and let’s just try to get on during lockdown (he is still working nights for nhs and I don’t want to cause him added stress)

He is financially abusive.

I'd also lose all love for a man who resented his own baby having clothes, toys and books. Good dads go without their own luxuries so their kids can have normal things like that.

He sounds horrible

BAscially he pays for all the stuff he would have to if he was on his own

You pay for everything for yourself and for HIS children. He doesnt support them at all

Run and take your children with you - go to your parents you are allowed