Separate finances: am I getting a good deal or a bad deal?

[Anxious2020]

Hi, this keeps playing on my mind about finances. I am not sure if I am getting a good deal and should quit moaning or if I am right as something doesn’t feel right.

My dp probably earns about 36k, not one hundred percent sure as he doesn’t tell me, but that’s what I can make out from his excel sheet on the pc. I earn 6k per year part time and do all childcare. He pays mortgage, utility bills, food, his car and petrol and phone and his clothes and family holiday once per year. I pay for my car and petrol and phone, my clothes, kids clothes, school uniform, activities like swimming and music lessons dance lessons, school trips, food when eating out and takeaways, toiletries, hair cuts, days out, kids pocket money and a bit in their trust funds each month, and a course relating to my job to help me get a better job when kids are older. And I pay for all birthday presents and Christmas presents for kids, him, my family and his family, he pays for mine. And I pay for birthday parties. Dress up days, craft supplies etc. I have nothing left at the end of the month, well that’s a lie £50 which I spend on getting my hair dyed, the odd item of clothes and makeup/toiletries. From what I can work out he has about £1000 spare a month, but all of this goes on debt repayments because he secretly gambles and also buys cars that he cannot afford so takes loans out for £500 a month. Part of me feels like I am getting a good deal as he covers mortgage utility bills and food. But the other half of me is stressed as I feel we should have joint finances we would be better off and could save, instead he wastes his spare money and I feel like I work every second the kids are at school to provide them with the necessities. But when I talk to him he says my job pays for the “luxuries” and his the important bills so we could easily do without my job it’s just extra pocket money. But I have had 6 months of work before when our daughter was seriously ill and I was having to ask him to buy school uniform and birthday presents etc and he said he can’t afford these things and I need to get another job ASAP. I’m confused as he thinks I expect to be a pampered princess with him paying for everything? But I’m confused as I don’t feel like that I feel like I’m struggling while he wastes money. I spoke to him again about it last night and he said I should work more hours then and ask my parents to do the afternoon school run (my parents are 70).

and definitely don’t sign or agree to anything he wants until you’ve had legal advice

He sounds really horrible. Please stop trying to think what is fair for him. He couldn’t give two shits what is fair for you. If he did, he would share his money and get his gambling under control. Paying the mortgage isn’t a good deal for you.

You say you put money in the trust funds every month. I bet he doesn’t, am I right? He doesn’t care that your kids get anything in life beyond merely existing. And let me guess, to polish his ego.

You've made the mistake of giving up your chance of a career in order to let him have his career - and that's bad enough but then he keeps all his money anyway. I don't know how you do what you do on £6,000 per year - you must be very good at managing your money. £6,000 is £120 pw yet you have £50 pm left over for your hair? How do you manage?

Hasn't the law changed now so that credit cards can't be used to pay for gambling? That should put a stop to his debts going out of control, but that's beside the point.

I think you need to look at leaving him in the next couple of years, when you're in a position to do so.

What is the course that you're taking? What kind of job would you want to get when you're free to work full time?

There is about £60,000 equity in the house and the mortgage is £600 a month

Hollow talk yes I am very good at budgeting I have to be. I do sometimes do overtime at work when it’s available so that helps but it’s not frequent. I basically only buy what we need. And the hair etc is essential as I’m going grey 😂 but I barely have anything and if I get invited somewhere that needs nice clothes like a wedding etc then I panic as this is not in my budget

I am studying to be a medical secretary in my spare time at the moment I do basic admin for a small office

It fits in well with school hours but long term it isn’t going to pay the bills so that’s why I have started studying to try and regain my financial independence

Before kids I’ve only had basic office jobs but they were full time, part time does not seem to pay well at all

So I think you're looking at this slightly the wrong way round if you want to be able to have a conversation with him where you have a hope of seeing eye to eye with each other! Instead of trying to work out if YOU are getting a "good" or "bad" deal, look at whether EACH of you are getting a "fair" deal and use that as a way to start the conversation.

You say he works 6 x 10 hour night shifts per week, then add on commuting time, plus any chores/housework/childcare/school runs etc he does at home/non working time to give a total number of "worked" hours for him.

Take the hours you work, then add on commuting time, chores/housework/childcare/school runs to give a total number of "worked" hours for you.

Then divide the total household income (yours + his) by the total hours (yours + his) worked to calculate an "income per hour worked". This method would ensure that whoever gets more free time than the other has a lesser income to compensate. This method could also be used to work out the impact of you working extra (paid) hours in your job - the extra £XXX would require you or he to do an extra XXX hours of housework/chores/childcare etc.

What you choose to do regarding debts is a discussion to be had between the two of you. Ordinarily, I would take the view of paying the debts down together as a team, even though he's the one who ran them up, to get them cleared as quickly as possible. However, given that he is still racking up the debts with no sign of stopping, in your situation I wouldn't be willing to subsidise this and would want him to pay the debts from his own pocket.

For what it's worth, I am a strong believer in complete financial openness in a relationship and would generally advocate all money going into one pot and being spent from there (which is what my husband and I do), but I can't see that working with the attitude that your partner is currently taking.

Good luck, whatever approach you take, you need to find a way to start communicating with each other. That is the ONLY way you'll be able to make any changes!

Financially abusive and controlling.
He gambles because of his job?
What a loada crap.
Get a plan together, you're worth more than this.

Thank you for your help everyone I am feeling a bit stronger this morning now that I know other people think this is not right either

I agree with all PPs on this.
Only one thing to add- are you absolutely sure you own half the house?
You said you lived separately, you with your parents and be in this house into you fell pregnant and then he asked you to move in.

You’re not married, so no automatic right to a share of the house. He’s always paid the mortgage and house bills, not you. Unless he’s added you to the deed as a tenant in common or joint tenant, you as a live in girlfriend have zero ownership of the house. Even if he’s told you he’s added you to the deeds, have you seen that with your own eyes? Because he gambles secretly, I would not put it past him to have pulled the wool over your eyes and deceived you. The house May be solely in his name and he’s effectively prevented you from putting any cash or capital into the mortgage or house costs.

More info here
www.familylawpartners.co.uk/blog/property-rights-for-unmarried-couples/

I stopped at the part where you said you don't know how much your partner earns. This is very strange and worrying.
He sounds an arsehole

Yes I do own half the house, we moved 5 years ago out of his property and bought this house together. He had no equity in his property just enough to pay the moving costs so my parents paid the deposit on this house and he has paid them back over the last 5 years.

I feel like I haven’t contributed towards the house so feel guilty like he has worked so hard. But after writing down everything else I pay for and I do all school runs and childcare and cooking cleaning shopping etc so seeing it written down I realise I do contribute in a different way.

Plus I’ve had to take a lower paid job to fit around the kids as he is too tired from his job to do any childcare

How much did he pay your parents back? That would definitely have used up his income, for a period of time.

When you applied for a mortgage did you know his earnings? 36k isn't an enormous amount for a family so can't see how he has 1k left over each month. Do you also get tax credits and child benefit?

You are disadvantaged not being married as I assume he also has a pension whereas you have none.

"He said he would pay the whole mortgage instead of maintenance so the kids could stay in their home. He kept saying it’s really important for the kids to have a stable home"

He is further being a shit here by saying this to you. He is financially responsible for his children so I would also pursue a child maintenance claim against him as well. You have facilitated his life by being with him at your own overall expense both financial and emotional. You've taken a pensions hit here for him as well.

Do seek legal advice asap and firm up plans to leave him. Quite apart from his inherent gambling problem what you are describing here is financial abuse and such men do not just solely financially abuse their chosen target either. This is also no relationship model for your children to be a part of and they deserve better too.

techway he paid them back £200 a month for 5 years. When we applied for the mortgage I earnt 10k a year as I used to work more hours but after a 2nd maternity leave I cut my hours so for the last 4 years I have only earnt 6k. So I don’t think the £200 a month was excessive. He also bought a car for 20k in that time them a few years later sold it at a big loss and bought another new one at 25k. 2 years ago I know he spent 12k gambling that I know of I came across a secret PayPal loan he secured against his self employment. At the moment from what I can make out he is 40k in debt. When 5 years ago he had 0 debt as I helped him pay off 12k of debt so we could move to a bigger house (I paid 3k off out of the 12k out of my earnings)

With his earnings and self employment he has about 2.5k a month after tax from what I can see from last years figured I found on a spread sheet. He was using 1k a month to pay debts off

it looks like the mortgage food and utilities come to a out £1,200 a month from what I’ve worked out from his spread sheet

And about £1000 comes out in loan payments and credit cards a month

He's 40 k in debt????
Get out of this now.
God knows what else he is up to.
He has no respect for you.
You didn't make a mistake to look after your children, I disagree about that. You did what was best for your family at the time.
He's taking you for a fool now though.

Start getting your ducks in a row.
You need a payslip. Find out what he is actually earning. Go through his emails if you have to. Get copies of this so you can prove it when you apply for CSA.

When you're ready, when the lockdown is over, get a valuation on the property, if it's in both of your names.

Find yourself a property to rent. Tell him you're leaving and that he can buy you out of the house or that you need to sell up.

Then go your separate ways. The way you are living is unfair to you, but to become more financially entangled would be very unwise.

Don't feel guilty for not contributing towards the house when you were having children and looking after HIS children.
This is not a partnership, he is taking the piss and has a serious gambling addiction