Separate finances: am I getting a good deal or a bad deal?

[Anxious2020]

Hi, this keeps playing on my mind about finances. I am not sure if I am getting a good deal and should quit moaning or if I am right as something doesn’t feel right.

My dp probably earns about 36k, not one hundred percent sure as he doesn’t tell me, but that’s what I can make out from his excel sheet on the pc. I earn 6k per year part time and do all childcare. He pays mortgage, utility bills, food, his car and petrol and phone and his clothes and family holiday once per year. I pay for my car and petrol and phone, my clothes, kids clothes, school uniform, activities like swimming and music lessons dance lessons, school trips, food when eating out and takeaways, toiletries, hair cuts, days out, kids pocket money and a bit in their trust funds each month, and a course relating to my job to help me get a better job when kids are older. And I pay for all birthday presents and Christmas presents for kids, him, my family and his family, he pays for mine. And I pay for birthday parties. Dress up days, craft supplies etc. I have nothing left at the end of the month, well that’s a lie £50 which I spend on getting my hair dyed, the odd item of clothes and makeup/toiletries. From what I can work out he has about £1000 spare a month, but all of this goes on debt repayments because he secretly gambles and also buys cars that he cannot afford so takes loans out for £500 a month. Part of me feels like I am getting a good deal as he covers mortgage utility bills and food. But the other half of me is stressed as I feel we should have joint finances we would be better off and could save, instead he wastes his spare money and I feel like I work every second the kids are at school to provide them with the necessities. But when I talk to him he says my job pays for the “luxuries” and his the important bills so we could easily do without my job it’s just extra pocket money. But I have had 6 months of work before when our daughter was seriously ill and I was having to ask him to buy school uniform and birthday presents etc and he said he can’t afford these things and I need to get another job ASAP. I’m confused as he thinks I expect to be a pampered princess with him paying for everything? But I’m confused as I don’t feel like that I feel like I’m struggling while he wastes money. I spoke to him again about it last night and he said I should work more hours then and ask my parents to do the afternoon school run (my parents are 70).

Lots of concerning things going on here op. If he is a specialist nurse working weekend night shifts then he is earning way more than £36000 unless he is new into post/ bottom of band. Can’t be a specialist nurse below Band 6 . You need to check out nurse pay scale. However why will he not tell you how much he earns?
Why have you not got a spreadsheet of how much even costs ie. how much do you pay yearly for birthday presents and how much does that equate to monthly. A salary of £36000 is about £2000 monthly so do you know how much the mortgage and utilities are?
I worked night shifts/ weekends for years and have kids. Their father accepted that so not a case of moaning that we never spent weekends together.
But the biggest concern is that you have a gambler and if he does not accept that then that’s a whole different problem.

Even his plan for separation is controlling - no, he doesn't get to come and go as he pleases.

Better to sell the house.

You are walking on eggshells to please him - that's also not a good sign at all.

This whole set up sounds ridiculous.

he said he would pay the mortgage instead of maintenance and I could stay in the house until the kids are 18 or until I met someone else. But that he would need to store his stuff here and be able to come and go to get it

So pretty much as it is now then 🙄

What do you actually get out of this relationship?

Loo

I do feel he is controlling. I feel like just running away with the kids but I know that I can’t, it’s not fair on him and also I can’t afford to. I can’t stay with parents I have already asked

The things I get out of the relationship is stability as he covers the main bills. But I know if he left I could do that with help from universal credit

He is new to nursing his first year before that he worked nights as a care assistant while studying but in a specialist area so was on 36,000 then, that’s why I’m not sure what he is on now in his new role

Some of that earnings also included some self employment so it’s really confusing he can easily hide what he earns

Why do you want to live this way, it is not a household you should be bringing up children. In answer to your question, you are most definitely not getting a good deal, it couldnt be much worse. He is controlling, a gambler and has no interest in your family.

You will be so much happier without him.

There’s so much wrong here. I don’t even know where to start. Firstly, don’t get married. Normally that advice would be different but he’s a gambler with secret debt. If you tie yourself to him through marriage you could lose your share of the house. It might be fine but (like my aunt) you could get married and find he had 50k of debt. There’s so much unknown here that you can’t get married. You just don’t marry somebody like him. He’s secretive and selfish and weird. Does he think he’s a martyr or something? Does he think he’s special? What makes him so special? Does he think that no other man/dad in the entire country does any housework or childcare? Plenty of men work lots of hours and still do their share of housework and looking after the kids. Because they are a TEAM with their partner. They WANT to spend time with their kids. They CARE about what their partner thinks and feels and if she is happy or not. He doesn’t give a flying fuck about you or your feelings. He’s quite happy to just hoard his little pennies away and do what he wants when he wants. That’s not a family is it? Tell him to go shove himself up his own arrogant arse. You can do better. Oh and interesting that once you’ve split he will have to do his share of looking after the kids then won’t he! Prick. You’ll be getting every other weekend to yourself. You’ll be able to get your life back. I know somebody who was in a similar position. But she was worse because she didn’t have the part time job. She didn’t have a penny. She left him and she’s super happy. Met somebody else who treats her and her kids like they are special which they are.

I think, if you stick with separate finances then you need to ask him to cough up at least half the money for children's birthday and Christmas presents.
I would also push for children's uniforms and school trips too.
If you combined your finances, you would have less control over outgoings in general and with someone who has a gambling problem.
Every weekend being full time in charge of your own children sounds very sad for your children. They don't get to spend much quality time with their dad. I would want to change this too, start a hobby that means you're gone most of one day every other week?

How can I go about leaving? I had applied for full time work but that’s difficult with covid 19 plus I’m at home looking after my children and the youngest is shielded for 12 weeks as she has a very serious health problem. I am willing to wait until children are back at school but even then I can’t see a way out apart from staying in the house while he pays the mortgage and still basically controls my life. I just want to start fresh somehow, I have been unhappy too long

Get some advice on how splitting would work. Look into how much you would get on UC. Do you have a spare room? You could move in a lodger to help cover bills? There are lots of options? Make sure he commits to doing his share of childcare so that you can work. You don’t have to cover and cope with all the childcare. He’s got parental responsibility too. Could you rent out your entire property and rent somewhere smaller/cheaper for you and the kids and then sell the property when the economy returns to normal? Would that work. Start going through all of the scenarios. Get advice from a solicitor/citizens advice/rights for women.

There is a way out. You just can’t see it right now. Plenty of people split up who own houses together. There must be a way. My friend moved out of the house and into an apartment and the cost was covered by housing benefit. It’s not ideal but meant she got away from the controlling arsehole. Then the property was sold. Property is just bricks and mortar. Your mental health and happiness is more important. Speak to a solicitor (lots do a free half hour) to see your rights if he leaves but covers the mortgage still. What does that mean for him expecting to store stuff there and coming and going. Maybe there’s a legal agreement that can be made.

www.google.co.uk/amp/s/www.moneyadviceservice.org.uk/en/articles/dividing-the-family-home-and-mortgage-during-separation/amp

Thank you that is some ideas to look into. I do have a spare room so renting that out is an option to help with bills. I just don’t like the idea of him still having any control over me if he is still paying the mortgage and owning half the house. I had thought of renting somewhere but would need a full time job first

He said he would pay the whole mortgage instead of maintenance so the kids could stay in their home. He kept saying it’s really important for the kids to have a stable home

So basically he still wants us to own the house together but he would go and live somewhere else but wants to store all his stuff here and be able to get things from the home for his self employment when he wants to

It’s all so confusing im starting to wish we rented instead

It looks like you could make a claim to stay in the property until kids are 18. Courts put kids interests first (not his). Then they would take his name off the mortgage but he would retain a “beneficial interest” in the property. That means when it’s sold in the future he’d get the share of what he’s put in. It would also mean he’d have no rights to come and go. See, there are things that can be done. Stay put. Speak to solicitors. Google “splitting up mortgage” and your area and call all of them and find out which ones offer free half hour. Information is power and you need to now be gathering info.

Thank you soannya that is really helpful information

No. He doesn’t get to decide what happens and what he wants to do. You contact a legal expert and find out what your rights are. Then you decide what works best for you and the children.

I haven't really got anything to add to the excellent advice you've already had OP. I just wanted to agree that your OH sounds like an abusive, nasty person.

I second PPs advice re www.rightsofwomen.org.uk lots of great resources as well as legal helplines. You can perhaps have a proper look when OH is working/kids are (hopefully) in bed?

He doesn't get to dictate the terms of your separation. It sounds like you've been belittled and ground down for so long that you don't know where to start and all this is one huge mess.

Deep breath, one thing at a time. Make a list if you can hide it safely (I find writing lists helps me). You're not going to sort this our overnight but you can start to make plans for you and your children.

You can also get free advice from citizens advice. You don’t need to rush as we’re all in lockdown. Spend this time reading up and writing it all down. You can definitely take him off the mortgage. Is there equity in the house? How much are the mortgage payments? This is all info to write down so you can give it to the solicitor