Separate finances: am I getting a good deal or a bad deal?

[Anxious2020]

Hi, this keeps playing on my mind about finances. I am not sure if I am getting a good deal and should quit moaning or if I am right as something doesn’t feel right.

My dp probably earns about 36k, not one hundred percent sure as he doesn’t tell me, but that’s what I can make out from his excel sheet on the pc. I earn 6k per year part time and do all childcare. He pays mortgage, utility bills, food, his car and petrol and phone and his clothes and family holiday once per year. I pay for my car and petrol and phone, my clothes, kids clothes, school uniform, activities like swimming and music lessons dance lessons, school trips, food when eating out and takeaways, toiletries, hair cuts, days out, kids pocket money and a bit in their trust funds each month, and a course relating to my job to help me get a better job when kids are older. And I pay for all birthday presents and Christmas presents for kids, him, my family and his family, he pays for mine. And I pay for birthday parties. Dress up days, craft supplies etc. I have nothing left at the end of the month, well that’s a lie £50 which I spend on getting my hair dyed, the odd item of clothes and makeup/toiletries. From what I can work out he has about £1000 spare a month, but all of this goes on debt repayments because he secretly gambles and also buys cars that he cannot afford so takes loans out for £500 a month. Part of me feels like I am getting a good deal as he covers mortgage utility bills and food. But the other half of me is stressed as I feel we should have joint finances we would be better off and could save, instead he wastes his spare money and I feel like I work every second the kids are at school to provide them with the necessities. But when I talk to him he says my job pays for the “luxuries” and his the important bills so we could easily do without my job it’s just extra pocket money. But I have had 6 months of work before when our daughter was seriously ill and I was having to ask him to buy school uniform and birthday presents etc and he said he can’t afford these things and I need to get another job ASAP. I’m confused as he thinks I expect to be a pampered princess with him paying for everything? But I’m confused as I don’t feel like that I feel like I’m struggling while he wastes money. I spoke to him again about it last night and he said I should work more hours then and ask my parents to do the afternoon school run (my parents are 70).

He wants to keep the property so he can secure his debts against it.

You need legal advice; it may be very difficult to resolve this during lockdown, I presume he is going to his nursing job every evening? Maybe make some phone calls when he is asleep. But you need support to get this sorted out.

He’s had affairs in the past too, one that I know of but have suspicions of others. Nothing recently though this was after our first daughter was born. He’s always at work or asleep now. He blamed me for lack of affection but looking back I don’t actually feel loved and the last couple of years all affection has gone out of the window from my point of view I just don’t feel loved at all

I can make phone calls while he is asleep in the day, after a night shift he is in a deep sleep

I’ve been doing telephone CBT through the nhs after I went to the gp feeling depressed about the relationship. I’m finding it hard to put in practise though towards the relationship

Sometimes everything just feels hopeless

I think part of that is I feel all my energy has gone

Oh OP, this sounds more and more abusive the more you say.
I can guarantee that the relationship is giving you this anxiety.
It's not hopeless, you don't have to live like this.
I'm not surprised your energy has gone.
Can you confide in your GP about what's happening and they can put you in touch with agencies that can help?

This sounds like a horrible thing to be going through OP.

Racking up 40k in debt in 4 years is insane...and you need to check he hasn't secured that debt against the house as whilst there may be equity, there won't be if he has secured loans and keeps adding £10k a year to the debt pot.

1. Find his payslips and get copies
2. Same for all bank statements
3. Dig as much as you can on where his debt is - if he's not telling you/hiding debt then I can guarantee they'll be more
4. Check your credit rating - sometimes when you're linked financially through a mortgage, for example, if he's racking up debt then it may impact yours
5. Once you've got everything in order, you need to seek legal advice on what you'd be entitled to if you split

If you put the debt aside, overall, the picture I'm getting from your posts is that he's never been very open or committed or particularly nice to you. Only letting you move in when you fell pregnant? Affairs after you've had a baby? Not being open about finances despite having children and a mortgage together? Together 20 years but you still have no say in what he spends money on I.e. expensive cars despite this possibly having an impact on the quality of life his children have? You should be a team but he's having a huge effect on your mental health and doing nothing to help mitigate that as it doesn't suit what he wants to do.

I'm sure this has been said already. But no he doesn't get to pay the mortgage instead of child support. Otherwise you aren't getting any child support. He is just paying into the investment of the house.

When you can, get legal advice. I had 1 hour free to start with. We weren't married. I worked out half the equity in the house ( after deductions what the costs would be for a sale) and offered to buy my ex out.

Cms for child support 2 children you will get 16% of his salary before tax/ni but after pension contribution.

Look into benefits. Turn2us website. You might not get much but they can cover up to 85% of your child care costs so you can work more hours.

The house. Money/cms and contact are all separate things and need to be kept that way.

You need to untangle yourself financially from him as soon as you can. So that you future proof for yourself. Not in his best interests.

Gather any information you can about the house. Mortgage. Debts and pay slips. Get yourself organise. Your future self will thank you for it.

If that is his debt level your house could be in trouble anyway.
Could your parents buy him out?
He sounds like a catch and you sound lovely! You are doing it all on your own anyway, ltb and be happy

If he's in that much debt I too would worry that he's secured debt against the house. Which may well be why he wants to maintain the status quo in terms of mortgage payments etc.

I don't think you can trust a word that comes out of his mouth OP.

Have a dig around for payslips when he's next at work. Copy financial info. I do think you're probably stuck where you are until lockdown is over unless you all wholesale move back to your parents. But lay your plans.

And remember, when it comes to divorce/separation: you don't have to accept what he offers just because he offers it. It isn't up to him.

I came back and was so happy to read you do own half the house!
That’s a nest egg you can restart your life with.
Definitely get legal advice as others have said.
And the he will pay mortgage instead of CMS may very well be a bad deal. Don’t make any agreements until you’ve had legal advice.

So sorry you’re going through this OP. I agree with the other posters that you should do as much as you can to leave when you’re ready. We’re on lockdown but leaving an abusive situation is a legitimate reason to leave - the police have said so. However, staying might be better until you’ve at least had legal advice.

Can you see if a lawyer will do a free consultation over a video call?

Watch him trying to say all his money is going to the mortgage. You aren’t married so he’s trying to say he owns a greater share of the property. Without marital rights a judge won’t fix it if he succeeds.