Is this emotional abuse?

[p3achnation]

Hi,

I'm unsure if my partner is emotionally abusive towards me or if this is normal behavior / I'm overreacting.

Some advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm at a lose end, doubting myself and unsure how to move forward.

So my partner is very obsessed with money. He earns double what I earn, has a company car all expenses paid including fuel. I currently work part time, I'm not earning a great deal of money just enough to get by pay my bills, pay for my car and ensure our LO has everything she needs.

My partner is always on at me at how I can't save money and that because we won't be 'moving out anytime soon' to a nicer and bigger out due to the fact that I can't save. He's constantly putting me down about money and I feel like I have to account for every penny I send even though it's my own money. All of my saving were spent when we moved out and had our LO.

He says that I must be the only person of my age who has no savings. We are decorating the house and He makes me pay for things as well as him even though I'm so broke and sometimes have to pay for those things on my credit card. Baring in mind I earn a fraction of what he does.

He's always on at me about where my money goes. He nearly had me in tears this morning as he was on at me saying I need to grow up and save some money. It's like he's trying to make me feel bad that he has to pay to decorate the house (it's his house that he has brought I'm not on the mortgage) he asks me to go half's on things for the house decorating wise, I pay for what I can despite making myself absolutely broke.

I don't know if this is normal behavior ?

It's not normal. Your partner should treat you with kindness, love and respect and he's doing the complete opposite. It's not ok. Hugs x

Fuck no!
It's not normal at all.
Please consider leaving this man.
He's a nasty piece of work.
I think you would be much much better off, financially and emotionally on your own.
You would get universal credits.
You would get child maintenance from him.
Maybe housing benefit as part of your UC.
Please look into it. CAB can help or you can look on-line at the entitledto website! Also look at what he would need to pay THIS WEBSITE
You cannot keep living like this.
It's messing with your mental health.
It's not your house at all so stop contributing to his decorating of HIS house.
That's down to him.
Please get away as soon as you can.
Do you have any family you could go to?
Things are shit enough at the moment without having the person who is supposed to love and support you making you feeling so shite that you end up crying.
GET OUT - FAST!!!
A call to Womens Aid may help you see this for what it is.
Emotional and financial abuse!!!!

If you break up and sell will he give you half? No because it’s not in your name, so why does he expect you to pay for half of everything? There is a huge imbalance in this relationship. He’s a tight git. What are his good qualities?

As hellsbellsmelons has written, this is indeed not normal behaviour.

Apart from being emotionally abused you are being financially abused also. This is not a relationship you should at all be in now. Please seek help from the likes of Womens Aid to plan your exit from this so called relationship.

Hi,

Thanks for your replies. I'm actually shocked because I thought this was totally normal! Maybe because I've put up with it for so I long.

It's so hard because I suffer with poor mental health anyway, have a young child to look after and currently work on the NHS frontline so stress levels are high.

I'm now doubting myself, thinking is or isn't this normal. I know your all saying it's not but there's something telling me maybe this is normal?! Maybe because like I mentioned I've put up with it for so long. I so want to leave but because money is tight and feeling guilty towards my daughter, I feel so trapped.
Xx

No it isn't normal. Far from it. He sounds like a nasty controlling abusive piece of work. Why on earth would you be paying to do up a house that you have no financial interest in?? And that's leaving aside his attitude towards you which is just vile and disrespectful.

I think you need to ask yourself if you would want this kind of relationship for your daughter when she's older? How would you feel if she described being treated like this?

I'm not saying that to get at you OP, but hopefully it will help the penny to drop that you're in an abusive and controlling relationship. Start thinking about how you can remove you and your daughter from this.

Look at the www.entitledto.co.uk website to work out your finances if you were a single parent. Do you have any real life support like friends or family you can talk to?

Do not put up with this any longer; make plans to move out asap. Leaving due to domestic abuse in lockdown situations is permitted and in your case advisable. He targeted you and deliberately so because of your own poor boundaries and mental health issues. He is the root cause of all your unhappiness now. How old were you btw when you met?.

Please recognise that this is not normal at all; what you are describing here is abuse and such men do not change. They also hate women, all of them.

What is telling you that this is normal; you have basically become ground down by this and otherwise inured to his abuses of you and in turn your child. Your own mental health has and will continue to be affected by this man as long as you and he are together.

Would you want your daughter as an adult to live with such a man?. Hell he even ahs you paying for fixtures and fittings in a property you have no part of. You're not named on the mortgage and that was a deliberate decision of his too. He sees you as merely someone to serve his every whim and fancy; he despises your very being.

Did that for a game of soldiers. Life is too short op.
If he genuinely loved and cared for you he'd not treat you like this, he'd not want to see you go without whilst spending it all on himself. You have a child together ffs. It's just wrong in so many levels.

Definitely not normal. Me and my DH earn pretty much the same but there is no division of "his money" and "my money".... everything is OUR money.
I think it would be exhausting trying to work out who owes what for every little expense.
For example when we were saving for a house my husband was paying 100% of the mortgage for the apartment we were living in so he didn't have much savings... so I saved the entire 20% deposit for the new house out of my earnings. I couldn't be with someone who was as obsessed with money as your DP sounds.

Have you discussed who will pay for childcare when your DD is older.

You’re with a Class A bastard.

I assume you are also doing all childcare? And there are no childcare costs? So you're earning a small amount of money while saving the family a fortune on childcare costs but he sees your contribution as being non existent? And refuses to put you on the mortgage but wants you to pay for stuff?

No no no. This is NOT right. Leave or change things. But please don't let him tell you that you're the problem.

I had the script from 2 ex partners. When I spilt in 2017 I went back to work full time. It was hard but I called the shots. I will never go back x

Not normal.

Financial abuse.

You are living with a nasty bully.

Protect yourself.

Not normal at all. My ex used to say I never had any cash (when I was a sahm looking after our 4 kids and home etc) and he was right. Because despite earning over £100k (we live in a cheap area of the UK) and having lots of disposable income, he would give me just enough to cover the bills I needed to, so had very little spare. He isn't a spender but would buy a car or similar without needing to consult me, whereas if I needed something for the kids or home that was a bit outside my budget, I had to ask him.

It's very demeaning and much prefer things now. I'm working, have my own house and have full control of my finances. I also don't have to look after a grown man and pander to him.

It. Is. Not. Normal

Thanks again for the replies.

We've been together since we were 16. He wasn't like this until we moved in together and had LO 3 years ago.

It's strange seeing outsiders opinions because to me it's just so normal!

I have family to support me but I don't want to trouble them with my problems especially in the current climate.

I'm going to check out women's aid and the other sites that some of you have recommended. I need a exit strategy and fast, especially now our summer holiday won't be going ahead as I was going to try and wait until after that.

I feel physically and emotionally drained. Everything is always my fault

No, not normal.
I have always earned a fraction of what my DH earns but my name is on the deeds of our house, I'm not expected to contribute to large purchases, white goods etc. We have separate accounts just because we' ve never got round to setting up a joint one but I always have access to his because he trusts and respects me. My money goes into the pot too and buys shopping, petrol, holidays, bits and pieces that I want for myself and such. I dont contribute to savings due to having nothing left at the end of the month, but money we have put are still 'our' savings it's never been an issue for us.
What you're experiencing is financial abuse

Please, please believe this is not normal and you deserve so much better. I know how it feels to believe everything is your fault and how huge the relief is once you're away from the situation. You can do this, the support is out there x

Following. In a similar situation.

This being financial abuse has never crossed my mind until I posted this thread.

Like I said in my original post, I work part time and we pay equal amounts for childcare costs and I look after our LO whilst I'm not working.

I don't know where to start in getting help. I desperately want to leave, I feel like I'm never going to be able to get out.

You say "I so want to leave but because money is tight and feeling guilty towards my daughter, I feel so trapped."
But your partner has done this to you deliberately. He is bleeding you of money in order to keep you under his control.
It's abusive but you have taken the first step by questioning it and analysing the situation. Keep going.

Why are you paying for everything for your little one?
This is awful.

Fifty fifty would be fine if you earned the same but considering you don't, he shouldnt begrudge paying a bit more. Unless he helps facilitate you in finding and working a new full time job. You cant berate someone for being skint if they are at home raising your child. He isn't a nice person.

I bet this isnt the only issue with him. He is all about 'me and mine' and you can't have a partnership with someone like that.

As PP have said - you are being emotionally and financially abused. This is not normal. Your partner should treat you kindly and supportively. Most couples annoy each other and argue from time to time, but this constant nasty sniping at you and demeaning you about money is unacceptable and will also be having a detrimental affect on your LO because it's upsetting you and no doubt creating an atmosphere in the house. Also, he's clearly failing to value what you contribute by looking after your LO when you're not at work - first of all, that will be saving on at least some of the childcare costs which you would otherwise have, plus you are carrying out the incredibly important work of raising the little person whom you have created together. You will probably find your MH improves when you don't have him sniping at you constantly.

You will be able to get out. There are countless threads on MN of women escaping abusive partners. But it probably seems overwhelming to think about the whole process in one go. So take it step by step. Don't tell him what you're doing. He is abusive and he may become physically violent if he realises you are leaving. Plan carefully.

The article at this link has some very practical advice about steps to take as you are planning to leave: www.marriage.com/advice/separation/thinking-about-leaving-your-husband/

Speak to your family if you can - you will need their support as you go through this.

Bear in mind that you are allowed to leave your home to escape domestic abuse despite the lockdown - the government has made very clear that you may leave in those circumstances.

Also if you start to feel physically unsafe, call the police.