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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this emotional abuse?

93 replies

p3achnation · 17/04/2020 09:22

Hi,

I'm unsure if my partner is emotionally abusive towards me or if this is normal behavior / I'm overreacting.

Some advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm at a lose end, doubting myself and unsure how to move forward.

So my partner is very obsessed with money. He earns double what I earn, has a company car all expenses paid including fuel. I currently work part time, I'm not earning a great deal of money just enough to get by pay my bills, pay for my car and ensure our LO has everything she needs.

My partner is always on at me at how I can't save money and that because we won't be 'moving out anytime soon' to a nicer and bigger out due to the fact that I can't save. He's constantly putting me down about money and I feel like I have to account for every penny I send even though it's my own money. All of my saving were spent when we moved out and had our LO.

He says that I must be the only person of my age who has no savings. We are decorating the house and He makes me pay for things as well as him even though I'm so broke and sometimes have to pay for those things on my credit card. Baring in mind I earn a fraction of what he does.

He's always on at me about where my money goes. He nearly had me in tears this morning as he was on at me saying I need to grow up and save some money. It's like he's trying to make me feel bad that he has to pay to decorate the house (it's his house that he has brought I'm not on the mortgage) he asks me to go half's on things for the house decorating wise, I pay for what I can despite making myself absolutely broke.

I don't know if this is normal behavior ?

OP posts:
Original poster
p3achnation · 18/04/2020 12:42

Hollowtalk I don't contribute towards the mortgage he pays that. I don't know if that makes him think that he's entitled to make me pay for everything else despite earning a lot less. It's confusing

OP posts:
longtimecomin · 18/04/2020 12:42

He's abusive, get out now!!!

Cloudyapples · 18/04/2020 12:45

If you aren’t on the mortgage and aren’t married then you have no claim to the house so stop paying for things for it and tell him that as it’s HIS house HE can pay for it.

Original poster
p3achnation · 18/04/2020 12:53

If I do that he'll just come back with 'well no it's our house, when we do move out the money will be used towards a new house for us' he says then I will be on the mortgage if we got a new house that I put money towards, he's actually asked me to borrow money from my family members so we can buy a new house which I would be on the mortgage for x

OP posts:
longtimecomin · 18/04/2020 12:53

And I don't have any savings and I earn £60k per year, I'm crap with money. Thanks

Meadows89 · 18/04/2020 12:58

And you go back and explain 'if it's my house as well, let's arrange to get my name on the mortgage/deeds as well and sit down and go through what would be fair to contribute as right now, I'm being left with nothing and you've got spare money as you earn a lot more'

Call his bluff.

Meadows89 · 18/04/2020 13:12

Just to add to what I've just said - don't feel obligated to confront him if you feel he's going to bully you into submission. You really don't need the added stress.

I think speaking to your parents later will help. Also do you know how much he earns and how much all the bills come to? That might help you figure out whether there's an fair split in your contributions.

Good luck Thanks

Redrosesandsunsets · 18/04/2020 13:19

It’s abusive and your normal. My guess is you have seen this in your family - patterns of dysfunction. We out you with being treated poorly and don’t feel we have the right to say no or have boundaries. You just can’t see it. And he talks you you and feeds you lines and demands and you say yes. You are used to dysfunction. You only get out of it it when you see it. Healing doesn’t come till you get out. That’s the reason you need to get out - this will keep happening and he won’t accept you changing and growing. It’s time to go. By the way lots of people live like this and think it’s normal, or they don’t want to lose what they have - house, car, whatever - so they stay.

Anxious2020 · 19/04/2020 10:30

p3achnation how are you doing? X

Original poster
p3achnation · 19/04/2020 17:40

I'm doing ok thanks, just trying to keep busy. Hopefully going to get some house viewings lined up this week. I'm not going to tell my partner anything until I've got a plan in place x

OP posts:
Anxious2020 · 19/04/2020 18:56

That’s good, I have sent you a PM x

nepptune · 20/04/2020 09:42

I earn over double what my DP earns. Her and I moved in together a few months ago. She was adamant about paying 50% of the cost of our household. It took a while for her her to agree, but I pay 80%. She hasn't been in a position where she can put money away, or spend it on things she likes... now I am glad that she is able to do that. I don't think it's fair that you have to pay 50%, and I certainly do think it is abusive.

Original poster
p3achnation · 20/04/2020 19:46

So today I've been doubting myself today. He's actually been ok today so now I'm thinking is this the right thing to do?! I have a viewing booked for tomorrow, so I need to find an excuse of where I'll be going. I'm now worried about how me leaving is going to affect him and his life. Am I overthinking ?! X

OP posts:
Original poster
p3achnation · 20/04/2020 19:46

I also feel bad because he's oblivious and has no idea what's coming ..

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/04/2020 19:52

He wants you broke and completely dependent on him...

The lies about borrowing money from your relatives and them he'll put you on the mortgage. You should be on the deeds for your current home.

Paying 50:50 for childcare when you only work part time...

This is who he is, a controlling bully.

Original poster
p3achnation · 20/04/2020 20:14

I just don't understand why someone would want to do this to the mother of their child. I just feel stupid because it's taken me so long to see the situation for what it really is 😔

OP posts:
RandomMess · 20/04/2020 20:16

You aren't stupid, he wasn't always like this was he? It happened slowly over time.

Be kind to yourself Thanks

Original poster
p3achnation · 21/04/2020 14:58

Hi all, sorry to keep posting and dragging this out. I have my viewing later and I'm so so scared because I'm lying about where I'm going. I'm starting to feel really guilty and bad about what I'm planning to do. I know it's what I want, to leave him but there's something making me feel guilty?! When I've got everything in place to leave how do I explain to him what's going on especially as he's been ok the last few days it's just going to make me look like the bad person here for leaving.

OP posts:
firebrand123 · 21/04/2020 15:24

Honestly, you've kind of got to just say fuck him. Fuck what he thinks. You need to look after yourself. The things you're saying are exactly the reasons I've stayed in abusive relationships in the past, I've always felt guilty, like I'm doing something wrong by protecting myself. This is what his type of abuse does, it manipulates and gaslights and makes us incapable of trusting ourselves.

Just try one step at a time. Go for the viewing, that's all you need to do. You're doing nothing wrong xx

hellsbellsmelons · 21/04/2020 15:26

how do I explain to him what's going on especially as he's been ok the last few days
'You've been abusing me emotionally and financially and I have lost any love for you so I am leaving.
A couple of good days does not cancel out everything you have done to me.
You are not in my future.
Goodbye!'
Job done OP!
Please don't feel guilty.
We understand why you do.
He is in your head.

But you can do this.
Good luck with the viewing.
I hope it's great and you can escape to a lovely life away from him and his abuse!
You got this!!!!

RandomMess · 21/04/2020 15:33

You can simply say "I just don't love or like you anymore"

Thanks
chillikor · 21/04/2020 15:48

If you broke up you'd have an interest in the property so you would be entitled to a share.

I am actually going to be devil's advocate. It is his money... you aren't married, he has every right to have his own money. Just because some people share all money doesn't mean you have to.

However, does he contribute for your child equally?
Is your lesser income also due to childcare?

I think more info helps!

Davespecifico · 21/04/2020 15:57

Don’t feel bad or scared. He’s left you feeling bad, guilty, worried about money endlessly without a moments care for your feelings. In fact, when you’ve expressed your feelings, he’s taken that as a signal to knock you down again.
Do stick with the viewing. Tell him you’re going out for exercise.
You will regain a feeling of power in this situation if you coolly and methodically work towards an exit without allowing him to see what you’re doing. Keep your interactions as they ever were so that he doesn’t suspect. Anything he gets to know is power ceded to him.
Be prepared for all the things he’ll say once he knows you’re going/gone. He is likely to hammer you emotionally and you need to be ready for that and strong in the face of it.

firebrand123 · 21/04/2020 16:00

@chillikor You said It is his money... you aren't married, he has every right to have his own money. Just because some people share all money doesn't mean you have to.

That's not what this is about. OP isn't trying to get him to share his money, he's demanding she spend more than she's able, running her into the ground financially and belittling her.

chillikor · 21/04/2020 16:24

@firebrand I think there is an element of frustration from the man's side though. He sees her as flitting away her money leaving them with nothing for joint activities.

We don't know the real truth of her finances, maybe OP does have a history of being bad with money.

I completely agree that the man is rude but we also should understand where it's come from.
I don't necessarily think we can say he is financially abusive. There's two sides to every story.

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