Is this emotional abuse?

[p3achnation]

Hi,

I'm unsure if my partner is emotionally abusive towards me or if this is normal behavior / I'm overreacting.

Some advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm at a lose end, doubting myself and unsure how to move forward.

So my partner is very obsessed with money. He earns double what I earn, has a company car all expenses paid including fuel. I currently work part time, I'm not earning a great deal of money just enough to get by pay my bills, pay for my car and ensure our LO has everything she needs.

My partner is always on at me at how I can't save money and that because we won't be 'moving out anytime soon' to a nicer and bigger out due to the fact that I can't save. He's constantly putting me down about money and I feel like I have to account for every penny I send even though it's my own money. All of my saving were spent when we moved out and had our LO.

He says that I must be the only person of my age who has no savings. We are decorating the house and He makes me pay for things as well as him even though I'm so broke and sometimes have to pay for those things on my credit card. Baring in mind I earn a fraction of what he does.

He's always on at me about where my money goes. He nearly had me in tears this morning as he was on at me saying I need to grow up and save some money. It's like he's trying to make me feel bad that he has to pay to decorate the house (it's his house that he has brought I'm not on the mortgage) he asks me to go half's on things for the house decorating wise, I pay for what I can despite making myself absolutely broke.

I don't know if this is normal behavior ?

@chillikor I hear where you're coming from, I do. I think at the very least he's treating her poorly in constantly berating her for not having savings, etc. There comes a point in a relationship where you have to realise you're not supposed to be parenting your OH. It's not ok to make someone feel shitty on a regular basis, IMO. If he can't accept the way she is (if we assume this isn't abuse) then they're better off apart anyway, surely, as they're completely misaligned on this?

It's called the 'cycle of abuse' op. They flit between nasty and perfectly nice to make you feel exactly how you do: Guilty for thinking bad of them or like you are somehow overreacting for thinking their behaviour is unacceptable. It is psychological warfare.

His behaviour is unacceptable. We can all see it too so you dont have to doubt it.

There is no good and bad him. There is only the bad him and the acting him. He is not redeemable just because he can act the nice guy from time to time. Don't be tricked any longer.

@p3achnation.... Your partner is financially exploiting you, the mother of his child. This is the stark truth, never mind that he has been "okay " the past few days.

You don't actually have to go into details as to why you want to end it. He'd only twist your explanations and gaslight you. You are agonising about the relationship and worry about how your actions affect him - while he remains cold and rational, totally focused on his own interest, never giving any consideration to you and what might be fair to you.

You have to focus on your own self-interest and look after yourself. Because no one else will, least of all him.

Thanks for your replies.

@chillikor I admit I'm not the best with money, especially at the moment as I'm working part time also looking after our child. I would work full time if I was able but I'm not.

But I definitely do not flitter money away :)

I admit I'm not the best with money, especially at the moment as I'm working part time

Working part time doesn't make you bad with money either - it limits you but by the sounds of it you manage well considering you're paying 50% childcare when you're the one working PT :)

And @chillikor, this is about fairness and equality in a relationship and clearly that is not happening. I'm the breadwinner and I certainly wouldn't expect my OH to pay the same in as me nor did he expect me to pay for renovations on his house when it was solely in his name. OP works part time and he earns double yet she's expected to pay towards renovations on a house that she doesn't have any financial tie to or benefit if it was sold? I don't think that's financially fair and therefore, the constant commentary and judgement on OPs lack of savings when she's clearly explained she can't afford to pay towards his house, is very much financial abuse I'm afraid.

@Meadows20 my job literally covers all of my bills, car, petrol etc including what I put into our joint account each month and I'm literally left with nothing. Anything I do have left I feel like I'm expected to contribute towards decorating etc. if I say know he'll just ask what I've spent all of my money on. It's like he doesn't understand that my current earnings only just cover my bills x

@p3achnation I thinks that's the biggest issue...you've explained, you're covering what you've agreed to cover jointly yet that's still not good enough?

Have you asked him what he wants you to do? Has he asked you to go back to work full time? I'm thinking, does he not understand how expensive cars are as you've mentioned that he has a company car which he doesn't pay for? Whatever the case may be, you really shouldn't have to justify him where the rest of your money is going when your covering the bills agreed - and I know I've said, don't be paying for decorating bits for a house your name is not on.

Are you paying half the bills? If so then you are subsidising him.

It doesn't even sound like he mays for half of your DDs needs...

Op this isn't right. I own my home and dp has no stake in it. We're not married and I earn a bit more than himas he's self employed. He pays for none of the decorating or upkeep, zero, as not his house to upkeep. He pays for his kids stuff and I pay for our child's stuff 90% of the time as I earn more and get the child benefit.
I however get extremely frustrated he dosnt save anything ever. He has virtually no living costs apart from bills, his car and food but saves literally zero and runs up credit card debt. Its expectionally frustrating.
He calls me money bags often. Which I find offence. I save regularly and spend them money on our home eg new carpet or kitchen or garden equipment for our child.

If what your syng is the case. I'd say I will save and not Co tribute to a house idontown. Then save the improvements money and let h get on with it.

Sorry typos!!! Don't contribute to house repairs. Save that money. Insist on halfgorjoint childcosts.
Have you shown your living costs? Maybe he's a bit slow on the uptake and dosnt understand you have less disposible income

He knows exactly how much I earn each month, I have no idea how much he actually has although I do have an idea.

@OhamIreally yes we pay the same amount towards bills each month

All I know is that it is a lot more than me

That's wierd. My dp dosnt pay anything towards house. Half bills Inc 2 half days of nursery are 350 a month. Leaving him a lot spare.
You need to. Address this with him. Get a spreadsheet and go through all bills and income

Did you go to the viewing today?. I hope you were able to do this.

He is not your friend here let alone any sort of partner to you and this person’s aim is to keep you penniless and without a voice.

Please realise here it is not you, but him. Abuse like you describe and you are being financially and emotionally abused by him here, is indeed insidious in its onset and does creep up on people unawares. Such people too can be and are also quite plausible to those in the outside world, it is only behind closed doors that their true nature emerges.

He is quite happy to keep OP in the hole he has partially dug for her. There will be no discussion on his part, what he says goes in his house. such abusive men too never want to share.

@AttilaTheMeerkat you are right, thank you for your support ❤️

The house I viewed earlier wasn't great to be fair. I'm going to keep an eye out and hopefully something will come up soon x