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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is this emotional abuse?

93 replies

p3achnation · 17/04/2020 09:22

Hi,

I'm unsure if my partner is emotionally abusive towards me or if this is normal behavior / I'm overreacting.

Some advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm at a lose end, doubting myself and unsure how to move forward.

So my partner is very obsessed with money. He earns double what I earn, has a company car all expenses paid including fuel. I currently work part time, I'm not earning a great deal of money just enough to get by pay my bills, pay for my car and ensure our LO has everything she needs.

My partner is always on at me at how I can't save money and that because we won't be 'moving out anytime soon' to a nicer and bigger out due to the fact that I can't save. He's constantly putting me down about money and I feel like I have to account for every penny I send even though it's my own money. All of my saving were spent when we moved out and had our LO.

He says that I must be the only person of my age who has no savings. We are decorating the house and He makes me pay for things as well as him even though I'm so broke and sometimes have to pay for those things on my credit card. Baring in mind I earn a fraction of what he does.

He's always on at me about where my money goes. He nearly had me in tears this morning as he was on at me saying I need to grow up and save some money. It's like he's trying to make me feel bad that he has to pay to decorate the house (it's his house that he has brought I'm not on the mortgage) he asks me to go half's on things for the house decorating wise, I pay for what I can despite making myself absolutely broke.

I don't know if this is normal behavior ?

OP posts:
Original poster
p3achnation · 17/04/2020 21:06

It's just so scary because we've been together for 8 and I know no different and this is my routine. I'm so scared to take that leap. X

OP posts:
Original poster
p3achnation · 17/04/2020 21:07

*8 years

OP posts:
Original poster
p3achnation · 17/04/2020 21:08

Also when we broke up briefly before he demanded he had our LO 2 nights in the week and every weekend. He went back to his mums and I stayed in his house. I don't know why I went back I feel so stupid

OP posts:
Wanderlust21 · 17/04/2020 21:15

Reach out for all the support you can.
Find out what benefits you will be entitled to and make sure your friends and family (those who are not currently out of the same cloth as your husband - as unfortunately when there is one shitehead in our life, we often realise there are more too) know what has been going on. Tell people (you can trust). Womens aid can be called. Dont be slow to google or use youtube, for other womens stories. Melanie tonia Evan's does good youtube videos on her struggles with narcissistic abusers which might be worth a look (dont let him see these and never call him a narcissist as if be is, he will use it/ turn it round on you sonehow).

It'll be tough going for a bit. But you have a whole life ahead of you. Make it a happy one.

Wanderlust21 · 17/04/2020 21:15

*cut out of the same cloth

NoMoreDickheads · 17/04/2020 21:17

It's bullying. Don't pay for things you can't afford. I know it's sounds easy but just say no, you can't. And most people on a low wage don't have savings- that would be impossible. xxx

Meadows89 · 17/04/2020 21:31

Sorry to say this OP, but no, your situation is not the norm and it does sound very much like emotional/financial abuse.

When my OH bought his house, as it was his savings not mine and we'd never lived together before, we mutually agreed that he'd buy it on his own and we would review where we were in two years. I did not pay for any renovations/decorating costs - it wasn't my house and if things did go to shit, he would have got the financial benefit not me. I paid towards bills but that was it until we got a joint mortgage together. We now have a joint account and have sat down to figure out what each of us need to put in there to ensure everything is covered as well as make sure we each have an equal amount left in our own accounts each month to spend on ourselves - everything is fair and we worked it out together.

Sorry for the personal question but is there any reason why you're not on the deeds? Especially since you've been together for 8 years and have a child together? This leaves you very financially vulnerable :(

popsydoodle4444 · 17/04/2020 22:16

@p3achnation

The 2 nights plus the weekend was so he could get out of paying maintenance.The staying with his mum was probably so his mum could look after your LO for him and probably do his cooking and cleaning.

Oh he's definitely thought about that.Id be very careful if I was you.He sounds very coercive.

LouiseCollina · 17/04/2020 23:25

Popsy is right. If you leave again (which I hope you do, and stay gone this time) make sure he has your LO no more than two nights a week. Every other weekend would be ideal though. You deserve some time too with your baby when you’re not exhausted after work.

Please get away from this man. He’s abusive, coercive and a straight-up cunt.

Original poster
p3achnation · 18/04/2020 07:23

Popsydoodle4444 thinking about it now you are absolutely right.

I'm working today, I'm going to try to finish early and go to my parents to figure of what I'm going to do. Thank you so much for your kind, helpful advice everyone. You've helped me more than you'll ever know all of you x

OP posts:
Anxious2020 · 18/04/2020 07:50

Good luck p3achnation xxx

FlowerArranger · 18/04/2020 08:02

We've been together since we were 16.

Sigh. Why doesn't this surprise me. He has moulded you to be the wifey he wanted. Without actually marrying you. And, by not having you on the deeds but forcing you to contribute half of everything, he is feathering his own nest for when you break up, as you inevitability will, sooner or later. (What would be normal, @p3achnation, would be that each partner contributes in line with their earnings.)

As is evident from your trial separation, he'll also try to get out of paying maintenance by insisting on 50:50 custody - while no doubt having his mother to all the heavy lifting as far as childcare is concerned. Once you leave him, make sure you get a proper custody agreement and pursue the child support payments he'll no doubt try to wriggle out of.

So, to summarise:
He has groomed you.
He is telling you that black is white.
He is bullying you and abusing you emotionally.
He is financially abusing you.
He thinks he is cleverer than you. But you know different!

It's good that you seem determined to leave him as once this hurdle has been overcome, it is so much easier to focus on the practicalities. Can your parents help, either through short-term financial support or by putting you up?

Start by running the UC calculator to check on your entitlements. I believe the CAB has a guide on how to become a single parent. Then there are Gingerbread and Shelter. Doing the Freedom Programme will help you get stronger and see things more clearly.

So many women have done this and came out smiling. I'm sure you can too. You are still very young and strong - you WILL thrive! Flowers

maras2 · 18/04/2020 08:03

I'm pleased that you'll be speaking to your parents.
I'd be quite upset if this was happening to our adult daughter and she didn't confide in us.
Best of luck.Mx.

TwilightPeace · 18/04/2020 08:05

Good luck OP, so glad you can see his behaviour is abusive. Once you realise that, you can’t unsee it.
Becoming abusive during pregnancy is unfortunately quite common.

You can build a good life for yourself.

Modestandatinybitsexy · 18/04/2020 08:47

Paying equally would be a percentage reflecting your incomes towards bills and childcare and him paying anything for the house. He's getting a lot more out of this arrangement than he's putting in. I bet you do all the housework and wifework too. Glad you're making plans to get away.

category12 · 18/04/2020 09:16

When you hopefully leave, don't agree to his demands about access. Every weekend is totally unfair. Offer reasonable fair access, such as alternate weekends and a night in the week. You do not have to give him what he wants.

He is financially and emotionally abusing you.

fuckoffImcounting · 18/04/2020 12:05

Good luck OP. That man is total fucking scum.

Original poster
p3achnation · 18/04/2020 12:11

I'm scared of what he might say when I tell him I'm going to leave, I'm going to get everything in place before I tell him. He'll most likely try and demand what he wants in regards to childcare but I'll have to cross that bridge when it comes to it. How do I stop him if he isn't giving me a choice in regards to how we are going to split childcare?

OP posts:
category12 · 18/04/2020 12:17

You have equal say in access agreements. He doesn't get to dictate what happens. You offer reasonable access. If he's not happy with it, you can go to mediation, and if that doesn't resolve it, he can take you to court. But if what you're offering is reasonable, he's not going to get far. You might want to get some legal advice and support from domestic abuse support services to help you see your way through.

crystalize · 18/04/2020 12:24

You don't need to tell him you're leaving. Just go. Once you're gone only communicate via email so you have everything on record. There's no point explaining why you left. Ignore his demands he doesn't get to call the shots. Just offer reasonable access as Category says. You'll feel much stronger dealing with this from afar and by email where he can't verbally intimidate you.

HavenDilemma · 18/04/2020 12:25

DO NOT ALLOW HIM 2 NIGHTS & EVERY WEEKEND!!!! That's far too much anyway and unsettling for your son/daughter. A child needs to know where to call home. He needs to realise they're not an object you can timeshare, they're a little person with emotions & feelings.
Besides, he would only be doing it to get out of paying maintenance!!!

HavenDilemma · 18/04/2020 12:27

Oh and also, please don't let him convince you to stay in his house so he can swan off to his Mum's house again! He's only doing to it to get you to continue paying him money AND another reason to get out of paying maintenance! "You're living in my house so I don't owe you anything" whilst getting his Mum to do everything for him!

Very very twisted and slimy

Shamoo · 18/04/2020 12:33

This is definitely financial abuse - I am so glad that posting here has helped you to realise this.

There are plenty of different ways that finances can work in a long term relationship, and what works for different people is different. But at the heart of each of them must be a fair split of costs and a fair share of anything left over, to reflect salary, child cate etc etc. For example I earn a lot more than my partner but we pool all money and pay all bills from that, save from it too, and then each of us is left with the same amount each month for our own things. Other people I know contribute to bills to reflect the % of their income and they are happy with this. So there is no one right way.

But, your situation is definitely wrong. Absolutely unacceptable for you to be paying half of everything while earning so much less, and then being criticised for not having money left. Awful.

Is there any scope to have a discussion with him about it? Have you ever challenged him on it? Or is the nature of your relationship that that wouldn’t be viable / would put you at risk, and therefore leaving is your only option?

HollowTalk · 18/04/2020 12:35

It's a classic case of financial abuse, though he does go one step further (making him a complete bastard) by criticising you for not being able to save, while you are helping pay his mortgage.

He doesn't pay childcare costs when you have the baby at home, does he?

You need to make plans to leave and get child maintenance payments for your baby. If you go to the Entitled To website you will be able to enter your details and see what your finances would look like.

Original poster
p3achnation · 18/04/2020 12:40

Hi Shamoo thanks for your reply. I have challenged him multiple times when he's said about me saving/wanting me to pay for decorating items paint, supplies etc..I've explained to him that i only have 'X' amount of money in my account and I'm still expected to use that money to buy paint for example even though this would mean I'd be left with hardly any money.

It's strange because when I lost my card before he's actually said to me take his card but I said no n that's I'd be ok. Although I don't know if that would mean I'd have to pay him back.

It's just a hard situation. Some aspects I think this is ok and others I feel like it 100% isn't right

OP posts:
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