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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help. Can't keep away from this horrible man

107 replies

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 06:29

I've namechanged for this. I met a guy at work not so long ago, found we had some things in common so started chatting outside work. For the last few months we've chatted almost non stop. At first he was very 'nice' to me.. is the best way I can describe it. He was complimentary, and talked about things we could do after lockdown ends. We would talk into the night (we still do). I suppose, stupidly I thought he genuinely liked me, at least as a friend.

Things turned and became flirty, which became more. I am stupid and I admit that. But we shared images.

We work in the same office and we agreed to keep the chat to a minimum while we're at work and he told me we need to be 'discreet'. I said I thought we were friends and that I didn't care if other colleagues knew we had a friendship.

In the last few weeks things have changed. When you don't see someone in 'real life'its difficult to understand their sense of humour. He told a few 'jokes' which I took the wrong way and I pulled him up on them. For some messed up reason I continued to talk to him.. also continued with the flirty chat.

Recently he's asked me if I've ever been detained for mental health (I was off work with anxiety after we went on lockdown and he knows about this). He said that when he met me he assumed I was 'dull and frigid'. There are more backhanded compliments..

I realise I'm being negged, slut shamed, whatever. But I keep going back for more and more. I feel like the worst has already happened, I've already shared images and I've already been insulted.. so what's the point? I can't change things.

I feel like my colleagues know, even though they don't. I've been very quiet the last few days, and have cried in the toilets a few times

He opened up about having form for sex with colleagues. This really upset me, which was the intention. I overheard him flirting with another colleague and I had to leave early.. as I almost threw up.

It's half an hour before I have to leave for work and I don't know how to get through today.

Please help..

OP posts:
SkaLaLand · 17/04/2020 06:35

Well op, he is abusing you. You know he is. You need to block him on everything and then ignore him completely at work.

Please don't let this go any further

Cheesypea · 17/04/2020 06:40

Please delete him on every platform and tell your friends family and even trusted collegues whats going on. You could even change your number

Ipadipod · 17/04/2020 06:44

Is there an underlying reason that you are accepting this abuse ? Have you been in a previous abusive relationship? You need to block him and seek counselling to understand why you are willing to put up with this sort of treatment.

BrooHaHa · 17/04/2020 06:46

This has the potential to become a much worse situation than it currently is. Block him and delete his number. And remember that work messaging platforms are monitored so do not be tempted to contact him on there.

Wonderland18 · 17/04/2020 06:54

Sounds exactly like a guy my friend met through work.
He would play ridiculous games and make underhanded comments and flirt with everyone. I told her to get out before it starts into something serious. Almost screamed it at her when he bit her lip so hard it bled during a regular kiss.

He ended up physically abusing her for a year and drained her savings...

Please get out, do you have friends or family you can talk to about it? Additional support can help you end it.

Is there anyway you can move jobs or companies? Not that you should ever feel pushed out a role but it might help you stay strong in staying away.

Its illegal for him to share any images of you and if he threatens it the police would follow up.

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 07:02

I snapped at him yesterday in front of another colleague. He said something about how I should be fired (as a 'joke'). It won't be long before people realise something is going on.

I thought about leaving. But there isn't much else to apply for at this time and while my actual role has changed temporarily due to the virus, I want to do the job I applied for when it becomes available again.. so I don't really want to leave.

I just can't deal with this. It's impossible. I know I've made my bed though..

We don't talk on any work platform. But find myself talking to him on my breaks.

I feel like I'll never have a decent relationship. Because of my self esteem.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 07:04

I don't want to end up losing it with him at work, it going to HR or something and me getting the sack. (I'm in my probation period).

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 07:04

Sorry this is so awful. I feel like I'm going to have a panic attack.

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 17/04/2020 07:05

You know what games he is playing, he is enjoying manipulating you. He is emotionally retarded. Stop it all now.

If he uses the pictures against you, call the police and inform your work place as that's illegal. Keep all your texts. Stop your contact with him NOW.

ukgift2016 · 17/04/2020 07:08

Response to your update-

You have the power to end this. Take responsibility for your actions in maintaining contact with a man who has little respect for you. It is time you stopped thinking "woe me, I'm so down" and act in changing your life. No one will do it for you.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 17/04/2020 07:13

This is your anxiety ramping things up in your mind op. I'm sorry you feel this way but try to remember he can't hurt you unless you let him. Block, ignore, detach and distract yourself. Don't react and he'll go away to bully someone else

Wonderland18 · 17/04/2020 07:16

@ukgift2016
I don’t think OP is acting “woe me, I’m so down”
She has mental health issues and is being coerced. That comment is extremely unhelpful and only fuels anxiety. Depression and anxiety can be all consuming.

Op you really can do this, put a stop to it, it will be hard and he will up his game, keep all messages and a log of all interactions incase HR are flagged as they can use this to protect you and have him removed from around you. You can do this Flowers

Goatinthegarden · 17/04/2020 07:17

Agree with two posters above - you can end this.

Chances are, half the workforce already realise what an idiot he is and feel the same. Hold your head high and stay away from him.

CaptSkippy · 17/04/2020 07:20

No, you haven't made your bed and you don't have to accept anything from this asshole.

I agree with previous posters. Block him as much as possible and limit your interactions in the office with him to the bare minimum.
Do talk back when he is anything other than strictly professional with you and call him out on unacceptable comments.

Be "dull and frigid" with him, because that's all he deserves and he knows it.

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 07:45

I appreciate the responses. I don't have anyone I can talk to about this in real life. I feel like my friends would be very disappointed in me if I told them.

We started chatting a lot and flirting when lockdown started, and I feel like I let it continue where I wouldn't normally, as it was a way of escaping the anxiety I had about the lockdown.

I feel like if it all stops then it's just me and the lockdown and I'm going to have to face up to it, which I don't want to do.

I know it's not the end of the world, but I was volunteering outside work which has stopped, and my other hobbies have also stopped for an unknown period. I know I'm not the only one. I just feel so hopeless.

I feel a bit stronger having wrote it all down.

I feel like HR would fire me on the spot but in actual fact, event though I was complicit I still don't deserve abuse.

OP posts:
SkaLaLand · 17/04/2020 07:56

Why would your friends be disappointed op? I would only be worried that you felt that you couldn't come to me for help.

Block this man and reach out to your friends.

dottiedodah · 17/04/2020 07:57

I think you should block him ASAP.Easier said than done I know ,but surely you can chat to friends /family on Facebook or text/phoning whatever .You have done nothing wrong at all ,and are being maninpulated by a nasty piece of work who gets off on having power over you.He obviously has form for this ,and I would be surprised if HR took his side TBH. I would try to avoid him and not engage further .I would think a young woman would be given the benefit of the doubt against an obvious bully/sexual predator TBH!

SavoyCabbage · 17/04/2020 08:02

Your friends won’t be disappointed in you. You are being manipulated. You do need to be proactive here though. You absolutely must stop talking to him.

Do these images you’ve shared have your face in them?

Goatinthegarden · 17/04/2020 08:05

I wouldn’t be disappointed in a friend if they got themselves into this predicament. I’d be more upset if they kept it a secret and struggled on.

He might be distracting you from lockdown, but I’m sure lockdown is a better prospect. You don’t have to feel hopeless about lockdown, you still have work and it sounds like you are getting out of the house and going to work each day. Find something to fill the time your hobbies previously took up (like a new hobby, not texting abusive men).

Own and control this problem.

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 08:05

@SavoyCabbage the images don't have my face in them, so they could be anyone..

OP posts:
Cnoc · 17/04/2020 08:06

Do you also have identifiable naked photographs of him, OP?

Gettingo · 17/04/2020 08:10

It's just a few texts and images. Personally, I wouldn't care if I found out people at work were doing that. As long as they were okay doing their jobs, it's their own business. I'd be astonished if anyone got fired for it.

GoofyLuce · 17/04/2020 08:13

Hi OP

Please stop beating yourself up over this. Yes you've shared some images and that is probably making you feel like you've lost some control...but you haven't.

You're worth so much more than this. This guy is a prick and you know it. This is your time to focus on work and you own wellbeing.

Block this bellend immediately. You'll feel so much better once your back in control.

If he takes this to HR then so be it. You have done nothing wrong so don't be worried about that.

Here if you need to talk anytime!

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 08:25

I've got an identifiable image of him. But he has none of me, unless you take my tattoos into consideration which I keep covered at work anyway.

OP posts:
SavoyCabbage · 17/04/2020 08:41

Well that’s great! People are right, all you’ve done is is shared some messages and pictures. You haven’t robbed a bank or shot a tiger (topical).

You thought he was a good bloke because he was pretending to be. On purpose. To fool you.

Now you can see he’s a massive twat because he’s stopped pretending.

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