Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help. Can't keep away from this horrible man

107 replies

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 06:29

I've namechanged for this. I met a guy at work not so long ago, found we had some things in common so started chatting outside work. For the last few months we've chatted almost non stop. At first he was very 'nice' to me.. is the best way I can describe it. He was complimentary, and talked about things we could do after lockdown ends. We would talk into the night (we still do). I suppose, stupidly I thought he genuinely liked me, at least as a friend.

Things turned and became flirty, which became more. I am stupid and I admit that. But we shared images.

We work in the same office and we agreed to keep the chat to a minimum while we're at work and he told me we need to be 'discreet'. I said I thought we were friends and that I didn't care if other colleagues knew we had a friendship.

In the last few weeks things have changed. When you don't see someone in 'real life'its difficult to understand their sense of humour. He told a few 'jokes' which I took the wrong way and I pulled him up on them. For some messed up reason I continued to talk to him.. also continued with the flirty chat.

Recently he's asked me if I've ever been detained for mental health (I was off work with anxiety after we went on lockdown and he knows about this). He said that when he met me he assumed I was 'dull and frigid'. There are more backhanded compliments..

I realise I'm being negged, slut shamed, whatever. But I keep going back for more and more. I feel like the worst has already happened, I've already shared images and I've already been insulted.. so what's the point? I can't change things.

I feel like my colleagues know, even though they don't. I've been very quiet the last few days, and have cried in the toilets a few times

He opened up about having form for sex with colleagues. This really upset me, which was the intention. I overheard him flirting with another colleague and I had to leave early.. as I almost threw up.

It's half an hour before I have to leave for work and I don't know how to get through today.

Please help..

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 08:58

One hour in and he's being a dick around me already. There just isn't enough work for us to do to be here during corona. don't know how much I can take. I'm an idiot. He's got everyone on his side.

OP posts:
GoofyLuce · 17/04/2020 09:13

Just ignore him. Just do what you need to do and then go home. Block him on everything and have a little pamper evening for yourself. He is immature and obviously craves attention from everyone. Don't feed into it. Be the bigger person and ignore the twat. Xx

BrooHaHa · 17/04/2020 09:25

Can you just say, firmly (and at normal speaking volume, loudly enough to be overheard if someone else were close by), 'I'm not interested, please leave me alone unless it's work related.'?

Then if he carries on, just repeat, 'I've told you I'm not interested- please leave me alone unless it's work related.'

He'll back off because he'll worry about someone overhearing. It then sounds like he's being a sex pest. Which he kinda is.

NoMoreDickheads · 17/04/2020 09:25

I realise I'm being negged, slut shamed, whatever. But I keep going back for more and more. I feel like the worst has already happened, I've already shared images and I've already been insulted.. so what's the point? I can't change things.

There may be reasons you keep going back, perhaps things you were told about yourself in childhood or something?

But regardless of that, yes it does make a difference if it carries on. You can stop it now and by doing that you're saying it's not ok, and taking your power and self-worth back. Block on everything.

You also say things like 'I find myself talking to him' during breaks. You are in charge of whether you do that- just don't do it. If you find you're alone in a room with him go back to where the others are as soon as you can etc.

BrooHaHa · 17/04/2020 09:26

As for what to do in your free time, have you considered volunteering with the NHS?

Flythedragons · 17/04/2020 09:26

Hi op.

I suffer from anxiety and it can be all consuming and inflate situations in your mind. Please remember that this is not your fault, it’s his. You are not to blame here, please do not blame yourself. It’s all about him and his actions. He is the abuser here and you do not deserve this.

You need to find away to step away from the situation. How can you do that?

Miraclescometrue · 17/04/2020 09:32

Can you tell him definitively you don’t want any contact with him any more ie no more texts after work.

Make a decision and stick to it. It sounds like you will have to be strong because he might get nasty or persuade you again, but you can’t go on as you are.

Miraclescometrue · 17/04/2020 09:34

Btw he sounds really horrible. Is he in a relationship?

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 10:15

He's single. As far as I'm aware. I can't tell if he's lying or not, there is a woman he mentions but apparently she's a 'friend'.

OP posts:
ErickBroch · 17/04/2020 10:21

ok you need to be realistic - you are acting like you've done something awful when in fact you have just flrted with someone and shared some naughty pics. That is not uncommon and nothing to be ashamed of - i get you feel stupid (I have felt the same before) but just move past it. You haven't done anything wrong, you are really catastrophising.

Just block him and stop talking, that's really it. If he shared your pics you can go to the police as it is completely illegal. If you really think he will do that then just make him aware that you won't hesitate going to the police if he does.

NoMoreDickheads · 17/04/2020 10:26

I feel like if it all stops then it's just me and the lockdown and I'm going to have to face up to it, which I don't want to do

It won't be as bad as you think, trust me, or if it is you have professionals you can talk to or possibly change your meds etc. This bloke is actually causing you more anxiety- you might well feel better for not having him around.

I know it's not the end of the world, but I was volunteering outside work which has stopped, and my other hobbies have also stopped for an unknown period. I know I'm not the only one. I just feel so hopeless.

It's not just for the NHS, a lot of people who like to keep busy are doing things like helping with delivering food to people who can't get out etc, there are probably all sorts of things you can do. Look on FaceBook for any community response groups to COVID in your area. There will be stuff going on if you hunt for it. xxx

Raidblunner · 17/04/2020 10:37

Definitely block him, ignore him, only engage with him in work related dialogue. The first thing you need to do is broaden your world, this nasty piece has reduced you even more. He's a narcissist and sociopathic. Its difficult to get out and socialise within this lockdown at the moment. Reach out to your friends and start creating a life and a framework away from work and this idiot.

NoMoreDickheads · 17/04/2020 11:02

I'm in a WhatsApp support group for people I know from the Freedom Programme that has really brightened thins for me, especially during this time, as we hat, let off steam etc.

You can search online/on FB for WhatsApp group links. I'm also in a couple of support groups for various things on FB.

Musti · 17/04/2020 11:17

You're single and hes single and you exchanged messages and pics and flirted. Now you no longer want to continue because he's an arse as you have every right to. You've nothing to be ashamed of. Just ignore him.

BackseatCookers · 17/04/2020 12:08

Block and ignore.

Your friends won't be disappointed, not your true friends.

You say this:

I feel like if it all stops then it's just me and the lockdown and I'm going to have to face up to it, which I don't want to do.

Lots of people are feeling terribly lonely at the moment which is awful. It also means there's an opportunity to help each other out. You could start a thread on here for example asking other people feeling lonely to join you on the thread for general chit chat, to distract you and show you that you're a perfectly nice, fun person people want to talk to.

Also have a look at local Facebook groups and local council website for things like volunteering opportunities specific to lockdown. Where I am, they are asking for people who can ring elderly people living alone just for a chat and I think something like that would really boost you and make you realise you're so much better than the way he's treated you.

But whatever you do next you must regain control over your actions and take accountability now you know how toxic your interactions with him are.

You are an adult with agency over your own decisions - this behaviour is causing you distress emotionally re your self worth and also damaging your perceived career security. Nothing is worth that.

Chin up, you must block and ignore. Google grey rock Thanks

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 15:11

I went for my break at the same time as him and he's just accused me of stalking him. I lost it with him. No one was there to see.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 15:12

I'm so down. I feel like I'm going to get in trouble for this

OP posts:
GoofyLuce · 17/04/2020 15:26

Why do you feel that your going to get into trouble? What type of industry do you work in?

Cnoc · 17/04/2020 15:27

But what would you be 'getting in trouble' for, OP? You seem to feel that you've done something absolutely awful, worthy of significant punishment, whereas all you've done is be unlucky enough to flirt briefly with someone at work who turns out to be an awful human being.

Keep away from him at work, block and delete his contacts, but keep a record of all communications in case he tries to make a fraudulent harassment claim via HR. And hold your head up.

EstrellaPequena · 17/04/2020 15:30

@Namechangedforthis11
I have anxiety too, so I understand the overwhelming feelings and the thoughts of "impending doom". However, you have the power to stop this, but you need to face up to the fact that you are putting yourself in these situations. You have choices. There's nothing stopping you from going your break at a different time, not texting him back or not engaging in conversation... Come on. He's a knob, pure and simple. You are having a hard time with your self esteem and anxiety, I get that but you need to take the reins here.

BackseatCookers · 17/04/2020 15:36

OP take a deep breath and when you can (I understand it might be after work now) sit down and really read the posts on this thread.

You've had lots of advice and empathy and I think you've just continued spiralling because it's too big a thing at the moment to take on board and digest.

If you are at panic attack level of anxiety and unable to function healthily then you may need some time off work to get yourself well.

I'm not sure how much of your trauma is directly about this man and how much is pre existing / ongoing regardless of him but it sounds like you need some support.

You need to reach out to people because at the moment your brain has only left space for this man and for anxiety. There's no room in your headspace / energy for friends, fun, treating yourself, laughing etc.

That's no way to live.

Can you take some time tonight or over the weekend to read through this thread and see that even on here there are strangers who will support you Thanks

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 15:42

I work in the civil service. I feel like he's turning it all on me and that I might lose it with him and someone will see, and it will be me that gets in trouble. I've had a hard time controlling my anger today.

How can someone be so cruel? I don't understand it. I feel like I'm not worthy of friendship or respect.

I'm going to go home and re read the thread. Thanks for the responses, it has really helped today

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 15:46

He's left the office but I feel ready to say something to a manager. I've yet to block him but he's just messaged me calling me a psycho bitch.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 15:51

Right. Sorry I'm rambling. I'm going to go home and not say anything, but I'm seriously considering raising this next week. I can't have anyone insulting me like this and having to spend all day with them. Even after I've blocked him I have a feeling it will turn into face to face insults.

OP posts:
lizzzyyliveson · 17/04/2020 15:56

Block and ignore him. Seriously, when he opens his face near you just walk away without another word. He will feel foolish but no matter. Leave that message from him calling you names as his last communication to you. If your manager asks you can say that you thought about going out with him but he turned on you so you are going to look outside the company for a boyfriend.

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread