Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help. Can't keep away from this horrible man

107 replies

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 06:29

I've namechanged for this. I met a guy at work not so long ago, found we had some things in common so started chatting outside work. For the last few months we've chatted almost non stop. At first he was very 'nice' to me.. is the best way I can describe it. He was complimentary, and talked about things we could do after lockdown ends. We would talk into the night (we still do). I suppose, stupidly I thought he genuinely liked me, at least as a friend.

Things turned and became flirty, which became more. I am stupid and I admit that. But we shared images.

We work in the same office and we agreed to keep the chat to a minimum while we're at work and he told me we need to be 'discreet'. I said I thought we were friends and that I didn't care if other colleagues knew we had a friendship.

In the last few weeks things have changed. When you don't see someone in 'real life'its difficult to understand their sense of humour. He told a few 'jokes' which I took the wrong way and I pulled him up on them. For some messed up reason I continued to talk to him.. also continued with the flirty chat.

Recently he's asked me if I've ever been detained for mental health (I was off work with anxiety after we went on lockdown and he knows about this). He said that when he met me he assumed I was 'dull and frigid'. There are more backhanded compliments..

I realise I'm being negged, slut shamed, whatever. But I keep going back for more and more. I feel like the worst has already happened, I've already shared images and I've already been insulted.. so what's the point? I can't change things.

I feel like my colleagues know, even though they don't. I've been very quiet the last few days, and have cried in the toilets a few times

He opened up about having form for sex with colleagues. This really upset me, which was the intention. I overheard him flirting with another colleague and I had to leave early.. as I almost threw up.

It's half an hour before I have to leave for work and I don't know how to get through today.

Please help..

OP posts:
MyOwnSummer · 17/04/2020 15:56

I'm cringing to remember it but I was once in a similar situation. Whether you report it to a manager or not, I would advise going "grey rock" in your dealings with him. Might be worth a google if you haven't heard of it.

In short, it means to become as dull and boring as a rock. He will eventually get bored and move on to another target (sadly).

Cnoc · 17/04/2020 15:57

Raise it with HR. He's using abusive language to you, and you sound increasingly frightened of him, and as though you are losing control.

EvenMoreFuriousVexation · 17/04/2020 15:57

Do you have the same line manager? If so I'd go and show her/him the text message immediately and ask them what can be done to get this abusive bully away from you.

Sparklingplasters · 17/04/2020 16:03

Have you tried just asking him to stop contacting you for anything other than work related issues during work time?

mamato3lads · 17/04/2020 16:09

I remember you posting about this before OP I think? Was it images of your feet you shared, if I remember correctly? Apologies if I'm wrong.

If I'm right though, please stop worrying so much!! You've done something millions of us have also done...you're not a slut, you've not 'made your bed' etc...you had a bit of flirty fun with someone. Who cares.

The only problem here is the person you had the fun with. He is a text book arsehole...I've met these types of men before. He is loving this. He will say things deliberately to hurt you but done in a way so if you pull him up, you look crazy. He is probably very miserable, very unfulfilled and gets his kicks this way. It will end badly for him.

You have to stop feeding his ego and his games, seriously. Grey rock as others have suggested or literally pull him to one side and tell him to fuck off, he's getting right on your nerves. No further explanation, literally Fuck Off.

TorkTorkBam · 17/04/2020 16:21

Here's what you do.

Send him a text message saying "Now our relationship is over it is becoming awkward at work. Let's make an effort keep our conversations professional. In the short term I feel it would be best for us to avoid each other in the office."

Then if he is a dick at all, go to HR, tell them your ex is having a hard time with the break up and is being unprofessional towards you despite your request that he be professional or avoid you. Show them the text message. Ask them to help you will his inappropriate unprofessional behaviour following your break up.

Closetbeanmuncher · 17/04/2020 16:36

There is no need to keep "snapping" or "losing it" get on with your work, block and ignore.

Life is going to be very hard for you if you spiral every time somebody says something nasty to you or does something you dislike.

Listen OP this guy's a garden variety cocksucker so stop talking to him, block his number and take a break after you know he's been for his.

As for the pictures no body knows they're of you so deny! There's no need for a massive melodrama. Block and stay out of his way and it will all blow over with your reputation intact.

If you want to be taken seriously as a professional colleagues, clients, suppliers etc are completely out of bounds.

Chin up, bright and breezy, block, avoid

Hoggleludo · 17/04/2020 16:42

Ok. Now. You are beautiful. You are amazing. You are wonderful. You can see this man for what he is and what's he doing.

If a friend came to you and told you some man was doing t this to her? Or your daughter? What would your advice be?

Remember. You are amazing!!!! You CAN do so much better than him. You CAN get through this. You CAN be free of this

So what? About work. About him? Is he infallible? Is he god? Is he the nicest soul?

Most of all. Is he worth it?

You NEED a man who can cope with all of your awesomeness. He is not it. He does not deserve to be with such an incredible human!

Hoggleludo · 17/04/2020 16:44

Just treat to him

Please only talk to me if it's work related. That was YOUR idea. So please adhere to it

Repeat

Please only talk to me etc

If he winds you up

Repeat.

Please only talk to me

Just keep saying it. Broken record. Google it. There's this thing called broken record. People use it on abusers. Rinse and repeat

You can do this. I have 100% faith in you stranger!

Hoggleludo · 17/04/2020 16:46

Kee all the texts. All of them

If anything comes of this. Show them to hr! Do t worry how you'll come across.

Deathraystare · 17/04/2020 17:02

I've already shared images

Really! Why?

Deathraystare · 17/04/2020 17:02

Mad!

mamato3lads · 17/04/2020 17:15

@Deathraystare

That really, really doesnt help does it. Calling the OP "mad" for sending images.
It's not mad, it's something people do and its crystal clear the OP regrets it. Do you have any useful advice? (Doubt it).

cretelover · 17/04/2020 17:16

He sounds like an absolute twat. Is it possible he's actually really dim and doesn't realise he's upsetting you and thinks he's being funny?

RuffleCrow · 17/04/2020 17:22

Block him and get some counselling! Your reasons for accepting this will be rooted in your childhood or early adulthood.

Deathraystare · 17/04/2020 17:23

I've already shared images it did not seem like much of a relationship that's why I was surprised.

Oscarthegrouch47 · 17/04/2020 17:27

I have been a situation with a guy who sounds just like this and I worked with him too. The comments, the jokes, the form for shagging other people in the workplace. This will end in tears, you will be another notch and that will be it. My guy was charming and fun to talk to as well but it didn't make up for the abuse and shaming. It's good you can see what's happening. Now you need to back away and block him. Don't get more involved and if anyone asks you about it just play it down.

LJenn · 17/04/2020 17:27

Ignore this psycho! He's bating you. Do NOT.. I repeat.. do NOT take the bait. You'll end up fired and he's twisting things to make you look unstable. Take back your power girl.

Nancydrawn · 17/04/2020 19:14

Deathraystare, what an asinine thing to say to someone who's obviously struggling.

OP, really don't worry about it. You send some non-identifying saucy pictures to someone. Maybe you won't do it again, but a poll in 2015 (in the States) reported 43% of adults said that they had sexted someone in a casual relationship, and I can only imagine that number is higher. (It was 88% of all adults, if that makes you feel better.) This includes both words and images.

The real problem seems to be your underlying anxiety and lack of self worth. Maybe worth talking to someone about that?

As for this situation, stay away from him as much as is practical and give him zero emotional energy to feed on.

sonjadog · 17/04/2020 19:56

I have been in a similar situation with someone at work. We were friends and had a great time together originally, and then he turned nasty. I put up with it for a really long time because I thought somehow that lovely friend I had had was in there and we could get back to it. Eventually I realized that that lovely friend was someone who he was pretending to be and the nasty bully was the actual him. The realization was like walking away from a disaster. It was such a relief. With hindsight, I should have had the realization months before I did.

Why would you give a shit about someone so horrible? The best thing for this kind of person is to really not give a fuck. They hate that. Tell him you aren't interested in this nonsense when he has a go. Go about your job like he is part of the furniture. Ignore all messages outside of work, or just block him. He is nothing worthy of your time. It will be hard the first few days, but fake it until it you actually feel it.

vixxo · 17/04/2020 21:15

Try and treat him like he's not there. Completely blank him, do not respond to him in any way, if he comes up to you walk away immediately, if he joins in on a conversation that you're having with someone else, leave. Block him on everything. Treat him like he's dead.

rosabug · 17/04/2020 21:42

You are continuing because a part of you thinks it will turn out differently somehow, but it won't. But people get themselves in bad positions all the time - people make mistakes all the time - all of us posting here. The trick is to recognise it and take action to remove yourself. When you learn this lifeskill no one can ever really fuck with you seriously again and your self esteem will rise.

And advice: never ever never share photos of yourself for any reason with anyone. Flat out blanket rule. No exceptions.

rosabug · 17/04/2020 21:51

Just to qualify about the pics remark - I know lots of people do it. I was dating heavily about 7 years ago - a lot of texting etc etc. I did share a few pics but realised I just wasn't comfortable. Also a lot of guys like sexting as an end in itself - it is not a precursor to a relationship (if that's at the back of your mind) it just ends up in a tissue. I must admit I became so bored with it, I decided to stop and when so when conversation drifted into those areas I would just say - "you had better know I'm happy to chat but I don't do sexting or pictures". It was such a relief to just put a big fat hand up to all that going nowhere wank fodder bullshit.

NoMoreDickheads · 17/04/2020 22:39

I definitely would report the 'psycho bitch' comment ASAP. xxx

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 22:41

Thank you for the kind responses, they have really helped.
I'm home and I've had a breather and a think. I obviously didn't know him like I thought I did, and this has been a game all along for him. What I couldn't deal with was at the end of today after he left the office he messaged me and called me a psycho bitch and a little later in the conversation told me or 'grow up bitch' or something along those lines, I'm not going back into the conversation...

I have to conclude that he is just completely socially inept and likely a virgin/had very few sexual encounters. Maybe the having form for sex with colleagues was a lie, because I'm struggling to think how anyone could sleep with him after being on the receiving end of such language. I have to conclude this, instead of thinking that he's just an outright nasty player, because I'm so fuming right now that should I think he's just outright nasty it would end in either HR or my fist in his face.

I'm not going to stoop to his level. There is clearly something wrong with him and his ability to communicate with women he thinks he's interested in..

I'm going to turn my phone off and try and keep it that way to avoid any urge to contact him.

OP posts:
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.

Swipe left for the next trending thread