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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Please help. Can't keep away from this horrible man

107 replies

Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 06:29

I've namechanged for this. I met a guy at work not so long ago, found we had some things in common so started chatting outside work. For the last few months we've chatted almost non stop. At first he was very 'nice' to me.. is the best way I can describe it. He was complimentary, and talked about things we could do after lockdown ends. We would talk into the night (we still do). I suppose, stupidly I thought he genuinely liked me, at least as a friend.

Things turned and became flirty, which became more. I am stupid and I admit that. But we shared images.

We work in the same office and we agreed to keep the chat to a minimum while we're at work and he told me we need to be 'discreet'. I said I thought we were friends and that I didn't care if other colleagues knew we had a friendship.

In the last few weeks things have changed. When you don't see someone in 'real life'its difficult to understand their sense of humour. He told a few 'jokes' which I took the wrong way and I pulled him up on them. For some messed up reason I continued to talk to him.. also continued with the flirty chat.

Recently he's asked me if I've ever been detained for mental health (I was off work with anxiety after we went on lockdown and he knows about this). He said that when he met me he assumed I was 'dull and frigid'. There are more backhanded compliments..

I realise I'm being negged, slut shamed, whatever. But I keep going back for more and more. I feel like the worst has already happened, I've already shared images and I've already been insulted.. so what's the point? I can't change things.

I feel like my colleagues know, even though they don't. I've been very quiet the last few days, and have cried in the toilets a few times

He opened up about having form for sex with colleagues. This really upset me, which was the intention. I overheard him flirting with another colleague and I had to leave early.. as I almost threw up.

It's half an hour before I have to leave for work and I don't know how to get through today.

Please help..

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 17/04/2020 22:46

Oh it was "grow up you crazy bitch". He knows which buttons to push as he knows I was off work with anxiety. I've honestly never met anyone like this before and hope I never will again.... Sorry I'm rambling.

OP posts:
Oscarthegrouch47 · 17/04/2020 22:53

Op this all sounds so familiar and believe me you are doing completely the right thing by blanking this dickhead. People like him thrive off attention and drama, once you remove yourself from it you are free. He sounds very very nasty but he will get bored and move on. Stay strong,

Aloe6 · 17/04/2020 22:54

You’re not rambling. You need somewhere safe to get it off your chest and this is a good place to do that.

Well done on turning the phone off, I agree that blocking him is the best thing to do. Don’t worry about him sharing the photos - that is now illegal which should be a deterrent. If harassing women at work is his weird hobby he’ll soon move on to someone else and leave you alone.

Closetbeanmuncher · 18/04/2020 00:55

To avoid any urge to contact him

Why exactly would you want to contact him OP?🤷

Am I missing something here???

SandyY2K · 18/04/2020 01:08

Why isn't blocking him an option, instead of turning your phone off?

If you see him at break time walk away as though you haven't seen him.

Low self esteem and an abusive person are the perfect storm. Keep your distance.

MaeveDidIt · 18/04/2020 10:58

Stop playing his nasty game.
BLOCK
At work - do not react. Ignore Ignore and Ignore.
He will get bored.
Simple.

He's been doing this because you're an easy target and you've been letting him!!!

CaptSkippy · 18/04/2020 11:23

OMG, SAVE THAT MESSAGE!
It's evidence you can use to report his behavior.

From your subsequent replies I believe you are dealing with a corporate psychopath. He is unable to feel any empathy toward anyone and he'll be cruel to get whatever he wants.

The only thing you can do is give him enough rope to hang himself with. Record all evidence and keep your own communication toward him strictly professional. Write out in detail as much of his behavior as you remember (preferable with the dates and locations you remember).

Here is an interesting video that will teach show you what I am talking about:

Also, Flowers. It's an awful situation you are in, but please remember it is not your fault. You're probably the latest in a long line of people he has targeted for his abusive behavior. He has had years to prefect his BS routine.

Stay strong. You can do this.

Namechangedforthis11 · 20/04/2020 15:30

I just wanted to update. I feel absolutely stupid, really stupid.. but I wasn't strong enough to block him on Friday. I only speak to him on what's app.. so he messaged me on Saturday about something he'd read in the news. And then we started chatting again. I hate myself for this. There was no sex related chat.. which, deep down I feel disappointed about which is terrible.

The thing that has got me today, is that he messaged and told me that our manager appears to be annoyed with him and has ignored him, not said good morning and snapped at him, telling him to get on with some work.

Now I don't know if this is because of me, because on Friday I cried in the toilets and when I came out it might have been obvious. That and the fact I snapped at him earlier in the week, I'm scared that someone has emailed my manager and told them they're concerned or something. I'm probably being very paranoid.

I'm dreading going in on Wednesday and being called into a meeting. I don't want to be sacked for gross misconduct or something. I'm beginning to get scared that he might make up a story to get me sacked.

I'm disappointed in my total lack of strength in dealing with this situation. The reason I didn't block was because I had hope that the sweet man I met and seemed like I got to know, disappeared and turned into a twat. I still have some hope that he might come back.

It's been a horrible day. I've had dark thoughts and had to try not to self harm. Please don't flame me.

I think I need some help. I feel sad that I'll probably never have a loving relationship due to the fact that I attract idiots like this. And the fact that I cannot face any more insults from any man.

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 20/04/2020 15:32

And the fact that I cannot face any more insults from any man. - which appears to be part and parcel of the process?? (Of dating)

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 20/04/2020 15:33

On Friday I had some control over this which has slipped away.
I'm already over my allowance for sick time. I've only got annual leave left but I don't feel that I can go back.

OP posts:
Ipadipod · 20/04/2020 15:35

I think you do need help . It seems that you are unwittingly playing the push-me-pull-you game. You don’t want him to be inappropriate but then when he isn’t you are disappointed.
This obviously isn’t doing you any good, can you find any online counselling?

OldSpeclkledHen · 20/04/2020 15:39

You CAN stop talking to this man. You are stronger than you realise, just dig deep.

This whole lockdown thing is exceptional, I would imagine if it came to HR getting involved, you'd have more rights.

The guy sounds like a right cunt.

Intothefuture · 20/04/2020 15:41

I don’t know what to say as you have had a couple of threads on this man and received good and consistent advice on what to do.

You admit you want to sex chat. You know it’s affecting your work. You describe him as horrible. You don’t want to block him.

It’s up to you.

YE420032c · 20/04/2020 16:26

You are being emotionally stalked by this man!

There is an excellent book called "The Gift of Fear" which explains why some people get into situations like yours, When they feel fear animals either fight or run. They dont rationalise situations like we humans. They act on on instinct. We tend to devalue our instincts. Because we are social beings we have lost the power to say NO because we feel it will sound rude, unreasonable, hurtful and so on. Once set upon a path we feel we have to follow it.

You do not have to follow the path you are on, because as some other posters have pointed out it can lead to a very dangerous situation.

Find a way out and do not spend time rationalising about how you will be viewed by your male friend or your workmates,

Dieu · 20/04/2020 16:32

He has no respect for you, OP. Your dignity should matter so much more to you than any man.
Walk away Thanks

ErickBroch · 20/04/2020 17:01

I understand you are struggling but really why continue posting if you don't want to take anyones advice? You need to block him. There is no other option. If you don't, then nothing anyone here says means anything.

Also, you are being extremely paranoid and catastrophising. I say this to be kind as I can almost guarantee absolutely no one has said or knows anything, and your job is in no way at risk! Nobody knows. Nothing is going to happen. Trust me, this guy does not want his work to find out because he will be in trouble!

ukgift2016 · 20/04/2020 17:10

You keep posting on here yet you are not following anyone advice. If you want to keep talking to this man then do so! You are an grown woman. You do not need permission from us.

Considering you posted about this man before. I would suggest you talk to your doctor about your anxiety and mental health issues. Posting on here is NOT helping you.

Namechangedforthis11 · 20/04/2020 17:27

It helps to write it all down. It's not that I'm not taking advice, it's that this feels like a compulsion and I don't know what to do now. I am thinking about calling my GP in the morning. I feel like I'm bothering them with mental health during Covid.

OP posts:
MargotEmin · 20/04/2020 17:35

OP did you post another thread about this, where it turned out the images were just of your feet or something?

AgentJohnson · 20/04/2020 17:39

The fact you continue to engage in contact outside of work is the current problem. You can not change the past but you can stop repeating past mistakes.

No one is going to rescue from this prick if you aren’t prepared to help yourself. Did you have any support for your anxiety? If you didn’t, now is the time.

You need to take you self sabotaging of your MH seriously.

Namechangedforthis11 · 20/04/2020 17:41

@MargotEmin no, that wasn't me. The images that were shared were quite intimate, but you can't identify me in them..they could potentially be of anyone

OP posts:
Namechangedforthis11 · 20/04/2020 17:43

@AgentJohnson I started taking anti depressants while I was off sick with anxiety but I couldn't deal with the side effects so I've had to stop. Maybe the best idea would be to attempt to try another type

OP posts:
Ipadipod · 20/04/2020 17:57

It almost sounds as if you are enjoying the drama of this , I’m sure there must be a psychological explanation for it . Definitely call your GP and explain everything before you get into deeper trouble .

Gingernaut · 20/04/2020 18:01

Block him.

Go to HR. Show them the messages.

Your self esteem is through the floor. Get therapy.

AgentJohnson · 20/04/2020 19:44

Go to HR

The OP is still in contact with this man, it isn’t HR’s responsibility to stop the Op from self sabotaging.

Your reckless behaviour Op is only feeding your anxiety. I suspect there’s more than just anxiety going on.

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