This is what I'm writing to his wife after 'lockdown'- any suggestions for tweaks?

[hewasatwunt]

Hi, please don't shoot me.

I was involved with someone who turned out to be quite dodgy. Some of you will recognized the details- have name changed just in case he views posts under my other usernames.

I think his wife should know about the hundreds of sexual assignations he's had outside marriage. I don't particularly have an axe to grind now, I just genuinely think she should know. She's in her mid 50s, she could choose a different life if she wanted.

Some people on various forums already gave me a lot of help writing this. Do any of you have any other tweaks you can suggest? All names etc have been changed.

Hi Sue, I thought you deserved to know what’s happening.

Bob is constantly seeking opportunities for encounters.

He was having an involvement with me for the best part of 18 months, from July 2018 until January 2020. I blocked him because I realized what he was like. I'm really sorry and won’t interfere in your marriage again.

Whenever he said he was with Fred and me, he was just with me. Sometimes he maybe said he was with us overnight, or gave some other excuse to be away; he was just with me. After I took him back home from his treatment, three times a week, there was some activity involved.

There’s a woman he’s seeing at times at his treatment, called Lucy. Maybe he said he was setting off early before treatment solely to give her a lift. That is not always the case. He also sometimes meets her in the afternoons.

He talks to a woman online called Eve. He has encouraged her to send him explicit photographs and videos. He’s frequently propositioning women online and asking for photos or to meet.

The first woman he mentioned having had an affair with was called Suzie and lived in Blackpool. I think that started at some point while he was studying at Manchester and finished a while after he finished there.

Around six years ago he was seeing Mina who attended the gaming club at the time. At one point they went to a bed and breakfast for a night, I think somewhere up north. His involvement with her lasted a few months.

He is bisexual and also goes to ‘adult cinemas’ where he engages in acts with several male strangers at a time. He’s been doing this for decades and it will have been hundreds if not thousands of men. He does not tend to use protection for his activities there. He tries to get women to go along to the cinema with him to join in with these pursuits, and sometimes succeeds.

There’s another woman, also called Sue, who he’s been involved with at times over the years. He invited her to go to the cinema/swingers’ clubs too. He didn’t mention this woman to me, so it just goes to show that what I’m able to let you know is just the tip of the iceberg.

There’s another dimension to this in that the women he targets or succeeds with tend to be vulnerable, or at a vulnerable time in their lives. He is exploitative, coercive and manipulative. He also lies to get what he wants, including about the nature of your relationship. Some women didn’t give meaningful consent as it was when they were ill, through exploiting their vulnerabilities, or it was given under false pretenses.

Sorry to let you know about all this, but I thought you should be aware.

-Judy.

P.S. If you want more evidence or to discuss this further, you can contact me

So...you were aware of all these women, and the wife, and you pursued a relationship with this man? Your sense of entitlement, belief in how amazing you are that he would treat you differently is beyond staggering. I used to think women like you were so damaged, they were literal prey of such men but older and wiser it seems nothing other than belief that they deserve the man in question and anyone getting hurt around them is just collateral damage. Get a life, love, one that doesn’t involve someone else’s husband.

OP you weren’t bothered about shitting on Sue for 18 months

By the sounds of things it was Sue's husband she was shitting on. Literally.

So, OP is angry he was cheating on her, notwithstanding he was cheating on his wife with her? I make no judgment about OP's choices but the double standards are staggering

You've been snagging ber husband and you want to rub it in further?? Are you for real? Get a life, think about your own behaviour and leave the poor woman alone.

You sound very like the woman who was fucking my Ex, she also thought she needed to let me know a lot of 'facts' (half of which were made up) although she never needed me to know any of it in the months they were shagging, only when he dumped her. You have at least avoided personally insulting her, which was what the one that wrote to me did. I wonder if, like her, at the same time as writing to me you are also contacting this bloke telling him you're available and willing for sex anytime . Just vile.

And also what makes you think you know the 'full story'? You will know what he wants you to know. Unless you've done some kind of secret service level surveillance/ bugging of him, which seems pretty unlikely. Because if you had no doubt you'd be offering up proof and gloating to her about it.

So, OP is angry he was cheating on her, notwithstanding he was cheating on his wife with her?

Unfortunately this seems to be a recurring theme among some OWs. Despite all the flashing neon signs that they are involved with a manipulative player and serial adulterer they cling on to the belief that with them it's different. Until they are confronted with the evidence that it's not. And that's usually the point at which they really feel a burning moral need to tell his wife exactly what he's like.

I've read it on here a hundred times.

OP of he is indeed a counsellor and abusing his position, there is only one thing you can do and that is alert his superiors/ governing body to his behaviour, its probably illegal. He ought to be struck off to protect potential victims

Counselling is an unregulated industry. Any idiot, even without a £19 diploma from Groupon, can call themselves a counsellor. There is voluntary registration and guidelines and you can be struck off from membership,of said regulatory organisation, but not stuck off as a counsellor. You should check qualifications and registrations carefully if embarking on a session of private counselling. There are plenty of experienced and qualified counsellors out there.

If you are so bothered that Sue should have the chance of a better life then why did you play your part on shitting in it by carrying on with her husband.

He dumped you now move on.

You don’t know anything about Sue

She might not give a shit what her husband is up to.
They might have a sexless marriage and she is quite happy with that or has her own life on the side.

I doubt that Sue is completely in the dark and she does know exactly what you and all the ones that came before you were up to with her dh.

She just doesn’t care enough to do anything about it if she has a comfortable lifestyle

Funny their behaviour is justified and forgivable until it's you they dump isn't it?

If you wanted to tell her you'd be respectful enough to wait until lockdown is over and then let her know in a factual way.

The letter you have written sounds like you're practically salivating over giving her the gory details. Honestly it makes you sound as horrible as him.

You can tell her in a way that shows you actually feel bad for her, not in this way that shows you only feel bad for yourself.

You want him to be punished for his behaviour, I understand that. But you can do it in a way that doesn't maximise the impact of her hurt, which you are absolutely doing by sending such a self indulgent letter during lockdown when they'll be forced to stay in the same house.

If you gave a shit about her (which you claim you do) then you'd at least wait until lockdown is over.

You sound very like the woman who was fucking my Ex, she also thought she needed to let me know a lot of 'facts' (half of which were made up) although she never needed me to know any of it in the months they were shagging, only when he dumped her.

This is exactly what it sounds like. It doesn't come from a place of concern for the wife it comes from a place of jealousy that he binned you off.

I bet you are hoping that the wife leaves him and then he will be with you.

If you don't think she knows then you're deluded. You sound like a bitter bitter ex whose out to get some pety revenge

@hewasatwunt

I don't know if you're coming back to the thread but I was also sleeping with a man who had a partner.
I didn't know until a mutual friend told me that he had a gf and a baby on the way.

I have never felt so angry/upset/used/like a mug.
I wanted to show him that I wasn't a victim/mug that he could get away with playing and destroy his life as much as I could.
So I understand why you are still so angry and hurt.

I decided because the gf was pregnant to not tell her until after the baby was born as she was not at fault and I didn't want to make her life harder.
I deleted him on everything so couldn't be tempted to send him nasty messages but as the months past, I started caring less and eventually you just get over it and move on.
I didn't tell the gf in the end as they seemed happy and I didn't want to break up a family.

What you are feeling will pass but you need to let it go and try and forget about him.
What's done is done. Karma works in mysterious ways and he will get his karma but you need to look out for yourself now and forget about him.

OP you weren’t bothered about shitting on Sue for 18 months

By the sounds of things it was Sue's husband she was shitting on. Literally.

Unfortunately this seems to be a recurring theme among some OWs. Despite all the flashing neon signs that they are involved with a manipulative player and serial adulterer they cling on to the belief that with them it's different

Yeah, this.
I dont know why OW are under the misapprehension that they have a magic vagina that will make the pathetic loser be faithful to them but it never works does it? Must be shock to realise you are just like everyone else and you were not special after all......

WTF, has MN been taken over by Stepford wives since lockdown or what? OP is making her own messy path but the amount of tacit forgiveness for Mr STI is unbelievable. What has happened to women in 2020? Would you advise your daughters to turn a blind eye and instead slag off his latest victim?

By the sounds of things it was Sue's husband she was shitting on. Literally

Missed that bit.😮😮😮

Sounds really grim

Maybe Sue will write a thank you letter in reply to hewasawunt’s letter

Saves Sue having to put up with him

It’s a shame you didn’t consider telling his wife earlier, you know, when you were cheating with him on her. Why is it suddenly vitally important she knows now? Is it because he’s dumped you?

I'm surprised so many people would rather live in the dark than know about their cheating spouse

Because this letter is all about bitterness and revenge and nothing to do with any concern about his wife. OP does not care who she hurts in her desire for revenge.

If this is a creative writing exercise, you need to get another hobby

I'm surprised so many people would rather live in the dark than know about their cheating spouse

Oh please! this isn't some noble attempt by the OP to put the universe right, support the wife and show female solidarity.

If that were her motive, she would have told the wife the very second she found out this disgusting dude was married. But no, she carried on her affair with this rancid turd for 18 months not giving two hoots about his wife then. Now they've broken up she suddenly wants the wife to know everything? lol- this isn't about her wanting the wife to know. Its about her seeking revenge for being cheated on and realising that she wasnt quite so special after all because he was cheating on her too.

Don't be a cunt.

Alexis her reasons are fucking irrelevant. His wife should know.

And if as so many say she is turning a blind eye (are we in the 50s?), then no collateral damage.

Then OP can simply tell the wife in a shorter, more succinct manner warning her to get an STD test. Does she really need to list every tiny thing he has ever done- dont you think that would absolutely decimate someone? and to do it at a time when they are locked down together and she may not be able to get out is just plain cruel.

I agree she should know. But this manner of doing it is cruel and nasty and extremely self serving.

@HollySideEyes

her reasons are fucking irrelevant. His wife should know.

I think for many of us it's not the telling her we disagree with. It's the timing of it during lockdown and the fact the letter itself is dripping with vitriol and includes a level of detail that will cause maximum hurt to the wife. I get that's because OP wants maximum fallout for the husband, but that doesn't change the fact that it's also causing maximum hurt to the wife when the level of detail and style of language sounds so bitter and nasty. I understand not everyone has read it like that, you may not have, but many of us have.

I think for many of us it's not the telling her we disagree with. It's the timing of it during lockdown and the fact the letter itself is dripping with vitriol and includes a level of detail that will cause maximum hurt to the wife

This exactly. Read the letter. Its clearly written for maximum hurt and pain.