5 years in .. he won't have sex

[the30thIsOnHoldInLockdown]

I've been with my partner for 5 and a half years. We bought our first house together 2 years ago. We don't have children but I have no one else to talk to and need some advice so that's why I'm here.
Our first year together we had sex almost every day. To the point where sometimes I was too tired so I just helped him out.
After about 2 years the sex stopped. One day I realised it had been about 4 months of nothing. I was working on my career and didn't really mind.. until I did mind.
Over the last 3 years we have had multiple chats about it. I've threatened to leave him if it doesn't get better but then it does get better for about a month. During that time it would go up to twice a week maybe. Then to nothing again. He says he doesn't know what the problem is he just doesn't want to do it. Sometimes I test the waters and let him see me getting dressed in nice underwear but he's not interested.
I'm only 29 and I can't 'try it on'. After being knocked back that many times it's just embarrassing. He's never went to the doctors like I've asked. And now it's lockdown and it's made me so reflective. I have no one to talk to because I don't want to have this conversation with family over the phone. Plus I feel like I need some advice from someone who doesn't know us.
I'm not sure I can stand being rejected anymore? Am I mad for leaving because of sex? Surely this would only get worse if we did have children? Mind you I doubt there's a chance of that happening...

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Im not sure I can stand being rejected anymore?

Am I mad for leaving because of sex?

No. You're not.

Surely this would only get worse if we did have children?

Yes it would....and you'd be tied to him if you have a child.

Any reason you're not happy in a relationship, is a good enough reason to end it.

It does not get better. It breaks your spirit. It might drive you to behaving in ways you dislike. I stayed (we had kids) and tried everything. Nothing changed. Left him 2 years ago. We get on far better now. I mourn the 15 years ( you read that right) of no sexual intimacy of any kind. I would 100% leave in your situation no question about it.

Thanks for your quick replies. I feel like maybe I just needed confirmation. Maybe I know deep down I should leave. I just need to wait it out until lockdown is over .. which is awkward. Ahhh this is so shit knowing what's coming :(

My exh was the same. I ‘forced’ him to have sex every 3 months or so - in that we had the chat, I said it was important blah blah blah, we had unsatisfactory sex , he agreed we’d try harder to do it more frequently , and then went back to none. This was the cycle. He couldn’t explain why he didn’t want to, he said no one married bothered with sex , my self esteem plummeted. He wouldn’t go to the GP or anything. I did have kids with him (amazing we managed that!) . I did discover eventually that he was ringing sex phone lines of some kind. But again he refused to discuss this. Ended in divorce. Definitely do not have children with him. It was such a lonely time for me. Now I’m single , but it’s better to be single than to be so unhappily married. You are only 29 - plenty of time, don’t tie yourself to him.

I've threatened to leave him if it doesn't get better

Threatening someone to have sex is not the way to get someone turned on, quite the opposite. You need to split and find someone more compatible.

It shouldn't be this hard. One of the lovely things about my DH is despite my aging fat shitty body he still finds me sexy and it's simple uncomplicated fun for us both. That's what you want when you're in your 50s. So at your age it should be easy. Please leave. Don't waste another day.

What about lockdown.. should I wait until lockdown is lifted? Will I just be a heartless bitch to break his heart and leave him completely alone?

Why are you forcing someone to have sex that they don't want by threatening them?

If you can't stay in the relationship then if course you should leave but no one should be cajoled, coerced or threatened with leaving to get them to agree to sex.

Obviously threatened is the wrong word. The conversation went like this 'if this doesn't improve our relationship won't work. So what can we do about it?'. God I wouldn't force him into anything.

Please leave him.
Neither of you are happy.

You will find the right words but make it definite. Perhaps google for some ideas of how to break it to him.

Do NOT wait any longer.

i know what you meant by threatened op.

i am now in a relationship where sex has dried up more or less. last time we had sex was march 8th, i’m marking it on a calendar so i can show him.

my advice is get out now. it damages your self esteem so much. like a previous poster said, you’ll behave in ways you don’t like.

god i wish my situation was different, he’s only 36!!!!

@Sugartitss that's what I started to do - how sad is that? The last time for us was about 4 weeks ago. What kind of things have you tried to get back on track?

I haven't had sex with my dp in 2 years 7 months. I'm only here because I'm too poor to leave, I have no support network and recurrent mental health issues. I've given up with my body and I'm 27.

The only thing that gives me hope is that one day when I'm older a man might pay attention to me again.

It's so lonely being in this position, if you can leave then please consider it, you need to live and not just survive together

A 29 year old man who doesn't want to have sex, doesn't know why and doesn't want to do anything about it?

This is not a basis on which to build a happy and sustainable relationship.

It is if you value the relationship above sex, but if not, you need to abandon him and find someone more compatible.

Can you have a look and see if he is watching a lot of porn?
May totally not be that.

But this is not working for you.
At 29 you have your whole life ahead of you.
Don't waste it being unhappy.
That way madness lies, as you already know.
Time for a proper chat.
Talk about separation.
Maybe an amicable friendship could work while you are in lockdown.
Just live as house mates and see how that goes.
But if you can leave, and have somewhere to go then do that.

Leave. My ex was like this, I waited until I was too old to start again and have a family though.
Leave. Find someone that desires you and makes you feel amazing, sexy, feminine.
I've found that person now, and although we wont be having a family together, I'm so happy.

Don't waste your time. He will not change.

Ahh it's a tough one isn't it OP.

My dp and I can go up to 2 months without sex sometimes. He simply has a lower libido and has to be in the right frame of mind to get down to it. It's tough because while I would ideally like more our relationship on the whole is really good. But if sex is important to you and your needs aren't being met then you have to question is you are compatible as a couple and destined to stand the test of time.

For me, I am willing to sacrifice to an extent. Because I do still get sex just not very often. And because I have built a happy life with this man that I would be devastated to let go. I may go on and meet someone and have a more regular sex life but whose to say that the relationship would match this one in every other area?

It's very hard to know what to do for the best but all I can suggest is communication. Sadly if two people have different sex drives then there's not a lot that can be done.

I had a friend who went through something very similar. They had been together since Uni. 7 years in. She was doing everything she could to excite him and keep the spark there. But he had just checked out.
She loved him so much and it killed her to leave her partner for so many years over one issue but it was destroying her self esteem.
She's struggled with relationships since and has spent a lot of time rebuilding herself. I couldn't be more proud of her, though. She's made the choice to make herself happy. And she's grown so much as a person since dropping that baggage.

It's strange that a young man who you've had great frequent sex with, is no longer wanting to have sex. It's rubbish that he won't get help either. Maybe give him one last ultimatum of see the doctor or you will leave.

Usually when it's a male poster complaining his wife no longer wants to have sex, posters are very quick to blame him and tell him that he needs to look at his own behaviour as the source of her lack of desire. He'll be told to do more than his share of housework, give her time to herself, back off asking for sex (he's usually called a sex pest, or worse, at this point) and advised to look at ways to re connect physically that don't involve sex at all and that don't imply that is the motive. He'll then be told to sort out his own needs and that no one has the right to pressure another into having sex. That sex should be approached willingly and enthusiastically by both parties and that no one should be coerced into doing it.

Leave. This won't improve, and it will make you increasingly unhappy. He also needs to find someone that he is compatible with.

How would leaving now work? Does he have somewhere else to go, or do you? How safe would it be? How will you work out the house (does it need to be sold)?

The weird thing is is that he's still very affectionate. He likes to cuddle and hold hands and be close. But just nothing else. So giving him space isn't what he wants by the looks of things.

If I left now I'd have to move in with a family member but sleep on the sofa. It could work but it would be uncomfortable. In terms of selling up I have no idea what to do. He loves this house and I'd happily sell up and start a fresh somewhere else.

@Musti I think three years of ultimatums and attempts to fix this is all I've got in me :(

@Crackerscheesescabbyknees I'm glad to hear your friend is doing well. This has totally affected my self esteem. And his too I'm sure! It's not great for either of us