5 years in .. he won't have sex

[the30thIsOnHoldInLockdown]

I've been with my partner for 5 and a half years. We bought our first house together 2 years ago. We don't have children but I have no one else to talk to and need some advice so that's why I'm here.
Our first year together we had sex almost every day. To the point where sometimes I was too tired so I just helped him out.
After about 2 years the sex stopped. One day I realised it had been about 4 months of nothing. I was working on my career and didn't really mind.. until I did mind.
Over the last 3 years we have had multiple chats about it. I've threatened to leave him if it doesn't get better but then it does get better for about a month. During that time it would go up to twice a week maybe. Then to nothing again. He says he doesn't know what the problem is he just doesn't want to do it. Sometimes I test the waters and let him see me getting dressed in nice underwear but he's not interested.
I'm only 29 and I can't 'try it on'. After being knocked back that many times it's just embarrassing. He's never went to the doctors like I've asked. And now it's lockdown and it's made me so reflective. I have no one to talk to because I don't want to have this conversation with family over the phone. Plus I feel like I need some advice from someone who doesn't know us.
I'm not sure I can stand being rejected anymore? Am I mad for leaving because of sex? Surely this would only get worse if we did have children? Mind you I doubt there's a chance of that happening...

Any advice greatly appreciated.

What to do about the house ? One of you buys the other out or you sell and split the proceeds.

@I0NA I'd happily let him buy me out. But we've added value to it so I'm hoping I'd see some of that at least to help me out

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras

100% agree, the double standards are amazing at times.

Usually people get the house valued first, so any improvements and capital gain would be taken into account. He’s not giving you half the money you both paid for it’s it’s half the value of it now.

For a man in his late 20s to not want sex, is not normal, but it does happen.
Often there is no physical reason, but it's more in the mind. If you love your partner, find them attractive and there is no resentment, you should have that desire to hop into bed with them whenever the opportunity arises.
For a man to have an issue and have no desire within themselves to even question why & start to resolve it, is a big red flag imho.
I can't see it getting any better.

Whether it’s Normal or not doesn’t matter in a way.

If she wants a sexual relationship and he doesn’t , they are not compatible.

She’s young, they have only been together for a few years, not married , no kids. No reason to stick out an unhappy situation for the next 50 years in the hope he might want to change.

Prawn & Hear totally agree about the double standards regarding sex on Mumsnet .

But if you are not compatible... then you are not compatible. Some people like sex more than others, not everyone enjoys sex although few people will admit it. Neither of you is likely to change so agree to separate as amicably as you can.

Is it over weight, Is he stressed, Does he get depression, Perhaps he has a low sex drive? What ever you need to discuss this together.

Have the house valued. But be aware that this is, for obvious reasons, a terrible time to be selling a house and you may end up with a significant delay or cut in price. Can you afford to rent another place at the moment?

Hi op sorry to be so personal but does he still masterbate ? Just wondering if he still had an erge ? If not I would say 100 percent mental health issues xxx

At 29 you have your whole life ahead of you.

Well not really. Even if she lives to 100, she'd only have 71% left.

@PlywoodPlank i could afford a flatshare maybe. But even that would be pushing it

@inacheeseandpicklesandwhich no he doesn't

@june2007 the discussions go nowhere. I often get emotional and he says he doesn't know what's going on or how to fix it. Then we apologise to each other and brush it under the carpet. He says he loves me to bits and that it's nothing to do with not being attracted to me

Psychological perspective: for many men (and some women), as soon as they're living together/married, an oedipal factor starts to edge into the relationship. They're psychologically transported back to their own family, and so their partner becomes their mother and, instead of sex (which would be a violation in those terms), the dynamic becomes child/parent, and not adult/adult. That's why I think most long-term relationships (not all) don't really work sexually, imo.

If he’s not willing to explore the issue further then YANBU to leave him over it.

@MarieQueenofScots what is YANBU?

You Are Not Being Unreasonable

@BertiesLanding we started living together after 6 months. Then we were with his parents before we moved into our place. Maybe that was the killer.. who knows! You could be right maybe he just doesn't see me that way anymore.

@MarieQueenofScots ahh ok thankyou!

Well, you have options, none of them immediately great, but in the end you are free to find a relationship and a life that suits you far better.

You can limp along as is until the lockdown is over; you can move out straight away, take that friend's sofa, and then move on to a flatshare; you can end the relationship and remain in the house. All this leaves you in financial limbo for a while, as you await a valuation and either a sale or he buys you out.

I think, if you do decide it's best to end the relationship, that you should start another thread on how to go about it, practically and emotionally. Good luck whatever you decide and I'm really sorry that it hasn't worked out as you hoped.

Could he be cheating?! It's strange to have it al the time to not at all!

Like many PPs, I was in a similar position and I’d advise you to leave. It took me 17years to leave - the sex was an issue in year one, so I should have left then. It destroys you, your self esteem, your confidence, your self love, it eats away at you until you no longer recognise yourself. Leave.

if he won't help himself walk away. You can't change who he is and he doesn't value you enough to try.

Could he be cheating?

Why? Can men not want to have sex, or have physical or mental problems that affect their sex drive?

Seriously, if the sexes were reversed no one would suggest that the woman was cheating if she didn't want sex. The man would be told that it is his behaviour and attitude that is the problem and that no one is owed sex and more than that, pestering for sex is verging on criminal behaviour.

Maybe he has a physical or mental issue and now feels under undue pressure to.perform which is just creating a vicious cycle?