5 years in .. he won't have sex

[the30thIsOnHoldInLockdown]

I've been with my partner for 5 and a half years. We bought our first house together 2 years ago. We don't have children but I have no one else to talk to and need some advice so that's why I'm here.
Our first year together we had sex almost every day. To the point where sometimes I was too tired so I just helped him out.
After about 2 years the sex stopped. One day I realised it had been about 4 months of nothing. I was working on my career and didn't really mind.. until I did mind.
Over the last 3 years we have had multiple chats about it. I've threatened to leave him if it doesn't get better but then it does get better for about a month. During that time it would go up to twice a week maybe. Then to nothing again. He says he doesn't know what the problem is he just doesn't want to do it. Sometimes I test the waters and let him see me getting dressed in nice underwear but he's not interested.
I'm only 29 and I can't 'try it on'. After being knocked back that many times it's just embarrassing. He's never went to the doctors like I've asked. And now it's lockdown and it's made me so reflective. I have no one to talk to because I don't want to have this conversation with family over the phone. Plus I feel like I need some advice from someone who doesn't know us.
I'm not sure I can stand being rejected anymore? Am I mad for leaving because of sex? Surely this would only get worse if we did have children? Mind you I doubt there's a chance of that happening...

Any advice greatly appreciated.

Is it just the porn? Has there been massive weight gain or other medical issues?

Have you discussed the porn?

@rosabug - excellent post. Absolutely spot on.

Yes, what @rosabug said.

He could have low testosterone but if he won’t go to the doctor he will never know.

Much easier when you have a certain day of week when u do it. I.e Saturday make an effort with each other drink film etc yes this is what we have done for years now. We had a good chat about our sex life yesterday as he said he would happily do it more than 1once a week yet hes to tired but at least got the Saturday lol. Set a day and if he wont perform I'd be of u cant have kids if no sex hes either cheating or gay

@4thplanettotheleft that made me so sad to read. That he had done that to you, your confidence, self esteem, your worth. You ARE NOT vile.

Op, I have seen your update and I wish you luck with the breakup. I'm involved with the housing market and tbh demand is the same, in fact it seems there is a lot of reflecting going on during lockdown and many people are selling up/moving out etc!

Just wanted to add my experience for other people in a sexless marriage reading the thread.

With DH for 10 years. Married for 5. Sex dried up after marriage, was quite infrequent. 2 kids later (timed the infrequent sex) we don't have sex at all. I'm 33 and my self confidence is destroyed. I don't even have a dress/full length mirror anymore. I can't look at myself. I don't order nice clothes anymore, what's the point? Certainly don't bother with fancy underwear.

He has made it difficult for me by saying he adores me, he is attracted to me but is just too tired and doesn't have the urge. He's being treated for depression as well, has a shit job and is obviously tired from having young children. He does more than his fair share round the house, is an absolute fantastic father and is kind and considerate in most other areas. We have a shared sense of dark humour, enjoy the same things and have the same goals. How can I leave that? If I leave it would purely be for the sex. I would break up my family and lose the beautiful home we worked so hard for. We have built a life, and I've decided I can't destroy it for sex. I swallow the feelings of crushing rejection and accept that this is it for me.

You either accept it or leave. It's terrible and far more common than I first thought.

@pinksmile that is so sad. Get a mirror, wear nice underwear, do it for yourself.

With DH for nearly half my life. Had thought I had reconciled myself to celibate marriage to best friend for last 10 years - I clung onto hope that he might reciprocate or even initiate one day. Sex was very good in the beginning . He is still very attractive to me so that bring its own torture. He has stressful job and pleads exhaustion and my unhappiness (or anger as he calls it) as reasons for lack of intimacy. I met someone last year who completely knocked me off my feet and aroused all the suppressed passion (nothing happened with him but I would have in a heartbeat) I have been crying most days since in mourning for my lost sex life in what should have been our salad days as a couple and seeing a counsellor to avoid a full on breakdown. DH fully aware of all this but we just go around in circles. TBH I don’t think I even knew how to do sex anymore. Don’t wait until your late 40’s that you can’t take it anymore.