5 years in .. he won't have sex

[the30thIsOnHoldInLockdown]

I've been with my partner for 5 and a half years. We bought our first house together 2 years ago. We don't have children but I have no one else to talk to and need some advice so that's why I'm here.
Our first year together we had sex almost every day. To the point where sometimes I was too tired so I just helped him out.
After about 2 years the sex stopped. One day I realised it had been about 4 months of nothing. I was working on my career and didn't really mind.. until I did mind.
Over the last 3 years we have had multiple chats about it. I've threatened to leave him if it doesn't get better but then it does get better for about a month. During that time it would go up to twice a week maybe. Then to nothing again. He says he doesn't know what the problem is he just doesn't want to do it. Sometimes I test the waters and let him see me getting dressed in nice underwear but he's not interested.
I'm only 29 and I can't 'try it on'. After being knocked back that many times it's just embarrassing. He's never went to the doctors like I've asked. And now it's lockdown and it's made me so reflective. I have no one to talk to because I don't want to have this conversation with family over the phone. Plus I feel like I need some advice from someone who doesn't know us.
I'm not sure I can stand being rejected anymore? Am I mad for leaving because of sex? Surely this would only get worse if we did have children? Mind you I doubt there's a chance of that happening...

Any advice greatly appreciated.

@Hearhoovesthinkzebras other suggestions have been decreased libido, use of porn, psychology, mental health. I'm guessing this person is just trying to think of reasons. This is the only time cheating has been mentioned in this thread. No one is jumping to conclusions because it's about a man. Just thinking aloud

@Ifonlywecouldwishuponastar no i know for certain he isn't cheating.

I think many of you are right in that it could be mental health. And I've tried to support this over the years but as many of you also said, we just aren't compatible in that way. And so I think after lockdown I'll end our relationship.

I don't want to make things even more unbearable for him by ending it during this time. At least after lockdown he can see his family and friends again and have support. As will I.

Thankyou all so much for your advice. You've given me lots of clarity and put it in ways I would never have been able to myself. Xx

When I was around your age (I'm only a few years older now) my partner also went off sex totally for a few years. I experienced everything you describe - the loneliness, low self esteem, frustration, anger, grief etc. It really does eat you up. I also said that I didn't know if I could stay if nothing changed, and he felt really bad but didn't seem to make any changes. He kept saying that I must keep instigating it, because at some point he'd want to, but why on earth would I set myself up for crushing rejection on the regular? It got so I couldn't even get aroused any more anyway, and if he did make a move I'd be so stressed out my body wouldn't get turned on and I couldn't do it anyway. I'm saying all this because sometimes it helps to know you are not the only one.

HOWEVER. Since leaving his very stressful job, moving city and dealing with his mental health problems, things have got a lot better. I still notice that his libido vanishes when he gets stressed, and his depression is often linked to workplace stress. It CAN get better, and we have a good sex life nowadays despite our one-year-old's best efforts. But I would never ever advise you to hang in there if it is unbearable to you. I'd have left if things had not improved.

If he won't seek help, and won't acknowledge it is a real problem, you do need to put yourself first, and don't stay in a relationship where your resentment will fester and diminish you as well as him. This isn't for want of trying, after all. It's heartbreaking but everybody has their limit and there is nothing wrong with not wanting to live without sex/desire. It's important.

Another possible twist in the tale - your story was mine when I was in my twenties, exH's libido dropped to once every 6 weeks or so, 2 years into the relationship and I should really have left, then. But I loved him, he said it was just a low sex drive, we were affectionate & close in every way except sex, so we got married, and had 3 children (by timing the infrequent sex).

Then when I was expecting 3rd child, he suddenly announced that he'd met someone who 'lit his fire', he'd never fancied me & he was off to be with her. They're still together 25 years later.

I wouldn't hang around, OP. This mismatch is corrosive.

@Walkacrossthesand that's what I sometimes think. He thinks that he loves me but maybe there's someone out there for him who gets him going more than I do. He loves me but could there be someone out there better suited to him?

Thanks for sharing your story/advice :)

@Walkacrossthesand but also shame on him for dropping that bombshell when you were pregnant with 3rd child!!!

How does he explain not wanting to seek couple counselling (or at least his own) if he still wants affection and doesnt want to leave the r-ship? It's just irrational. He's real;y leaving you with no other option but to split up.

@the30thIsOnHoldInLockdown
i’ve tried talking to him, gets me nowhere.

we had sex a couple of days ago for two mins, no joke. i think my boyfriend has a problem with speed, the drug.

I now fancy a colleague like crazy but i know it’s not real, just because of my situation. I’m mad about him and hating lockdown because i can’t see him every day.

we just aren't compatible in that way. And so I think after lockdown I'll end our relationship

Good plan OP, do what you can to make lockdown as pleasant as you can. I've been out for some nice walks (with Pokemon) which I've really enjoyed in this lovely weather. Tried to do geocaching but need some help getting to grips with that.

Just to update this thread.. I found out that he DOES watch porn. In fact he's on it a few times a week.

What does that tell me? That he does get the urge but just not for me?

I'm sorry OP but you must leave him. You are young, no children. You could have a very different life.

It's not a doctor that your partner needs but a good therapist. He obviously can still have sex if he responds to your ultimatums for a while. You say that at first the sex was intense, but since then he has reverted to his original relating style. What is his family of origin like? How did his parents relate to each other? Father's attitude to women? Has he separated from his mother in a healthy way? Any invasive/overbearing/detached parenting? He might be mistaking your natural sexual desire for dependency and reading your ultimatums as an emotional hunger that will overwhelm him. He might also have difficulty tolerating feelings of being loved and wanted hence his need to reject you. We all need to believe we are lovable before we are able to receive love. Your partner sounds like he is protecting himself by becoming self-contained. Witholding sex in a relationship (and as a previous poster has correctly pointed out, both men and women do it) is more common than you think but the underlying issues can be worked though with the right support and a willingness of both parties to want things to change. The important thing for you is to recognise there are deeper issues and not use his witholding of sex as an emotional barometer of your own self-worth. Easier said than done though I know.

Honestly? Leave. Regardless of the reason, if it's not medical it's not going to change.

I spent 10 years of my life with a man with a much lower sex drive than me. This dwindled to nothing for 4 years.
He ruined my confidence and I was so unhappy.

You deserve better- to be wanted, desired... there are plenty of men that will do that.

I'd leave, OP. You can then find someone more suitable.

If's he's denied porn use before, then I would suspect he's become desensitised as a result of the porn use. Without a lot of willingness and therapy on his part, nothing will change.

It tells you he’s a lazy and selfish lover. He would rather use his right hand that satisfy you.

Honestly get out. You’re so young. Don’t let this be your life.

It tells you that he is lazy and gets turned on by unrealistic porn rather than a real live woman that he has an emotional connection to.

He's probably addicted...

Leave and find a man that wants a loving fulfilling relationship with you not some unrealistic, unobtainable fantasy.

Why can't I find a man like this??? I'm desperate to find an asexual bloke and they are all sex three times a day men.
So many posts about husbands who don't want sex and I can't find a single man like that. Its not fair.

And the fact he's lied about not going in porn just proves I can't trust him about it.

Thanks for your advice. I've posted anew thread about breaking up during lockdown.. the next hurdle to face!!

Don’t stay OP. At 29, you could be young free and single and find someone who fills your heart with joy. Being undesired is like a slow aching rot in your heart. I’m 20 years into a sexless marriage. I’m disappointed in myself that I didn’t walk away a long long time ago. Instead I married him and ended up with DCs. All conceived out of the blue (like DC2 was the only time we had sex in over 2.5 years and bam pregnant after a random 2 minute fumble, same with DC3 after nearly 3 years of zero intimacy). Goodness knows how, it wasn’t planned!!

Now my romantic heart feels empty (It is full with love for my DC) and to be honest I don’t have the energy or desire to leave my husband. We have a lovely family and beautiful home. I feel ghastly in myself and hide my body at every opportunity. He’s made me feel vile and I’ve let him do that.

So please leave.

@4thplanettotheleft that makes me so sad to hear how's he's made you feel insecure about the way you look. Thankyou for sharing your story and advice. Xx I've posted a new thread about how to do the break up during lockdown.. here goes!!

I could almost have written your post a few years ago, OP. My ex had a serious porn addiction and the lack of sex almost destroyed my self-confidence. It doesn’t tend to get better, I’m afraid.

Psychological perspective: for many men (and some women), as soon as they're living together/married, an oedipal factor starts to edge into the relationship. They're psychologically transported back to their own family, and so their partner becomes their mother and, instead of sex (which would be a violation in those terms), the dynamic becomes child/parent, and not adult/adult. That's why I think most long-term relationships (not all) don't really work sexually, imo.

This is very interesting because you see sex going away when the woman does everything for the man or vice versa. The man starts seeing the woman as a mother figure to him not a sexual being.

Just seen the OP’s latest update - sending strength and courage to you. My life has been difficult and lonely since I left my ex but it was STILL the right decision.

I also agree with @Candyfloss99 - my ex did almost fuck all at home (he would put the bins out if I nagged him for hours first!) and I think we did fall into a parent/child dynamic, no matter how much I tried otherwise.

"the discussions go nowhere. I often get emotional and he says he doesn't know what's going on or how to fix it. Then we apologise to each other and brush it under the carpet. He says he loves me to bits and that it's nothing to do with not being attracted to me".

1/ he's not interested in having sex with you anymore. Some men prefer their right hand and fantasy than the complexities of sex. Some men also like the control that withdrawal from the relationship gives them - this is a form of passive aggression, which can never be 'solved'.

2/ it won't get better. you cannot mend this sort of problem (been there - wasted years of my life). I would advise anyone, from my vantage point of nearly 60 years (and a lot of experience) - to give sexual problems a strict time limit, if you must, if you love someone. 6 months, 12 months. Then leave. Even then, if it improves, I would put money down the problem reappears.

3/ he's saying what you want to hear because he cannot bear the upheaval if he is honest.

4/ he says he doesn't know whats going on. he knows exactly what's going on. He's dissembling because of no 3. The "I love you to bits" is the trump card.

5/ he's got you caught in a cruel trap - my ex did this to me. couldn't live without me - it was forever. he didn't know why, but couldn't respond to me anymore. so we would go round and round and I would brush it under the carpet.......wasted years.

6/ the way out is through the door.