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Original poster

Would you find out what he wants?

87 replies

PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 19:19

I have 4 children with my ex. He doesn’t see them and that is his choice, hasn’t seen them in 3 years apart from
Once a year ago when he contacted me asking to see them again, saw them ONCE then told me that actually he doesn’t want to see them anymore Confused . That was a year ago as I said. After that I deleted him off WhatsApp and left it, decided that he has had his chances and I will never contact him again (oh he also told me not to contact him again, only if it was an emergency then I could contact Hmm ) it was my birthday 2 months after blocking him and he sent me a message saying happy birthday. I was surprised but ignored it. In December he messaged again saying he had sent some money for them. Again ignored, a few days later he asked if I had received it, so obviously hoping for a conversation but again I left it. On NYE he text me to say happy new year, again I ignored, he then called me at midnight on nye but I didn’t answer. A few weeks later he messaged asking if everything was ok, then that brings me to a few weeks ago on their birthday he sent some money and where you put in the reference he wrote “call me please” I only just noticed this yesterday when going through my bank statement.

I am not going to contact him but am I doing the right thing? Would you find out what he wants or just leave it?

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 15/04/2020 19:21

Ignore and block some more.

Maybe a new mn phrase??.. Grin

OhNoNoNoNotThatOne · 15/04/2020 19:22

Could you just send him a text reminding him he said no contact unless and emergency? You don't need to ask him what he wants, and you don't have to reply after that.

However I am extremely nosey, so probably not the best person for this kind of advice.

HollowTalk · 15/04/2020 19:24

Ignore him.

Is he paying regular CM?

FlaskMaster · 15/04/2020 19:25

No I absolutely wouldn't contact him or engage at all after him ghosting and dropping the kids like that. If he wants to see the kids he can go to court and prove to them he's not a complete dickhead (which will be hard because he is). If he wants anything else he can just fuck off.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 19:25

I’ve changed my number now which is why I guess he put it on the reference when he sent the money into my bank. He has paid £300 in 9 months the two payments that he sent were £150 each. He doesn’t pay maintenance other than that so it’s not a regular thing.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 15/04/2020 19:26

The mind boggles. I assume he was a good partner up until he left, otherwise you wouldn't have had 4 kids with him.

He sounds useless..but I would remind him what he says about NC.

Does he contact you from different numbers every time?

Original poster
PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 19:29

No it wasn’t a different number but I’ve since changed my number so he can’t contact me.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 15/04/2020 19:39

If you haven't moved house etc then I would ignore it.

It is easy to send a text, bank transfer what isnt easy is explaining to your children why it is that their dad couldn't care less.

He is texting you to make him self feel better about being a terrible dad. Ignore him, he isn't a child, you don't have to explain basics to him, he knows he is a loser.

Until he makes a sustained, meaningful attempt to act like a good dad, do not put yourself or your children through it.

Thingsdogetbetter · 15/04/2020 19:48

Have you got his email address? Does he know yours? Does he know your address? 'Odd' that he's putting the onus onto you to make the contact.

I certainly won't be giving him my new phone number so he can call and text infrequently when he gets bored or the tiny bit of conscience he has kicks in!

If he suddenly wants contact he'd be setting up a monthly dd, and go through court. He wouldn't need to talk to you. More likely it's part of his victim narrative to a new gf!

Can I ask why you didn't claim maintenance? Although I would assume he doesn't work or fiddled his taxes so it would have been pointless.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 19:55

Yes he knows where I live, I’m not sure he would just turn up though, he lives 2 hours away so very unlikely. I do have a case with CMS but he doesn’t have to pay maintenance because he has “priority debts” so he legally doesn’t have to pay.

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 15/04/2020 20:05

I spent years double parenting mine and covering for their dad's lack of interest. I, like you, wanted what was best for my kids i believed, wrongly, that it was important that they had both.

What is important is that the actions match the reality. So if he cba with his children, don't cover for him, it just confuses them. I'm not saying bad mouth him, just don't try to fill in all the gaps for him.

They get to an age where they can see clearly and if you have been compensating they can get angry at you. Its a horrible situation.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 21:19

Thank you hopefully they do as I feel that they resent me for not having a dad. Dd especially, I don’t want him to say to them when they are older that he tried and I ignored him or whatever! I dread to think about when they are older now we have SM so he will be able
To contact them himself and I can’t stop it.

OP posts:
maginachevalier · 16/04/2020 01:05

I think you should find out what he wants , not only for your peace of mind but also to have proof just in case he uses it against you tomorrow. Maybe this pandemic has made him réalisé life is short and he should start being a better dad . Better late than never. He may not deserve a chance but you would be doing it for them not you .

Serenity45 · 16/04/2020 01:10

I'd ignore OP he sounds like a useless prick and a crap father

SandyY2K · 16/04/2020 01:22

So if he really wanted, he could write you a letter. I can.see why you don't want to respond....

I can't understand him saying he doesn't want to see them, but let him know if there's an emergency. Why is he bothered.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 01:38

I think it’s because when he got back in contact last year my dd had just had an accident which meant she had to go to hospital, he got in contact shortly after so knew about the accident so I think that’s what made him say that if there is an emergency I can contact him but why would I? It would be like contacting a stranger. My youngest is 2 almost 3 and he has seen her twice. Part of me does want to know what he wants as it is bugging me but the other side of me knows he has had way too many chances and nothing will change with him, he’s had many opportunities over the years. The last time he spoke to me he was absolutely vile and said some really awful things.

OP posts:
Luckybe40 · 16/04/2020 01:53

There’s your answer then. If he can’t treat you with not even the tiniest bit of respect then...they can’t interact with you. Did he have an affair?

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 01:58

No we broke up because of his mental health.

OP posts:
Shadowdoor21 · 16/04/2020 02:03

His cluster b personality disorder you mean? xD

Yeh, never contact him again. He is a horrible shit and all those little 'message me' notes are just him trying to get an 'in' to hurt you again to feed his ego.

NeneValley · 16/04/2020 02:09

If he wants to step up properly now, you both could organise child access officially, after first seeing a mediator of course. In mediation you may learn his real reasons for wanting to see his children more.

My ex stopped seeing the kids once I stopped paying his petrol to drive here, and stopped accommodating him in my home for a week or more at a time. His visits always coincided with bulky eBay purchases he had to deliver or collect in my part of the country, and usually ended with the police being called out for DV.
His reasons were never children inspired. He now hasn’t seen/spoken/contacted/financially supported them since 2012.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 08:42

I guess I will never find out what he wanted as I’m not going to give him another chance to see them. When he saw them last year once! Then disappeared again I had to explain to them why their father only saw them once and didn’t want to see them anymore. It really affected them and I can’t do that again.

OP posts:
category12 · 16/04/2020 08:50

He could write to you if he wanted, he knows where you live. I don't think that you should follow up.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 08:55

Tbh I don’t think he knows my address, he would know how to get here but I don’t think he knows the address, I moved around the time we broke up. Definitely going to leave it just wondered if I was doing the right thing

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 16/04/2020 09:04

Honestly,
I agree don’t give him another chance, he’s made his choice. But there is a huge spectrum of communication. It’s not just a choice between all or nothing when your ex is the parent of your DCs. The level of communication can be anywhere in between.

For simple things like confirming receipt of money I would respond. That is just common courtesy. You’d do it with a stranger you’re paying over PayPal or by bank transfer, so why not to him?

And yes, last time you had a conversation he said only contact him in emergency but that does not seem to be working as he probably did not mean that to include just a quick response saying you got money.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 09:10

WHy should I confirm I got his money? He doesn’t pay any child maintenance and hasn’t in 3 years, he has sent £300 in the 9 months since I haven’t spoken to him, for 4 children. And that’s only when he has felt like it, before that he didn’t pay anything. I can’t even child child maintenance of him, it’s common courtesy to pay for the kids that you made, I want nothing to do with him. Why can I only contact him on his terms? Maybe I should tell him to only
Contact ME in an emergency.

OP posts:
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