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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Would you find out what he wants?

87 replies

PumpkinP · 15/04/2020 19:19

I have 4 children with my ex. He doesn’t see them and that is his choice, hasn’t seen them in 3 years apart from
Once a year ago when he contacted me asking to see them again, saw them ONCE then told me that actually he doesn’t want to see them anymore Confused . That was a year ago as I said. After that I deleted him off WhatsApp and left it, decided that he has had his chances and I will never contact him again (oh he also told me not to contact him again, only if it was an emergency then I could contact Hmm ) it was my birthday 2 months after blocking him and he sent me a message saying happy birthday. I was surprised but ignored it. In December he messaged again saying he had sent some money for them. Again ignored, a few days later he asked if I had received it, so obviously hoping for a conversation but again I left it. On NYE he text me to say happy new year, again I ignored, he then called me at midnight on nye but I didn’t answer. A few weeks later he messaged asking if everything was ok, then that brings me to a few weeks ago on their birthday he sent some money and where you put in the reference he wrote “call me please” I only just noticed this yesterday when going through my bank statement.

I am not going to contact him but am I doing the right thing? Would you find out what he wants or just leave it?

OP posts:
PlanDeRaccordement · 16/04/2020 10:57

“he has been sectioned several times since we have broken up (I don’t know how many for sure but twice I know of) and had an adult social worker at one point (not sure if that is still the case) he told me he was getting pip a year ago”

Then he’s been getting help for years. Adult social workers don’t appear on your doorstep out of nowhere. A doctor has to refer you for one.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 10:57

He can say I prevented contact but I’ve got all the messages from him saved where he tells me he wants nothing to do with them, that they were a mistake, that I tricked him into having them, that he will never be a dad, and that I can call him a dead beat as much as I want because he doesn’t give a shit and will never take responsibility.

OP posts:
Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 11:00

The police were called on him and he was sectioned. I don’t know what prompted the police to be called. They then started sending social workers to his house when he was released

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 16/04/2020 11:05

Continue to ignore him. He gives nothing that benefits the children.

He's made his choices, he can live with them.

You're doing the right thing putting your DC first.

Pay no mind to people expecting you to sympathize with him. The well-being of your DC take priority over his issues every tme.

category12 · 16/04/2020 11:05

Isn't there a difference between seeking help and having help thrust upon you? To be a tad facetious.

It's understandable that OP resents her ex and wants to protect her dc from the chaos and harm he may (and has) caused them. I would not invite further contact from him by responding to his minor overture of the money, in her place.

WorriedMum6868 · 16/04/2020 11:06

He sounds like an utter shit bag. Do not contact him. Ignore and block. He is no father to your children....he is a dick who abandoned them. They dont need his intermittent presence in their lives

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/04/2020 11:13

Yes, your children’s MH is the priority absolutely. That’s why it’s best he stays out of their lives.

But consider telling them about him being disabled due to MH and so not able to be a proper dad to them. Otherwise, they may be hurting thinking they are unlovable and unworthy which is why dad left not only you, but them as well.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 11:17

Of course I’m resentful to him , I gave birth alone, I came home and looked after a newborn plus 3 other kids under 7, alone after a csection, and oldest has autism. I’ve been doing it alone for the past 3 years. I don’t have help from family. He knows I’ve been doing it totally alone. I tried to sympathise with him when we were together but he took it out on me, it was “my fault” he had MH problems, I got the worst of it as he thought I wasn’t a real person and that I was tricking him Confused . I only let him see them again after the first year as he begged, said that he had got help for his MH but when he saw them again it was very clear that he was still unwell. The second time he saw them again was just the once and I was mad at myself for allowing him to do it again, I said to him last time why did you even come back if you weren’t going to see them again and he said “well I didn’t exactly sneak back in, it’s you that needs me”

OP posts:
LucyLovesCheese · 16/04/2020 11:18

I would set up a new seperate email address to find out what he could possibly have the nerve to say- no phone contact then you can keep the email and decide if you want to respond.
You are doing the right thing by not allowing him to keep popping in and out of your kids lives.

ChristmasFluff · 16/04/2020 12:00

Contacting him will only give him another chance to mess with your head, as well as your children's. You all deserve peace from him

Ignore him.

Aerial2020 · 16/04/2020 12:14

His needs is not the issue here for you, it is the children's.
I would do it all formally from now on for any child contact arrangements, distance yourself from his needs.
Untangle yourself from him, it is only about the children for you.
Maybe try some counselling for yourself to work through what you have been through.
Save your energy for being the parent that is there.

Divebar · 16/04/2020 12:37

Let’s assume he’s had some treatment and is feeling better. He feels bad about what happened and wants to make amends or wants to build a relationship with his children ( as has been suggested). What would your actions be? How much effort would you make? I’m fairly sure my DH would walk 500 miles through artic blizzards to get to our DD if she needed him. No amount of discomfort or inconvenience would be too much. He certainly would manage to get a letter to me in which he explained his position and how much he wanted things to improve or be different. So what’s he done? Added a “ call me” to a payment? Even if you set aside the lack of maintenance and contact why isn’t he demonstrating how desperately sorry he is or keen to build a relationship with his children ( maybe via a friend or family member if he isn’t mobile himself). He hasn’t because he’s not bothered. So don’t attach meaning to the lack of money attach it to his in-action and apparent disinterest.

Divebar · 16/04/2020 12:38

Emailing would be great evidence to.... either with what he writes or doesn’t bother to write

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 14:55

That’s true he hasn’t really made much of an attempt. I’m pretty sure he has my email address as I’ve emailed him before. I have no reason to believe treatment would change anything as he was having treatment the last time we spoke (injections) I think he thinks that if he clicks his fingers I will run. I can’t keep giving endless chances it’s messing with their heads. After he left the last time dd became obsessed with getting a new dad, it was so bad she kept asking me to meet someone so she could have a new dad. Asking at school for the teachers to be her dad etc.

OP posts:
Aerial2020 · 16/04/2020 15:43

And that's what's most important to you right now, your children's welfare.
How heartbreaking and upsetting for your children.
If you keep it to emails and formal contact arrangements then if he breaks it, your children will see when they grow up you did all you could.
Keep your energy focused on you and your children. His mental health needs, his life, his reasons/excuses are non of your concern right now. All that matters is your children's (and yours needs)
Keep focused on that.
You can offer contact formally but you can't make him see his kids. That is down to him.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 17:34

I've completely decided I'm doing the right thing in not contacting him. I'm not going to tell them he doesn't see them because of his mental health as I don't believe that is true, if he had said to me you know what I love them and i wish I could be in their lives but I can't and maybe one day when they are older I can see them again then fair enough but the hasnt. So his told me is that he will never be a dad or "step up" he takes no responsibility as it was "my choice to keep them ". I will tell them that maybe he will explain when they are older why he wasn't in their lives and that I don't know what his reasons are.

OP posts:
Windyatthebeach · 16/04/2020 17:41

My ex walked away when dd was 2. Tried to worm his way back via my dm when dd was 7. Rang him to tell him to jog on basically..
Dd contacted him at 21. He claimed he had spent years looking for her..
My dm lived at the same address as ever..
Dd dumped him a few years later.. Agreed he was a loser and she had no regrets he hadn't been around.
Never once blamed me for keeping him away.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 17:51

Thanks Windyatthebeach that's reassuring. I honestly don't think they will blame me, they are old enough to see he has never been bothered. where was he on Christmas, birthdays , paren ts evenings, When they were sick. When I had to tell my son he's dad wouldn't be back again last year he just looked at me and shrugged and said "he does it all the time" whose to say they will even want to know him when they are older. You can't keep giving someone chances and if it really is a global pandemic that's made him realise he has kids then that says it all really .

OP posts:
Electrical · 16/04/2020 18:07

plan personality disorders are not mental health illnesses, but they can cause MH problems in the persons victims. Personality disorders are not treatable, they are entirely a different type of thing to mental health issues. A person can have a MH issue and also still be a piece of shit, it’s not mutually exclusive, this bloke is a deadbeat, happy enough and able enough to impregnate his ex over and and over and over and over, happy enough to break his offsprings hearts and treat his ex with contempt, the fact he also has some kind of health issue is a separate thing to his child abandonment and general shiteness.

PlanDeRaccordement · 16/04/2020 19:12

Electrical,
A personality disorder is a major mental health issue. They also make you more likely to have a mental illness as well. And by saying that being shitty is not mutually exclusive and then listing behaviours caused by a PD. I’ve seen many on MN who share your ableist and outdated opinion though. You are stuck in the 1990s when society thought people with PDs were lazy at best and evil at worst.

www.mentalhealth.org.uk/a-to-z/p/personality-disorders
“A PD affects how an individual copes with life, how they manage emotions and connect with other people. People with a PD may find that their beliefs and attitudes are different from most people who may find their behaviour unusual, unexpected or even offensive at times. As a result, individuals with PD’smay have difficulties with:

making or maintaining relationships
connecting with other people, including friends, family or work colleagues
managing and controlling their emotions
coping with life and difficult feelings
controlling their behaviours and impulses.”

“For someone experiencing a personality disorder (PD) these difficulties are ongoing and problematic, negatively affecting their well-being, mental health and relationships with others...PD can often go unrecognised and undiagnosed for a long time.....Individuals with these disorders are at a higher risk of suicide , with higher levels of self-harm and drug/ alcohol abuse being reported by individuals as methods of coping with these difficult and overwhelming emotions and feelings. There is also a higher risk of experiencing other mental health conditions, such as depression, with PD’s....Due to the complexity and impact of these disorders there is growing acknowledgment that PD’s are a major mental health issue that needs further attention and investment within mental health....PD’s are incredibly complex mental health conditions and the causes are still not fully known. Possible causes include trauma in early childhood such as abuse, violence, inadequate parenting and neglect. There is growing evidence that neurological and genetic factors may play a part in the development of these disorders.”

itaintthatdeeep · 16/04/2020 19:27

Op I'll tell you why he's contacting you
A) because he can
B) because he's bored
C) because he felt bad of a second ( about himself not what he's taking for his dc's)
D) it's a PATTERN OF BEHAVIOUR, normally you evidently communicate with him so he's just waiting and if you don't - POOR HIM HES TRYING TO BE A DAD BUT YOU STOPPED HIM.

Carry on with what your doing, your dc will be fine. I made my exh be apart of his dc's life forever trying to involve him and it drove me crazy at times. I've stopped now - ds is 15 and the other ds is 12.
They see him at most as a mate and 15 ds said well at least of I do get someone pregnant df taught me how to avoid CMS!
Other than that he hasn't taught me anything.

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 21:36

oh he is definitely use to me always responding, this is the first time I've said enough is enough. He probably thought I would be so happy when he called me on nye God knows what he was expecting, I blocked him in august! The people saying give him a chance don't realise I've given him many, how many more? It shouldn't take a global pandemic to want to be a dad. Back in august I promised myself I would never speak to him again.

I don't know much about his M H he said it was psychosis . Although I believe it is schizophrenia but then I'm not a doctor!

OP posts:
Heartburn888 · 16/04/2020 21:51

Have you posted this before I’m sure I have read this before?

Original poster
PumpkinP · 16/04/2020 21:55

I've posted about my ex before yes, probably at the time last year. I have not posted about this occasion as it only happened a month ago (though I only saw the message a couple of days ago) I haven't got many people irl to discuss this with so want to be sure I'm doing the right thing by staying nc.

OP posts:
Ragglesnaggle · 17/04/2020 07:10

He's probably feeling sorry for himself during lockdown so thinks he deserves to be back within the bosom of his family.

Fuck that, he's treated you and the children like shit. You reap what you did sow.

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