Would you find out what he wants?

[PumpkinP]

I have 4 children with my ex. He doesn’t see them and that is his choice, hasn’t seen them in 3 years apart from
Once a year ago when he contacted me asking to see them again, saw them ONCE then told me that actually he doesn’t want to see them anymore . That was a year ago as I said. After that I deleted him off WhatsApp and left it, decided that he has had his chances and I will never contact him again (oh he also told me not to contact him again, only if it was an emergency then I could contact ) it was my birthday 2 months after blocking him and he sent me a message saying happy birthday. I was surprised but ignored it. In December he messaged again saying he had sent some money for them. Again ignored, a few days later he asked if I had received it, so obviously hoping for a conversation but again I left it. On NYE he text me to say happy new year, again I ignored, he then called me at midnight on nye but I didn’t answer. A few weeks later he messaged asking if everything was ok, then that brings me to a few weeks ago on their birthday he sent some money and where you put in the reference he wrote “call me please” I only just noticed this yesterday when going through my bank statement.

I am not going to contact him but am I doing the right thing? Would you find out what he wants or just leave it?

He’s tasted life on the greener side and realised it’s not a good as he thought!!

Wants to come back ??

I wouldn’t be surprised if it was that tbh, he was literally vile the last time we spoke, said he would never have anything to do with them again, that he will never be a dad or step up, basically accused me of “tricking” him into having all 4 and said he would never take responsibility. I would rather send the money back than confirm I received it, it’s a control thing imo as you wouldn’t confirm you received cm, he wants to only pay if and when he decides and the only time he has has been Xmas and their birthdays, he must think kids are free the rest of the year.

Do you know his address? Maybe you could send him a letter outlining to only contact you in an emergency and to go through child access for anything related to the children.

You could also detail how difficult the children found the last contact and subsequent lack of and remind him of how he spoke to you and let him know you'd rather have nothing to do with him but you'd be happy to support court approved access if he wants to shape up as an adequate father to his children.

“can’t even child child maintenance of him, it’s common courtesy to pay for the kids that you made, ”

Well yes, but you already said that he can’t because he has higher priority debt. There is a difference between not being willing to pay and not being able to pay. You can’t say he’s not abiding by common courtesy when he’s genuinely not able to/the courts have agreed he’s not able to.

Again, it is my opinion you should at least confirm that you received money from him when he sends it and asks. You are able to reply, so you should still abide by common courtesy you’d extend to a stranger.

It was his personality disorder that caused you to break up and makes him an unsuitable father. To a certain extent, a personality disorder is not within his control. There are psychiatric hospitals that take patients for months at a time because their personality disorders drive them to sabotage relationships, self harm, suicidal behaviour, etc. It makes sense to not have him in the children’s lives as he is so unstable, I get that. It’s the right choice for you. But treating him worse than a stranger is punishing him too harshly I think because people don’t choose to have a personality disorder or MH problems.

Obviously it’s your choice, and that’s just my opinion.

I would honestly send the money back rather than confirm, you don’t confirm when you receive child maintenance? He didn’t work or claimed benefits for the first 2 years, he only recently started claiming UC (the last year) when they told me that due to priority debts he doesn’t have to pay, but what was he doing the two years before that? He isn’t paying because he doesn’t want to, he told me he would never get a job again, so he never intends to pay. He broke up with me btw I didn’t break up with him.

And MH isn’t an excuse to disown your children.

Lol 'people dont choose to have a personality disorder' awww yeah diddums, the poor sociopath.

Sadly it sounds as though your kids are better off without him.
Just curious , what debts could be higher priority than CM ?
Personally I never had a penny in maintenance and found CMS to be rubbish , I've also known a couple who came to their own arrangement and he always paid then CMS got involved and changed the amounts to less !

I agree with those who say block and forget. He has effectively done that with his kids, he is an utter loser.

Sorry, but I think you're wrong. Yes, he has behaved badly in the past, but surely if he wants to see the children that is a good thing. Perhaps his mental health has improved, perhaps he has just grown up a bit, perhaps your daughter's accident and the current COVID 19 crisis have given up a bit of a wake-up call and made him reassess his priorities. Surely this is a case of 'better late than never'?

It sounds to me that you are thinking more about what you want, than about your children might want. You want nothing more to do with him, which I understand, but is that what your children would want? I think you owe it to them to find out what he wants. I'm not necessarily saying you should agree to any contact at this stage (though presumably he could get it by going through the courts) but at least respond to his contact.

I understand that you want to protect them from future disappointment but can't think helping that if I was one of your children I would feel very resentful if I found out later in life that my father had been trying to re-establish contact with me and my mother had blocked it.

Why is he contacting you but no attempt to see his children? Or does his mental health only apply to being able to contact you and not his kids?
Even if he can't pay for debt for whatever reason, he can still ask to see the kids.
The damage this will be having on the children is huge.
I think you're doing th best you can in the circumstances. Don't excuse him anymore.

A. He's not really trying to make contact. If he was, there are other things he could attempt.
B. He did his children a lot of emotional harm last time he started contact and then rejected them.

It is worse for a child to go through cycles of contact/rejection than it is to have a completely absent father. It's wrong to repeatedly put them in that position.

Yeah exactly, mh isn’t an excuse for bad behaviour. He has refused to get help for years, plenty of parents have mh issues and don’t disown their kids and refuse to pay. I don’t know what the priority debts are, all I know is for 2 years he didn’t pay a penny and cms said he wasn’t working or claiming benefits. A year ago I got a letter from cms to say he had started claiming benefits and was due to pay £7 per week, it never happened so I chased it up and cms told me that they couldn’t tell me why but he UC was refusing to send over the payments. I put 2 and 2 together and decided that it must be because he is claiming pip because apparently they can’t take maintenance from pip. Only recently I got another letter saying again he was due to pay but they hadn't received the payment so I called cms to rant at them about his pip but the woman told me that wasn’t the reason and that she can’t tell me what they are just that he has priority debts and UC will only take a certain percentage off him (think 30%) and if they are already doing that then they won’t take maintenance off him aswell, I’ve looked into it and their are about 15 debts that come before child maintenance, I would guess that it’s rent arrears or council tax, poor guy hey! Can’t afford to
Pay for his kids because he won’t pay his bills. 🙄 probably from the two years of not working or claiming benefits catching up with him

Hes had many chances, this wouldn’t be the first. How many should I give him? He broke up with me when I was pregnant, missed his daughters birth and was meant to see her when she was 5 days old. He just never showed up. And never contacted me again until she was a year old, he then came back again and seen her then went again, then a year later he came back again, seen them once then left again, said he doesn’t want to be a dad. So how many chances should I give him? It’s really messed with them, especially the oldest. Do you know how hard it was for them to get over seeing them once then disappearing again. In all honesty I don’t think THEY will want to see him again either

So he is disabled then? PIP is very hard to get for MH disabilities. You sound very judgemental of people who are disabled by MH. By saying

“Can’t afford to Pay for his kids because he won’t pay his bills. 🙄 probably from the two years of not working or claiming benefits catching up with him”

You seem to not even want to admit that he was too sick to work due to his MH. It’s not a case of “won’t pay” but “can’t pay.” Again people do not choose to have MH disorders or personality disorders. For the most part, it is something done to them by abuse, trauma or it’s genetically inherited. And yes, being disabled by MH does excuse bad behaviours related to whatever their disorders are.

I'd send a formal email or letter as above stating he should only contact you in case of emergency and that if he wants contact he will need to go through court because of previous missed contact.

That way you have proof that you didn't 'stop' him from seeing the kids for when they're older but he's 99% not going to do it

Shadowdoor
“Lol 'people dont choose to have a personality disorder' awww yeah diddums, the poor sociopath”

That is disgustingly ableist comment. I have schizophrenia and no I did not choose to have it because it’s genetic you ignorant idiot and no I cannot control what I do or say when it’s active.

He said he got pip last time we spoke, he has mental health issues. I’m aware you can claim it for that. I don’t have any sympathy for him so I don’t care. I don’t think there is any excuse to treat your children the way he has.

He won’t go to court. I know he never would. That’s a good item about the email. If he wants to see them he can go through court (but he won’t)

“He has refused to get help for years, ”

Bullshit. There is no way he would have gotten PIP without extensive specialist doctors reports. You can’t just say you have MH problems but have never seen a doctor to get help AND get PIP.

He refused to believe anything was wrong for years. I don’t want to say too much because it is outing but he has been sectioned several times since we have broken up (I don’t know how many for sure but twice I know of) and had an adult social worker at one point (not sure if that is still the case) he told me he was getting pip a year ago, being sectioned would probably be a hell of a lot of proof!

Ignore the posters who are telling you that you are wrong and focusing on this man's needs. Contact is all about the best interests of the child, not to meet an adult's needs. The sporadic contact that your children have had with their dad has been a negative experience for them and has left them unsettled and feeling confused and let down. He has never demonstrated a meaningful commitment to contact and there is no evidence that he will provide them with consistent contact now. If he was serious about having a relationship with his children, he would pursue this in the right way. But he hasn't.

And there is a big difference between having MH issues and being disabled by MH and claiming PIP. It’s like a twisted ankle is a walking issue but a far cry from missing a leg.

I’m NOT saying he should have more chances at all. I am just saying that you are being petty and vindictive to blame him for his disabilities. You keep saying he “refuses to pay” when it is clear the truth is that he “cannot pay”, And maybe a part of him realises that a person disabled with MH would be wise to stay away from children so he does not inadvertently hurt them. If you had a serious MH disorder you couldn’t control and hurt the people around you that love you, would you want to inflict that on your children, or would it be better to stay away and just watch them grow up from a distance raised by a loving ex?

I don’t see any valid rationale as to why he deserves to be treated worse than a stranger.

When your children grow up he may contact them and say you prevented contact by not replying

Yeh I’m more concerned about my children’s MH tbh. It’s affected them badly and they are my only concern. I don’t think there is any excuse to not pay for your kids but that’s my opinion, they don’t live off fresh air. I can only say what he told me about claiming pip. I have no reason to doubt he is claiming it when that is what he said he was doing. His Social worker probably helped him.