Why do I have no real friends?

[AlwaysAllegra]

I've often wondered this since I was about 12 years old. But it seems the older I get the quantity and quality of my friendships decline and have become non-existent. My DH, DM, DD and DB all say it is down to jealousy, but surely it must be more?
I have always been quite insecure, I have strong morals and ethics, I own 3 properties and a lovely car, most people tell me I'm very pretty/attractive, I don't drink or smoke, I'm slim(ish), I've got a masters degree and I've started my own law firm business. Since starting my own business most of my friends have been really unsupportive, not recommending me, liking my business page etc even though I've text and asked if they could to help promote my business. But it hasn't just been that, I can honestly look around and say that not one of my friends is truly happy for me or supportive and I wish I had an amazing BF like others do.
I'm the person everyone comes to for advise, help or a problem but after sending everyone a Happy Easter WhatsApp, no one got back to me and I just realised I have no friends... Does anyone have any advice? Thanks

I think some of the responses that say 'oh you sound fine' etc may be kind and well-intentioned, but probably not that helpful. If the OP is dissatisfied with her friendships, then the only way to change that is to change her approach.
I think it's very difficult to offer constructive advice on the strength of what you say about your personality and how you see yourself, because most of the time this will be very different from how other people see you. I know that many of my friends would describe me as strong, assertive, confident etc and in my own view I am NONE of those things, but having had the same descriptors applied to me by different sets of friends/colleagues/acquaintances over the years I am forced to accept that this is clearly how I come across! Have you thought about asking some of your friends what 3 words they would choose to describe you? This would be a quick way to identify how you come across to other people without having a lengthy heart to heart and without eliciting a sympathy type fake response. Frame it as a 'this might be fun' question. The results might really surprise you and give you a clearer idea of what it is that prevents you from forming the close bonds that you would like.

I would agree with a PP that there are often 'categories' of friends- people you go out drinking with (or big nights out, in whatever form), people you might go to cultural events or do hobbies with, people you do favours for and invite over for casual dinners at home, etc etc etc. The thing is, the majority of adult friendships are quite casual and superficial. I think a deep friendship where you could rely on that person for significant support over a period of time or call them at 3am with a crisis situation is RARE. If you have one or two of these people in your life then you are lucky and doing well. Most friendships are social.
I wouldn't be too upset by people not liking your business page. I dont believe its any indicator of whether they like you or care about you. Also replying to messages is very much dependent on the individual - some people reply right away to everyone, some take days, some hardly ever reply at all. I don't think that is a very reliable indicator of a friendship either, if the message was a general 'Happy Easter' that didn't require or invite an immediate response.

In general, to have friends you have to be a good friend. Do you accept the majority of social invitations? Do you reliably show up to events when you say you will? If you dont say yes and show up most of the time, people will stop asking in my experience. Also, you have to be more positive than negative for people to want to be around you. Think about the things that come out of your mouth and try to hear them as a third party would. Do you say negative things - including about yourself? If so, stop altogether. Make yourself a promise to only say positive things for a whole week. This was a big thing for me, and I still have to make a conscious effort with it. I often re-read texts and emails before sending them to check myself because I know I am very critical and that negativity comes over 10 x stronger to the listener.
As for not feeling close to people,a PP mentioned getting closer to a colleague after breaking down in front of her. This sort of thing does build bonds I think. Confiding in people, letting them in and sharing your deeper thoughts. Do you think there is a possibility that you come across as a bit cold? I am aware that people find me a bit stand-offish when it comes to physical displays of affection like hugs and cheek kisses. I actually LOVE cuddles but I don't initiate them often because it isn't a habit for me (very cold and affectionate parents and I was never hugged or cuddled as a child). Every now and then I make an effort to hug my closer friends just to avoid the chasm of coldness getting too big!

It is 100% within your power to turn this around, if you want to. Building and maintaining friendships is an effort, though, and you have to be realistic that most friends wont be BFFs.

Gosh that was an essay, sorry - this is just something that really resonates with me because I had the exact same spiritual epiphany as you OP when I was about 22. I did turn it around though, and I'm glad I did.
I just wanted to add that the jealousy thing is ared herring. There are dozens and dozens of beautiful, successful, rich people out there who are also popular. This isn't what is causing your issues. You need to work out what the real blocker is, then you can solve it.

You can turn this around Op. I've always had good friends myself but I'm a decent listener and a chatty sort. But when I was separating, I found I had no one I could confide in at the time. I met a small group and was there for one when she was going through a health issue and she ended up welcoming me into her group properly and I've made great friends in them. New people, clean slate I think for you. It's not about money, weight etc, it's being emotionally available I think/likeable.

I would not like or recommend a friends law practise
Your profession could be quite different to you as a friend, how would they know you professionally it is quite different.
It's not telling" it's taboo respect that.

You’re getting an unjustly hard time - you clearly listed your accolades to show why pp might be jealous- I think your family are probably right.
I agree with everything @WardrobeTeddy said .

Also focus is on what you have, join a few clubs & just be yourself .

We are lead to believe we need to be surrounded by women & be popular. I’ve found many pp are jealous & enjoy seeing others struggle.
If you can count on one hand a few pp who you trust & enjoy the company of consider it a success.

@emsyj37 I don’t think this is great advice and while I’m delighted it worked for you I wouldn’t be using a lot of it.

Always taking up the invite to social occasions incase you don’t get asked again....?
Be positive not negative?
Be warm? Be emotional...
But some people are colder by nature , more stern and negative , sharp. Some people are quiet ... it takes all sorts .

Be yourself!! Don’t put unnecessary pressure for anyone ever.
A good friend will understand if you can’t make things etc .
If they don’t like you warts and all that’s cool- others will.

Op, I will be pulled apart for this by other posters but my words are for you.
Have you ever looked at aspergers traits in women, and if you did, would you consider you might have some of those traits?
I would offer it as a possible avenue to consider. A lot of my friends and I are spectrummy and we would perhaps describe ourselves and our lives similarly

Right back at you @sauvignonblancplz! I enjoy having lots of friends and a wide social circle. I'm much happier that way. I am being myself, I am simply self-aware enough to recognise my own failings and try not to let them hold me back. I dont want to be a negative person or come across as such, so I am careful to watch my words so as not to give the wrong impression. That's all. The OP was asking why she might not be forming close 'BFF' type friendships, and I gave my advice and opinion. I'm sure she is more than intelligent and capable enough to decide for herself whether any of it is likely to be useful or not.

FWIW I will repeat though that jealousy is a red herring here. If you struggle with friendships then jealousy will never be the reason. There will always be the odd person who feels threatened by someone very beautiful, or very clever, or very wealthy - but they are the minority, not the norm. If you as an individual (and I dont mean you personally, I mean a generic 'one') have issues getting along with people then ultimately you have to look at what the common denominator is. And it's not 'everyone else'.

The other thing is to look at what sort of friendships you can realistically develop in your situation and if you think it's worth the work.

Between uni and the new mum stage I didn't make any new friends. I was desperate for a while but then realised that adult friendships seemed to be a lot of hard work for crap results. Yes I could go to all those awkward meet ups and spend loads of time with people I didn't really gel with and maybe after enough time I'd get a bunch of half hearted acquaintance friends out of it. I decided it just wasn't worth the effort.

@emsyj37 We’ll have to agree to disagree . On all fronts .
But like I say everyone is different , that’s what makes you happy you go for it.

OP I nearly wrote a post like this last night OP

I’m also a lawyer, in my mid 30s, haven’t got any living children (but would love some) and I feel like I haven’t got any close friends.

I have friends but, like you, I often feel like I’m the one making the effort. I don’t have a BFF. That’s a really child like term but lots of my friends do have a best friend. And it’s not me.

Like PPs have said, many of these friendships were formed at school or Uni and I’m not sure how easy it is to make good friends.

I don’t believe you don’t have friends because people are jealous. I think it’s more likely people wouldn’t be friends with someone successful if they talked a lot about what they have and what they’ve achieved and how great they think they are. It’s even more likely that there are other reasons you don’t have many friends and they’re probably nothing to do with what you do professionally or what you own.

I personally have made a decision to value the friendships I have but not to chase my friends. I have friends who mostly message me when I message them. They of message me and we meet for lunch or dinner every couple of months but I just don’t text them so much.

I did however receive texts back from anyone I messaged to wish a happy Easter so that makes me wonder who these people are and what your relationship is that they don’t even text you back.

The thing about that is many people do not celebrate Easter and might not have known how to respond to that

Are you quite a social person with a lot of contacts? Maybe your "friends" are intimidated by your success or presume you have plenty other friends...

... or it's just a good old jealousy, people are people, you know.

Why mention your 3 houses? That's a huge clue there. No one wants to be friends with a braggart. You sound like you want "friends" the same way you might want a new car.

Stop talking about what you have and how amazing you are. Start listening to people and honestly giving a fuck about their lives and what's important to them. Practise keeping your mouth shut when you think of something judgemental.

You are probably a black and white thinker. Most people don't want to be around someone who speaks in declarative statements.

Ask me how I know!

Have you ever thought you might be autistic?

You say you're a good listener, then you describe yourself as opinionated. I find people who are very opinionated are not good listeners, sometimes you don't want an opinion just an ear.
I feel smothered by very opinionated people, if you are confiding in them you can see them gritting their teeth bursting with advice.

I do wonder if you are focusing on your status eg your homes and business and comparing it to others. You describe the circumstances of all your friends eg what type of homes they own or live in whereas if I described my friends, that wouldn’t figure at all if I was summing them up. I would just say what type of person they are.

Hi I'm going off this post now. I appreciate a lot of these messages, some have shown a great deal of support, unity and others have given me an entirely different perspective and food for thought. However, some of the comments have now turned a bit mean and to be honest I just wanted some help, there's no need to personally attack me. If I've offended you, I apologise and I've not said for one moment that my life is perfect. I can't ask my friends for advice in this instance, I've asked my possibly slightly biased family and then I've come on here and received some helpful comments and now some of you ladies have just been a bit nasty. Take care everyone.

Wishing you the best of luck OP, it’s such s shame when threads turn like that 💐

Wishing you luck too, people can be really mean about this sort of thing

Maybe a lot of women having mega PMS all cooped up

Joining a hobby you enjoy will help to meet like minded people.
It is not unusual to have a few if no friends as we get older, everyone is busy, I have 3 sisters so I probably have neglected friendships. It is definitely harder for old friends who don't have close siblings.
There is someone for everyone, you sound really nice.

Don’t worry AlwaysAllegra. Try not to see it as a mystery. It is what it is. If they’ve not responded to you reaching out, they’re not friends.

People connect with others by remembering how you made them feel. And you should judge a friendship about how you feel when you have left them.

You having “a lovely car, 3 properties, being very pretty and slim(ish) with a Masters etc” is irrelevant unless you want a shallow, materialistic, one-up-manship friendship group.

Are you aware how you make your “friends” feel? How do you want them to feel?

Where did you meet these “friends” and how do they make you feel about yourself?

You mentioned a DD in your OP was that a typo?

We are lead to believe we need to be surrounded by women & be popular. I’ve found many pp are jealous & enjoy seeing others struggle.

Maybe a lot of women having mega PMS all cooped up

Both of these comments say far more about the commenter than about either the OP or the specific posts they're referring to, and none of it good.