Why do I have no real friends?

[AlwaysAllegra]

I've often wondered this since I was about 12 years old. But it seems the older I get the quantity and quality of my friendships decline and have become non-existent. My DH, DM, DD and DB all say it is down to jealousy, but surely it must be more?
I have always been quite insecure, I have strong morals and ethics, I own 3 properties and a lovely car, most people tell me I'm very pretty/attractive, I don't drink or smoke, I'm slim(ish), I've got a masters degree and I've started my own law firm business. Since starting my own business most of my friends have been really unsupportive, not recommending me, liking my business page etc even though I've text and asked if they could to help promote my business. But it hasn't just been that, I can honestly look around and say that not one of my friends is truly happy for me or supportive and I wish I had an amazing BF like others do.
I'm the person everyone comes to for advise, help or a problem but after sending everyone a Happy Easter WhatsApp, no one got back to me and I just realised I have no friends... Does anyone have any advice? Thanks

I don’t think it’s a good idea to ask friends or family to promote your business. They’re not obliged to and it puts them in an awkward position.

I hate being asked to promote or endorse things that I don’t know or can’t honestly recommend.

Maybe one of the reasons your friends haven’t replied to your Easter messages is that they feel awkward about your requests to support your business and don’t want to risk it coming up.

You do come across as confrontational and nit picky on this thread.

Listing your material possessions on a post where personality is what’s relevant.

I’m also really struggling to believe you have your own “law firm business”. As a lawyer that terminology is jarring and I simply don’t believe - given that the entire business of a law firm is providing professional advice - that you’d refer to “giving advise” if that part of your post was accurate.

@AlwaysAllegra

why are you making the effort still with these people?

It sounds like you feel guilty you’ve done well in life (very common young female over-achiever tendency) and that you owe others something. You really don’t.

There’s nothing wrong with you - you’ve been busy with work and achieved lots and if you’re a high achiever it’s going to be harder to find people “at your level” to connect with.

You don’t need to grovel or “try harder” or be a doormat just to be a “likeable woman” . Ffs.

Seriously I can’t imagine someone telling a man to weep at his desk and “show vulnerability” and change his personality and do Lorraine Kelly style confessions on his personal problems in order to be popular?

Being in a dynamic where you’re giving and getting nothing back is going to screw with your self esteem. Yes, jealousy and class and money envy do exist.

Just think of all the people you’ve done one sided things for, and drift away/ghost/take a break for a while.

Then slowly go out and meet new people but maybe at the same professional level as you? (Alumni or networking organisations - avoid free/cheap events)

If you search mumsnet for “I have trouble making friends” you will find a lot of women in similar social positions to you

Plus I think go in with low expectations - you can’t easily recreate close university social dynamics once everyone is doing their own thing (I’d be very suspicious of any older person who wanted to do that tbh or who wanted to be “one of the girls”
- I’d think they were needy or strange).

You might have to adjust your picture of how your friendship group is “meant” to look.

So rather than having one person you are on the phone with all the time, you might go on a pricey group holiday once a year with other middle class thirty somethings (they’re not just for weirdos if you google you get really cool solo traveller holidays) and have someone separate to go to the theatre with.

Or maybe a friend or two in different cities where you visit each other for weekends once a year.

If you’ve never had a BF or a group of female friends that doesn’t make you a freak it makes you quite a normal middle-class person.

By definition if you’ve got a full on job and a partner and are career focussed you’re not going to have the emotional energy to run a dramatic Sex and the City style social life where you live in each others pockets on the side (and neither will your peers)

Listing your material possessions on a post where personality is what’s relevant is weird

@Andshesteppedontheball

Yes 100% agree with you. However, they had their own businesses well before mine and have asked me to do the same in the past which I obligingly did and roped my DM in to do for them as well. As it just helps people doesn't it?

Maybe they feel awkward because they haven't done for me, what I've done for them? I would help any of my friends with their businesses in a heartbeat, just find it disappointing that they can't reciprocate I suppose.

@pegasusreturns I'm not feeding the troll. Thank you for your kind words

I would struggle to promote a “law firm business” where the owner didn’t know the difference between advice and advise and are and our........maybe it’s the opposite - maybe they are not jealous at all and don’t want to be associated with such a sloppy “professional” .....

Well I’d say it depends on what these businesses are. I would happily promote a friend’s business if I knew it and liked it, or used it myself. I wouldn’t feel comfortable being asked to endorse something I hadn’t used or experienced.

@WardrobeTeddy I love your post, thank you. I think you and a couple of others have offered sage advice that has really resonated with me.

“I’m not feeding the troll”

Oh that’s funny!

However I’ll probably take your “advise”

@AndSheSteppedOnTheBall thank you and I can see your point.

@Gutterton did you see the insomniac comments or did you just read the first few posts?

Thank you MNers who offered helpful advice, it has been really useful to get different perspectives. I'm going to attempt some broken sleep now!

Anyone who was being a troll, good night!

I don't have any friends either 🤷‍♀️ it sounds like you haven't had children yet

No one here can tell you why friendships don’t stick.

If I may say though, it’s unlikely to be jealousy. Perhaps for one or two, but this can’t be the reason people don’t feel connected to you.

It is most likely a personality trait, a reason why people can’t warm to you, and don’t want to be close.

Your family will never tell you, even if they know. They are flattering you with jealously reason, and I do think it’s quite telling that you seem to believe them.

Get a counsellor, unpack this issue with someone who can get you to see the reality. It would be tough, but you might see patterns that you can break.

You just sound tightly wound op. To the extent that you may not be fun to be around. You sound like an overthinker who likes things just so, etc. No one wants to be friends with someone who has "strong morals". That's just someone who drones on about how they know best. Or does a cats bum face when their friend makes a slightly off colour joke.

People with actual strong morals - who are community minded, fair, loving, and resilient - just get on with it and are still relaxed and accepting of others. They'd never describe themselves in that way. The fact that you do, hints at you being draining/tiring as a partner-in-fun.

I used to be like that, and I had few friends during that time.

Then my life imploded and I wasn't so perfect anymore, I had a troubled time. I started painting angrily, I let go of friends who expected me to be "on", I stopped meeting the demands of shit families members. I stopped apologizing. I stopped apologizing for existing.

I have more friends now.

If you keep focusing on folk being jealous of you, nothing will improve. Focus on yourself, and on truly pleasing yourself, and the rest will fall into place.

OP, do you mind saying how old you are? I think this makes a big difference? If between say 30-35, people are usually wrapped up in their children and friends are pushed to the wayside... in my experience anyway! You sound great for what it’s worth x

Stop making yourself so available to people, especially if it's not reciprocated. People may come running.

I think some people are being to harsh on this poor girl. I too sometimes feel insecure when it comes to friendships especially at that time of the month. I do most of the chasing and catch ups etc and sometimes it does get me down, but I can say hand on Heart that I’m the best friend that I can be to people. Im never going to be that person with loads of friends (like my sister) I prefer a few loyal friends who are on the same wave length as me. I don’t have the answers but just be you!! if your in the north east I would meet you.

Since starting my own business most of my friends have been really unsupportive, not recommending me, liking my business page etc even though I've text and asked if they could to help promote my business.

Ok, there a problem right there. I feel uncomfortable when people ask me to like or recommend something I have no experience of. I understand that people need a helping hand when they first start anything, but I find it annoying when people have this expectation that I will endorse their business just because I know them or I'm friends with them.

You say that this was the first time in a long time that you've ask for their help.....but that means nothing. I'm afraid you don't save helping points in your friendship bank just by withholding spending, although I can understand why you would feel that way. The are better ways to ask for their support would be to ask interested parties for their ideas & input, for them to spend time with you and help you relax when you're stressed....not ask them to endorse a product that (I assume) they've tried or paid for themselves. As a moral, ethical person, you shouldl understand why asking them to do that would be problematic. With your kind of money (Jesus you own three properties), you should be spending a little on local Facebooks ads.

I will make a sweeping assumption here, but I have a feeling that you're not great with people and don't have a deep understand of how they work emotionally. You might be good at working within rules, systems and logic, but the way you write and what you've written gives me that impression. Some technical minded people can be like this. They have a blind spot that leads to them to be confused at certain things that would be clear to others. They don't mean any harm, but sometimes they end up treading on people's toes or doing things without meaning to. In fact, some people like that are very giving.

I think Teddy gave the best advice.

OP sometimes I feel similarly. I've purged a load of friends since having dd, a couple before even, because there is no point in having a load of "friends" on paper if they don't act like it in person. I have a group of 4 friends now, who I know I can rely on. I don't see them often (they live locally, i'm not including school friends), maybe 1 time every 6 months. We are all busy with kids, work, homes etc. I used to try to call people and catch up once a week. One day I realised that it was always me doing that, so I stopped to see who would bother to call me. 1 person in 2 weeks. So I've readjusted, cut out one more who I noticed only ever instigated conversations when she needed/wanted something, never to ask how I was. It's sad if you are used to communicating with friends more often.

FWIW I get the whole being opinionated thing - I get very animated about certain topics and want to discuss them in detail. Some people simply don't have that ability, others are simply not that interested. My real friends know me well enough to let it happen and maybe ask some questions then we move on to other topics to keep it lighter.

Lastly, as a single mum, be glad you have a DH (and family) who seems to be supportive. It's hard being home alone and having the same worries

@AlwaysAllegra I feel you’ve been given a hard time from some posters. You wrote an honest and in context first post. Not conceited, not self centred etc. I read it as backstory. @Reversiblesequinsforadults set the tone by first posting an unhelpful and hurtful reply and the MN clique followed suit. I hate this about MN ... pile on and kick posters when they are clearly feeling vulnerable and not worthy of good friendships. Even one poster commenting on your spelling. Come on, is that really necessary. If you can be anything, be kind.

I think you sound great OP and I hope you go on to develop reciprocal friendships. Take care.

Asking friends to promote your business is the surest way to lose them. It’s annoying and exploitative.

I have to agree with this. If you were my friend, I'd feel used and pressured. I'd certainly pass on your details if the situation were applicable or write a LinkedIn review if I had used your services and you asked for support but that would be about it.

I don't drink or smoke

Neither have any relevance to whether you are a good friend or not. Indeed one or both might even put some people off.

I'm glad some of the posters on here are not my friends... I'd rather be without if they were my only option!

OP ignore the cruel comments... quality not quantity as another poster put it.

Good luck and wishing you much happiness in life.

I think promoting your business is important to you because it's something you love, it's hard work you've put in, you're so happy when it goes well because it shows you can do something good in the world, you doubted yourself and you'd be so happy if it came good etc etc. If you don't show that softer side to your friends they won't see it.

They might think your "professional" veneer is an obsession with the dull bits of work "oh god she's always going on about that bloody business, hasn't she got anything else to talk about?".

Connection is about feeling empathy for others and sympathy for their feelings. The way you ask for help is important too. You've got to let people in.

The pp who said men don't get asked to show vulnerability- spot on. But a problem men classically have is getting and keeping deep friendships. They are more likely to keep things bottled up and not have a friend to open up to which probably contributes to their higher suicide rates. So I'd learn from female skillsets OP.

Do you know what, op, I think people do care about those material things when choosing friends. Just stand around the school gates and notice who's in a popular clique of beautiful, successful parents and who's sidelined. I don't think the cliquey ones have 'better personalities'. If anything they seem to be much more inclined towards one-upmanship and pettiness.