Living with my OH is like having 2 kids

[OhPhotograph]

Please bear with me as I find it hard to articulate what I want to say.
I've always been very independent, had f all growing up so made it my mission to be financially secure, in a good job etc. Have lived on my own when younger also. Don't ask anyone for help, will just get on wjth stuff.
Currently on mat leave, baby 10 months old. I'm the higher earner and always have been.
OH has always been a bit of a lazy git but is something else these days. He will ask me 17 times for me to go and get him a drink, I'll say no, he'd rather go thirsty than get up himself but if I get up to go to the loo it's "Oh as you're up can you get me a drink....". When he's doing anything with the baby it's "Can you get me this, pass me that, hold his legs up whilst I change his nappy etc etc so I never get to have even just a 5 minute break. He can't even think of what to get him for lunch and never thinks ahead in terms of when the baby will need a nap etc. He's working from home atm but he doesn't get up and start work until 9 then has to work until 6, i just think why wouldn't you start at 7 and finish at 4 if you could spend more time with your child of an evening? Rarely does much housework as in day to day stuff but then will deep clean 1 room of a weekend and expect a medal. If we're both sat down and he wants something like phone charger etc then he will ask me to get up and get it because he cba. Generally sort of talks down to me now I'm on mat leave, says its my "job" to keep the house tidy as I'm not at work etc. He's never off his phone, even on weekends and he's with the baby he will be on his phone I have to tell him to get off it and engage with his son. Evenings he's on his phone. I'm just tired of all the mental load, sometimes I think it would be easier if I was a single parent as I would probably get more down time. I would do anything for my son and am not bothered about having a break "from him, but its the constant having to be" in charge" is grinding me down. Sorry if this makes no sense just had to write it down somewhere. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Little things like if I was feeding baby and needed a muslin I'd just get up with baby and go grab one. If I need to wipe babies face but wipes are in other room I'd get up and go get them not ask someone else to do it for me. Etc

my eldests father was like that and I dumped him and bought my own flat and moved out....best thing I ever did

Also, if I disagree with him I get called negative. I try not to raise my voice especially around the baby, I make a conscious effort not to name call or say horrible things and only to make valid points but he gets so irate so quickly. He says angry and I'm really not! Then uses that against me. The other day I'd just finished painting the garden fence and he put a hose on to water grass and it was hitting the fence and I said in a shocked, reactive way "omg the fence is still wet!" and he was all "you've got to get these flare ups under control".....

Tell him you're not his mother or his skivvy. Mat leave does not mean you take on everything in the house.

Sort it out now or you'll waste years of your life.

What a shit way to live. What a horrible selfish twat of a man.

If you feel you have to give him a chance to redeem himself then silently go on strike. Make a deal with yourself that you will not get him anything, answer his daft questions or any of that. Selective deafness and forgetfulness are your friends.

As for him not caring about his son, just like he doesn't care about you, well, for me, that would be him signing his marching orders. Who needs telling to remember to give a shit about their child?

I don't really give in to his asks for drinks etc. This morning he slept until 10.30 even though he was supposed to grt up with the baby because I just thought ffs you're an adult I shouldn't have to wake you up, you should want to give me a lie in and want.to have some alone time with the baby you know? He looked very sheepish when he came down but then was all "you should have woken me". I'm not your mother!!

He's a useless life partner and father. No initiative,lazy and helpless yet feels the need to dictate to you how to wharf or speak?! Fuck that shit!

"How to act or speak" sorry for that garbled sentence

Oh yes one of those where him not getting up is your fault for not walking him. God he is a waste of space

Some men want a mummy. From the moment you get pregnant that's it, you are his mummy.

If you choose to play along then before you know it you'll be reminding him of his own mother's birthday (and you'll buy her a card), you will work out when he needs new socks, he will never work out when you or the baby need new socks, you will wash and put away his clothes, you will never find that he has washed and put away the baby's clothes (without comment), no chance of your laundry ever being done. You will go off sex because he is now an idiot child and he will whine about you not wanting sex as if it is your problem he has made himself unfuckable.

I refuse to sort out his family birthdays etc but you're correct about the washing, I do most of the washing and he doesn't know where half the stuff in the baby's nursery goes! He says because I'm on mat leave its my job to sort out as he works 39hrs a week.
This morning I've been up since 6.30 with the baby he works flexi time so he can choose to start at 7 or 9 and finish at 4 or 6. He's still in bed. Why wouldn't you get up early so that you could have maximum time with your son? I don't get it.
Oh and I've already gone off sex with him because I just cba after having the mental load 24/7. It's just draining and he has a way of turning it round like I'm ungrateful because I don't go out to work (yet!)

The worst part is I've stopped caring. I don't actually care if he gets up. When I hear him stirring my first though is "ugh". I'm just sat I'm at the point where I think it would be easier if I was alone. Baby is only 10 months
Dreading how it will work when I go back to work and whether he will pull his weight. I work long hours so all pick ups and drop offs will be down to him.

Then you will be going out to work and carrying all the mental load at home too. Do you want your son growing up seeing his dad treat you like this and therefore assume that yes this is how men treat women?.

What are you getting out of this relationship now?.

What is the point of having him at all around?. Have you not asked him to leave?

"I work long hours so all pick ups and drop offs will be down to him".

You could well end up doing most if not all of those because he will let you down again and again. If he is not pulling his weight now then he is most certainly not going to do so after your maternity leave.

@attilathemeerkat thanks for your replies
I almost think he's "banking" these lie ins because he knows when I go back its down to him. I will be starting work at 7 and finish at 5 with a 30 min commute each way. I'll be gone before baby is even awake and it breaks my heart I will see him so much less as I wokr every other Sat too but we can't afford for me to get another job with less hours because I'm the main earner. If we've ever argued and discussed splitting before he says things like "you'll never take my son out of this house" etc and uses the fact I work long hours against me because he thinks he would automatically get custody due to being more flexible. He wouldn't leave the house I don't think (50/50 ownership).

Typically lazy selfish men who are uninterested in their children and wife do not suddenly become fair minded when the wife returns to work.

Here's what normally happens. You will find yourself having to go part time because he refuses to do any pick ups or drop offs. He will do the same amount of housework as he does now. You will do all the mental load related to nursery. If baby is ill then you will take a day off. He will not.

After going part time you will have less money and feel you should do more at home. You will find it harder and harder to leave.

You and the boy are his possession it seems. He has no interest in you but you are HIS. You may not leave. You may stay, subsidise his lifestyle and wash his pants. You are a household appliance to him.

"If we've ever argued and discussed splitting before he says things like "you'll never take my son out of this house" etc and uses the fact I work long hours against me because he thinks he would automatically get custody due to being more flexible. He wouldn't leave the house I don't think (50/50 ownership)".

These are all red flags re this man and he is making veiled threats re splitting. I would seriously consider now seeking legal advice to find out where you stand in the event of separation because this individual is not going to make that at all easy. After all he has it made with you and he is not going to want to give all that up. This man also only cares about and for his own self.

I think you need to sit him down and have a discussion about this current situation. It is not good, your getting frustrated and already disengaging from your relationship, but by saying nothing will just lead to more issues. I would take time to think about what you need to say. I should also add that him telling you he would get custody because you work longer hours has made my blood boil, he doesn't sound very nice. Maybe ask how he is going to manage looking after his own DC when he doesn't contribute currently. Maternity should be a nice peroid of time for you and your family to enjoy your new baby. His attitude is spoiling it

He sounds just like my partner, it's like reading about my own relationship OhPhotograph! The bit where you say you think Ugh when you hear him getting up, I'm the same! Then he comes downstairs and does nothing all day, I know how you feel. HOLDSHAND
We've been unlucky enough to end up with twats to be blunt.

He gets frustrated because if I say "no, I'm not getting up to fetch you something" he's like oh why don't you just do it its easy to do it. If he's with the baby and needs something I say "what do you think I do when I have him? I don't have anyone here to fetch and carry" and he says oh just help me out why do you refuse to help me out. I just want him to think for himself and do things himself without me having to be here to hold his hand all the time.

Honestly I’d be getting my ducks in a row. This is who he is. The chances of him improving when you are back at work are slim to non existent.

If you split can you move closer to your work so the commute is not as bad? Negotiate to work from home a couple of days a week.

Ignore any threats he makes about wanting 50-50 with baby. He can’t be arsed now can he? It’s just a way of controlling you and stopping you moving on.

Sorry op

It’s a shame that it took having a baby for him to show his true colours. Now you’re going to have him involved in your life until your son grows up.
Don’t have a second child with him.
Think about your future with him. If you feel that there is no future then go your separate ways sooner rather than later to minimise the emotional damage to your child.

You want him to have a different personality. That's not going to happen.

"I just want him to think for himself and do things himself without me having to be here to hold his hand all the time".

That won't happen either. He is more a kidult than an adult and will keep on refusing to do any adulting. Better to start making plans now for your son's and your futures rather than when you are imminently going to return to work.

He is no example of a decent father to his son either if he treats you as this child's mother like this.