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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Living with my OH is like having 2 kids

114 replies

OhPhotograph · 13/04/2020 21:18

Please bear with me as I find it hard to articulate what I want to say.
I've always been very independent, had f all growing up so made it my mission to be financially secure, in a good job etc. Have lived on my own when younger also. Don't ask anyone for help, will just get on wjth stuff.
Currently on mat leave, baby 10 months old. I'm the higher earner and always have been.
OH has always been a bit of a lazy git but is something else these days. He will ask me 17 times for me to go and get him a drink, I'll say no, he'd rather go thirsty than get up himself but if I get up to go to the loo it's "Oh as you're up can you get me a drink....". When he's doing anything with the baby it's "Can you get me this, pass me that, hold his legs up whilst I change his nappy etc etc so I never get to have even just a 5 minute break. He can't even think of what to get him for lunch and never thinks ahead in terms of when the baby will need a nap etc. He's working from home atm but he doesn't get up and start work until 9 then has to work until 6, i just think why wouldn't you start at 7 and finish at 4 if you could spend more time with your child of an evening? Rarely does much housework as in day to day stuff but then will deep clean 1 room of a weekend and expect a medal. If we're both sat down and he wants something like phone charger etc then he will ask me to get up and get it because he cba. Generally sort of talks down to me now I'm on mat leave, says its my "job" to keep the house tidy as I'm not at work etc. He's never off his phone, even on weekends and he's with the baby he will be on his phone I have to tell him to get off it and engage with his son. Evenings he's on his phone. I'm just tired of all the mental load, sometimes I think it would be easier if I was a single parent as I would probably get more down time. I would do anything for my son and am not bothered about having a break "from him, but its the constant having to be" in charge" is grinding me down. Sorry if this makes no sense just had to write it down somewhere. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/04/2020 12:35

He pushed you?

TorkTorkBam · 14/04/2020 12:41

This is the time to call the police. It may not seem serious enough to you. Do call though, for several reasons:

  • The police are currently expecting to deal with domestics. They won't think you a waste of time (so don't worry about that).
  • It shows him you absolutely will not tolerate him using his physical power on your body when he is having a tantrum. The flip side is that if you make this just between you and him, he knows it isn't really a big deal.
  • It increases the chance that he will leave the house willingly later.
  • It makes it easier for you, say, to call his dad and ask his dad to take him back.
  • A word from a copper might put the brakes on him immediately. The police are good at those little chats, especially now.
  • harder for him (and you) to pretend it never happened.
billy1966 · 14/04/2020 12:52

OP,
As @Tork has advised.

This is the start.

Ring the police and have him removed from the house.

Take this as the gift it is.

Call tge police and get him out of the house.

Vile
Lazy
Abusive.

Call the police.

TwentyViginti · 14/04/2020 12:52

I just knew he'd tantrum sooner or later. Please call the police OP. As a PP said, they're primed for DV situations during lockdown.

SueEllenMishke · 14/04/2020 13:03

Please phone the police. You need to escalate this.

Original poster
OhPhotograph · 14/04/2020 13:12

He didn't push me over and it didn't hurt I was stood in the doorway (not blocking the doorway) and he pushed me out. I took the baby out for a walk. Confused I'm not scared of him, I don't know what to do

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2020 13:15

Please call the police, they can and will deal with him.

The only acceptable level of abuse in a relationship is none.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 14/04/2020 13:16

Do not in turn minimise what he has done here, he has used his strength to get you out of the room and has also shouted at you.

monkeymonkey2010 · 14/04/2020 13:21

what you do is ring the police and log it with them for evidence and advice.
Then you tell him to leave.

My biggest fear is that I then won't be classed as primary carer and the court or whatever would favour him. I'm terrified that I will lose my baby
He DOES have a stronger case for main residency if he's classed as the primary carer - and you would get a few hours contact a week until DC gets older.
Plus you'd have to pay him maintenance - check it out on the calculator to see what the amount would be.

I think he would carry out his threat to take your baby off you given half the chance cos it's a way to control you, i think he thinks you're his cash cow too so he'd probably do it just for the money too......

Report him to the police, look how quickly this has escalated from him being 'useless' to getting physically aggressive with you?
The more chances you give him and explain it away, the bigger the hole you're digging for yourself.

HollowTalk · 14/04/2020 13:31

If only men like this knew how they came across to other people. What a waste of space he is.

GlassOfProsecco · 14/04/2020 13:33

And he's far less likely to be the primary carer if he's assaulted the mother of his child.

LightenUpSummer · 14/04/2020 13:34

Please get legal advice to know where you stand - I had so many misconceptions around divorce/child arrangements until I went through it myself, despite years of reading these boards!

Best of luck Flowers

LightenUpSummer · 14/04/2020 13:34

Do you have a bruise you could photograph? Keep any evidence.

Original poster
OhPhotograph · 14/04/2020 14:12

I've told him it's over. He was like "yeah whatever OK". What the fuck?!

OP posts:
billy1966 · 14/04/2020 14:12

You have a chance to use what he has done to you, to your advantage OP.

Stop playing it down.

These things start with a push.

Call the police and log it with them.

He is not a good man.

Try and be clever about this and protect yourself.

TorkTorkBam · 14/04/2020 14:20

Your words mean literally nothing to him. He does what he likes.

Now he has put his hands on you and you have allowed it: by not calling the police, not trying to kick him out and by minimising (you didn't hit the ground so it didn't count).

You can call the police on 101 and ask to speak to someone from the DV unit. You can explain him escalating to shouting and pushing, that you've told him it is over and he is not accepting it. You can explain that the push was the first time he has put hands on you violently, it wasn't that bad you think but you are worried because of the escalation. Ask for their advice. Why would you not do this?

SueEllenMishke · 14/04/2020 14:22

Log this with the police. And do this every time he does something like this.
Keep a diary of his behaviour. All of this will help massively going forward.

TwentyViginti · 14/04/2020 14:35

I've told him it's over. He was like "yeah whatever OK

Because he pushed you and shouted at you, with no consequences to himself, he thinks you're bluffing, and things will go as before now he's physically shown you who's boss.

Original poster
OhPhotograph · 14/04/2020 14:46

Please, I am not trying to allow anything. He is working from home and baby is napping. I've told him it's over and I mean it. Thank you all for commenting, I've confided in a friend today about this also and she was shocked. I don't have family close by but he does. I'm hoping he will go and stay elsewhere.

OP posts:
SueEllenMishke · 14/04/2020 14:48

What will you do if he refuses to go?

TorkTorkBam · 14/04/2020 14:51

Are you doing the thing of I can't call the DV unit because I am a strong independent woman not one of those weak victims?

It is one of the thinking patterns that keeps women with abusive men. They have a prejudice over what kind of woman gets with tantrumming lazy bullies like yours and don't want to put themselves into that category of women (despite it that "type" being based on no actual facts just imagining that surely only weak women get pushed and shouted at). Thus they cannot seek help. They are strong independent women who have a troubled man and can handle it without telling anyone.

Original poster
OhPhotograph · 14/04/2020 14:51

I can't force him to leave because we own the house 50/50, but if he refuses to leave then I will have to speak to some members of his family who I think will support me. His mum is like a best friend to me and I think she would agree with my reasoning. I'm not leaving the house because I have nobody to stay with nearby.

OP posts:
TorkTorkBam · 14/04/2020 14:51

Why didn't you call the police?

billy1966 · 14/04/2020 14:59

Calling the police is the one thing women can do to make it crystal clear to bullies that they will not be abused.

This is your chance to do that.

Its what strong independent women do.

Electrical · 14/04/2020 15:01

He is not going to behave decently at any stage, stop holding out hope that he’ll stop being a bully, manipulator, aggressive, tantrumming, useless scumbag. He’s worthless, his words are meaningless noise, put the focus solely on getting that aggressive man away from you and the child. Phoning the police about his violent outburst earlier would obviously be a very good idea to help with the future.

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