Living with my OH is like having 2 kids

[OhPhotograph]

Please bear with me as I find it hard to articulate what I want to say.
I've always been very independent, had f all growing up so made it my mission to be financially secure, in a good job etc. Have lived on my own when younger also. Don't ask anyone for help, will just get on wjth stuff.
Currently on mat leave, baby 10 months old. I'm the higher earner and always have been.
OH has always been a bit of a lazy git but is something else these days. He will ask me 17 times for me to go and get him a drink, I'll say no, he'd rather go thirsty than get up himself but if I get up to go to the loo it's "Oh as you're up can you get me a drink....". When he's doing anything with the baby it's "Can you get me this, pass me that, hold his legs up whilst I change his nappy etc etc so I never get to have even just a 5 minute break. He can't even think of what to get him for lunch and never thinks ahead in terms of when the baby will need a nap etc. He's working from home atm but he doesn't get up and start work until 9 then has to work until 6, i just think why wouldn't you start at 7 and finish at 4 if you could spend more time with your child of an evening? Rarely does much housework as in day to day stuff but then will deep clean 1 room of a weekend and expect a medal. If we're both sat down and he wants something like phone charger etc then he will ask me to get up and get it because he cba. Generally sort of talks down to me now I'm on mat leave, says its my "job" to keep the house tidy as I'm not at work etc. He's never off his phone, even on weekends and he's with the baby he will be on his phone I have to tell him to get off it and engage with his son. Evenings he's on his phone. I'm just tired of all the mental load, sometimes I think it would be easier if I was a single parent as I would probably get more down time. I would do anything for my son and am not bothered about having a break "from him, but its the constant having to be" in charge" is grinding me down. Sorry if this makes no sense just had to write it down somewhere. Does anyone have any words of wisdom?

Thanks @Cmarie74
Shit isn't it. I don't dread him I'm not scared of him but I do just think oh great he's awake you know? It sounds horrible to say but if he wasn't here I just wouldn't care. I feel so mean writing it like that but I'm such an independent person and don't understand people who can't grt out of bed or manage their own time. I'm not his mother nor his manager.

As a matter of interest does he share the baby costs equally?

He is doing what he values. He is time managing really well for the things he wants to do and the things he wants to not do.

It is horrible for you to imagine but he is doing what he wants and what he wants is not to spend time with his child.

He doesn't need a manager. He's happily managing according to his priorities already.

You say you are not his mother but you have taken on that role. Unwillingly but it has happened already

He's just got up he starts work in 10 minutes and I suggested he get up at 7 and finish at 4 moving forward so he can spend time with the baby. He said "I asked you to help me get out of bed earlier but you're being high and mighty refusing to help". So it' my fault he can't get up?!
We have joint finances, so all of our money goes into our joint and then we xfer personal money. I haven't been contributing much as my work only pay SMP after 6 weeks but ordinarily I would pay in around 2.5k and him 1.5k. All childcare and clothes etc will come out of our joint.

I don't say this often on here but... LTB

My biggest concern is that when I return in a few weeks he will be the primary carer. He will be getting up with him, taking him to nursery and picking him up and being with him until I get home. My biggest fear is that I then won't be classed as primary carer and the court or whatever would favour him. I'm terrified that I will lose my baby.

What an absolute sexist wanker he is. You must have fuck all respect for him. He obviously doesn't have any for you. This relationship is a joke.

You need to change your arrangements when you go back to work to ensure that you are classed as the primary carer.

He won’t actually fight to be seen as primary carer is my bet as he knows it will be far too much hard work. He won’t really want to have the baby 50:50 or more. If he wanted to spend that amount of time with the baby, he’d be doing it already.

I really can't see him suddenly stepping up to being primary carer if he can't get himself out of bed. Why is that your job?

It will get worse when you return to work.
Stop doing things for him now. He's treating you like a skivvy. Don't do his washing, don't clean up after him, don't wake him up.
While on mat leave your job is to care for your child not become your dh's slave. And you shouldn't be solely responsible 24/7....when he finishes work he needs to contribute 50/50.

He's a nasty bastard isn't he? As well as being a useless piece of shit he's being manipulative, knowing you don't want to get angry if front of your baby. (The fence incident for example) So making you look unreasonable just for saying not to get it wet.

You have been strong independent woman before him and can be again. You would be perfectly capable of raising your child by yourself without this manchild dragging you down. It already sounds like you've got the ick. I would get rid before you go back to work so you have precious time with your baby and time to make arrangements about childcare and whether you can do some work from home or reduced hours.

OP, instead of trying to change him (a pointless waste of energy), concentrate on getting yourself in a better position.

Unfortunately you are unwillingly facilitating him doing the minimum. He's got it just the way he likes it, so there is no incentive for him to change.

It's up to you if you want to live your life like this, and it's obvious you don't.

In your shoes, I'd be issuing an ultimatum: step up or split up.

And planning life without him.

Could you change your working hours? These don't fit in around nursery hours. Or your childcare? Maybe a childminder might do an earlier start? Maybe a nanny share if you can afford it?

Could you buy him out the house?

At 2.5K a month, you're unlikely to receive any benefits, but look at "entitled to" website & find out for sure. Maybe child benefit? And maintenance from him could give you something towards childcare costs.

He needs to understand that you are seriously considering leaving him. Even if he does change, it will likely be short-lived.

Put yourself & your child first.

Dropping the baby to.and from nursery isn't what I'd class as a primary carer....it's not like he's looking after him all day.

Could you put in a flexible working request, so you can do some of the drops or pick ups? I'm not sure what type of industry you work in, but all employers must consider flexible working requests and can only refuse them, with justification for specific reasons in law.

Could you request to WFH on one day a week for example?

There is also the option to make a request to reduce your house for a limited time...perhaps for the first 6 or 12 months to see how it goes.

Your DPs behaviour is extremely annoying and I can understand why you feel as you do...maybe if he knew his attitude was making him less attractive he might do something about it.

I wouldn't care if mine wasn't here either, I know that feeling. I'd have less money but be so much happier and more relaxed, I can even relax in my own home, it's sad.
I've no respect for him anymore, he doesn't deserve any even if he does 'keep the roof over my head' as he puts it, none of them deserve respect because they don't give it to us.
Stay strong. I don't have the problem of being primary care giver or not. With our work hours I always have been and always will be the one who spends the most time with kids and does the most for them, even so I still worry he'd sway the courts to him because he's such a manipulative bastard.
I feel your pain.

I reckon if I explained the situation to my work they may let me start at 8.15 say and finish at 5 so I can do pick up and drop offs. Would be a reduction of around 5hrs per week. Not able to work from home (warehouse manager) I don't have any savings to buy him out but I could definitely afford to live by myself assuming he would pay 50 50 childcare. Wouldn't be entitled to any benefits (bar child benefit) but wouldn't need them. He honestly doesn't realise how unattractive it makes him. He's in a huff with me now because I expect him to get himself up in the morning
He calls me angry all the time says I get angry about everything but just doesn't understand its not me being angry just simply refusing to be his slave. Turns it round on me like I'm being unreasonable. Sick of living with this man child.
The alternative would be for him to buy me out (he could probably borrow money from parents whereas I can't and have no family nearby), but I think it would be reasonable for him to go and live with his dad down the road and let the baby stay in his normal environment with me. Think he would be a dick about it though

When you go back to work can you negotiate a later start or WFH some days? So that you can share drop off to nursery?

Sorry, Cross post with you OP

You are angry, rightly so, because he's not stepping up, and he's deflecting it back at you as he doesn't want to. Do you just go round in circles. So disrespectful.

You can check what maintenance you'd be entitled to on the CMS website. Unfortunately he can't be compelled to share childcare costs but he will need to pay maintenance- unless he's self-employed & fiddles the figures.

Oh dear. He's showing you who he is, or rather had done for some time, it's just now when you need him to step up, he isn't (not surprisingly)

You're absolutely right you have two children, and one is a massive mysogynist to boot. You would be better off without him and he knows it.

Try one last thing before kicking him out. Go out for the day, don't warn him, just go and don't take your phone, or at least don't answer it.

That will show him what being a full time dad would be like if you did split. Chances are he would sober up sharpish, and don't forget to remind him of he didn't pick up his act, he would be completely responsible for his son 50% of the time.

If this doesn't work. You know what you need to do..

Sorry to hear this OP. He sounds awful. He just wants you to look after him and be his mum too. No wonder you don’t want sex with him! It’s such an unattractive quality in someone.

What a terrible twat he is. He is choosing this and trying to force you into accepting it. Lazy fucking scum. I hope you find a way forward without him.

Thanks for all your comments. It's amazing how having other people's opinions makes me realise I'm not going mad. I'm doing some volunteer work at the end of the month which involves 4 training days 9-5 so we will see how he copes then. Part of me thinks maybe it's because we can't go out or go anywhere maybe he's just grating on me but reading it back he sounds ridiculous.

@OhPhotograph
I had one like this, he's now my ex, should have kicked him out years ago bit managed to get rid of him 2 years ago this month.

My ex seemed to think it was my job to help him get up in the morning, he blamed his mental health for sleeping all the time.
He would literally roll out of bed at the very last minute to complete his morning routine before going to work bit on weekends he wouldnt show his face until lunch time, then watch TV and fall asleep again.
It was a great frustration as we had animals and their care was alternated between us so it meant on his days the dogs only got a short walk or the chickens werent let out early.
Small things really but they really grated on me big time.

You will resent him so much and youve already got a parent/child relationship with him, I had the same with my ex and it's just not the way a relationship should be.

Good luck with everything.

@AttilaTheMeerkat

OP, This is good advice.

He has shown you exactly who he is.

A nasty, lazy, bully, who is threatening you re your baby.

Don't wait for things to get worse.

Investigate how you will manage alone with your job, hours, childcare etc.

He's not going to improve.

In the interim.
Stop doing anything for him and mind yourself.

He is NOT a good man.

He's a lazy excuse of one.

So we've had a row, I didn't raise my voice but he was shouting / screaming at me then pushed me out of the room and slammed door.