Some advice, dd has no contact with her dad but what do I do about his family?

[Fightingback16]

Hi, so I stopped contact with my abusive husband mid Dec, unfortunately but the right thing to do that meant dd who is 3 also.

His family all live abroad and I was in the mindset that it’s not their fault so have been continuing to video call them. Probably more then ever as H never bothered when we were together.

Now I’m really torn. I’ve had a word because his sister on one occasion was drunk and kept saying daddy over and over again during one chat and dd was getting upset. Then on the last occasion I could clearly see that his sister went on video chat to my H so that he could see dd on the other phone. I could see her holding up the phone and I glimpsed his face.

What do I do, I don’t want to be seen as excluding his whole family but then they are obviously on his side. Should I continue to call or say sorry I won’t be anymore and maybe just send them an update? I have sent them pics of dd before and they sending them to him as he puts them on his Fb profile.

Stop phoning the family.

Clearly any contact you have with them, they will share with your ex. As far as I would be concerned, the sister has lost privileges to be on calls with your dd at the time she was drunk.

Is your dd actually getting anything out of contact with them? Does she look forward to it/does she enjoy it or is she just bemused? I would drop right back to an occasional email update unless she's getting some real value out of these video calls.

She does love her gran. But then she loves her father or so it seemed. It’s just I know he will be listening which is worrying me.

The sister I couldn’t care less about, she was always a loud mouth drunk.

They live together so can’t ring one without the other.

I don’t think a 3 year old will be getting much out of video calls anyway.

Just stop initiating it.

If her grandma calls, let her chat for a few minutes. But you don’t need to be the one doing it in the first place.

Your dd doesn't know who is a good guy does she? You make that decision and blcok them all.

It's your responsibility as her dm imo.

You can either call them out on the behaviour and give a warning or stop calling. They'll know why.

Personally.

Ex was/is very abusive.

When I got divorced and the courts ordered him to only have indirect contact. I dropped the entire family like a hot potato.

Current DP, I have a relationship with my in-laws and they are loving and kind and love DC very much. If my relationship with DP doesn’t work out, I will continue to facilitate my DC’s relationship with his family. Although I expect DP would do it anyway.

With an abusive ex I wouldn’t. Unless I had a solid positive relationship with the in laws desperate from ex.

Separate not desperate

OP, you've already "had a word" with them about what's happening in the video calls. Since they continue to push the bounds (particularly the sister, and since they come as a package), you don't have much choice but to stop the calls or severely limit them. I certainly wouldn't be initiating any more.

If your dd asks for a call to them, then maybe 5 minutes and you switch off if they behave badly. But otherwise, I wouldn't be chasing them for contact.

They have been messaging me asking if they can call Dd. The mum is ok, the sister is a bully like my H. The mum apologised for her daughters drunk behaviour. It’s definitely the sister I need to worry about. I’m so freaking lucky they don’t live here.

I hate it sometimes that I have a conscience. They don’t really add anything to DD’s life, but they are her family. My husband is a sick bastard, I have no conscience about stopping contact with him anymore.

They are a toxic family who have raised an abuser and a drunk.

No idea what role the “nice granny” played in this - at worst she’s an abusive, drunk, Narc - at worst an enabler of abusers and alcoholics who are complicit in a toxic dysfunctional dynamic with your child.

The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. They have behaved badly - your DD doesn’t need this family in her life. You have an obligation IMHO to keep her well clear of them.

They don’t really add anything to DD’s life, but they are her family

They are toxic, them being her family is not a reason to continue communication with them.

You are her family op..
More than enough.
Me and dc are nc with my dps.
No regrets.
No deprived dc!!

She was abused by her husband (my husband father) she knew it from the time my husband was 1 year old but stayed until he was 18. My H and his sister are effected badly. Personally I don’t like any of them now I’m free to have my own opinion. His mum thinks I’m wrong to stop contact, she has no idea what she has created even though she often heard him scream at me when we went to see them on holiday. She’s tell him not to drink then ask him to go out and buy her wine knowing he’d shout at me.

Sounds like the sick bastard is still indirectly involved with your child facilitated deceptively by “nice granny”.

Just block and delete their numbers.

Sick bastard is just using this contact to plot more sick bastard type activities directed at you and your DC.

She’d also go behind my back and ask him for money. She never believed the money was ours not his even though we were married 11 years. I have a feeling I’m being manipulated again.

She is just as complicit in the abuse of her own DS when he was a child as she volunteered to stay. These are her values - to sacrifice children to abusers.

She is doing the same to your DC.

Have no pity for her.

@Gutterton I think you are right!

I know these things but I don’t trust my judgement, I can feel something is not right.

@Fightingback16 seriously? And you want this in your dd’s life?

No I don’t want them in her life, I’ve never liked them. I don’t know what is the right or wrong thing to do in these circumstances. If he bothers to apply to the court for contact (he hasn’t in 3 months) then would I get caught for alienation?

She believes his sick bastard abuse of you is acceptable.

If your DC is only 3 - you need to cut off everything now otherwise she will be asking to meet up, visit etc and he will be behind it all - or even there. It will be much harder to say No to your DC. She will have a phone when she is older and they / he will contact her direct.

For her sake cut it all off now.

The more you say about the family, the more it seems you need to keep your daughter safe from them, rather than in contact with them. They are dysfunctional and toxic. They will just bring that into your dd's life, given the chance. She's 3, keep her safe.