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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Some advice, dd has no contact with her dad but what do I do about his family?

79 replies

Fightingback16 · 13/04/2020 10:56

Hi, so I stopped contact with my abusive husband mid Dec, unfortunately but the right thing to do that meant dd who is 3 also.

His family all live abroad and I was in the mindset that it’s not their fault so have been continuing to video call them. Probably more then ever as H never bothered when we were together.

Now I’m really torn. I’ve had a word because his sister on one occasion was drunk and kept saying daddy over and over again during one chat and dd was getting upset. Then on the last occasion I could clearly see that his sister went on video chat to my H so that he could see dd on the other phone. I could see her holding up the phone and I glimpsed his face.

What do I do, I don’t want to be seen as excluding his whole family but then they are obviously on his side. Should I continue to call or say sorry I won’t be anymore and maybe just send them an update? I have sent them pics of dd before and they sending them to him as he puts them on his Fb profile.

OP posts:
Original poster
Fightingback16 · 17/04/2020 16:26

The last thing I want is for him to get more access because of what I’ve done!

OP posts:
Gutterton · 17/04/2020 16:30

I’ve had a word because his sister on one occasion was drunk and kept saying daddy over and over again during one chat and dd was getting upset.

No one gets to upset your DD. This is blatant abuse. You cannot allow this. This is “normal” behaviour for this family. Your DD deserves better than that. She deserves to be shielded from this toxicity and abuse.

Gutterton · 17/04/2020 16:31

Alienation has nothing to do with extended family - only parents.

Gutterton · 17/04/2020 16:32

If he is abusive and controlling and a risk to your DD then see an solicitor and get all previous incidents documented with back up evidence where you can.

OhCaptain · 17/04/2020 16:35

This will absolutely not get me into trouble if it goes to court? Alienation?

Unless the law has changed, grandparents can only apply to a court for permission to apply for access, IYSWIM? (I’m not UK but I’m nearly sure it’s the same.)

The father has made no efforts to try for contact and even if he did, you have police records to back you up so they won’t just tell you to pack your dd off with a wave to an abusive, violent, absent father.

You’ve done the hard bit. Now you just need to stay the course. Flowers

Rottnest · 18/04/2020 08:14

Your husbands family are a group of dysfunctional abusive people. For goodness sake please do not inflict them and their behaviour on your innocent 3yr old child. Contact with them can never benefit her, in any way. Cut all contact with them f or her sake. If her father comes to your country to cause trouble then call the police. Find your strength and courage and protect your daughter. Going forward, she does not need people like this in her life, ever. If she decides she wants to contact them at the age of 18yrs, she can, then she will probably thank you for protecting her.
At this stage can you take legal advice, take any steps needed to protect her?
Best wishes to you, good luck

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 08:27

Unfortunately her father lives round the corner, I bloody wish it was a different country. I’ve stopped contact with him in December, the solicitor says we just sit and wait for him to make the contact order. I really find it hard to understand why he hasn’t. He was so loud and threatening about his love for his daughter. You’ll never break my bond with her, just try and you’ll see what will happen.....nothings happened. He looked like he loved her, he was loud and OTT when he used to come and pick her up. I used to turn to my mum and say that was odd. He’d always have loads of new toys hid under his jumper. He said to me that I’d take his whole life away from him by leaving, it’s worse then death not being with his daughter, when I was living there he did noting to help me with her.

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OhCaptain · 18/04/2020 11:03

Because he doesn’t give a shit. He was using her to get at you.

And he’s an abusive, dangerous man who doesn’t deserve to be around her anyway.

If he comes around - you call the police.

If he wants to see her it’s up to HIM to get the ball rolling, not you. And it doesn’t look like he’s going to, does it?

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 11:15

I can’t believe it, well in can now I’ve had all the therapy. But if you asked me a year ago I would never have believed any of it. The about of abuse my head had been subjected to is beyond understanding, it’s terrifying!

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 11:16

*the amount of abuse

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Gutterton · 18/04/2020 11:37

I am delighted to hear that you have had therapy and the scales have fallen from your eyes.

Be kind to yourself. It’s v painful to realise what you endured and emotions vacillate from anger to hurt whilst you process and accept what you have been through. It’s a v unsettling time - uncomfortable - but healing.

Be v proud that you left him.
Be v proud that you embarked on therapy.
Be v proud you have resisted him.
Be v proud you knew that the ILs were OOO.
Be v proud you posted here.
Be v proud you blocked them.
Be v proud you are holding strong.

Be v proud that you have given your DD the greatest gift in life - to have the most secure and resilient emotional development because:

  • she isn’t living in a toxic family dynamic,
  • because she isn’t exposed to domestic violence,
  • because she won’t have the pain and distress of watching her DM abused,
  • because she won’t be manipulated by a psychopath
  • because she won’t be exposed to abusive ILs
  • because she now lives in a calm and peaceful home
  • because she now has a DM emotionally freed to fully support and love her rather than one distracted and emotionally unavailable at times because of the fear and trauma she lives under.

Be proud. Keep looking to support your own emotional recovery as you have taken a battering and your DD needs her strong Mum.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 11:57

Thank you, I am so very relieved that I got her out. My daughter is the only memory that draws me to tears. She saved my life. He forced me to have her, manipulated me but it backfired! He underestimated a mother’s love.

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 12:11

She is walking around with her little wooden guitar now singing “I love mummy and my mummy loves me” I could literally die. I just want to cry all the time.

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 12:11

With happiness that is!

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OhCaptain · 18/04/2020 12:41

Aw that’s lovely. And you’re all she needs. Please try to remember that. Flowers

okiedokieme · 18/04/2020 12:52

You need to speak to them about what is acceptable - contact is a good thing going forward, it's the terms of that you need to get right. You also should be facilitating contact with your DD's father, even if that means a contact centre (if the court feels there's a risk to her). Not having parental contact screws kids up, my ex was one of those kids and ultimately the decisions his mother made affected his ability to have relationships.

Sorry if this isn't what you want to hear but kids deserve access to parents and family as long as they aren't a threat to their safety, how he treated you is not a reason to stop it, even if it is in a contact centre (obviously after lockdown)

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 13:33

What about if he used our daughter to get to me and in the meantime put her in great danger all the time? Should he get contact then. Every part of him and what he does is about me.

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 13:35

His mothers decision was to stay with her husband and let him beat her and humiliate her in front of her children. I won’t put my daughter in harm or any sort.

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OhCaptain · 18/04/2020 13:37

You need to speak to them about what is acceptable - contact is a good thing going forward, it's the terms of that you need to get right. You also should be facilitating contact with your DD's father, even if that means a contact centre (if the court feels there's a risk to her). Not having parental contact screws kids up, my ex was one of those kids and ultimately the decisions his mother made affected his ability to have relationships.

Literally none of that is true. There is no benefit to this child having contact with an abusive, violent man. And even if there was he has made zero effort to facilitate it. If he wants access, he’s the one who needs to apply for it. It’s not up to Fighting at all.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 13:38

My solicitor has advised him to make a contact order so that contact if agreed is done safely for me and my dd. He had not bothered to apply for one and had instead tried to break down my door and emotionally influence me and dd..... ooo look at me speaking up!

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 13:41

Oh shit. That’s the first time I’ve actually said something whilst 100% believing it. My IDVA has said it to me many time.....he doesn’t love your daughter. OMG, he doesn’t.

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Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 13:43

When he screamed her name through the letter box and screamed he will take all the money to take her off me that was to provoke emotions in me wasn’t it?

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OhCaptain · 18/04/2020 14:13

Yes, it was. She’s a pawn in his power game.

If she wasn’t then he’d have taken steps to see her.

Gutterton · 18/04/2020 14:29

He isn’t capable of love.

He is a psychopath.

He doesn’t have the capacity for empathy.

He is driven by power and control.

He uses manipulation, exploitation and abuse to achieve power.

He is driven to punish you for stepping out of his power.

He will use your DD as collateral damage to achieve punishing you.

Original poster
Fightingback16 · 18/04/2020 15:27

It’s so very painful to realise this is true. It’s almost unthinkable, uncomputable. I thought he loved me and dd and our life. But at the same time I felt he hated me and our life and I was being punished. I said to him at the end why do I feel like you are punishing me. I only left him to set him free because I believed it was all my fault. He kind of out did himself and it was too obvious.

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