Some advice, dd has no contact with her dad but what do I do about his family?

[Fightingback16]

Hi, so I stopped contact with my abusive husband mid Dec, unfortunately but the right thing to do that meant dd who is 3 also.

His family all live abroad and I was in the mindset that it’s not their fault so have been continuing to video call them. Probably more then ever as H never bothered when we were together.

Now I’m really torn. I’ve had a word because his sister on one occasion was drunk and kept saying daddy over and over again during one chat and dd was getting upset. Then on the last occasion I could clearly see that his sister went on video chat to my H so that he could see dd on the other phone. I could see her holding up the phone and I glimpsed his face.

What do I do, I don’t want to be seen as excluding his whole family but then they are obviously on his side. Should I continue to call or say sorry I won’t be anymore and maybe just send them an update? I have sent them pics of dd before and they sending them to him as he puts them on his Fb profile.

You're under no obligation to keep in touch with his family. That's his job.

Nooo, cut them all out!!

That's the family which produced your fucked-up abusive husband. You need to protect your daughter from them.

You know he spent 12 years telling me how great his family was, how boring and not normal mine is. He is so wrong, they are the wrong ones. He always told me he’d make sure dd turned out like his mum and sister and not like me. That’s what spurred me to go no contact as that was terrifying.

He’s totally f***d up my perception of what’s ok.

But you are finding your way out of his fog of bullshit. This is another step out of his influence.

I don’t know what is the right or wrong thing to do in these circumstances.

The right thing to do in ALL circumstances is to keep your child safe, physically and mentally.

There are NO grey areas in that respect.

I’m re finding my confidence. Leaving him took a great deal of energy and I’ve been unable to work through what’s happened until recently. I’ve been in limp mode for a year. So many things are coming to me now.

My husband was a monster.

Is a...

Have you had any support? Have you tried the Freedom Programme?

Bloody well done on leaving.

@Fightingback16 leaving him was brave and took a lot of courage so you know now how strong you are!

It’s so easy to delete and block. The push of a button, that’s all it is!

Hi yes, I’ve had a name change but you have helped me in the past. I went to the freedom programme after not understanding a thing what was happening to me in January. It kind of threw me into a traumatised mess but I feel a bit better lately. He did a massive number on me, I was close to the edge when I left him. Then I created a massive wall because I couldn’t deal with the mental state I was in. But now I can understand what was happening and I’m beginning to see the dissonance that had happened, it’s very scary.

My IDVA says I’d had a full lobotomy.

I actually left him because I wanted him to be free of me

Reading your updates.

I’d change my number.

Block and delete them all on everything.

And ignore them completely.

The only person you have any responsibility for facilitating contact with is your ex. Your DC’s father, you don’t need to have contact with his family. I wouldn’t start making it a regular thing as otherwise they might then demand this continue in court.

Ignore the lot of them. Concentrate on rebuilding yourself and creating a positive safe and happy environment for you and your DD.

Just your mind’s way of protecting itself. It’s more than ok to be a mess!

Really it is.

And it’ll take a long time to unpack the shit but THAT’S OK!

Please though, don’t make things worse for yourself by trying to deal with them, too.

Block them. Even if you tell yourself it’s for the time being.

For isolation, say. Block them because you will have way too much time to think on this.

If you feel differently down the line you can start up contact again.

I’m not used to having the power. At least they can’t come here, he might tho when they tell him I’ve blocked them.

Then you call the police. I’m serious.

In fact, I’d call the DV liaison (don’t know what it is in the UK) to flag the situation so they can assist you.

You CAN do this.

I’ve called the police 3 time’s on him, I’m not cooperating anymore!

Ahhhhh I’m having a wobble, I’ve over 16 unread msgs from his mum and similar from his sister. I’ve looked at one at it’s along the lines of we have nothing to do with your relationship breakdown, we want to speak to out granddaughter/niece, they are worried about the virus. I’ve not replied but I feel guilty. I also think if I block them (I’ve done the sis) then they will tell him and he’ll come here seeking answers!!

This woman is a manipulative abuser. You know this.

If you block them, they can’t send you emotionally manipulative messages.

If he shows up, you ignore him. If he becomes aggressive, you phone the police.

Think of what you told us here. Think of the life your ex had.

Then imagine that your dd had the same life because you didn’t stop it from happening!

You CAN do this. If you can leave him, you can block her.

This is bullying behaviour.

They are pushing your boundaries.

These are nasty people.

They have no respect for you.

They are trying to emotionally blackmail you.

You don’t owe them an explanation. Just block the DM as well. SHE is complicit and an enabler of all of the abusive behaviours of her H, your XH, her DD. She is as bad and them.

Block. Delete (don’t read) and don’t look back.

You need to do this for your DD.

Expect stuff in the post - don’t open, bin it.

Yes your xH is likely to harass you - but be ready for that. Ring doorbell. Block his number - only contact via email - anything malicious - go to the police. Again and again and again.

Then imagine that your dd had the same life because you didn’t stop it from happening!

Yes this x 100.

You have given her the most amazing gift in life by leaving him - don’t undo that.

Don’t let these manipulative people hound you - he is behind this. They are doing this for your xH - not for your DD.

Where are you with legal stuff?

This will absolutely not get me into trouble if it goes to court? Alienation?