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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

6 months into new relationship so in love but there are issues

96 replies

katejk31 · 13/04/2020 02:26

I separated from my husband/ex about 9 months ago we had been together most of our lives to this point summer last year, it was devastating I went through so much had counselling solo for 9 months before and after the separation. Anyway 3 months after the separation I met accidentally an old flame someone I dated a few times we really hit it off I went with the flow it was soon wasnt even expecting anything but weve really fallen for each other. Fast forward 6 months and for practical reasons too long to explain we are under the same roof and there have been a few issues that I'm not sure how to deal with he has already done a lot to compromise on a couple of things but still difficult his daughter adorable but extremely difficult very demanding but just a kid but expecting to sleep in bed with us etc I point blank refused and said no way my kids dont sleep with me they are teens but I believe kids should self soothe unless unwell etc. his daughter 11, so hes put a stop to it so I'm glad about that. And Please say if you think I'm being unreasonable but he has severe snoring issues to the point where if I sleep downstairs I can still hear him he has gone to sleep clinic but were waiting obviously at present its going to take longer in the meantime I miss my own bed i cant wake him to kick him out hes a sleepy head big time, I appreciate he gets up early and works hard long hours etc but as soon as hes in hes on the sofa watching TV. On his days off hes falling asleep all the time hes binge eating total junk food and soft drinks soft drinks he goes through large bottles on a daily basis hes overweight too he doesnt eat all day at work so binge eats tons of crap at once it's like if wehave desert he cant have a slice of cake he will eat the whole cake or what's left of it . I have tried to encourage him I'm very healthy and work out regularly very active I work full time but then still have the kids and a million other things to do in the house I appreciate that the snoring may be causing issues but its all a vicious cycle its depressing me because apart from this hes amazing guy I love to bits but I don't get the constant lays on sofa all day in and out of consciousness I think its lack of quality sleep due to the horrendous volume of snoring but is the junk food causing it. I think hes totally addicted to junk food too I explained if he ate better hed have more energy he thinks people are different and he likes to laze all day where I dont fair enough but to me it seems a shame wasting your days off falling asleep and binging, is it me do I not get it or what? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
HirplesWithHaggis · 13/04/2020 02:30

I think you're not suited, don't see any way in which he is amazing or indeed even vaguely desirable, that he needs to move out, and see his GP about sleep apnea. You deserve better than this.

JKScot4 · 13/04/2020 02:31

Jings, just finish it, you don’t seem to like him, not compatible.
Why has his DD even met you never mind wanting to sleep with you? If at 11 he has to be told this is odd he’s a crap parent and bf.

chickenyhead · 13/04/2020 02:47

How on earth did you end up living together? Is it your house?

Seriously, the ground rules need to be set out very clearly. Why on earth would he have an 11 year old in his bed. Sorry, but no. Alarm bells are ringing.

He needed a house maid and you are it.

He should be at the doctors getting his thyroid checked. Don't you want more from life than this? Nice holidays, going out?

Your kids have grown up and now you have 2 more? What is it about him that is sooooo amazing?

ClareBlue · 13/04/2020 02:48

Are you posting at this time because the snoring is keeping you up? What are you getting from this relationship? Why not spend some time enjoying being single and not having to make compromises on your happyness. It is strange to have to tell your BF that you do not want his 11 year old daughter in bed with you. Your partner slobbing on the sofa eating junk food all his spare time is hardly the stuff of dreams. Why are you undervaluing yourself to put up with this in your life? Move on and find some peace and sleep 😴

Thepigeonsarecoming · 13/04/2020 02:52

Do you actually like him OP, I can’t find a positive only you criticising him? So yes you should probably break up

AnnUumellemahaye · 13/04/2020 02:56

I’m confused. Are you all living together, your kids and his daughter? Whose house is it?

chickenyhead · 13/04/2020 02:58

I would criticise him, his redeeming features must be cramed in to about 20 minutes a day.

I wonder at the huge sacrifices he has had to make??? He has to wash now and brush his teeth? Christ.

Your self esteem is still rock bottom. Imagine one of your children was with this man, what would you tell them?

Get some counselling. You deserve better.

rvby · 13/04/2020 03:02

You arent suited.

Love is literally never enough. You have to be compatible and have lifestyles that fit together. You dont have that. So please dont make yourself and him miserable - end it and find someone whose lifestyle you respect and can take part in happily.

pisces12 · 13/04/2020 03:16

Has he got you there to look after his kid whilst he's at work?

Wisteriacottage · 13/04/2020 04:53

Yuk!
What the devil are you doing!?

Why on earth is a fat lazy slob who sleeps with is daughter gorging on junk and ruining your sleep dong in your house?!?

Honestly why are women too nice and kind and have the self worth of a dirty doormat?!

Myohmy111 · 13/04/2020 05:17

Wow. I am sure he does have redeeming features that you haven’t detailed, given that who have described him as ‘amazing’. But his flaws sound so unappealing (sorry, the binge eating, obesity and snoring alone - all linked - would be passion killers for me). Most important, however, is the fact that you and him are clearly incompatible. It’s really not going to get any better.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/04/2020 05:50

3 months after ending your Long marriage you were with a new man and 6 months later you're all living together with all of your children? For goodness sake you've travelled at the speed of light and surprise surprise it was a mistake.

Time to disentangle this mess and look after yourself and your own children.

soannya · 13/04/2020 06:49

This was all way too quick. He needs to move out. Why are you giving up your bed!!!

MissBax · 13/04/2020 06:55

Please use punctuation.

It sounds like he has sleep apnoea, most likely caused by his being overweight.

What are you so head over heels about exactly? Are you sure this isn't a rebound?

AgentJohnson · 13/04/2020 06:55

Moving your bf in 9 months after jou marriage ended was not fair on your kids. Carona was excuse not a reason. It’s time he left.

Opentooffers · 13/04/2020 07:12

He's knackered due to sleep apnoea, he's likely to develop heart disease if he carries on. If you are a bit stuck with him at the moment, no harm in trying to support change for a while - though don't persist if he isn't willing to give s lifestyle change a go. Be positive, don't point at failings, tell him how much better he'd feel, how it's great to have more energy and that you want him to be around a long time for you and his daughter. Don't have junk in the house, go for your one session of exercise per day together exploring locality.
I think you are being very generous about his level of compromise so far, it sounds like you have compromised yourself a hell of a lot more, so don't flog the attempt to change, if he won't ment his ways, you then should cut your losses.

BurgerOnTheOrientExpress · 13/04/2020 07:22

Nothing wrong with him, although it's hurting you now and in my view the pain's only going to get worse.

BurgerOnTheOrientExpress · 13/04/2020 07:27

@MissBax...,,,,!!!::::;;;'''??.. Whats wrong with 'a rebound'? Some of them work out fine. Please can I leave now Miss?

TwilightPeace · 13/04/2020 07:30

You have moved far too quickly in this relationship. After just 6 months you are living with his children? You don’t even know him!

Are you scared of being single?

CtrlU · 13/04/2020 07:34

I think you rushed into things too soon and now the rose tinted glasses are starting to slip

TKAAHUARTG · 13/04/2020 07:36

Is this really all you think you are worth?

RoLaren · 13/04/2020 07:43

Your poor children. Did they have counselling before and after their parents' break up? What are you doing bringing an apparently unlikeable man and his 11 year old daughter into your already-reeling children's home? I don't care if they're 13 or 19, get rid and rebuild a secure environment for them to recover.

footprintsintheslow · 13/04/2020 07:50

Why don't you explain the reasons you all had to be under the same roof?

I think move him back out and focus on yourself and children. He's a slob and you aren't. What if your children pick up his bad habits?

RhymingRabbit3 · 13/04/2020 07:53

hes amazing guy I love to bits
Can you elaborate on what makes him so amazing? It sounds like he is a lazy slob who can't be bothered to parent his own child. Hes taken over your house and forces you to sleep on the sofa. Apart from this one sentence, everything you said was Negative. I think you should dump him, you're not compatible.

DeathByBoredom · 13/04/2020 07:56

He was a rebound. Time for him to bounce off. You'll feel so much better for it.

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