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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

6 months into new relationship so in love but there are issues

96 replies

katejk31 · 13/04/2020 02:26

I separated from my husband/ex about 9 months ago we had been together most of our lives to this point summer last year, it was devastating I went through so much had counselling solo for 9 months before and after the separation. Anyway 3 months after the separation I met accidentally an old flame someone I dated a few times we really hit it off I went with the flow it was soon wasnt even expecting anything but weve really fallen for each other. Fast forward 6 months and for practical reasons too long to explain we are under the same roof and there have been a few issues that I'm not sure how to deal with he has already done a lot to compromise on a couple of things but still difficult his daughter adorable but extremely difficult very demanding but just a kid but expecting to sleep in bed with us etc I point blank refused and said no way my kids dont sleep with me they are teens but I believe kids should self soothe unless unwell etc. his daughter 11, so hes put a stop to it so I'm glad about that. And Please say if you think I'm being unreasonable but he has severe snoring issues to the point where if I sleep downstairs I can still hear him he has gone to sleep clinic but were waiting obviously at present its going to take longer in the meantime I miss my own bed i cant wake him to kick him out hes a sleepy head big time, I appreciate he gets up early and works hard long hours etc but as soon as hes in hes on the sofa watching TV. On his days off hes falling asleep all the time hes binge eating total junk food and soft drinks soft drinks he goes through large bottles on a daily basis hes overweight too he doesnt eat all day at work so binge eats tons of crap at once it's like if wehave desert he cant have a slice of cake he will eat the whole cake or what's left of it . I have tried to encourage him I'm very healthy and work out regularly very active I work full time but then still have the kids and a million other things to do in the house I appreciate that the snoring may be causing issues but its all a vicious cycle its depressing me because apart from this hes amazing guy I love to bits but I don't get the constant lays on sofa all day in and out of consciousness I think its lack of quality sleep due to the horrendous volume of snoring but is the junk food causing it. I think hes totally addicted to junk food too I explained if he ate better hed have more energy he thinks people are different and he likes to laze all day where I dont fair enough but to me it seems a shame wasting your days off falling asleep and binging, is it me do I not get it or what? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
RantyAnty · 13/04/2020 12:53

Far too much too soon.
Tell him to go home.
Get your bed and home back.

The issues are big ones and they won't change.

Notwiththeseknees · 13/04/2020 14:19

If you are just lonely and want a bit of company or someone to talk to and that makes you laugh and something that slobs about snoring, consider you consider getting a pig. At least you would have some nice bacon to look forward to.

katejk31 · 13/04/2020 15:50

I knew him for 2 years prior to our relationship, thanks all but I know what is right for me and my children and my ex was an alcoholic gambler so I really dont care what he thinks. I wasnt looking for judgement just views we are living together because his ex wife has the money on hold for his home he cant stay with his mum due to Corona so yes its temporary were key workers.

OP posts:
YouJustDoYou · 13/04/2020 15:57

Well as it's temporary you'll only have to put up with it for a short time (hopefully) before he moves out and you can get your peace back. You can still date obviously bit sounds like you just aren't compatible as live-in partners.

noyoucannotcomein · 13/04/2020 16:03

Poor kids.

There's no excuse for moving so fast with kids involved. COVID or not. I'm sure he would have had to make other arrangements if he was single. And maybe the fact your kids father is an unreliable mess is a good enough reason not to shack them up with a stranger and his kid after mere weeks.

GeekyGirl42 · 13/04/2020 16:55

OP you most definitely deserve compassion rather than judgement. Being a mother doesn't mean you aren't also human. You can't change anything you've already done. The others are very right in saying this was too much too soon, kids or no kids.

Do the kids understand this is a temporary arrangement? If so, I'm guessing they also understand quite well the reasons for it, given their ages.

It is completely understandable that after everything you've been through, you value having someone around who you can talk to and who can make you laugh. That's not a big enough shopping list for a partner.

I'm guessing very much that your kids can see the problem and probably a an undertone of resentment from you towards your partner. What's important now is that they see how you handle this situation.

I can't believe there isn't a single person here who's not at some point in their lives rushed in with someone and regretted it. You can teach your kids an important lesson by ensuring clear boundaries with this man (he should at least half the time be the one displaced to the sofa if the snoring is keeping you awake), and I imagine you are going to want to untangle yourself from this when covid-19 sunsets.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/04/2020 17:11

I can't believe there isn't a single person here who's not at some point in their lives rushed in with someone and regretted it

Since being a single mum 8 years ago? Never. Never ever. It's unconscionable when you have children.

Patsypie · 13/04/2020 17:14

He sounds a real catch 🙄

GlassFull8923 · 13/04/2020 17:16

His ex wife had the money

He needs to sort out his own finances, they are not your problem

Get back into your own bed & can sleep on the sofa if necessary

An adult, shouldn't spend time asleep on the sofa, suggest things to do alone or together

Do you intend to live separately after the virus ?

Electrical · 13/04/2020 17:20

Please punctuate your posts, OP, it’s very difficult to try and make sense of them.

ThePrettyOneX · 13/04/2020 17:26

You two dont sound compatible. Sorry but what is amazing about a fat, lazy, snoring man in your house? You deserve better!

noyoucannotcomein · 13/04/2020 17:28

I can't believe there isn't a single person here who's not at some point in their lives rushed in with someone and regretted it.

You think every single parent is doing this to their kids? Really?

Because it's the kids aspect that matters. If OP and her DP were childless, then no big deal.

Whaddyathinkofthis · 13/04/2020 17:29

You say you're "so in love" but then have nothing nice to say about him!

I agree with ppa, you're just not compatible.

AnnUumellemahaye · 13/04/2020 17:32

What do you mean you knew him for two years before you dated him? Initially you said you met up with him accidentally after your marriage broke up and that he was an old flame you dated years ago, despite being with your ex for ‘most of your life’. Confused

It doesn’t really matter which is true, six months is still far, far too soon to be moving a man in with your children. Which you are now finding out to your cost, as it doesn’t sound as though the relationship is going to last.

Pennywort · 13/04/2020 17:34

thanks all but I know what is right for me and my children

So that was why you moved in a lazy, junk-addicted couch potato who snores deafeningly, and whose primary effect on you appears to be irritation, in with your kids only a few months into a rebound relationship?

I don't think you have the faintest idea what's right for you and your children.

FififoxFo · 13/04/2020 17:40

Very strange reaction from OP who was asking for help.

Pennywort · 13/04/2020 17:44

It happens regularly on here -- someone who claims everything is wonderful with their relationship apart from one specific thing. But the relationship they describe is absolutely awful, which people point out, and then the OP gets violently defensive of her man, and says everyone is being unfair and viperish and she knows what she's doing, and can we stick to the junk food issue?

Elieza · 13/04/2020 18:04

He’s not the one for you. He just happened to be there when you were lonely.
Now you’re thinking it’s better to have him than nothing as you have lost your confidence.

You need about a year between serious relationships to get your head together.
You just moved too quickly.
As soon as you can, get him to sort the money out with his ex and get a pad of his own.
If you still want to date you can but tbh I think his health is more trouble than it’s worth.
He’s not interested in sorting himself out. He just wants to eat his feelings. He should seek counselling to get over whatever’s got him to this place. Before he gets seriously ill with type two diabetes, heart disease or sleep apnoea. Sorry.

katejk31 · 13/04/2020 20:24

Hi ex wife has the money on hold due to dispute it's his money! Please dont comment on what you dont know its been a very complex situation thanks

OP posts:
chickenyhead · 13/04/2020 20:27

its a good job that you were there to save the day then I guess.

katejk31 · 13/04/2020 20:29

I was half asleep last night his good points are really good he treats me really well when we could go out he wines and dines me adores me tells me how beautiful I am all the time if I've learned something today it's never ask for advice from strangers who have no knowledge of the other side of the person your talking about hes a good hearted kind man who adores me, he is trying to cut down the sugar he has seen the sleep clinic and I think hes doing what he can hes offered to sleep on sofa but its 5 am starts so unless I'm in bed at 8pm teens in bed too how can he and it's his money his ex wife never worked a day in her life despite full time childcare from his mother! I was having a bad night and I tale your points maybe its been a rush but ordinarily I'm very happy so are my kids now I'm not with an addicted husband

OP posts:
BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 20:30

Please dont comment on what you dont know its been a very complex situation thanks

This is an amazing retort considering you have literally asked people to comment on the situation on a discussion forum! 😂

You've been incredibly irresponsible and it's come back to bite you in the arse.

katejk31 · 13/04/2020 20:31

Take your points apologies for the spelling errors autotext on phone and phone typing errors small screen unfortunately, to which will no doubt be pointed out on here due to the high importance!

OP posts:
litterbird · 13/04/2020 20:35

If his snoring is bothering you now I would exit the relationship immediately. I suffered for 4 years with a noisy snorer. He was tested and tried everything to stop, 3 operations on his throat. In the end my health suffered due to me not sleeping properly. He’s really not the man for you so I would exit as soon as possible before your health takes a turn.

JonesyCat40 · 13/04/2020 20:41

It’s your children’s home as well as yours, shipping in some random man and his kid in who seem to disrupt the place is irresponsible to say the least, and frankly selfish. They must have already had a traumatic time with your ex with him being an alcoholic, and now they have another poor choice foisted on them.
Put your own kids first instead of your need for a man.