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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

6 months into new relationship so in love but there are issues

96 replies

katejk31 · 13/04/2020 02:26

I separated from my husband/ex about 9 months ago we had been together most of our lives to this point summer last year, it was devastating I went through so much had counselling solo for 9 months before and after the separation. Anyway 3 months after the separation I met accidentally an old flame someone I dated a few times we really hit it off I went with the flow it was soon wasnt even expecting anything but weve really fallen for each other. Fast forward 6 months and for practical reasons too long to explain we are under the same roof and there have been a few issues that I'm not sure how to deal with he has already done a lot to compromise on a couple of things but still difficult his daughter adorable but extremely difficult very demanding but just a kid but expecting to sleep in bed with us etc I point blank refused and said no way my kids dont sleep with me they are teens but I believe kids should self soothe unless unwell etc. his daughter 11, so hes put a stop to it so I'm glad about that. And Please say if you think I'm being unreasonable but he has severe snoring issues to the point where if I sleep downstairs I can still hear him he has gone to sleep clinic but were waiting obviously at present its going to take longer in the meantime I miss my own bed i cant wake him to kick him out hes a sleepy head big time, I appreciate he gets up early and works hard long hours etc but as soon as hes in hes on the sofa watching TV. On his days off hes falling asleep all the time hes binge eating total junk food and soft drinks soft drinks he goes through large bottles on a daily basis hes overweight too he doesnt eat all day at work so binge eats tons of crap at once it's like if wehave desert he cant have a slice of cake he will eat the whole cake or what's left of it . I have tried to encourage him I'm very healthy and work out regularly very active I work full time but then still have the kids and a million other things to do in the house I appreciate that the snoring may be causing issues but its all a vicious cycle its depressing me because apart from this hes amazing guy I love to bits but I don't get the constant lays on sofa all day in and out of consciousness I think its lack of quality sleep due to the horrendous volume of snoring but is the junk food causing it. I think hes totally addicted to junk food too I explained if he ate better hed have more energy he thinks people are different and he likes to laze all day where I dont fair enough but to me it seems a shame wasting your days off falling asleep and binging, is it me do I not get it or what? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Shadowdoor21 · 13/04/2020 20:45

How is his ex having his money on hold your problem? I'd get maybe risking it if you had no kids but...as is you've probably been a bit rash moving him in.

You are doing him a massive favour a- and here he is slobbing about and keeping you awake and sending you to the sofa in your own home.

Sorry but, seens like you're being taken for a mug. Maybe this could have worked out...but not under the same roof. And who pray tell is paying for all the junk food he guzzles if he is so broke?

Aerial2020 · 13/04/2020 20:46

People are responding only to the info you have written. Of course strangers are not going to know all the ins &outs.
You put in your first paragraph that you miss your bed OP. But as he has early starts, and he snores etc can't change the sleeping arrangements and you have the sofa.
You are putting this man's needs above your own. It's YOUR bed, not a joint house? Why are his needs ,someone you are only dating, above yours??
You don't need to justify yourself to strangers or explain how happy you are but you asked for opinions. And to give up your bed so willingly is a bit odd after only 6 months and what you have been through with your ex.
I think well meaning people are trying to say that, that your sleep is just as important.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/04/2020 20:52

You know there are rental homes yes? What would he have done for a place to live if you hadn't offered him yours?

Sux2buthen · 13/04/2020 20:58

I'm guessing that in the wee small hours the problems seemed insurmountable and op was knackered.
Now that time has passed and she's regretting the rant (although it was understandable)
I've posted things before that are rants and the had to hide the thread because I knew I'd made it sound worse than it was.
Hope it gets better for you op, problems do seem worse in the night!
You do need sleep though

GeekyGirl42 · 13/04/2020 21:04

Actually, OP, I think, even more so having read your reply, people are also being overly judgemental towards him. It still is too much to soon IMHO, but, doesn't mean you should chuck him.

Maybe see if you can wind things back to him having his own place as soon as he can, and then building things from there.

To everyone else - lots of people are stress eating and stress drinking during lockdown. OP has said, he was working on his diet. Might be a tad unrealistic to expect him to immediately transform under these circumstances.

I'm sorry, OP. I guess all you really needed here was support. BTW - your sleep is very important. Maybe see if you can work a schedule that gets you into your bed some nights?

MerryDeath · 13/04/2020 21:17

too long and unpunctuated; didn't read but i PROMISE if you are finding issues 6 months in you should end the relationship.

Sux2buthen · 13/04/2020 22:43

Also I just wanted to add that at 2.30am when you're knackered and frustrated, perfect punctuation isn't on your mind, I'm sure! The many people here that claim they couldn't read it are exaggerating wildly lol

Elieza · 14/04/2020 00:15

Youve just confirmed my point in your last post OP - by the wording you used it sounds like you are ‘settling’ for this man because he’s better than the last asshole.

There are plenty of good guys out there who can wine and dine and love you. He’s not the only one.

You’ve jumped onto him because you’re scared you’ll never find anyone else who loves you as much and he’s not perfect but he’s a good guy....etc.

Yeah a good guy whom you won’t hear a word against as you don’t want to face the truth.

He’s not the one. He has other addictions - sugar and junk food. You’ve swapped one addict for another. He’s unhealthy.

Why do you need to be with him? Why can’t you live in separate houses? Are you sure there is any money and this guy isn’t just a cocklodger? Sorry OP, I’m not trying to burst your bubble, just being honest.

AnnUumellemahaye · 14/04/2020 07:48

it's his money his ex wife never worked a day in her life despite full time childcare from his mother!

Eh? Is that what he told you? There is something a bit off about that. And besides, whether you think she deserves the money is not the point. If they were married then it’s technically her money too, whether you like it or not.

Does his DD live full time you you and him now? If so, why? And why has the full time childcare from his mother suddenly evaporated?

AvoidingRealHumans · 14/04/2020 09:09

The problem ongoing will be that once lockdown is over, he will see no point in going home to his mothers as you're in a relationship and basically live together now.
It will seem like a step backwards so if I were you I would make it crystal clear now that this is still temporary no matter how much you love him etc..

AnnUumellemahaye · 14/04/2020 09:12

Something tells me this isn't temporary actually, but the OP is saying it is, to get less flak.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 14/04/2020 11:54

I've learned something today it's never ask for advice from strangers who have no knowledge of the other side of the person your talking about hes a good hearted kind man who adores me

Hmmyou are the one that posted and slagged him off

Please dont comment on what you dont know its been a very complex situation thanks

Hmm people are allowed to comment, it's forum, that's the whole point. Don't like it? Don't put up a post asking for opinions.

Whaddyathinkofthis · 14/04/2020 12:50

I've learned something today it's never ask for advice from strangers who have no knowledge of the other side of the person your talking about hes a good hearted kind man who adores me

Of course no one here knows the other side of him. You're a stranger on an anonymous internet forum! We only know what you have told us! And you painted a pretty shit picture!

Please dont comment on what you dont know its been a very complex situation thanks

You know, I can pretty much guarantee with absolute certainty that no one who has commented on this thread would have said a word if you hadn't posted on it inviting opinions from complete strangers based on the description you gave. It was hardly unsolicited advice 🤣

HTH.

Shadowdoor21 · 14/04/2020 14:48

Oh dear op, that comment about his ex. Sorry op but you picked another prize. Surely having dated an abuser you learned of their tactics?

She stayed at home and raised the children and clearly he was cool with that or he would have left her sooner. Slagging off their exs is never a good sign. Have you even met her?

Not to say he will necessarily turn out like the last guy but... you certainly seem to be taking unnecessary risks all things considered. Counciling is all well and good but it doesnt teach you how to spot and avoid potential abusers in future. You have to learn that stuff too. And any man who gave me a sob story about a useless ex who is holding all his money hostage...I'd be running for the fecken hills.

littleeasterbonnet · 14/04/2020 14:56

Why did he split up with his ex?

Mustbethewine · 14/04/2020 15:04

You're 6 months in and the relationship, as you put it, making you feel depressed. You should still be in the honey moon period. It's a pretty big red flag IMO!

Ipadipod · 14/04/2020 15:05

Please dont comment on what you dont know its been a very complex situation thanks

It’s probably best not to post on an anonymous forum without giving all the details, people can only comment based on the information you have given.

CanofCant · 14/04/2020 15:07

There used to be an excellent pinned post at the top of this section which mentioned something along the lines of 'a grade 6 bastard is no better than a grade 9 bastard'. Your OP reminded me of that.

Clymene · 14/04/2020 15:11

Whatever the situation, moving a man and his child into your home and your bed within 6 months of starting a relationship and within 9 months of ending an abusive one isn't fair on your children and it's probably not much good for you either. After a long stint in an unhealthy relationship, you need time to work on resetting your boundaries.

There is no way you were - or are - ready for a new relationship. There's a lot of unlearning to be done. Focus on loving yourself and your children

Shadowdoor21 · 14/04/2020 15:15

Just an idea but, if you really want to know the measure of this man, broach the topic of him moving out and see how he takes it. If he gets grumpy, tries to guilt trip you or dismisses the idea as if its somehow his choice then you'll know he's a wrong'un.

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