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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

6 months into new relationship so in love but there are issues

96 replies

katejk31 · 13/04/2020 02:26

I separated from my husband/ex about 9 months ago we had been together most of our lives to this point summer last year, it was devastating I went through so much had counselling solo for 9 months before and after the separation. Anyway 3 months after the separation I met accidentally an old flame someone I dated a few times we really hit it off I went with the flow it was soon wasnt even expecting anything but weve really fallen for each other. Fast forward 6 months and for practical reasons too long to explain we are under the same roof and there have been a few issues that I'm not sure how to deal with he has already done a lot to compromise on a couple of things but still difficult his daughter adorable but extremely difficult very demanding but just a kid but expecting to sleep in bed with us etc I point blank refused and said no way my kids dont sleep with me they are teens but I believe kids should self soothe unless unwell etc. his daughter 11, so hes put a stop to it so I'm glad about that. And Please say if you think I'm being unreasonable but he has severe snoring issues to the point where if I sleep downstairs I can still hear him he has gone to sleep clinic but were waiting obviously at present its going to take longer in the meantime I miss my own bed i cant wake him to kick him out hes a sleepy head big time, I appreciate he gets up early and works hard long hours etc but as soon as hes in hes on the sofa watching TV. On his days off hes falling asleep all the time hes binge eating total junk food and soft drinks soft drinks he goes through large bottles on a daily basis hes overweight too he doesnt eat all day at work so binge eats tons of crap at once it's like if wehave desert he cant have a slice of cake he will eat the whole cake or what's left of it . I have tried to encourage him I'm very healthy and work out regularly very active I work full time but then still have the kids and a million other things to do in the house I appreciate that the snoring may be causing issues but its all a vicious cycle its depressing me because apart from this hes amazing guy I love to bits but I don't get the constant lays on sofa all day in and out of consciousness I think its lack of quality sleep due to the horrendous volume of snoring but is the junk food causing it. I think hes totally addicted to junk food too I explained if he ate better hed have more energy he thinks people are different and he likes to laze all day where I dont fair enough but to me it seems a shame wasting your days off falling asleep and binging, is it me do I not get it or what? Thanks in advance.

OP posts:
Jollypolly999 · 13/04/2020 07:57

Wow I'm exhausted just reading that in my head with hardly any pause. Punctuation springs to mind!!

Do what you feel is best for you, not anyone else.

Bananalanacake · 13/04/2020 08:03

The best way to deal with a snorer is to never live with them. On the rare occasion they stay at yours they sleep in another room.

category12 · 13/04/2020 08:10

Really, you're living with someone after 6 months when you both have kids? Did any thought at all go into how that affected them? And now you've discovered he's lazy as fuck and you're not well suited. Madness.

wonkytonkwoman · 13/04/2020 08:12

One way of looking at it would be to say that, post marriage breakdown, you are discovering who you are and what you want for yourself in a future partner. It's a learning curve and this one is teaching you what not to settle for, by the sounds of it.

CaramelBuff · 13/04/2020 08:14

Rebound relationship and now you have the ick. You are worth more than this lazy slob Flowers

funnylittlefloozie · 13/04/2020 08:46

You haven't once mentioned what you find so lovable and amazing about him. Is it just that he isnt a 24-carat arsehole like your ex? Also, if this is your house, why are YOU sleeping on the sofa when HE is the one with sleep issues?

You moved too fast here, and now you know why people advise taking things slowly. Tell him living together isnt working, and he'll have to find somewhere else to go.

RitmoRatmo · 13/04/2020 09:09

You’re only 6 month into a new r’ship. Now should be the time for passion, seeing only eachothers best bits, looking forward to going on dates, staying at eachothers houses when you don’t have the kids, pining for one another when not together etc.

It shouldn’t be at the stage where you’re living together, fed up with eachothers unappealing habits, having blended the families, posting on a forum about your lazy fat partner.

It makes me wonder if you perhaps were just wanting to replace the “long marriage” feeling after your marriage ended, which is understandable but not healthy or positive for either you or your kids.

End this rebound r’ship with this man before your respective kids’ lives get any more entangled and enmeshed. Live on your own with your kids for a while. Date, have fun, flirt, fancy people, but try not to jump into another “long marriage” type set-up for at least a couple of years.

NoMoreDickheads · 13/04/2020 09:28

What PP's said. You're not compatible. And you're sleeping on the sofa in your own house? Shock

FinallyHere · 13/04/2020 09:38

Too much, too soon.

If he moved in to your place, ask him to leave. If you moved in to his, find your own place.

Tricky at the moment, I see

Thisisworsethananticpated · 13/04/2020 09:49

No red flags per se
But just not compatible surely ?
Just make
Plans to split when this is all over

Ps my 12 and 9 year old will sleep with me when scared , that’s quite normal

AvoidingRealHumans · 13/04/2020 09:58

Just the snoring would be a deal breaker for me. My mum snores like that and when she stays at mine I get rage, I've asked my stepdad how he is still with her, its awful.

On a serious note, I think when you move in with someone or go on holiday with them you become enlightened to things that you didn't notice or know about before - either for the better or worse.
It sounds like you fell for each other quite quickly which is lovely but when it became serious and you moved in very quickly for whatever reasons you have come to see how he really is and it's not for you. It doesn't mean to say he is horrible but maybe living together was either way too soon or not meant to be at all.
You didn't really spend enough time on your own after a long relationship so maybe entered this relationship with rose tinted specs on and the reality has hit now.
No one is perfect so you need to decide whether you can stay living with this man who clearly grates on your last nerve and find a way round it or if you will end it all.
Best of luck

Dontletitbeyou · 13/04/2020 10:55

To be honest you’ve called him overweight , criticised his eating habits , complained about his snoring etc Sounds like he just irritates you , from where I’m standing Think you should find someone more compatible , and move on

Ipadipod · 13/04/2020 11:03

This is the honeymoon period and should be an amazing time for you- it’s not though is it ? Things will only get worse I’m afraid.

Miraclescometrue · 13/04/2020 11:07

When is he amazing?

It sounds like he’s only alive for twenty minutes a day.

It’s a shame you didn’t already know all this about him when you ended up on lockdown together. But you know now. Can one of you move out now permanently? (Not clear whose home it is.)

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 13/04/2020 11:07

What an earth are you with him for? Greedy, selfish and lazy and he has basically kicked you out of your OWN bed?! Not a catch! Get rid. This is not the man for you clearly.

Biscuitsdisappear · 13/04/2020 11:12

Buy some earplugs.

anotherdisaster · 13/04/2020 11:14

Its your house and your bed. If he snores then HE sleeps on the sofa. He is snoring because he is over-weight so no idea why you need a sleep clinic to tell you that.
Just tell him straight. Shape up or ship out. He's not gonna get any better.

lilybetsy · 13/04/2020 11:21

he sounds gross. Don't settle for this crap . move on, take some time alone and concentrate on yourself and your children...

katejk31 · 13/04/2020 11:28

I should have put the positive too but yes up tired when posted. He is funny caring and I can talk to him hes a great listener and talker makes me laugh so much he has so many great qualities very caring great with my kids offers help around house etc will do anything for me . Hes been sleep clinic obviously with covid they have delayed. He works extremely long hours so it is understandable I've just explained hes not helping himself with his diet and obviously not quality sleep with the apnea. I appreciate your comments but I am very happy apart from these issues. Thanks all

OP posts:
katejk31 · 13/04/2020 11:35

For those who mention punctuation this is a chat site ... I posted at 2 am! wasnt really what I was concerned with. 😂

OP posts:
forumdonkey · 13/04/2020 12:29

You can't possibly know this man and you've moved him in with all your DC's. What is the rush? It's also not fair on your DC's.

AnnUumellemahaye · 13/04/2020 12:33

So are you in his house or is he in yours? Do your kids live with you and him?

AnnUumellemahaye · 13/04/2020 12:36

I really think it's important to explain how/why you came to be living together so soon. Is it just temporary because of the Covid situation? Only on the face of it, it just seems like you've made a huge, huge mistake by jumping in feet first so quickly. I mean you've only been together six months in total now, so how long have you actually been living together?

It really is incredibly poor judgement on your part by the way. I feel for your children and if I were your ex I'd be absolutely fucking FURIOUS with you.

CodenameVillanelle · 13/04/2020 12:37

What made you think it was a good idea to move a new man in with your kids less than a year after splitting with their father?

GeekyGirl42 · 13/04/2020 12:46

Seems a bit odd to me that it's always you to sleep on the sofa. I snore. In my OWN house even I wouldn't dream of that meaning my partner has to sleep on the sofa every night to get a gold nights sleep!!