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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

checked his phone

85 replies

Figroller · 12/04/2020 21:02

Hi, checked my husbands phone last night. Don't know why just thought something was off and saw messages to another woman. I know who she is and she is supposedly just a friend. Also he's been calling her literally every day.

Tbh don't want to blow this all up while we are on lockdown and I need more evidence. But struggling to hold it down today, I feel like my heads going to explode.

From what I gather he's been visiting her for sex, like a booty call, and obviously with the current situation he's not been able to.

OP posts:
Krazynights34 · 12/04/2020 21:04

So sorry!
Do you have children?
Were there warning signs?

TwistyHair · 12/04/2020 21:05

So sorry to hear that. You must be beside yourself

Original poster
Figroller · 12/04/2020 21:07

Yes we've been married for 17 years and have children.

Hes done it before. I don't want to confront him until I have concrete evidence because I dont want to forgive him this time. Its just so hard to act normal.

OP posts:
Raaaa · 12/04/2020 21:10

So sorry to hear this :( why do men have to be such dicks! Angry must be a kick in the teeth when it's been done before

Original poster
Figroller · 12/04/2020 21:12

Thank you for replying I just needed to talk. I am going to tell my family this time, but just difficult at the minute.

I hate him. He's probably been doing it all along. He will try and blame me.

OP posts:
Chickenwing · 12/04/2020 21:19

Sorry OP Flowers I'd say your not feeling well/headache as an excuse to stay out his way. Did you take photos of the messages?

Original poster
Figroller · 12/04/2020 21:26

Yes I did. Luckily he's still working ft and I'm pt so we are not stuck in the house 24/7. He's very protective over his phone. He doesn't realise I know the pincode. I literally had to wait until he was asleep last night. I think he deletes things but he's quite careless. He's got her stored under a fake name but I recognise her watsapp photo.

One minute I think I can do it and then I just feel like I am going to lose my shit.

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 12/04/2020 21:34

OP, you don't need more evidence. You really don't. And he's very unlikely to let you get hold of any more evidence.

If she lives alone I'd set him free. They won't end up happy, but who cares?

Raaaa · 12/04/2020 21:39

Unfortunately, eventually you'll have to confront him about this. Ive been there aswell and also took photos of the evidence so he couldn't play it down and deny it. I completely understand the trying to act normal is hard when your head is racing and you feel like your life has fallen apart. I hope it works out for you x

Original poster
Figroller · 12/04/2020 21:44

She doesn't. She has younger children. He wouldn't want to live with her. He seems to just want his cake and eat it. We have quite a happy relationship, yesterday we spent the whole day together at home all good and then he went out in the car to call her.

I feel like I can't say anything yet for the sake of our child if that makes sense. We are all fed up as it is. He won't have anywhere to go. He will be angry I've checked his phone and make it all about that.

I sound like a doormat I know but this time I've made up my mind I'm going to tell my mum before I confront him. That way there is no going back.

OP posts:
Original poster
Figroller · 12/04/2020 21:46

Thank you so much for replying to me I just needed to say it out loud.

OP posts:
Raaaa · 12/04/2020 21:50

I don't think you're a doormat. On here the common comment is to leave but it's not always that simple and you need to get things in place first. At least if you get family on side that's a support. Best of luck

LoisMME · 12/04/2020 21:50

I would kick his backside out the house and let him go live with her. He will soon realise the grass isn't greener once he's stuck under the same roof as her.
Hope you're ok.
Kick his backside out and get happy

Aerial2020 · 12/04/2020 21:50
Flowers
floss1547 · 12/04/2020 21:53

Really hope you're okay? Is the girl a friend to you? Definitely confront him but only when you're ready to and when you do please don't let him turn it on you!! Xx

Didntwanttochangemyname · 12/04/2020 21:56

That's great you can talk to your mum, will she be able to give you lots of emotional support?

Original poster
Figroller · 12/04/2020 22:01

Yes my mums great and I have sisters. I didn't want to tell them until I'm ready to confront him because my mum will be worried to death and I can't even see her even though she lives near by.

I'm not leaving my home so he will have to go. She's not my friend no, I think they used to date before we got together but he's never admitted it. What a mess. I'm just going to have to be strong and get through the next few weeks.

OP posts:
Fairycake2 · 12/04/2020 22:05

I understand why you don't want to rock the boat now. I'd do the same if I was in your situation. Best thing you can do is get prepared for when lockdown is over. Get paperwork together, take copies, look at cm, find a solicitor, prepare divorce papers etc. It's much easier to divorce for unreasonable behaviour rather than adultery as you dont need evidence. I appreciate you might want to but it's best to just get it done. In the meantime be kind to yourself and talk to your mum if you can. Sending hugs. I hope you are ok

Devoilmum · 12/04/2020 22:09

So sorry you’re going through this @Figroller.

I’m in the same position, just a few weeks on. My Dp was away and messaged me but quickly deleted. The message made sense but the deletion didn’t, it just wasn’t meant for me. I don’t know him pin for his phone and he has face recognition but fell asleep with it open one night and I found a couple of messages from a work colleague who I suspected several months ago was more than a friend.
I’m biding my time, getting myself some strength and an exit plan. He has no idea I know and actually I wouldn’t have known. He deletes everything. I don’t think he calls her, it’s all texts.

It’s good you’ll have support from your family. The anger will subside a bit, and your resolve with keep you going. I see her messages pop up on his phone but I’ve stuck to him to make it difficult for him to reply. Now when he talks about Christmas or holiday next year, I quietly laugh to myself as it’ll be much different to however he’s thinking it’s going to be! He has no plans to leave me and the dcs- he’s got it all at the moment. Soon to lose a lot.

Icanflyhigh · 12/04/2020 22:18

So sorry to read this OP, start getting your ducks in a row and as hard as it is, try not to let him know you're onto him - as soon as he is suspicious you know something, he will hide even more so.

How old are your DCs?

Noshowlomo · 12/04/2020 22:22

I’m so sorry. What an ass. I really hope you can get enough so he can just f off without making out he’s not the bad guy.

Original poster
Figroller · 12/04/2020 22:45

Our dd is 16. I feel bad I've not been good company for her today. Only had about 3 hours sleep last night. Hopefully tonight will be better.

@Devoilmum so sorry you are going through this too. You sound so strong. Hes just come home and I've managed to be nice. He's probably been doing this for so long he doesn't even suspect a thing. I don't think my dh has any intention of leaving either, he has a very comfortable life here.

As much as I want to check his phone at every opportunity I can't get caught so I have to be careful.

@Fairycake2 thank you. I will take whatever reason I can get. I'm fully prepared for him to blame me. At this point I don't really care.

OP posts:
copycopypaste · 12/04/2020 22:53

So sorry this is happening op Thanks

Use this time to get your shit together, ring and get an appointment with a good solicitor, find out where you stand and what to expect, work out what you want from the divorce (if that's what you decide to do). Get all your paperwork squirrelled away, photo copies for bank statements, his pay slips, mortgage and his pensions etc. Get in the front foot so you can dictate to him what you want etc.

Try to get copies of the most damming texts, take screen shots or even photos of them into your phone, so he can't talk his way out.

Don't give a fuck about him moaning about you looking at his phone. You're not in the wrong

Do lean on family and friends, you'll need their support

Lauren12F · 12/04/2020 22:55

Seriously hang in there. He will hang himself. You don't need more evidence to leave. You can leave anytime you want to but he will most likely lie and you could be left feeling like you've over reacted etc. Keep checking his phone, gathering evidence and taking photos. You need to get as much on him as you can for when you confront him, he won't be able to wriggle out of anything then. In the meantime get your ducks in a row.

letsdolunch321 · 12/04/2020 22:58

What an absolute scumbag you are married to.

Please do not take personally that he will blame you, he is one million percent the one at fault here. As others have said get as much information as you can together, good luck 💐

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