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Original poster

checked his phone

85 replies

Figroller · 12/04/2020 21:02

Hi, checked my husbands phone last night. Don't know why just thought something was off and saw messages to another woman. I know who she is and she is supposedly just a friend. Also he's been calling her literally every day.

Tbh don't want to blow this all up while we are on lockdown and I need more evidence. But struggling to hold it down today, I feel like my heads going to explode.

From what I gather he's been visiting her for sex, like a booty call, and obviously with the current situation he's not been able to.

OP posts:
Lauren12F · 12/04/2020 23:02

Make sure his family knows what he is.....and preferably the OW's family too. A friend of mine found out about her husband messaging someone else, she held it together and kept secretly checking his messages. Then one day she turned up where they had arranged to me! She then forwarded all the screen shots to the OW's husband and family members (including her in-laws).....she worked out who they were because of their surnames on her open Facebook account. She even emailed the OW's employer questioning her suitability for the profession she was in 🙈.

Lauren12F · 12/04/2020 23:04

*meet

Original poster
Figroller · 12/04/2020 23:17

@Lauren12F wow she really meant business. I did think this will all come to a head once lockdown ends. I'm sure he will say he is going out but really go to hers and I might invite myself along and watch him squirm. Hopefully by then I'll have the evidence to end it.

Thank you so much for your kind words and support everyone. Flowers

OP posts:
MMmomDD · 12/04/2020 23:50

OP - you already have the evidence you need, or where the messages vague?

Also - it’s unlikely that whatever is going on with this woman is just a booty call. Even if thinking that way may be easier for you. He dated her before - so there is a connection and familiarity, and history. And no one goes to great lengths and takes risks to have daily conversations with a booty call, especially now that we are on lockdown.

And finally, whenever you get to making your move - please try not to become unhinged like @Lauren12F ‘s friend did. It’s one thing to show up where they meet, or tell the other person’s partner. But to involve wider family, and their employers is nuts. It only reflects badly on her.

Lauren12F · 12/04/2020 23:55

I wouldn't suggest doing what my friend did but it does make me smile when I think of it. She was pregnant and extremely upset at the time. I do believe in telling his family though because otherwise they will get a different version of events.

notapizzaeater · 12/04/2020 23:56

Some men are just idiots and think we are stupid. Take this time to get everything in order, sort financials out etc then deal with him.

MMmomDD · 13/04/2020 00:40

@Lauren12F
Pregnant and extremely upset isn’t an excuse to hurt innocent people. Parents and family members did nothing to her. And she didn’t just send them a message saying there was an affair - to make sure the story was out there - she sent screenshots of intimate messages. Or possibly sexual messages. Who does that? It’s malicious and cruel.
Not sure what there is to smile about - innocent people being hurt?

Devoilmum · 13/04/2020 08:27

Now you know you’ll probably see a pattern to his behaviour. My DP spends an hour each night in the bathroom- I suspect he’s messaging her while having a shit. Nice.
He’s not working now so is busy making the house nice and doing all the jobs that need doing. She is messaging every day but sometimes when I check his home screen the messages have been there for hours.
We have dcs and I’m worried for them, how a break up will impact them but certainly at the moment, it’s best to keep things as they are.
I’m working from home but using this time to try and get some evidence, I really have very little. Get jobs done around the house but really give myself the confidence I need to go it alone. I’m hoping I’ll be able to buy him out of the house and stay here with the dcs.
Sadly it’s made me question our whole relationship.

Sending you strength to get through this, you’re stronger than you think. I hope you managed some sleep last night.

Lauren12F · 13/04/2020 09:33

@MMmomDD Wow. You have more sympathy with a cheat than you do a betrayed, pregnant woman? I think it's very cruel to cheat on a pregnant woman. I think if more cheats faced severe consequences then maybe they'd stop ruining innocent people's (including children's) lives themselves. I wouldn't have the balls to do what she did but I think he got what he deserved. Play with fire and all that.

MMmomDD · 13/04/2020 09:54

@Lauren12F

He cheated. No sympathy for him.
His parents, her parents or other family members didn’t have anything to do with it.
Or - do you somehow think that its all a fair game?
So if an elderly parent got a heart attack following her actions - that would be
‘he got what he deserved’?

If someone hurts you - you don’t get a right to go and kick other people.

Lauren12F · 13/04/2020 10:04

@MMmomDD oh come off it! She just showed people what he really was....his mum was in her late 50's and survived seeing a few inappropriate (nothing graphic) messages. No one was hurt by it accept him and his side piece. I think that's the risk you run if you're a scummy cheat.

MMmomDD · 13/04/2020 10:41

@Lauren12F

All I said that the OP, or in fact anyone in that situation, which is terrible - should really try and not behave the way your friend did.
She didn’t only ‘showed what he was’ - she also showed herself to be a certain kind of person.
Life doesn’t end with affairs. And her kid still will have a relationship with their grandparents and with their father just as well.

Going through this difficult period with head held high and dignity will really pay off in the end - and won’t make one stuck in the past.
Pointless revenge doesn’t make anyone feel better

Lauren12F · 13/04/2020 10:52

@MMmomDD if you look, I said I wouldn't recommend doing that either.

You say life doesn't end with affairs, which is true. But you're wrong if you think they don't effect children. Seeing both parents isn't the same as growing up in the same house with them both (personal experience). Whilst I'm not suggesting staying in an unhappy relationship just for the kids, there are better ways to separate (with minimum impact) than having an affair. Lots of kids grow up into adults resenting their parents for having affairs and hurting their mother/father. He should have ended his relationship before cheating.

The think what my friend did says a lot about her.....that's she felt extremely betrayed. I also think it shows that she's balsy and won't be trodden on by people with low morals.

Lauren12F · 13/04/2020 10:54

@MMmomDD how are you so sure that revenge doesn't make people feel better? I beg to differ. It can help to bring closure.

NoMoreDickheads · 13/04/2020 11:03

@Lauren12F I agree. Revenge as in seeing that someone doesn't get away with treating us/people like shit is perfectly justifiable and satisfying.

anotherdisaster · 13/04/2020 11:10

So sorry OP, what a complete dick. I also agree that you don't need any more evidence. If you have seen enough on his phone to convince you of what he's doing then you can just end it. Did you take photos of the messages?
It must be horrendous living with him and not saying anything. Especially when he slopes off to ring her and thinks he's so clever that you don't know.
Of course he will make it all about you checking his phone but... SO WHAT? You have the evidence and I would tell him you will show everyone the messages if he doesn't go quietly.

MMmomDD · 13/04/2020 11:23

Of course divorce affects children.
By ‘life doesn’t end after the affair’ - I meant that the ties and relationships of the children and adults will still exist and will go on.
That’s why I think the couple needs to try to keep their fights and struggles within the couple and not bring in other people into it. And certainly not try to actively seek to hurt other people who had done nothing to them.

I am all for revenge - directed at the actual perpetrator. Enjoying humiliating (or hurting) of bystanders because you feel bad - I think is not on. It belongs on Jeremy Kyle but not in normal life.

Your friend would have come out of this much better and hot over it faster if she acted with more self respect and dignity. Told family and friends what happened in simple terms and went on with her life.
Then it’d be remembered as her being strong and amazing though the difficult times. Instead - she acted in a way that would make people pity her, at best. Or justify his actions for some - at worst - because he could point out to her being this unhinged sort of person. (Emailing work complaining of an affair is incomprehensible, for a normal person, for eg)

And in the end - it’s not best for the kid growing up in the middle of that mess.

Lauren12F · 13/04/2020 11:37

@MMmomDD how can it be kept between the couple when someone else is already involved? It didn't hurt his family members.....it embarrassed him and the OW.

Adults and children will still exist but the emotional scars still exist too.

How can you know my friend would have come out of this better by 'holding her head high' and not reacting? She doesn't regret it. It's your opinion that she's 'unhinged' I actually think she's clever and brave.

The OW involved was in a reasonably high position which required honesty (a value she doesn't hold), her employer replied thanking my friend (she didn't send photos to the employed. Just questioned her suitability for the job).

Also......if you believe a man is justified in his affair because he says his wife is unhinged then you're as bad as him.

Lauren12F · 13/04/2020 11:41

That’s why I think the couple needs to try to keep their fights and struggles within the couple and not bring in other people into it.

So she should just be a good little wife and keep quiet about what he's done because that somehow means she has dignity. The 'fight and struggle' is because he cheated.

floss1547 · 13/04/2020 11:54

@Lauren12F why don't you just leave it? You've said your opinion so stop carrying it on!

Lauren12F · 13/04/2020 11:59

@floss1547 what's it got to do with you? She started it by commenting on what I said 🤷‍♀️.

Dollywilde · 13/04/2020 12:14

This isn’t helpful for the OP.

Original poster
Figroller · 13/04/2020 12:14

@Devoilmum thank you I got a much better sleep last night, head feels clearer. He has deleted the messages already that I took photos off but I know there will be more. Sending you strength too I hope you manage to have an OK day. I'm going to focus on me and Dd today to help me get through.

@MMmomDD it may be more than a booty call. I'm trying to get total and complete evidence. Unfortunately I have asked him about this same woman before, he dismissed it as nothing so its probably been on and off for a while. I want there to be no doubt this time. I've had enough. It may mean playing the long game for a while but that's what I've decided to do.

OP posts:
Bbang · 13/04/2020 12:17

It’s @MMmomDD that’s derailing the thread here with wild ideas not @Lauren12F.

MMmomDD · 13/04/2020 12:24

OP - all you can do is regularly check messages. Not much evidence will pop up while lockdown is ongoing.
And if I were you - I’d not show my hand by ‘sticking to him like a glue’ - it will only make him suspicious but won’t stop the communication.

Also - check in deleted pictures - in case she sent him anything