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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He just spat at me

113 replies

Eastereggies · 12/04/2020 20:44

Background: obviously everyone in quarantine and doing each other's head in

Two DCs... One 6yo one 18m. He was out of line earlier today, got the ridiculous hump about me putting the dishwasher on and subsequently emptying it , because he'd put a BBQ part in there that he wanted to put on a specific wash. He Said "I didn't want me to put it on "...he never actually told me this tho,I'm supposed to read his mind... He literally threw the item back in the dishwasher, slammed the dishwasher door, huffed and puffed and stormed off. Then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the afternoon, didn't say thank you for dinner until I dragged it out of him

Put the kids to bed and I approach him for an apology for acting like a dick earlier. We all have moments but put your hands up and say sorry I was a turd just then.

It escalated into him calling me a slob ... (I'm not).... And picking up after me all day ..(. I think he means his OWN DCs).... And saying I'm a cunt and he's sick of hearing my voice ... Blah blah blah... This went on for a bit and I said what's the point in my dragging an apology out of you it's worthless.

He said some other hurtful things so I started throwing hurtful things back at him, i.e. congratulations on tidying up "my bedroom" you've succeeded in ignoring your kids again by doing these tasks.

It was meant to hurt him , as he was saying hurtful things to me, and it's not really true about him (well, not 100% anyway).

As i turned to walk away he spat at me

I'm fuming. I literally want to go up there and have a huge row but the kids are in bed

OP posts:

Original poster

Eastereggies · 13/04/2020 16:54

@Windyatthebeach what about him going though? Does it have to be me who leaves ?

OP posts:

Shadowdoor21 · 13/04/2020 16:55

Yeh no one is going to have a problem with you leaving an abusive partner. Even if it wasnt physical, no one should stay in verbal or mentally abusive situations. Or keep kids in those environments.

Shadowdoor21 · 13/04/2020 16:59

Ideally he should leave. But getting him to might not be possible. And you shouldnt stay there with your kids, digging your heels in in the hope he will leave. Of course if you feel at risk of physical harm again you can call the police and they might remove him.

Do you rent or own? Who's name is on the lease? Who's account do the Bills come from?

Could you ask him to go stay somewhere else 'for a few days' and change the locks when he is gone?

Windyatthebeach · 13/04/2020 17:06

He may feel he has control by saying he won't leave.
I left my exh while he was at work..

He lost his control over me that day
.

Original poster

Eastereggies · 13/04/2020 17:23

Financially it's a mess

The house is ours, we both paid deposit for it, and both contribute equally to mortgage, but as I was a student when we bought it they wouldn't allow me on the mortgage. It's coming up for renewal in July and the plan was to put me on the mortgage now I'm qualified and no longer a student

Anyone know where I stand here ? We are married, so does it matter my name not on mortgage?

He earns 4x more than me. I'm part time NHS. He pays most of bills but I think with some working around I can survive. I've been on entitledto.com to check what I could get .... It's not great but it's something.

This is my kids home I don't want to leave. Ideally I want him to leave.

OP posts:

ifowaa · 13/04/2020 17:27

Is your name in the title deeds?

CremeEggThief · 13/04/2020 17:39

Sorry, OP, but your relationship is over. There's no coming back from this.

bringbacksideburns · 13/04/2020 17:56

I think you need legal advice OP. Maybe post in the legal section on here re your name not being on the mortgage?

As you do the majority of the childcare and work less hours it makes sense for him to go.

You don't call people you live with Cunts and spit at them. Whatever the context of any argument. It's abuse. Pure and simple. You are not meant to be living together with children.

Shadowdoor21 · 13/04/2020 19:09

You definitely need to get some legal advice. If it were just you I would say to leave. As is...of you can afford a place on your own to move to with the kids then I'd still say to go anyway. Home is what you make it. Somewhere new that is a bit cramped is much better than staying with a total shit 24/7. I'm sure the kids will be happier there after the initial upheaval stress has subsided. But speak to a solicitor and see what they say.

snugs69 · 13/04/2020 19:12

Get out now pls

Justtryingtobehelpful · 14/04/2020 01:36

Do a free 30 minutes with a solicitor. Send them all the information therein need beforehand so your can use your time wisely. You'll pay for them after the settlement is the understanding I get from other similar threads. Actually read some of the other threads here on how to get information ready for divorce. Some are very good!

Pickles89 · 14/04/2020 01:52

There's a line that divides 'can be worked on' and 'absolutely no getting back from this' with relationships. Spitting is firmly on the latter side for me.

Ipadipod · 14/04/2020 02:09

This will only get worse, he used to call you a cunt to have the last word , you have become desensitised to this so he’s taken to spitting at you. What happens when you become desensitised to being spat at ?

Please don’t put up with this shocking behaviour Op , see a solicitor as soon as possible.

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