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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He just spat at me

113 replies

Eastereggies · 12/04/2020 20:44

Background: obviously everyone in quarantine and doing each other's head in

Two DCs... One 6yo one 18m. He was out of line earlier today, got the ridiculous hump about me putting the dishwasher on and subsequently emptying it , because he'd put a BBQ part in there that he wanted to put on a specific wash. He Said "I didn't want me to put it on "...he never actually told me this tho,I'm supposed to read his mind... He literally threw the item back in the dishwasher, slammed the dishwasher door, huffed and puffed and stormed off. Then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the afternoon, didn't say thank you for dinner until I dragged it out of him

Put the kids to bed and I approach him for an apology for acting like a dick earlier. We all have moments but put your hands up and say sorry I was a turd just then.

It escalated into him calling me a slob ... (I'm not).... And picking up after me all day ..(. I think he means his OWN DCs).... And saying I'm a cunt and he's sick of hearing my voice ... Blah blah blah... This went on for a bit and I said what's the point in my dragging an apology out of you it's worthless.

He said some other hurtful things so I started throwing hurtful things back at him, i.e. congratulations on tidying up "my bedroom" you've succeeded in ignoring your kids again by doing these tasks.

It was meant to hurt him , as he was saying hurtful things to me, and it's not really true about him (well, not 100% anyway).

As i turned to walk away he spat at me

I'm fuming. I literally want to go up there and have a huge row but the kids are in bed

OP posts:

GilbertMarkham · 13/04/2020 10:28

You might want to consider making plans to split with him after lockdown.

This.

So sorry this has happened to you op (and this incident sounds like an escalation of bad shit for quite a while).

He sounds like a horrible bastard.

emilybrontescorsett · 13/04/2020 10:33

You are making excuses for him.
After your update I would not be doing any of his laundry or cooking anything for him.
Why isn’t he doing the cooking and washing up, seriously ?
He should be caring for the children whilst you are concentrating on caring for yourself doing the job you do.
Op, this is a toxic, abusive relationship.

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas · 13/04/2020 10:36

OP, you're totally right. Calling you a cunt used to get the right reaction. Now you've desensitised, so he's ramped up to spitting. Actually, the fact that you feel safe with him is a reason for concern, because as you've said, he'll escalate when he wants a reaction from you. You know he's capable of worse - and as many PPs have said, what he's done so far is already awful and absolutely not compatible with a good relationship. The only reason you feel safe with this dangerous man is because you've desensitised yourself to make it all bearable.

I understand the dragging apologies out of him. If you can get him to apologise eventually, then you can kid yourself that the relationship isn't totally dysfunctional. That he can be a good man (one who apologises voluntarily and tries to fix any damage he's inadvertently done) but he just needs your support. But this is NOT true. He is not being a good man. You cannot change him or support him into being a good man.

The question is, what can you do now? If you can't change him, and since he has shown you what he is capable of. Is there anything here left to save? How can you best protect your DCs from an unstable man?

FeelingGood99 · 13/04/2020 10:56

Op, I appreciate that this is a very difficult situation but I think you need to try and de-escalate this siutation so that it doesn't spiral any further out of control. In the end it doesn't matter whose fault it is, your kids are being potentially damaged and this should be your primary concern.

I've found that most angry people respond to a calm, rational response that indicates that you are not going to get drawn into a heated argument. If this doesn't work perhaps try a process of distracting them, changing the subject to one in which you know they are enthusiastic about. Whatever it takes you have to find something that can reduce the temperature in the house so that you can the assess your options for the medium- and long-term. Then you can clearly and rationally decide where you want to be in the next stage of your life and start taking the steps required to get there.

I hope this doesn't come across as overly simplistic but I can't see any other way out of this unless you have an obvious quick exit route which I assume you would have taken already if one was available.

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 13/04/2020 10:58

Spitting now, a slap next, then a punch. It's how it happens, often, bit by bit. You owe it to yourself and your poor dc to get rid of this cunt.

NoMorePoliticsPlease · 13/04/2020 11:02

This sounds to me like a disgraceful way for both of you to carry on with each other

overweightcat · 13/04/2020 11:07

@Eastereggies please ignore the PPs blaming you.

Let's remember HE started this argument by being a dick and expecting you to read his mind.
HE proceeded to stonewall you for the rest of the day because you didn't read his mind.
When you approached him about it later once the DCs were in bed he proceeded to call you horrible names and deflect from the ridiculous reason for his behaviour (dishwasher incident) and threw all he could at you. Then when you didn't run off crying and gave it right back to him (not great behaviour but not enough to justify what he did) HE SPAT AT YOU.

Who does that to anyone let alone their partner?! There is no excuse for his behaviour and he is utterly vile.

Cissyandflora · 13/04/2020 11:32

That’s not a marriage that’s going to work. Separate and give the poor kids a better start. I disagree with all those telling you to call the police. They have enough to do and why should they have to come and sort out this nonsense? You picked this man. Now get on with sorting your life out.

Luckingfovely · 13/04/2020 11:55

As others have said, this is really not a complex situation, although I understand it feels like it while you're in the middle of it.

He is disgusting, low, and abusive. Stop overanalysing the details and remember that.

You need to split up with him and get you and your children into a safer situation as soon as is humanly possible.

OldEvilOwl · 13/04/2020 12:03

The spitting would be a dealbreaker for me - absolutely disgusting behaviour

Chinks123 · 13/04/2020 12:09

You’re trying to find reasons why what he did happened, and how it was probably your fault. You mention that you dragging an apology out of him caused it- it didn’t. He’s behaved like an absolute arse, and you felt entitled to an apology. Did that annoy him? Yes. Is it acceptable then to call you a cunt and spit? No.
As pp have said you’re analysing it and trying to figure out what you did wrong that made him snap, and then excusing his behaviour.

I have lived like this. On egg shells, you do something wrong, he snaps- then sit and think “If I’d not said Xyz” he wouldn’t of done it.
This is no way to live and he is abusive.

Clarez456 · 13/04/2020 12:10

This man is abusive and it is your duty to remove your children from this situation. Either leave with them or get the police to come and remove him.

The dishwasher is irrelevant as is any apology. Stonewalling, name calling and spitting show what this ‘man’ really is. (Was he raised by wolves??)

This situation will end, it’s up to you how much damage has been done by the time it happens. All the practicalities are overwhelming but just bite the bullet and in time everything will be worked out.

It’s a hard choice but it’s the only choice left to you as a mother.

creaturcomforts · 13/04/2020 12:34

He sounds as though he has a lot of pent up anger and is using the dishwasher as an excuse to take out his anger on you, you can't get your head around why he would do this and are trying to justify things to yourself. Wether you made things worse by not letting it go and wanting an apology is irrelevant.

He KNOWS this will wind you up as he's a manipulative person, he can then use it as an excuse for his behaviour, and get away with it. And.. he is bringing you down to his level. Petty and manipulative.

I agree with other posters that spitting is an absolute dealbreaker and he has no respect for you or the children. You don't feel afraid of him, yes because you are becoming used to this pattern but it's not normal and he has the problem.

MehitabelWhurl · 13/04/2020 12:53

I don’t blame the OP for the argument.

I’m saying she shares the blame for her children growing up in this shit show because she’s still there.

ChristmasFluff · 13/04/2020 13:15

OP, do not think that there is a 'correct' way to 'communicate' with an abuser that will stop the abuse - there isn't.

What you need is a line in the sand. What will it take for you to get your children out of harm's way? Clearly calling you cunt and spitting at you isn't the end for you. So what is? At what point will you accept that this marriage is over? Does he have to push you? Hit you? Punch you? Put you in hospital? Decide your limit now, and stick to it. Because otherwise those limits are always expanding. For instance I bet as a child, you never dreamed of being married to a man who would spit at you. I bet you always thought you'd dump a man who called you a cunt. Yet here you still are.

You could be the calmest, most appeasing woman in the world, and he would still be abusing you, because that is what he does. That is who he is.

Your children are hearing this, and they are picking up on it. Think of that when you are deciding where to draw the line too.

teaandcake19 · 13/04/2020 14:31

Honey, I don't normally write about my experiences on here, but I'm saying this as someone who has been on the receiving end of this disgusting behaviour. My ex started by spitting at me. At the end he'd pin me down, hold my hands down and just spit in my face. Buy hey, it doesn't leave bruises does it, so the outside world doesn't get to see it. It's disgusting humiliation though, and I can't tell you how much that dick has ruined my life. But the courts believe I'm the crazy one and my children are better off with him. I could write a book, but that's not the issue.

You need to get out and get away now. I'm not the sort of person to reply to many threads, and would normally not say LTB at half the things people say it to.

But if he's done this once, he has no respect for you. Don't let it get to the stage I did. Please get out. I'm now working on myself to work out why I put up with the crap I did for so long and this isn't easy at all. It'll only get harder for you the longer you stay with him. My biggest worry is my daughter thinks this is what you tolerate, and how it'll impact on her future relationships.

SandAndSea · 13/04/2020 14:57

He's abusive and it sounds like he's escalating the abuse so you need to end this. I would start quietly planning your exit.

Serenity45 · 13/04/2020 15:07

He's vile and abusive and trying to train you not to question him. I've been there (a long time ago) and it erodes your 'self' so much that you think it's you escalating or contributing to it. It isn't- he's a prick and this will get worse. I'm repeating what a lot of PPs are saying, but for the sake of you and your children please seriously consider leaving. You can't make this better.

Namechange4nowt45 · 13/04/2020 15:14

OP I wonder how your not so dear partner would react if you decided to retaliate by gobbing one out on him, I'd bet hed be furious. Fucking hypocrites men are, its disgusting and abusive op.

rvby · 13/04/2020 15:18

@Eastereggies you know this can't go on, don't you?

What do you think is the best next step you could take for yourself and DC?

Original poster

Eastereggies · 13/04/2020 15:29

Thank you.
I'm quietly planning exit now.
I've told him I want him to leave.

It's going to take time but I'm just going to get my ducks in a row

OP posts:

Landlubber2019 · 13/04/2020 16:00

Please take care and contact women's aid of you feel unsafe x

rvby · 13/04/2020 16:19

I've told him I want him to leave.

Please be careful. Revealing your hand like this means that you are now in more danger than before. Does anyone else know you've asked him to leave?

I'm just concerned because a person who has escalated from vile name calling to physical assault, especially an assault as humiliating and contemptuous as spitting, doubly so during a time in history when spitting has taken a new place in the pantheon of life threatening assault - that is a very dangerous person. The next escalation could easily put you in hospital.

If he knows you want him to leave, but you haven't yet ensured you have help to remove him from the house, you're at risk.

Who can you tell, who'll support you in getting him out of the house? Have you called the police non emerg number?

billy1966 · 13/04/2020 16:29

Spitting IS rightly classed as assault.

Please consider reporting this vile man and having him removed from the house.

What a horrific environment for your children to be raised in.

Can you reach out for support IRL.

Windyatthebeach · 13/04/2020 16:47

The list of CV rules...
Note the last one..
Seems like you can leave him op..

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