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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He just spat at me

113 replies

Eastereggies · 12/04/2020 20:44

Background: obviously everyone in quarantine and doing each other's head in

Two DCs... One 6yo one 18m. He was out of line earlier today, got the ridiculous hump about me putting the dishwasher on and subsequently emptying it , because he'd put a BBQ part in there that he wanted to put on a specific wash. He Said "I didn't want me to put it on "...he never actually told me this tho,I'm supposed to read his mind... He literally threw the item back in the dishwasher, slammed the dishwasher door, huffed and puffed and stormed off. Then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the afternoon, didn't say thank you for dinner until I dragged it out of him

Put the kids to bed and I approach him for an apology for acting like a dick earlier. We all have moments but put your hands up and say sorry I was a turd just then.

It escalated into him calling me a slob ... (I'm not).... And picking up after me all day ..(. I think he means his OWN DCs).... And saying I'm a cunt and he's sick of hearing my voice ... Blah blah blah... This went on for a bit and I said what's the point in my dragging an apology out of you it's worthless.

He said some other hurtful things so I started throwing hurtful things back at him, i.e. congratulations on tidying up "my bedroom" you've succeeded in ignoring your kids again by doing these tasks.

It was meant to hurt him , as he was saying hurtful things to me, and it's not really true about him (well, not 100% anyway).

As i turned to walk away he spat at me

I'm fuming. I literally want to go up there and have a huge row but the kids are in bed

OP posts:
FizzyBug · 12/04/2020 21:51

I honestly couldn't ever imagine my husband calling me a cunt and wanting to stay with him, let alone spitting at me.

This is an awful relationship to subject yourself and your child to.

CeeceeBloomingdale · 12/04/2020 21:55

That is disgusting and so degrading and definitely an assault. The name calling and trying to extract an apology are despicable too. It would be game over after that.

DrinkSangriaInThePark · 12/04/2020 22:49

Why are you on here? What are you asking? You've been told he's scum for calling you names and spitting at you.

Why are you sticking up for him?

copycopypaste · 12/04/2020 22:57

He called you a cunt and spat on you. That would be all I'd need to leave him. He sounds vile and sounds like he also brings out the worst in you too. Not a good relationship at all. Leave

nicky7654 · 12/04/2020 23:07

What an absolutely vile Husband you have. Calling you a cunt and spitting at you is despicable!! No excuse and I would definitely divorce after that behaveour!!!

Bigbird32 · 12/04/2020 23:08

Reading this brought back memories. I had an ex who did it to me regularly. It is the most disgusting and degrading thing anyone can do. I would probably opt for a punch in the face rather than being spat at. The first time he did it I was in utter shock and actually quite traumatised. As time went on I found myself doing it back at him. I'm ashamed to even write that but sometimes we mirror the way we are treated and fight fire with fire. In any case it was a horribly toxic relationship and the best thing I ever did was getting rid of him.

You don't want your kids growing up around this. If he calls you a cunt, spits at you and is generally aggressive then that's who he is. It's ingrained in him. Do yourself a favour and find someone better.

bringincrazyback · 12/04/2020 23:10

What a revolting man. That would be a deal-breaker for me, I'm afraid - I wouldn't be able to get past it.

notacooldad · 12/04/2020 23:13

That would be an absolute deal breaker for me. Seriously, I wouldn't need to think about it.

Designerenvy · 12/04/2020 23:21

Spitting is the lowest of the low. It's degrading and abusive.
I'm afraid if my DH did this to me, I would never see him in the same light again or feel the same about him.
Now, I come from a home of DV, so maybe I'd be more aware and have a heightened awareness for this kind of behaviour.
Quarantine does not excuse this.
We are all in challenging times and don't go around spitting at those who we're supposed to love and protect .
No excuses . I'd lose all respect and doubt it would return.

Hope you're ok.Flowers

Be aware, this could escalate to more physical abuse . Stay safe . Mind your DC's. Have a plan. There are support lines .

AutumnCrow · 12/04/2020 23:23

Your children do know you are shouting at each other after they're in bed, btw.

And your DP is contemptuous of you and it's really not recoverable. What you can do is save your children and yourself from this shitshow.

WellIWasInTheNeighbourhoo · 12/04/2020 23:26

Verbal abuse and degradation. I'd be getting my exit plan well & truly together. No more arguing, just smiling & planning.

SliAnChroi · 12/04/2020 23:28

He showed you how much he respects you.
His respect isnt worth much but you have to endure being under the same roof.

rvby · 12/04/2020 23:33

Jesus op. How much worse does it need to get?

CandyLeBonBon · 12/04/2020 23:43

Tbh op I'm surprised you've taken being called a cunt with such calm. Sounds like there's a massive problem there. The spitting seems like the icing.

JKScot4 · 12/04/2020 23:49

He sounds vile and you sound awful; dragging thank you’s out, demanding apologies, keeping pointless disagreements going for hours.
You’d be better off apart than toxic together.

EKGEMS · 12/04/2020 23:51

JKScot Ever say things in anger you regret, like,for instance,your sanctimonious post???

JKScot4 · 12/04/2020 23:55

It’s MN at its best; the woman is always a completely innocent victim.
He is disgusting and I’d have him out the door but OP isn’t completely innocent here, she kept an argument going and demands he does what she wants, imagine the roles reversed.
“I was angry at my DH, he forced me to thank him for dinner then hours later demanded an apology” wonder what the replies to that would be??

ilikebigbuttsandicannotlie · 12/04/2020 23:57

That sounds like an awful environment for everyone. I can’t believe he spat on you!! That’s absolutely foul.

BackseatCookers · 13/04/2020 00:42

He SPAT at you.

Fucking hell.

OK so if your daughter as an adult told you her partner SPAT on her in an argument, what would you tell her to do?

Do that.

Model the behaviour you would want your children to exhibit as adults.

I wouldn't spit on people I think are awful, let alone someone I live with and have a life with.

It is the lowest of the low and the fact he's even capable of it would mean I could never look at him in the same way.

Honestly. It is fucking disgusting.

Original poster
Eastereggies · 13/04/2020 05:37

@JKScot4

Your right I'm not completely innocent. However I didn't keep the pointless disagreement going on for hours afterwards. He did, by stone walling me. Treating me with contempt, when, I actually had done nothing wrong. All I did was put the dishwasher on.

Now if I chose to not let it go that he can get away with treating me like that, and demanding an apology, then yes there's my faults. I definitely have form for demanding apologies, (as he very seldom apologizes straight away) I don't enjoy being treated with contempt. Maybe it's a personality thing but I can quickly reflect on my behaviour and if I think I was out of line I apologize quite quickly, like 10 minutes after. I especially do this when it involves something I said rather than something I did. Or, really, if I done something that made them feel bad, emotionally, rather than something that has inconvenienced him.

It takes days for him to apologise. In the meantime it's stonewall.

And on this situation it escalated because we started mirroring each others remarks. He said I was being a slob , making a mess and he was picking up after me as I was too busy occupying DCs. I said these tasks he kept doing , "picking up after me", was avoiding his DCs.... It was eye for an eye. Toxic yes, not right unhealthy, but that's where it led to.

I hate demanding apologies. It's degrading in itself. And I should think to myself that if it isn't offered then it's not worth having. But my personality won't let it drop. And then it escalates.he won't stick to the subject matter , he will throw other grenades in (cunt, slob, dirty, lazy, prick, hate, ... Or start digging me about other things ) so I'm so far from an apology it's ridiculous. Reflecting back I should have just ignored the twat but in these quarantined times and living in each others pockets I think it's fair to say you have to try to get along and not piss each other off.

I don't know I'm going off on one now I've bArely slept and don't know what to do

OP posts:
ukgift2016 · 13/04/2020 05:55

OP is ignoring the posts calling out her partner and is instead replying to the posts which condone HER own behaviour. This is an defence mechanism so she can blame herself for her partner appalling reaction.

I think it's extremely unlikely this is the first time your partner has verbally abused you or been physical.

I feel for your kids. This whole situation is petty but arguments in toxic relationships usually escalate over petty disagreements. You should be putting your children first, they don't deserve to have to hear/see this.

EKGEMS · 13/04/2020 06:06

JKSCOT I never stated the OP was totally innocent, however, equating her behavior to her husband is completely wrong

Original poster
Eastereggies · 13/04/2020 06:10

@ukgift2016 you're right , I felt the need to justify my behaviour. I'm so confused right now, because I did contribute to the arguement escalation.

OP posts:
Original poster
Eastereggies · 13/04/2020 06:12

@ukgift2016 p.s. I'm definitely not ignoring the other posts I'm really grateful

OP posts:
alwayscrashinginthesamecar1 · 13/04/2020 06:20

Bloody hell, what a way to live. Your poor kids, of course they know what is going on. I have no idea what you are confused about, you need to get you and your kids away from this disgusting abusive prick!