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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He just spat at me

113 replies

Eastereggies · 12/04/2020 20:44

Background: obviously everyone in quarantine and doing each other's head in

Two DCs... One 6yo one 18m. He was out of line earlier today, got the ridiculous hump about me putting the dishwasher on and subsequently emptying it , because he'd put a BBQ part in there that he wanted to put on a specific wash. He Said "I didn't want me to put it on "...he never actually told me this tho,I'm supposed to read his mind... He literally threw the item back in the dishwasher, slammed the dishwasher door, huffed and puffed and stormed off. Then proceeded to not talk to me for the rest of the afternoon, didn't say thank you for dinner until I dragged it out of him

Put the kids to bed and I approach him for an apology for acting like a dick earlier. We all have moments but put your hands up and say sorry I was a turd just then.

It escalated into him calling me a slob ... (I'm not).... And picking up after me all day ..(. I think he means his OWN DCs).... And saying I'm a cunt and he's sick of hearing my voice ... Blah blah blah... This went on for a bit and I said what's the point in my dragging an apology out of you it's worthless.

He said some other hurtful things so I started throwing hurtful things back at him, i.e. congratulations on tidying up "my bedroom" you've succeeded in ignoring your kids again by doing these tasks.

It was meant to hurt him , as he was saying hurtful things to me, and it's not really true about him (well, not 100% anyway).

As i turned to walk away he spat at me

I'm fuming. I literally want to go up there and have a huge row but the kids are in bed

OP posts:

1Micem0use · 13/04/2020 06:26

A man who spits at you is perfectly capable of spitting at your children. LTB

ukgift2016 · 13/04/2020 06:34

@Eastereggies yes but how you behaved does not justify your partner calling you names or spitting on you. HE chose to take it to the next level.

Do arguments tend to end in name calling etc?

Original poster

Eastereggies · 13/04/2020 06:41

Yes usually name calling occurs.... The first time he called me a cunt, I was completely hurt and made quite a bit deal out of it. He promised not to use that word again but it's gone on and on and it's his favourite word now so I've become desensitized to it. Him calling me a cunt used to cause so much hurt in me that the argument stopped there and then and I'd go away to nurse my wounds so to speak. So it was his weapon to stop the argument.

Maybe he realises that now so has ramped it up to spitting at me as cunt didn't get the right reaction

OP posts:

TwistyHair · 13/04/2020 06:42

I’m shocked about the spitting. But I’m also really shocked that he got so angry at at you for putting the dishwasher on. Sounds like he’ll use any excuse to start an argument with you. Some people will deliberately start arguments like that, then do the things that annoy you most to wind you up (stonewall and refuse to apologise) so that they can abuse you but say it was your fault for escalating. Could that be the case? He knows your triggers, winds you up and then blames you for it

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 13/04/2020 06:55

Ignore the victim blaming posts from the posters who clearly have low expectations in their own lives.

This is a really bad situation OP and HE is the cunt. You and your dc deserve better than this, better than him!

RichTwoTurkeyFriend · 13/04/2020 07:12

It’s not ok to allow your children to grow up in this environment. These arguments and your relationship are toxic.
Spitting is utterly vile and I couldn’t come back from that even without the other stuff.
Also - just so you’re aware - when police/social services go out on DV matters they are told regularly that ‘the children didn’t witness it, they were upstairs asleep’. Studies show that often they ARENT asleep. You have a six year old - food for thought.

legalseagull · 13/04/2020 07:23

I'd rather someone hit me than spit on me. It's the ultimate show of revolution towards you. He has no respect for you. Even when my husband is driving me mad and we're shouting at each other it would never ever cross my mind to assault him. I'm sorry OP but for me this would end my marriage, however difficult

Kittykat93 · 13/04/2020 07:24

I've had some blazing rows with my dp. But if he ever called me a cunt or spat at me he would be out this door like a shot. You have children ffs. Don't be so stupid as to think because they are upstairs they don't know what's going on.

user764329056 · 13/04/2020 07:29

I used to hear every word of arguments after I’d gone to bed when I was a child, of course your children know what is happening, you need to separate, what a horrible environment

Landlubber2019 · 13/04/2020 07:29

Oh dear, he routinely calls you a cunt despite knowing it hurts you .... so much so that you have become desensitized to this....

Your relationship with this man is abusive and toxic it will only get worse. He will spit regularly, hands will be raised in anger.

You must remove yourself and your kids from this environment it's not enough to say they were in bed asleep, you must keep them safe.

Karwomannghia · 13/04/2020 07:34

I agree with you OP that the insults and spitting are a defence to end the argument. His ego can’t cope with being questioned by you and will defend his honour at all costs. He won’t apologise if you’re demanding it, it’s demeaning to him.

Chinks123 · 13/04/2020 07:46

They’re not asleep. Well the 6 year old won’t be a anyway. It’s honestly scary what children really see/hear. I remember my dad and step mum arguing when we were all “asleep.” The banging, screaming, shouting crying. We all laid awake too scared to talk to each other but too scared to sleep. Leave him, spitting shows he doesn’t care about you at all.

Lemonpink88 · 13/04/2020 07:48

How are you OP?

You sound like you know your relationship is toxic, are u staying because of the kids, finances? You don’t deserve to be spoken to like that but also I guess the attack for an apology may have caused that reaction.

If you want to stay, you have young children & it’s easier said than done to just leave, especially in a pandemic but please get some help. Your children deserve that & you sound so unhappy.

Talk to him today when youv both calmed down, hope u have a better day.

lazylinguist · 13/04/2020 07:53

Demanding or receiving apologies is pointless and irrelevant from someone like your husband. What does it matter whether he apologises for behaving like a total arsehole and calling you a cunt if he's going to keep doing it again and again? Any apology is insufficient and meaningless. This is an appalling environment for your dc to grow up in. You need to ltb.

soannya · 13/04/2020 07:56

Don’t talk to him! He was abusive. The only reaction to that should be a swift finishing of the relationship. It’s like when he started calling you cunt. At first it was shocking. Now you’re used to it. This is the same thing. You’re posting on here because it’s so shocking. The tenth time he does it you’ll be used to it. Calling you a cunt now has no impact so he’s stepped it up. When the spitting is normal he’ll then start smacking you or kicking or throwing something. He’s ramped up. It’s what abusers do. Tell him to leave. Spitting is non negotiable. A deal breaker. He can’t control himself so he’s out. And mean it. You can’t negotiate this or get an apology for this. He needs to be gone and get help for anger management

emilybrontescorsett · 13/04/2020 08:16

Op your bar is so low it's on the floor.
I can't believe you think any of this is ok.
The reaction over the dishwasher is mindblowing. Any 'normal ' person would have said. "Oh , I intended to wash that at 90 degrees so I'll put it on again." And then done it, and of.
to cause a row over that even under the stress of lockdown, no he has serious issues. This is not in anyway normal.
As for spitting. Well I'm disgusted. If your 6 year old spat at someone in school they would be sent home.
You are in an abusive relationship. So too are your children.
The learn by example.
Do you want your child thinking by this is normal? Being called a cunt and spat at?
You need to make plans to leave.

Sarcelle · 13/04/2020 08:54

So he used to call you a cunt, and that would shock you and he would "win" the argument. That no longer works, he has used it so much it has become meaningless. So now he spits like a camel. And he has "won" the argument, he has slept like a baby.

You are shocked, come on here, we tell you how revolting and demeaning it is. You are processing it in your mind, was it that bad, I did push him....

When the spitting no longer works, his next move will be a backhander or a throat grab. He will win the argument every time by ever more violent means. Until you end up a statistic.

Your kids will be aware of all this. My dad hit my mum, had distressing rows when we were in bed, even when she was ill with cancer and had not long come out of hospital (she had lung cancer and died not long after) I got up from bed and found her on the floor and he was kicking her. When she died, he turned on me. I looked like her and if I did the most innocent thing out of line he would beat me, once started to strangle me until I started blacking out. I used to make excuses for him too, tried to keep it quiet and normalised it, after all it was the same treatment he meted out to my mum, and besides I had nowhere to go.

It must be difficult, you have built a life with him. But you are in a toxic and disrespectful relationship which will escalate to a violent one.

Gobbycop · 13/04/2020 09:12

In my opinion that's pretty much the most disrespectful thing you can do to anyone.

Bottom of the barrel stuff that.

crimsonlake · 13/04/2020 09:53

You owe it to yourself and your children to divorce this man. Do you want your children growing up in such a clearly toxic environment with a man who shows you no respect. If someone spoke to me in such a manner there would be no going back, as for the spitting I have no words. I feel very sorry for you and I hope you do the right thing and get this man out of your lives.

Original poster

Eastereggies · 13/04/2020 09:55

I am finding myself dampening it down and blaming myself for escalation

But I treat people how I wish to be treated, if I had a moment about the dishwasher/oven/ some other pointless stuff, I'd get a reality check within minutes and apologise. I do this 99% of the time if I know I'm in the wrong.

I'm so sick of dragging apologies out of him, sick of his contempt during arguments, I'm in hell right now I'm frontline for NHS, two DCs, a house to run, breastfeeding my youngest still all night, I deserve to be treated with respect

Perhaps I shouldn't have tried to drag an apology out of him I was just so angry at being treated with such contempt when all I did was put the dishwasher on and subsequently unload it, while preparing dinner. This is what started it. Other things ensued because of it but if that didn't happen, the other things wouldn't have happened

OP posts:

Sarcelle · 13/04/2020 10:03

I would not even be thinking about the reasons for it, why it happened. It happened and his response was abusive.

Designerenvy · 13/04/2020 10:07

I would not even be thinking about the reasons for it, why it happened. It happened and his response was abusive.**

This .

ConstanceDoodleton · 13/04/2020 10:08

He sounds like a gutless wanker who is pushing you to end the marriage as he doesn't want to be known as the bad guy.

He shows you contempt and spat at you. The only person i d be speaking to is my solicitor.

MehitabelWhurl · 13/04/2020 10:13

There is no excuse for making your children grow up in a toxic household like this. You should BOTH be ashamed of yourselves.

NoMoreDickheads · 13/04/2020 10:19

I don't think you're responsible for this to much of an extent at all. He's verbally/emotionally abusive, and now physically.

You might want to consider making plans to split with him after lockdown.

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