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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is he Gaslighting or is it me at fault

102 replies

dympna35 · 12/04/2020 16:32

Where do i start. Met a guy on pof. Chatted on facetime for 6 months and met. Before and after we met he has been laxy daisy about replying to texts or calls. When i asked him he got defensive and said ffs if i dont reply it doesn't mean i don't like u. It seems we chat when it suits him. If he calls i answer etc. If i call or ask him a question he reads it but no reply until a day later but hes been on whatsapp loads!!!. Very frustrating. All i want is to get to know this guy more and communicate more especially with lockdown. I told my mates and they said its not normal. If 2 people like eachother they chat, flirt and get excited. I said why dont u ring more n he said cos i cant be bothered. Its not like hes busy. He said weeks ago in time hel sort his spare room for my daughter if we come and stay and made plans. Yesterday i got pist off cos i said clean slate n lets sort this. I said do u wanna chat and he said no. I replied calling him immature etc cos he was told a few home truths. His mate sold me a car weeks ago and i told him dont worry ill pay for the rest of the car and he replied, dont threaten about not paying my mate, if u dont youll wake up some day and car wont be there. That i was abusing him with my texts, putting him down. I said all i wanted was more communication and get to know eachother more but u ignored that. Then he said im going to devon for 2 weeks and dont make me block you!! He said do you speak to your mates like that. I was devastated. He was to come and see me this weekend but he said he couldn't because of money and the lockdown. Now he has the money to go to devon and no worry about the lockdown. Ive cried all day. Is he gaslighting me

OP posts:
Pomegranatemolasses · 12/04/2020 16:36

He's not gaslighting you - he's making it plain that he has no interest in you.

He doesn't sound particularly nice, so cut your losses and stop communicating with him.

Also why would you want your daughter involved with someone you barely know?

opticaldelusion · 12/04/2020 16:37

That's not gaslighting. That's just being a wanker. You asked him why he doesn't contact you more and he said because he can't be bothered?

Why exactly do you think he merits your time and energy? Ditch him, raise your standards and find someone who's actually interested in you.

PositiveVibez · 12/04/2020 16:39

He doesn't want anything serious with you. It's the harsh truth sorry.

You should block and delete all contact.

Pinkflipflop85 · 12/04/2020 16:39

He's just not that into you.
Why on earth were you planning to let your child meet him?!

anyoneforbingo · 12/04/2020 16:43

Not gas lighting, he's just not that into you. You sound like you're trying to make him be interesting by forcing him to engage with you. That won't work. Pay his mate for your car and cut contact with both.

MissBax · 12/04/2020 16:43

This is hard to comprehend.
You've met him once, is that right? And planning to have your daughter stay over there at some point?
Are you actually considering yourself a couple? If not why are you offering to pay for his car? He doesn't owe you responses in a specific time frame but I'd understand your frustration more if you were actually a couple. If you're still just getting to know each other I think you're being pretty OTT.

lanbro · 12/04/2020 16:46

He's telling you he's not bothered so listen to him and end the "relationship"...maybe you need to spend some time single, working on your self esteem, if you think this situation deserves even a second more of your time?

Ughmaybenot · 12/04/2020 16:49

He just doesn’t really want to be with you OP. Stop trying to force it and move on, would be my advice.

AnneOfCloves · 12/04/2020 16:51

That’s not gaslighting you, that’s not being interested

BumBurnerBum · 12/04/2020 16:52

Erm. Nothing about what he's said explains why you would think he cares about you at all. Even less why you would care about him.

sageandroses · 12/04/2020 16:52

He sounds really awful OP, block him and move on. Don't introduce your daughter.

rvby · 12/04/2020 16:54

???

He doesn't like you and is unkind to you.

Why are you mooning over someone who is so mean and shitty to you?

Why would you bring your daughter to stay with a nasty stranger??

So many questions. No it's not gaslighting, this is just how it feels to try to force someone who dislikes you to talk to you...

stakeholderwizz · 12/04/2020 16:59

I'm really shocked you are considering taking your daughter to stay with a man you haven't met yet Confused

stakeholderwizz · 12/04/2020 17:00

Sorry I see you have met him, but even so considering the way he is treating you I'm still shocked you want to take your daughter to stay with him

Winnietheshit · 12/04/2020 17:04

How old is your daughter?

Curious78 · 12/04/2020 17:04

Hi OP, I agree with the others in that he isn't gaslighting you. He's not interested in any way. He doesn't sound like a very nice man either, delete him from your contacts

dympna35 · 12/04/2020 17:05

Also when we do chat he seems interested and normal and nice but when i question him he switches.

OP posts:
Winnietheshit · 12/04/2020 17:07

Can you answer the questions OP?

chipsandgin · 12/04/2020 17:08

Going to Devon for 2 weeks!? Presuming that is current & he’s ignoring the rules that are in place to save people’s lives? Either way he sounds like a prize cockwomble but if he’s traveling to Devon at the moment then he’s a selfish, ignorant wanker too!

chipsandgin · 12/04/2020 17:09

(& I hope he gets stopped, fined and sent home - Devon & Cornwall police are monitoring the roads in right now to make sure this doesn’t happen)

mountainwalk · 12/04/2020 17:12
  1. Be sounds horrible, why would you tolerate that?
  2. Why would you want your DD involved with someone like this who you've not been seeing long?
  3. Why didn't you pay for your new car immediately?
  4. Why are you inviting someone over to yours in a lockdown?
  5. He is breaking the lockdown by travelling to Devon.
  6. He sounds like a d**khead
  7. He has made it clear he has zero respect for you.
  8. Why are your standards so low?
BumbleBeee69 · 12/04/2020 17:13

He's not gaslighting you .. this is gaslighting...

Gaslighting is a form of psychological manipulation in which a person or a group covertly sows seeds of doubt in a targeted individual, making them question their own memory, perception, or judgment, often evoking in them cognitive dissonance and other changes such as low self-esteem

your POF guy is not interested in you.. and has turned nasty to get his point across... he will pop back in when he's got bored of the other woman he is messaging/meeting.. he's a player... don't let him back in OP.. you and your daughter deserve so much better... Flowers

CuppaZa · 12/04/2020 17:19

He’s not interested and you sound ott

dympna35 · 12/04/2020 17:19

Shes 6. Ive been chatting tp him for 6 months and i hoped shed meet him in time but things have got shitty

OP posts:
dympna35 · 12/04/2020 17:23

Cuppaza im not ott. I asked advice because im hurt. Dont be cruel

OP posts:
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