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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he Gaslighting or is it me at fault

102 replies

dympna35 · 12/04/2020 16:32

Where do i start. Met a guy on pof. Chatted on facetime for 6 months and met. Before and after we met he has been laxy daisy about replying to texts or calls. When i asked him he got defensive and said ffs if i dont reply it doesn't mean i don't like u. It seems we chat when it suits him. If he calls i answer etc. If i call or ask him a question he reads it but no reply until a day later but hes been on whatsapp loads!!!. Very frustrating. All i want is to get to know this guy more and communicate more especially with lockdown. I told my mates and they said its not normal. If 2 people like eachother they chat, flirt and get excited. I said why dont u ring more n he said cos i cant be bothered. Its not like hes busy. He said weeks ago in time hel sort his spare room for my daughter if we come and stay and made plans. Yesterday i got pist off cos i said clean slate n lets sort this. I said do u wanna chat and he said no. I replied calling him immature etc cos he was told a few home truths. His mate sold me a car weeks ago and i told him dont worry ill pay for the rest of the car and he replied, dont threaten about not paying my mate, if u dont youll wake up some day and car wont be there. That i was abusing him with my texts, putting him down. I said all i wanted was more communication and get to know eachother more but u ignored that. Then he said im going to devon for 2 weeks and dont make me block you!! He said do you speak to your mates like that. I was devastated. He was to come and see me this weekend but he said he couldn't because of money and the lockdown. Now he has the money to go to devon and no worry about the lockdown. Ive cried all day. Is he gaslighting me

OP posts:
anyoneforbingo · 12/04/2020 20:41

Toying not touting

MashedSpud · 12/04/2020 20:42

You really need to read people’s messages.

Block the twat.

Lllot5 · 12/04/2020 20:42

Have you blocked him yet?

Original poster
dympna35 · 12/04/2020 20:43

Thanks for the reply

OP posts:
EmotionalFlood · 12/04/2020 20:44

@dympna35 eurgh 'chased' why would anyone chase another person for months on end. There's a connection or there isn't Confused and again. Why invite him into your home. Where your daughter sleeps and lives for lockdown? You don't know him, what you do know isn't appealing... and he could already have Covid or worse... sounds very foolish and risky.

Original poster
dympna35 · 12/04/2020 20:44

Yes ive blocked him

OP posts:
oncemorewithfeeling99 · 12/04/2020 20:45

He’s really not worth this. You shouldn’t be questioning it because he should be pursuing you and showing his interest. No wonder you feel confused. Dump him and move on to someone worthy of your time and affection.

Sunshine1235 · 12/04/2020 20:48

You deserve better than this, walk away and don’t give him a second thought this man is not worth your energy

Original poster
dympna35 · 12/04/2020 20:50

Thankyou x

OP posts:
florisandyoris · 12/04/2020 20:55

poster dympna35 Sun 12-Apr-20 20:40:30
I asked him here for the lockdown but he said he didnt have money. Also he said other girls he dated chased him for 8 months and the other he was chatting to for 5 months before meeting

Did you give hm money?
I used to work with someone who went on Plenty of Fish.
She went on dates and stole their credit card details.
Apparently more than 50% of the people on POF are there to defraud dates and extort money.

He maybe realised you weren’t wealthy enough to target?

nellythenarwhal · 12/04/2020 22:32

OP you are just an ego boost to him. He knows you like him much more than he likes you. Please find someone else who's worthy of you.

BackseatCookers · 12/04/2020 22:39

I asked him here for the lockdown but he said he didnt have money.

OP I presume your daughter lives with you. You said when first challenged that you weren't going to rush but were just think of him meeting your daughter 'in time'. Now you say you invited him to move in for lockdown.

I'm trying to think of a gentle way of saying this but that is an incredibly worrying and irresponsible parenting decision. Shockingly so.

It suggests to me that you need some therapy to work on your boundaries and sense of safeguarding before even thinking about dating again.

Not only did you invite a stranger to live in isolation with you and your daughter, you invited a stranger who is unreliable, non committal and making you insecure.

Do you think that asking him to move in for lockdown was in any way appropriate or putting your daughter first? Genuinely I'm interested in your answer because it's really important.

Shatandfattered · 12/04/2020 23:08

Yeah I can't even find the strength to be nice about this. You're so desperate for a relationship you're clinging onto someone who's strung you along for months and you've met once that you INVITED HIM TO LIVE WITH YOU AND YOUR CHILD DURING LOCLDOWN.. The absolute selfish stupidity is astounding. How dare you even consider putting your child in such a situation as to live with a STRANGER to you both cause that's what he is. Even if it was a flaming knight in shining armour your child doesn't even know them! And they were to share their home, their safe space with an absolutely random person.

Yes you may have boundary/self-esteem/loneliness issues but frankly when it comes to children I don't believe in the kind puasyfooting around to save the poor lonely adults feelings. Do NOT ever consider such a ridiculous thing again for your daughters sake, please.

UnfinishedSymphon · 12/04/2020 23:10

Everything @Shatandfattened said.

TudorRoses · 12/04/2020 23:19

What a horrid man. He has been unpleasant to you on numerous occasions and is making it out to be your fault. Nobody needs a man like that around.
Glad to see you've blocked him. Let him go Flowers

JKScot4 · 13/04/2020 00:00

Just caught up after reading @Shatandfattered post, you asked a guy who you met ONCE to move in with you and your young child??
Ffs do you have any ability to keep your child safe?
Keep this up you’ll have SS at your door.
I’m astounded at your utter stupidity.

Shatandfattered · 13/04/2020 00:03

@JKScot4 im honestly appalled no one else was as annoyed as I feel... people want to be tactful rather than tell a fully grown adult who has a child to find some selfless responsibility!

FlowerArranger · 13/04/2020 00:23

I'm not going to be tactful!! @dympna35.... you are utterly stupid and irresponsible. How old are you?Where is your commonsense, your self-esteem, your boundaries?

Listen to @shatandfattened and @BackseatCookers. Your poor daughter deserves better. If this is how you routinely conduct your life, sooner or later you will endanger her and yourself.

You lack basic life skills and you have a lot of growing up to do. Start by reading WOMEN WHO LOVE TOO MUCH by Robin Norwood.

timeisnotaline · 13/04/2020 00:26

Thank goodness he didn’t move in for the lockdown, that would have been truly miserable. This way you can block and move on.

pisces12 · 13/04/2020 00:35

Maybe you should contact your local social services and ask for their opinion on you inviting a total stranger to live in the house you share with your child..?

ALovelyBitOfSquirrel · 13/04/2020 00:57

Maybe you should contact your local social services and ask for their opinion on you inviting a total stranger to live in the house you share with your child

This!!

Omg OP what are you thinking?! Your poor daughter! He's clearly not into you but if you carry on this way you'll be putting your child in danger from some sicko! They look for women like you. Get help, please.

AlwaysCheddar · 13/04/2020 08:51

As above. Seriously op, get a grip. He’s just a dick and you fail to see what dangers you’re exposing you and your dd to.

I0NA · 13/04/2020 08:55

It suggests to me that you need some therapy to work on your boundaries and sense of safeguarding before even thinking about dating again

Not only did you invite a stranger to live in isolation with you and your daughter, you invited a stranger who is unreliable, non committal and making you insecure

Do you think that asking him to move in for lockdown was in any way appropriate or putting your daughter first? Genuinely I'm interested in your answer because it's really important

You really REALLY to read this post OP. Because if you are genuine, you need help.

Widowodiw · 13/04/2020 09:07

You don’t seem rational op and rather needy. Asking him at yours for lockdown when you have met him once? Nah lockdown is about protecting you and your daughter not chasing after a guy you have met once. You need to learn a little self confidence and know your own worth. There are thousands of guys on these dating sites why you have clung onto one is beyond me.

rosabug · 13/04/2020 09:25

What everyone else is saying.

He's on whatsap loads because he's 'chatting' to loads of other women. He's not gaslighting, but he is certainly controlling the distance - that's so he has plenty of space to do the fuck he wants and cut out when something better comes along. As the famous (Maya Angelou?) quote goes: He's shown you who he is, believe him.

And (tough love here) perhaps try to use punctuation and full words. Is that mean? actually no - because when you respect the words you use and how you communicate with people, then communication is clearer and more respectful and more respectful relationships follow. Try it.