Could you get past this? (Drunken phone sex)

[howmanydegreesof]

DP and I have been together 2 years after a long friendship.
DP met a woman at the end of last year who I always had a funny feeling about, they chatted for a while via email/text (shared workplace but limited f2f contact), I commented that it seemed to be overly flirty and it stopped.

She continued to try and maintain contact, but he would blank most messages...

DP said they it was weird, as he has only spent about 6hours in her company and he struggles to see her as a 'real' person, more like a pen pal, but apparently understood where I was coming from.

So two weeks ago DP went on a bender, too much to drink and some cocaine. I was trying to ring him to check he was alive and it turns out he was on the phone to this woman, he had phoned to check in due to to CV pandemic (why???) and it had turned into phone sex (DP totally off his face, her sober as she is 13 weeks pregnant) DP didn't know about her pregnancy at the time but a mutual friend had told me...

Now I know that this woman isn't my problem, I have told her partner and am more than aware that DP is my problem, despite this woman's persistence.

I want to work past this, and although I definitely consider this cheating, and have made it completely clear to DP that if anything even close to this happens again we are done, but I'm struggling to keep the images of the phone call and the hurt I'm feeling out of my head.

How do I process/deal with this?? I don't want to allow it to drive me mad...

Him using cocaine should be enough to get rid. He sounds like an immature twat. You can do better, surely.

I think it sounds like you could probably do better? Cocaine and phone sex, you know him better than anyone in mumsnet but I'm sure you know this isn't behavior from a mature, committed partner

I don’t want to sound harsh but my honest answer is... you don’t work through it, you get some self respect and leave

He sounds like a catch
He went on a drugs and booze bender when we were on lockdown? Was this in your house? Do you have kids?

Drugs are a deal breaker for me. We would be finished for that reason alone. And then add this phone sex into the mix. No way.

You can do so much better than this pondscum
Would you ever do that to him? Why is it ok for him to do this to you?

Get rid he’s a waster, cocaine that’s a warning for a start crackheads are evil they will steal lie to get their fix.

Again as Pp have said... harsh but true...why on EARTH would you want to work through this? Surely your self worth/value is more than this?

Sorry OP but I would never be able to trust this person again

Hmm...yes I take all of your points, the problem here is I am also not totally sober and clean cut- I don't disapprove of drugs really, he was entirely alone on his bender. And yes I know it's not healthy.

In hindsight maybe I should have left the drink/drugs element out of my OP-
Any views on how to get over a betrayal if we don't take that factor Into account??

There's so much wrong here that I don't even know where to start

What on earth do you see in this yoke? I'd be planning my break up and not looking back.

As long as you continue to put up with below-par behaviour, you'll attract below-par relationships.

Err it’s a bit odd. Did you press him as to why he felt the need to check in with her? Are the benders a regular thing? Has he now blocked and deleted her on all platforms?

Drugs aside (not that that's possible, really - for either of you) I would still be ending it.

Why didn't he just block her in the first place if she meant so little to him? Why did she have his number? Surely he wouldn't have given her it if he didn't like her? If he really wanted to cut her off, he would have. A long time ago. Does he often drink and take drugs? To be completely honest I would probably end the relationship right here. If he's getting so intoxicated that he's cheating, that's a huge red flag.

How did you find out they had phone sex OP??

Ok so taking drugs out of the problem here...

He contacted a woman he "barely knows" for phone sex.

His opinion of you is obviously very high to disregard your feelings like this. He has basically put his relationship with you on the line for PHONE SEX... I am sure he was hoping for more.

Seriously though would you do this to him?
I honestly couldnt be with someone who called up another woman for phone sex I would genuinely feel that its made a mockery of our relationship and thats not the partnership I want to be in.

Ultimately OP if you want to work through this for whatever personal reasons you have...its surely HIM who should be doing all he can to make ammends

Whats he done so far

Honestly? If he respected, loved, and cherished you then he wouldn't have betrayed your trust. And he wouldn't be keeping women waiting in the wings either.

Make a clean break and find someone worthy of your love and respect.

I haven't pressed him on why he felt the need to check in, I will do.
We have had a long conversation about him not being aware of his own attractiveness (??) and being flattered, he also likes to play the white knight and help people who are struggling in various ways. He's also as manipulative as all addicts.

I know about because when he came home, he was in a vile mood and there was obviously something up...so when I asked him to tell me what was up he eventually did.

It's the respect thing that really gets me, that I wasn't in his mind at all, or if I was he didn't care enough to not let it happen.

This woman also has a partner by the way.

Surely only you can decide if you can get through this betrayal.

Some women will have left just because he had her number but some stay even if their partner has had sex several times with someone else. So it just depends where your line is.

Phone sex? Cocaine?

I'd be grateful he'd shown you his true colours early on before marriage, mortgage, and children come along.

Get shut op. You may be able to forgive but it'll be nigh on impossible to forget.

I'm obviously horribly co-dependant and need some (more) counselling.
I have made it totally clear that anything else like this happens, and my line has already been drawn.

Part of me thinks that as that has been made clear, I may as well allow myself to trust and believe in "us" on the basis that it's up to him to prove himself, not do anything like this again , and that I will walk away if I have to.

She is now blocked on all platforms, number deleted. And her partner knows

If he barely knows her why has he risked your relationship for this?

Were you in the house when this happened? If it was during lockdown and you say he was alone, is that because he drank and did this in the house? And what was it that they did? A quick wank while they were talking or videos etc? It all sounds a bit odd if she is pregnant with another mans child.

Why do you want to get past it rather than leave him?

It's going to be really hard to get over to be honest. Are you sure you want to try?

I have told her partner and ...her sober as she is 13 weeks pregnant

You know her well enough to know her partner and tell him? What response did you get from her partner, and what were you expecting?

Also, you have friends in common to know she’s 13 weeks (pretty specific) pregnant?

I commented that it seemed to be overly flirty and it stopped.

Were you reading these messages, or was your ‘D’P telling you?

She continued to try and maintain contact, but he would blank most messages...

Again, were you reading, and with his knowledge, or was he telling you?

Trying not to be too harsh here but you dont need to draw a line. There should ready be a mutual and unspoken understanding of love and respect.

If you do embark on more councilling this instance is a good focus area... self worth and expectations of our partners. Of that councilling makes you see then that your worth more then its worth it. Just please dont enter into more commitment such as mortgage and kids until you have recognised your self worth

carolebaskin I can't answer the first question.

Yes she had a wank while he was drinking and taking drugs, he said he was beyond the point of anything but talking incessantly about sex.

I do want to move past it, I don't know why, but I do love him, when he is at his best he is amazing. But this is obviously not a good thing....