Could you get past this? (Drunken phone sex)

[howmanydegreesof]

DP and I have been together 2 years after a long friendship.
DP met a woman at the end of last year who I always had a funny feeling about, they chatted for a while via email/text (shared workplace but limited f2f contact), I commented that it seemed to be overly flirty and it stopped.

She continued to try and maintain contact, but he would blank most messages...

DP said they it was weird, as he has only spent about 6hours in her company and he struggles to see her as a 'real' person, more like a pen pal, but apparently understood where I was coming from.

So two weeks ago DP went on a bender, too much to drink and some cocaine. I was trying to ring him to check he was alive and it turns out he was on the phone to this woman, he had phoned to check in due to to CV pandemic (why???) and it had turned into phone sex (DP totally off his face, her sober as she is 13 weeks pregnant) DP didn't know about her pregnancy at the time but a mutual friend had told me...

Now I know that this woman isn't my problem, I have told her partner and am more than aware that DP is my problem, despite this woman's persistence.

I want to work past this, and although I definitely consider this cheating, and have made it completely clear to DP that if anything even close to this happens again we are done, but I'm struggling to keep the images of the phone call and the hurt I'm feeling out of my head.

How do I process/deal with this?? I don't want to allow it to drive me mad...

I'm obviously horribly co-dependant and need some (more) counselling.

If someone who uses cocaine alone while drinking excessively and having phone sex with pregnant women who aren't you is what you think you deserve, you need to be single until you've done a lot more work on yourself.

X-posted with potter

Great minds and all that.

You aren't going to get advice to support you to tie yourself up in knots 'working through it' because the only sensible advice is that you should end this relationship. And yes, that's irrespective of the drug use.

You surely know that he wasn't calling to 'check in' because of the corona virus. He was calling to get his rocks off and achieved his goal.

You seem to be accepting of his point that he was beyond the point of being able to talk about anything other than sex. Why call her then? Why not call you? What happens next time he's drunk etc and is feeling horny?

It doesn't matter that he's blocked her. If he wants to cheat or flirt, he will do it. He managed it with this woman he's barely met, imagine how he behaves towards a myriad of other women when you aren't there/aren't looking at his phone.

I think you do need support re codependency, but that's not going to be effective whilst you are in a relationship with him. You aren't the problem, he is.

@MrsTerryPratchett 😂 couldn’t agree more!

When you are in a relationship, you're meant to care about each other. That's all I have to say about that.

when he is at his best he is amazing.

We're all amazing when we're at our best. For me , his worst is a deal breaker. If your self respect doesn't think it's a deal breaker , then that's for you get past. I couldn't stay with a man like this

He's also as manipulative as all addicts

You're not 100% impressed with him in general OP. No-one can be keen on someone they know is manipulative. You also are aware he's an addict/drug user and it negatively effects his behaviour, so you're not as comfortable with the drug taking as all that (which is a good thing, druggies are bloody awful.)

You need to listen very very clearly, not one poster who has responded appears to be encouraging you to maintain a relationship with this man! 6 pages in and not one person suggesting this is a good relationship. Take heart, be brave and move on with no hesitation that you can't do better x

Save yourself years of heartbreak and call it quits now

You are on the road to knowhere, accept you have wasted the last two years & move on .

This is just such an ugly mess. The woman he called is pregnant with another man's child. How did that man feel about his pregnant partner receiving phone sex from another man? Was he cool with it? Or has that relationship just been blown sky high when there's a child on the way? I get that the woman didn't need to participate but how in God's name could he possibly suggest he was helping her out? Sorry but he's full of shit and to top it off has been given the impression that he's God's gift to women. He sounds very far from being that. Honestly, the whole thing has made me really angry - particularly because there's a baby on the way in the other relationship. What next piece of destructive behaviour is he going to engage in while on a bender? Honestly OP - you deserve better than this bullshit.

Raise your standards.

Isn't playing the white Knight normally being an inappropriate shoulder to cry on telling them their boyfriend doesn't appreciate them... not snorting lines on the other end of the phone while they're sober and spaffing off while pregnant with their unknowing partner's baby?

Jesus Christ. There's codependence and there is toxic.

He went on a coke bender during lockdown and wanted to call someone else (a person he knows you already have an issue with) to help her WANK rather than calling you. His girlfriend.

Tell him cheers from the rest of us for flouting lockdown rules to get in some keys and listen to her wank despite it putting everyone else he comes into contact in at more risk - what a catch 👌🏻

You’re only 2 years in and you don’t have children together? Drop this one like a hot potato.

I don’t have any issues with drinking or using drugs (recreationally, on occasion), but no matter how off there face someone is, a genuinely committed person wouldn’t have phone sex with some pregnant random from work.

You have no real commitments keeping you with this guy. Count your blessings and move on. Imagine what he might do 10 years in when he truly gets bored and antsy.

Why would you only dump him for doing it a second time? He knew it was wrong the first time.

he wanted to be a knight in shining to another man's pregnant partner while you sat at home worrying about where your drugged up partner was during a lock down.

Exactly this.

OP, he could volunteer for the NHS. He could work at a food bank. He could deliver medicines to his neighbours. But no, his idea of being a white knight is to wank to a pregnant woman's whispers. Raise your bloody standards.

Fucking hell
If your expectations sink any lower you will be potholing

Not what you want to hear but 🤷‍♀️

His behaviour is disgraceful and unforgivable.

You should leave him and work on getting clean.

I reckon he's slept with her. Maybe not the binge night, but at some point recently.
Telling you about the "phone sex" is him getting rid of some of his guilt and testing the waters

I don't believe people would have "phone sex" without having some form of sex history, she must have known he was drunk and if that was the first time he'd been sexual any normal person would have hung up

You have 30% of the truth Imo

@howmanydegreesof

I have made it totally clear that anything else like this happens, and my line has already been drawn.

Oh sweetheart. No, no you haven't. You've literally done the opposite of that! Your response to this makes it crystal clear that he can do whatever he likes and you will be fine with it. If he can be THIS vile and you just sort of semi bollock him but keep seeing him, then I'm sorry but that's permission for him to keep taking you for a mug.

Look, in the kindest possible way, you sound very vulnerable. And, sorry, daft as well. He saw you coming. You need to get out of this relationship. It's not even about drugs etc - this is just a v v basic case of you being troubled and lonely and therefore having standards so low that they undercut the catacombs.

This is just grim.

Get rid of him and get whatever help you need. Then you can start to value yourself a lot more than you do.

I’m liberal when it comes to drugs having dabbled a lot in my early twenties, but him going on a alcohol and cocaine fuelled binge by himself is worrying, taking drugs occasionally when partying is one thing, getting off your face while alone screams addict and serious problems to me. So that’s a huge issue in itself.

I’m not really buying that they haven’t had any sexual contact prior to this either, she’s pregnant, but is wanking to a guy she’s only met for 6 hours talk dirty to her while his off his face on drink and drugs? That doesn’t sound right to me. I would guess they’ve had sex previously or at the very least phone sex. You deserve better than this, I suggest you leave and get some counselling before entering another relationship because you need to work on why you’re willing to accept such poor treatment from a partner.

Is the baby his?

I’d struggle to take it seriously, he was off his face by the sounds of it. I’d also struggle to respect someone who doesn’t know when to stop. It’s one thing to behave this way when you’re 18 but after a few mistakes one should learn ones limit and stop before one reaches it. I would leave him in your place, he doesn’t sound nice or worthy.

What would you advise your daughter or sister to do in this situation?